How to survive his divorce

[Dreamwalker17]

I think it may be important to tell him that you need support too... that he needs to attend to your emotional well being too.

 

Then see how he reacts to you having needs as well.

 

He knows. He said he feels terrible for putting me through this.

 

Thank you everyone, I'll keep you all updated.

 

Love, D.

[Minnie09]

He knows. He said he feels terrible for putting me through this.

 

Thank you everyone, I'll keep you all updated.

 

Love, D.

 

Please do! “Success” stories are much needed here. Or at least truthful updates......hugs!!

[minimariah]

Yeah, I believe that if you’re important to him and his life, he will have the natural desire to have you involved in everything that’s going on in his life. That doesn’t mean that you should give advice, or interfere, or anything like that, but It does mean that he has the natural desire to share these things with you. And that’s what I was lacking. And that’s why I wasn’t willing to continue. Not sure where he’s at right now. Probably single. I’m

Still not replying.

 

but it does - when your partner confides in you, you will react... somehow. by making a comment, giving advice, expressing emotion. you react = you interfere. the divorce is usually messy and painful. so when someone does share, it should be with those who aren't emotionally invested in said divorce. sharing with the OW usually does more bad than good.

 

OP - OWs tend to be obsessed with "getting chosen". the fact that it was his wife who made the first move doesn't really need to mean that he doesn't really love you or that he chose his wife/marriage. he probably does love you and his emotions probably are true but for this or that reason, he didn't have the courage to make the first move.

 

it does not lessen his love for you.

[anika99]

He is starting therapy for himself soon, and I was going to suggest therapy for both of us because obviously an affair is a terrible way to start a relationship. I'm sure he'll be open to the idea, he understand this whole situation is unfair to me and he can't give me much right now.

 

He knows he fully contributed to the demise of his marriage and wants to figure out how to avoid doing the same to our relationship. All his reasons for staying were exactly the same you read on this forum - kids, status, money, extended families and friends admiring him, him wanting to be that great guy who provides and takes care of his family. And he was so openly in love with me the whole time, I've stopped being jealous of his wife long time ago (something he accuses me of now). He'd spent thousands and thousands on trips, presents, flowers for me. I've seen him crying and being devastated over our fights and break up many times over last two years.

 

Yet it took his wife putting an end to it. My heart breaks for her, I cannot imagine what she's been through, watching her husband being in love with another woman. It will take me a long time to come to terms with my own role in all this, I am not going to tell her anything. It's between them.

 

Thanks guys, great advise as always.

 

Love, D.

 

He spent two years cheating on his wife while cruelly lying and gaslighting her and keeping you hanging on as his backup. That says a mighty lot about what kind of person he is. A mighty lot.

[S2B]

I'm baffled... is he so self absorbed that he has nothing to give you?

 

If that's the case (as you stated) then it's not in your best interest to keep hanging on while he has nothing to offer you right now.

 

He certainly should have some energy for you - to focus on you. If he doesn't then he's not doing everything possible to make sure you feel loved and important to him.

 

 

Counseling really should be for him only. Couples counseling can happen in a year or so - after he's worked through his issues and becomes accountable for his role he played in the demise of his marriage.

Edited January 9, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[whichwayisup]

You can support him but don't be his therapist/shoulder. He has to seek counseling on his own and actually BE on his own for a while before he can totally commit and put you first. You deserve to be his number one and right now (for a while) you won't be. He has to grieve the loss of his marriage, the life he shared with his wife and children. He has to cope with the loss of in laws, extended family and their entwined friends. Even neighbours... All those people ARE affected by their divorce too, but the most important are their children (how old are they and how many do they have?) and their adjustment during this difficult time.

 

I'm not sure how you two think by NOT telling his soon to be ex wife the truth will make this easier. she knows he had an affair (for all you know she hired a PI and has proof it's you) but he won't admit who. Don't you think she is going to find out? Even if in 6 months or a year, she's going to figure out you were his affair partner when you two go public and make the relationship real and out in the open.

 

You're gonna be step mom to their children one day and she will be in your lives forever on some level. They still have to co parent and have a cordial parenting relationship for the sake of their kids. So isn't it best to be up front and honest about everything?

 

SHE divorce him, not the other way around, so she's done with him. Are you scared he's going to balk and run back to her and ask for another chance? or are you scared he'll cheat on you someday? Sad to say you should be aware that he is a skilled liar and marriage/children won't hold him to his word/vow/promise.

