I cracked after 2 years NC

[Seymore]

Short(er) version of the story: She was planning on divorcing and wanted to jump straight to me. I said no and to wait until the ink was dry, she equated that with me not wanting her and after nagging me for over a month I did something incredibly stupid and caved (poor boundaries). So it became what was basically an affair - something I wish dearly that I could go back and do differently. We lasted 2.5 years and I finally got the strength to leave after much emotional and some physical abuse (she put me in a choke hold once when I tried to go home and told me I wasn't going anywhere, or would hurt herself when we would argue by punching things or grinding her knuckles on pavement), her alcoholism and the fact that I couldn't trust her - not just because she thought nothing of cheating on her ex husband numerous times with multiple men, and I had caught her in a few lies myself while we dated and had some damning evidence against her (which she claimed never happened and I imagined those things) so if she cheated on me I wouldn't be surprised. She'd accuse me of flirting with girls although I never did, yet she'd be flirty with guys all the time.

 

It was difficult to leave her. There were good days and then there were nights where she would physically block me in her house or threaten to kill herself if I left, and one night I had to call the police to make her get out of the way because I couldn't lay a hand on her. All this stuff with her 3 kids sleeping next door. I was very close with those kids, very involved in their lives and they liked me a lot, which made it even harder to leave. When I did leave, I lost all mutual friends and a couple of my own family members who refused to speak to me and not only stayed friends with her, but encouraged her to keep pushing to get me back. And for a year and a half she stalked me - I had deleted all social media, changed my number and even had the police call her and tell her if she showed up in my building again I would have a case for a restraining order. Of course she found a way around that and messaged my friends and had her family message my family.

 

About a year ago after close to a year of therapy, I came to the point where her attempts were more like a buzzing gnat and I didn't care anymore. The efforts to contact me were less and less and I hadn't heard from her in maybe 9 months.

 

Last month I heard that her father had died a few months prior, and I wanted to do something but NOT send a card to her. Instead I made a donation, made SURE it was anonymous, and somehow the charity must have screwed up because my ex caught wind of it and two weeks ago sent me a card saying thank you for the donation and that it means so much to her and she thinks about me often. A week later (last week) I bumped into her for the first time in two years - our eyes met and she stopped like she wanted to talk but I looked away walked right past. I went home and cried for hours - all those feelings came welling back up and here I thought I was done. I didn't eat for two days. And then I broke.

 

I googled her name and found out that her ex employer was suing her for something (not sure what, but I know she did a lot of stupid stuff at that job between stealing and violating medical law) so she had started a fundraiser because she couldn't afford a lawyer (she was terrible with money and I always warned her to save for retirement at least) and was doing the "poor me" routine and just about nobody was donating. Then I felt a little better because karma seemed to be working and someone had seen through her and I felt a little less crazy…then I cracked further and looked at her Facebook. No pictures or mention of a new guy or anything but looking at her smiling and her happy kids made me break. I am so sorry I peeked.

 

But one strange thing is that I looked at her face and it almost looked…foreign. I mean she LOOKED crazy now. Not different from before, but I just felt different looking at it. I still couldn't sleep and had obsessive thoughts but at the same time I think "what did I see in her - even looks-wise? And WHY does seeing her still affect me like it does?"

 

My therapist had told me before that the person I miss doesn't exist and that she's in her mid-40s and chances she would change are extremely slim to none. I don't know why I keep wavering back and forth. I'm picking up new hobbies, trying to meet some new people, spending more time with friends and family but something still haunts me about this. One friend told me it might just be the traumatic experiences I had with her, and maybe that's anger instead of missing her, but I don't know.

 

Two years down the drain. I'm so angry with myself and ashamed and feel guilty that I made the stupid decisions that got me into that relationship in the first place. At the same time I almost feel it was LESS miserable with her than without, and I've gone several years between girlfriends with no problem. I just keep telling myself nothing's changed and all the evidence is there.

Edited January 8, 2018 by Seymore

[SpecialJ]

Good for you for doing so much work in therapy, but here's my question for you: does your therapist specialize in personality disorders? I'm no expert, but it sounds like your ex is a narcissist, and it can take a lot to get over that kind of emotional abuse. Therapists can have different specialties, and having one who is very experienced with the issue you're facing can help you heal faster than one with broader experience.

 

Accepting that the person you thought your ex was doesn't exist (as your current therapist told you), and that if she is a narcissist there is almost no chance she'll change are both good foundations to hold on to if you must think about her.

 

I also think you have to forgive yourself for "breaking NC." It's supposed to be a tool for you, to help you heal and move on. You didn't actually speak to her directly, you simply got curious about her after 2 years and then went a little too far down the rabbit hole. It happened, it's over, you came to loveshack, it's okay. Now, block her on Facebook (I assume you aren't friends, but you can still block someone you're not connected to). That will help keep you from the temptation of checking in on her next time. If there is anything else you can do to block out future news of her, do that as well.

 

Most of this post is about her. Let's talk about you. Are you doing anything in addition to therapy to focus on yourself and to build your self esteem and self worth back up?

[Flove]

I'm not sure I can give you much advice but I do want to say that it's incredibly strong of you to leave her. Being able to make that decision. To go into therapy and leave her behind.

 

No one deserves abuse. I'm sorry that happened to you.

 

Don't beat yourself up over going on her Facebook out of curiosity. It happens, it's not really breaking NC. I think you did right in ignoring her messages. You've been doing amazing, she hadn't contacted you in 9 months.

 

Like the advice you gave me on my thread. It's horrible to lose friends over a relationship or even family. Thank you for sharing your experiences.

 

Loveshack is here for you.