Pano Posted January 8, 2018 Share Posted January 8, 2018 (edited) Let me share my story with you. Please don't judge me... I may be a hopeless romantic, that I accept. The lady I love is married but is trying to get divorced. I am divorced already and currently waiting for her. Because I loved her so much I left everything and move to another country to be near her and support her as she moves on with her divorce. We have been together for 6 months. My biggest issue at the moment is being patient. I only see her during the weekdays one hour at the most each day. She has young children and does not have much time to be with me. It is the most difficult time in my life, I am almost 50 years old, and first time in love after many many years. I want to wait for her and support her, but I am so impatient. How do you deal with waiting? How much time are you suppose to wait for the other person? Please give me some advice, I am going crazy... Edited January 8, 2018 by Pano Link to post Share on other sites
Patrice Posted January 8, 2018 Share Posted January 8, 2018 ending her marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted January 8, 2018 Share Posted January 8, 2018 How long is a piece of string? The common wisdom around here is that, at 6 months, if they haven't taken any definitive action towards being divorced, it's probably never going to happen... they want to keep their marriage and enjoy the affair. Many people stick it out for years, hoping that someday their partner will come through, but it's always easier to maintain the status quo than to have to go through all that fuss and bother of changing their lifestyle. It's an ongoing disappointment that can last for decades. And yet here I am, and I've chosen to wait forever. If it never happens then I'm single forever, oh well. But I can't exactly recommend that anyone else do this to themselves. Is your lady-love TRYING to get divorced, or does she just tell you that she WANTS to get divorced? Is she taking any actual steps? Does her husband have any idea that she wants out? Certainly there are situations where it's difficult and complicated to complete the divorce. Some states, it will take more than a year from when you start the process. But is she doing anything at all? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 8, 2018 Share Posted January 8, 2018 You are asking the wrong Q. The divorce takes as long as the courts let it take. No litigant has control over that & no one should just concede everything to their spouse solely to get done faster. That said once you & she decided you wanted to be together, I would not wait more then 1 month for her to file for divorce* & move out. * I don't know the law by you but in the State where I live the person can't even file until they have lived out of the house & apart from their spouse for at least 1 full year. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 8, 2018 Share Posted January 8, 2018 The lady I love is married but is trying to get divorced. Ok so what steps has she taken to get a divorce? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 8, 2018 Share Posted January 8, 2018 Welcome to LS Can you clarify what 'trying to get divorced' means? I understand that divorce is different in different countries so explaining can help with advice on how long to wait. Plenty of people don't wait at all Since you're single and moved countries for her, if she's not forthcoming with a clear and precise plan with verifiable milestones and a time of action on it, I'd consider myself single and avail myself of the other millions of available ladies in my new country. When considering this I was imagining my past trips to the FSU where I'd stay for a month or two, in my case with a lady who was available, but imagining if she was married and stringing me along with divorce talk. I'd have been making eye contact with all those beautiful Russian gals in their short skirts, fur coats and boots and mingling! You're 50, not dead, right? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 8, 2018 Share Posted January 8, 2018 All good questions, has she moved out and has she filed for divorce. Once she has filed, it will take as long as the court proceedings take. Assuming that she does get divorced, what is your plan? Will you move in together? Lots to consider if she is moving from one man to be with another, particularly if she has young children. These things can not be rushed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted January 8, 2018 Share Posted January 8, 2018 Pano, Unless we know what country you are in then we can't answer your question, as divorce laws vary in different countries. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pano Posted January 8, 2018 Author Share Posted January 8, 2018 She has taken baby steps so far. She has told her husband she wants a divorce. She keeps telling me she will do it but she wants to do it slowly so the husband will get used to the idea and be more cooperative. I want to give her some time, she is asking me to do so. So the question is how long to wait before you know you did your best? