Mother Issues

[MattB]

I'm getting ready to propose the my girlfriend.....the love of my life.....but am having some issues at home.

 

In short, my Mother doesn't like my girlfriend Laura because I met her after graduating college (before starting my masters) and sees her as distracting me from completeing my education. She also doesn't like the idea that she is 19 (I'm 23) and she dropped out of college. I'll admit I wasn't all that pleased with that either, but she was in a program withthe highest drop out rate in the school and she was struggling with some medical problems. However, on her behalf, she is attending real estate school this fall. So basicly my mother is convinced that i'm dating a loser that has no future and will prevent me from fulfilling my dreams. That translates into (in her own words) the two of us not being able to make enough money to buy all the stuff I've ever wanted. How's that for shallow.

 

I've tried to discuss it with her and convince her that we both have education and our carreer set as a priority, but all she says is that she is convinced in her opinion and she refuses to change it. She even told me that she refuses to get to know Laura and give her any chance because she knows she doesn't like her and won't change the opinion no matter what. This has been quite the source of argument between the two of us until I got to the point I just shut up and stayed quiet. Over the past few months she has settled some, and was even civil and amiable when Laura came to vist before my move. (i'm doing my masters 1000 miles away), and we've managed to have a few conversations about Laura (note: not our relationship) without fighting. So it kinda looks like things are improving.

 

This is what I'm worried about. I've decided to propose before Christmas. We've been talking about it, and we don't plan on actually getting married until I graduate and have a carreer (two years off). So once we are married we will both have carreers and solid income. I can't wait for this to happen, but I REALLY dread telling my mother about because of her reaction. I don't know how to convince her that we are taking care of education and financial stability first and not just rushing into this.

 

One part of me says that it's my life and my happiness so I just need to think about myself and what I want, but another part of me says that she has assisted me so much in the past that her wishes should at least have some weight.

 

Anyone ever go through this? Any suggestions?

[quankanne]

if laura is of like mind about y'alls future together, then just keep your plans and goals between the two of you. Believe me, its much easier to quietly accomplish what the two of you want to accomplish, then announce your marriage plans, than to give everyone a heads up, because then EVERYONE will be wanting a blow-by-blow account of how the relationship is going! And you don't need that kind of stress.

 

another good reason for not discussing plans beyond you and laura is that if your mom has been thawing out toward her, you'll be giving her more time to get to know your beloved without pressure of "having" to like her (as she may see it).

 

a question: does laura know how your mom feels about her? If she understands the thawing animosity, it might be easier for her to agree to keep your marriage proposal low key so that she and your mom have more time to get to know each other on better terms ....

 

best of luck to you, and remember: yes it's important to have your family's imput but only up to a degree -- once you marry, your spouse and your kids become your family, your number one priority, and everyone else moves back in line.

[MattB]

yea, laura knows exactly how she feels. I keep nothing from her. I'm not planning on telling my mother every little detail and having her be an integral part of the planning process, but I do feel obligated to let her know once we are engaged. I don't want to have her find out about it when she recieves the wedding invitation.

 

The other hard part is once she is through school and we are engaged, we were going to try and have her move out with me. Not exactly easy to keep low key.

[AmberAriesMom]

As a mom with a similar situation and attitude as your mom has, I'd like to sort of take up for your mom.

 

A mom's greatest dream is for her children to grow up to become independent financially enough to live a life style at least as well as the one they've become accustomed to. I don't think your mom's concern over your not being able to afford the things you want is shallow at all. Perhaps she's not speaking of wants but needs anyway. It ain't cheap to make a home, have new clothes etc and still have money to go out once in awhile. I might ask you if you have lived totally on your own yet without any financial help from mom in order to find out just how expensive life is?

 

About keeping the progression of your relationship a secret from her? I wouldn't do that! You are wanting to bring this woman INTO your family, not keep her out.

I think one of the cruelest things a person could do to Good Ole Mom is to ignore her concerns and let her stew all alone because that sends several messages to mom, number one being that you know she loves you so no matter how inconsiderate you are of her feelings she will still love you no matter that you are using that love to get your way (like a spoiled brat). Are you planning on using this approach with Laura too when you two have disagreements? If not, then don't do it to mom either.

 

Lastly, why rush to put a ring on your woman's finger? Especially when you know it's going to be a sore spot? You shouldn't want to taint your engagement this way. If you two sincerely love each other, no ring is necessary until you are actually ready to stand on your own two feet; she's not going anywhere and neither are you if you two are really in love that much.

 

I really do believe your mom has your best interest at heart. She wouldn't be objecting to hurt you.

[quankanne]

"low key" as in, "these are the facts: I love Laura and we're engaged. Period. (when the time comes) We're living together. Period." Don't discuss wedding plans or living together with your mom because that keeps the decision in your hands, she doesn't get a say in what the two of you do.

 

going that route also might help her reassess her feelings and behavior – she may decide that because she loves you, and you love Laura, it's time to rethink things because this woman is the one who holds your happiness in her hands. Which is more important to Mom than any dislike she may have of the girl.

 

just my thoughts ...

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Are you looking at a longer engagement (ie 2 years?) because I think she's too young, and so are you. But that's just me.

[MattB]

we are looking at a 2 year engagment since we both decided to finish all of our education and find carreers first. I know we both seem really young, that thought has occured to me, but our relationship is remarkably mature. It's almost as if we are already married just without the formality.

 

Anyway, I'd be all for just informing my mom of it and treating it like that except that she still helps me out somewhat financially. She picks up my car payment and insurence payment since my student funding here barley covers the cost of living. This is one big reason why Laura isn't living with me now and why we're waiting until she finishes with school before she moves out. I can't and won't ask her to help me support the two of us. Once she finishes school and starts actually working, then it won't be a problem and we can manage. It's just there will be a period of time between when we become engaged and when she moves in and I know she'll pitch a royal fit about it. She's already informed me of this "just in case I was thinking it." It's not so much I'm concerned that she would cut me off because I know she wouldn't, I just don't want it to be something she continusously holds over my head. I could wait to tell her, but I'd feel like an ass telling her that she's moving out with me and that we've been engaged for the past 6 months.

[roxyg]

I am 21 and engaged, but it is going to be a 2 year engagement as well. My fiance is in your situation, only we both are working full time, and going to school full time. His mother, handles all his financial needs, whereas I handle all my own. My parents help out, but not as much as his mother helps him, i.e. living expenses, car expenses, etc. We currently live together, and his mom does like me, but it is hard because I am not terribly fond of her. She wants to control every bit of our relationship, as well as finances, and now our wedding plans. I feel as if your mom, wants to keep that control over you, she sees herself falling out of that number one spot, almost jealous of some girl coming in and taking you away from her. It is best to let her know up front your plans. As hard as it may be, she'll realize she can't control you forever, and you are mature enough to make decisions of your own. Mother's love their children no matter what. Set boundaries with your mom, and talk about it, don't just leave her out of the loop, it will upset her even more. So, she may not talk to you for a while, let her sort out her own feelings, and I'm sure she will realize everything works out for the best, and at some point she will need to let you go.