 

I hope for your sake it works out. But if it doesn't, you don't "owe" it to him to stick around either... Sometimes love isn't enough between affair partners. And he doesn't seem like the big prize...

 

There's a been pain all around for the past 2 years for everybody and you all were affected (even him).

Edited January 9, 2018 by whichwayisup

[What_Did_I_Do]

See, when I went through mine (dissolution of the M was in the works long before HE entered the picture), MM was there as support. I didn't share the nitty gritty details with him...didn't want to...but he was a sense of 'familiarity' of sorts. Kept me somewhat grounded on those really bad days. He would offer support if I really needed.

 

That said, what ended up happening is the true grieving process for the end of my M didn't transpire until recently. Double whammy.

 

Everyone's journey through this difficult time is different.

[Vivir]

(((Dreamwalker17)))

Hugs to you, Dreamwalker17, as you continue to sift through all of these clashing feelings and thoughts and try to figure out your best (right?) action to take with (or without?) this divorcing man that you love.

 

For what it's worth, I totally agree with carhill and the others who have suggested the tampon test. If this man wants you to be the emotional airbag, the tampon, etc. while he offers nothing to you of substance... I just don't see how this is beneficial to you, considering your amount of investment and the upheaval in your life (that you don't actually need). Life is hard enough without adding drama to it unnecessarily.

 

So I cut contact. After I did, his half assed Attempts to reach out with more lighthearted conversations never ceased. I blocked ..... I was done. I would’ve appreciated honesty, sharing true emotions, I would’ve been supportive, but I can’t provide that, if I don’t have all the information that I want to have. That was MY straw that broke the camel’s back.

 

So I guess it’s different for everyone. Most ppl on this forum, and especially in this thread, say that you shouldn’t be Your lover’s sounding board and “tampon”, I get that, however, for me it was the opposite. I felt like I wasn’t involved enough. I would never interfere, though, don’t get me wrong, but I definitely DID expect him to be upfront and honest with me about everything he’s going through. He was not and I couldn’t deal with that very well.

 

The MM I was involved with told me he was being advised by a lawyer for divorce within weeks of us really getting to know each other. I never made it so far along as either you or Minnie09. To my knowledge, he never actually divorced. The most he divulged to me was in the very beginning of the affair. I believe he had never even talked with the lawyer and actually made his decision not to divorce soon after the affair began. Of course, he did not share this information with me.

 

Instead, he played literally everything close to the vest. As I began reading here and coming out of this affair fog, I looked back and realized a few things. He was only offering me 1/4-time sex and lighthearted conversation. He was taking up a crapload of my time and energy and I had been allowing it... He never really said too much of substance AT ALL. He was quite ambiguous and literally allowed me to draw my own conclusions. I even mentioned to him that I was drawing my own conclusions, and he would say, "I just don't want to burden you with what's going on." So, as time went on, I took this to mean that NOTHING (in terms of divorce or separation) was going on and he had simply been stringing me along. I drew the absolute worst (for my case) conclusions that I could.... I had become a sex escape, an emotional tampon, free therapist and free sex. Drawing my own conclusions lost him his escape, his toy from that shelf everyone speaks of on this forum.

 

I want to chime in here, though, because one of the conclusions that I drew was that if he was getting a divorce, it would only be because she filed for it. Based on his words, that he seldom used, he was waiting around for his betrayed wife to file for divorce! I am not sure why he thought this would be beneficial to him... maybe that has something to do with alimony or divvying up assets? Oh, I don't know. And my ignorance was used against me.

 

It occurred to me at some point that he thought she might file because he was being an absolutely horrible husband to her. This may not be true, you know, aside from the lying, gaslighting, and cheating, but when I discovered him lying about very simple and unrelated (to the affair) things, and put two and two together, alarm bells started blaring in my ear and I could see flashing red lights before my eyes.

 

The more I countered my starry eyed fantasies with the little evidence I had, the facts I actually knew, I started to piece together for myself that I had been taken along for a ride.

 

One of the conclusions that I drew was a projection into the future had he been telling me the truth about divorcing her... As they had a baby that I later found out about, his BW would ALWAYS be a part of his life - his PRESENT. Her life would continue to evolve alongside his and their child's lives.

 

There would also be major fallout from his life collapsing from the divorce. He might even begin to blame me for the divorce, as he didn't seem to be responsible for much of anything that went wrong...

 

He already wasn't offering me much of anything, and I didn't deserve that. I did deserve to take the time and effort I had wasted on him, consider these costs sunk, and divert future resources to myself.

 

But that's me. I don't think I have helped at all and that makes me sad.

If anything, it is another perspective... and I hope it helps and doesn't further conflate the issue at hand.

 

I like to think that if he had been open with me and showed me that he really wanted to be with me, I would've helped him move heaven and earth. But that wasn't the case. He let me draw my own conclusions, and I saw that I was being drained while he was being filled.

 

I made the decision for all of us that I would bow out. Bowing out took me out of his field of influence; I cannot influence him and he cannot influence me. I feel that perhaps this action would allow him to cling to her, if his life with her is what he really wants... Either way, I know what I had been willing to do, like Minnie. And I realized what he had not been willing to do by his consistent actions.

Edited January 9, 2018 by Vivir

[elaine567]

but it does - when your partner confides in you, you will react... somehow. by making a comment, giving advice, expressing emotion. you react = you interfere. the divorce is usually messy and painful. so when someone does share, it should be with those who aren't emotionally invested in said divorce. sharing with the OW usually does more bad than good.

 

I can see that, as a divorce is a carving up of a married life and that life will contain good and bad elements.

It is not only letting go of the bad it is also letting go of the good too.

So whilst it may be fine to share with an OW, things that show her he is moving on, they are a team, they will get through it.

 

He may be less inclined to tell her about how much he loves and misses his wife and kids and how unsure he is about what he is doing and how he may have messed things all up...

Less inclined to tell her, as he pores over his married life, about how nostalgic he feels about that wonderful holiday they had in France or the birth of their first child or about all their hopes and dreams...

Less inclined to tell her how hurt he feels, how upset, how depressed...

Less inclined to tell her about the regrets, the what ifs,and the if onlys...

Less inclined to lash out when he blames the OW for ruining his marriage in a particularly down moment.

 

It is all those vacillating emotions that he knows he cannot really share with his OW, that I guess means he probably wants to keep her at arms length, in case he may let something slip, that will upset her.

So whilst she feels relieved the end is in sight, she feels a weight has been lifted, the wife is gone for good, she feels incredibly close to him and wants to bask in all that love, he needs time to process, to get used to the huge loss, to come to terms with the "failure" of his marriage... etc.

 

It is a really odd situation to be in, to grieve the loss of one relationship whilst trying to prop up another relationship, another relationship that may have been the cause of the demise of the first...

[S2B]

What happened last night when you met for dinner?

Edited January 10, 2018 by S2B

[What_Did_I_Do]

I can see that, as a divorce is a carving up of a married life and that life will contain good and bad elements.

It is not only letting go of the bad it is also letting go of the good too.

So whilst it may be fine to share with an OW, things that show her he is moving on, they are a team, they will get through it.

 

He may be less inclined to tell her about how much he loves and misses his wife and kids and how unsure he is about what he is doing and how he may have messed things all up...

Less inclined to tell her, as he pores over his married life, about how nostalgic he feels about that wonderful holiday they had in France or the birth of their first child or about all their hopes and dreams...

Less inclined to tell her how hurt he feels, how upset, how depressed...

Less inclined to tell her about the regrets, the what ifs,and the if onlys...

Less inclined to lash out when he blames the OW for ruining his marriage in a particularly down moment.

 

It is all those vacillating emotions that he knows he cannot really share with his OW, that I guess means he probably wants to keep her at arms length, in case he may let something slip, that will upset her.

So whilst she feels relieved the end is in sight, she feels a weight has been lifted, the wife is gone for good, she feels incredibly close to him and wants to bask in all that love, he needs time to process, to get used to the huge loss, to come to terms with the "failure" of his marriage... etc.

 

It is a really odd situation to be in, to grieve the loss of one relationship whilst trying to prop up another relationship, another relationship that may have been the cause of the demise of the first...

 

THIS ^^^^ to a "T". It is exactly what I went through. xMM wanted me to be a happy, carefree OW but damn, it was hard enough to get out of bed somedays.

 

OP, I know what your MM is going through. Ride out the storm but just be aware he could change course at any moment.

[TurningTables]

OP,

 

I see that no one here has actually asked you how you are feeling about your MM? What do YOU want? No one can tell you how things will turn out or what the future holds by someone’s else’s experiences. You make the best decisions you can at the time and then live and learn.

Edited January 11, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic ~T

[Dreamwalker17]

Are you guys done chit chatting?

Would you like an update?

[S2B]

What happened last night when you met for dinner?

 

Any update?

[William]

Are you guys done chit chatting?

Would you like an update?

 

Chit Chatting deleted, back to your regularly scheduled programming. ~T

[Dreamwalker17]

Thank you everyone - who read, contributed, supported and advised.

 

Our meeting went ok. I had to ask him many unpleasant and uncomfortable questions and he answered them all.

He said he regrets involving me so early in the process, now seeing how badly I am affected. He thinks it was a mistake, he should've sorted everything out and come back to me only when he was ready to give me the relationship that I deserve. But he said didn't come back to me with expectations to pick up where he left off, he knows how badly he screw up by letting me go.

 

Couple people here mentioned "sunk cost" fallacy - in my case, I've cut my losses long ago. At this point to me it is a matter of it is worthy of reinvestment. Of course, I don't want to be involved as a crutch, help him to recuperate after divorce, and then he happily moves on to someone else. But he said he is committed to making our relationship work, he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

 

Thank you, TurningTables, for asking what is it that I want.

I was taken aback because at this point I don't even know.

I want to get over my anger and resentment and see where it goes then, I guess.

 

So, here is my update. We have business trip coming up, important for both of us professionally, and next dinner will be in one of the best restaurants in the world.

 

I'll update you all then.

 

Thank you again.

 

Love, D.

[lostgirl87]

I understand where you're coming from. My former MM has divorcedhis wife and we are together now. At first I thought he had told her he wanted to leave and get a divorce but I later found out that wasn't exactly how it went down. He did say he was unhappy and that things would never be the same in the marriage but he didn't pull the plug - the wife did. He did file but that's only b/c she refused to pay for a divorce that is his fault and bc As an attorney, he knew I'd help him get it properly filed.

 

I was pissed when This was clarified to me but at the end of the day, I didn't care why he was divorcing and working on a relationship with me. I just cared that he was here. I know the type of man he is: conflict avoidant, let's thing kind of happen to him to avoid uncomfortable situations, etc. He has agreed to do couples therapy to work on our communication to show me that he's really in this regardless of how the split arose. And that's fine with me. I know what I had with him and what we still have. I know I love him and i know he adores me. So what if the ex wife initiated the divorce? If he wanted to be with her, wouldn't he be at her house begging to stay? Wouldn't he be pulling all the stops to stay? Maybe you ending things with him made him realize how much he loves you and wanted to be with you. Maybe once you were gone, things in the marital home got worse and they just couldn't handle it anymore. We probably won't know exactly how It went down but that doesn't matter. What matters is what he wants to work on. What matters is what YOU want. I didn't care who said "it's over" first bc I was just so happy that we could finally be together. He didn't beg her to stay, he didn't hide us. He ran straight back to me and has been working on "us" since then.

 

No it hasn't been perfect. Yes the end of his marriage hurt him. I know he cared for her. I'd be afraid if he didn't. But he's here with me and i know this is where he wants to be regardless of how it happened. If we don't work out then that's fine but we are both working on this relationship and i know we both want it. if this is still what you want- a relationship with him- then don't let the "who left whom" question ruin it. Look at what he's doing in the relationship with you. Do you feel his love? His support? Commitment to you and yalls relationship? If so and you want to be with him then enjoy it! Appreciate that y'all finally got your chance and grow together.

 

It could also be that after so many years you're disillusioned. I get that too. Towards the end of the affair which by this time was only emotional (aka constant fighting with little to no positive attributes and definitely no physical aspect), I had given up on my MM. he was no longer a prize. I was no longer fighting for "us". Had the divorce not happened when it did, I promise you we wouldn't be together now. Maybe you've reached that point? Maybe you're just confused b/c there is SO much going on right now. It's ok to be selfish and think of how you feel or what you want. After all, your (soon to be former) MM was selfish for the entire length of the affair so it's not like he doesn't have it coming

 

Good luck! Feel free to message me if you'd like to vent! I know how difficult this process is. But I also know that what's on the other side is worth it...if you Still want it.