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 8, 2018 Share Posted January 8, 2018 She has taken baby steps so far. She has told her husbandshe wants a divorce. She keeps telling me she will do it but she wants to do itslowly so the husband will get used to the idea and be more cooperative. I wantto give her some time, she is asking me to do so. So the question is how longto wait before you know you did your best? Baby steps = foot dragging. If she's still living with him, she's jerking your chain. You can wait a week or a year. Nothing will change. She's using you as a crutch. Once she frees herself from this marriage she won't be emotionally ready to settle down with you. This is not going to end well for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted January 8, 2018 Share Posted January 8, 2018 Well, if she's actually told him, that's a start. (Do you have any evidence other than her word that she has, though?) So, what's she doing next? What's her plan? Marriage is complicated. Leaving isn't easy. We come down pretty harsh here because we have so often seen liars who have no intention of leaving. But many people DO leave and many people DO find it difficult, so really, the proof of the pudding is in the eating. Talk to her, find out what is actually happening, don't let her brush it all aside to focus on happy times with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pano Posted January 8, 2018 Author Share Posted January 8, 2018 I know what you are all saying here, I just don't have the strength to end it. I keep telling myself she will do it... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 8, 2018 Share Posted January 8, 2018 So, OP, how long did your divorce take? Was this person any factor in your divorce? You mentioned she has 'young children'. In general, divorces with children take longer and are more involved. Still, there are clear steps, the first of which is 'making it legal', following whatever the laws of the country/state are for marital dissolution. How old is the lady in question? Is this her first marriage? In general, women who have been married and divorced prior have more skills and savvy about the process. That could have bearing on how long the wait is. IME, granted a small sample of under ten MW's I've known when they had small children, none divorced while the children were small. I'm older though, so there's the generational aspects as well. In my culture and generation, women, and men, often would wait until the 'children were grown' to actually divorce, though they might have separate lives and loves prior. IMO, since you're in-country, invite her on a social engagement which fits her schedule and focus on the interaction and see how it flows. Usually MW's will tell you everything you want to know if you're open to it. The other part is accepting what they tell you with their words and actions and not filtering it through the lens of that mushy love stuff. I trust your answers will come. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 8, 2018 Share Posted January 8, 2018 I know what you are all saying here, I just don't have the strength to end it. I keep telling myself she will do it... Maybe you just need to arrange to go home, put some distance between you. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 8, 2018 Share Posted January 8, 2018 She's using you as a crutch. Once she frees herself from this marriage she won't be emotionally ready to settle down with you. This is not going to end well for you. Also my concern. Especially because she has young children, it makes the whole process infinitely more complicated. If you want to meet someone, fall in love, move in together and live happily ever after... you need to find someone single. IF she actually leaves her husband, this is classic exit affair. Sometimes, women will stay with their affair partners - but not always. And yes, I doubt that she or her children will be emotionally ready to have the relationship you want or expect to have with her. Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pano Posted January 8, 2018 Author Share Posted January 8, 2018 Thank you all for your replies. Link to post Share on other sites
lookingforclosure Posted January 8, 2018 Share Posted January 8, 2018 Please don't be like me and wait for your married affair partner to decide to divorce...only for it to take almost 3 years...and they find someone else Worst mistake I ever did make...please don't be ME 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted January 8, 2018 Share Posted January 8, 2018 When she tells you she is getting a divorce ,which is quite different to 'TRYING' you will know she means it. Until then, you will have to wait and hope. You have given up a lot for her so I do hope she is genuine. POppy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted January 9, 2018 Share Posted January 9, 2018 A good rule of thumb for someone in an affair to get a glimpse into the true nature of their ap is to watch how they treat their spouse ( if they say they are going to divorce), listen to when they take stock of their responsibility for the affair and also their actions in general. you're just a bit older than me, and one thing you should have learned by now is that words mean zero...zip...nada. It's the action that counts. In spite of what some believe, most bs aren't terrible people. They are just average, same as everyone else. Even if she no longer loves her husband and wants out, if she treats him badly, leads him on ( pretending to want to work things out with him, even though all this time, she's making plans with you) etc., then that is a clue as to her true personality. The same goes if she's trying to make him miserable so he'll be the one to pull the plug so she won't have to accept the blame, even though it's really her doing. I know you love her, and it's so easy to make excuses for someone when we care about them, but try and look at it objectively. She told him she wants a divorce ( she says). If this is true, then what steps is she taking to make that happen in away that is best for her, her husband and children ( not just her). Has she set up fmaily counseling for them to help the transition? Has she consulted an attorney? Has she begun making plans for either herself or her husband to find a new home? Has she started breaking the news to friends and family? About the affair...has she accepted responsibility for it, or is she blaming it on her husband? If she's blaming him, that is a HUGE red flag. That means that she is basically saying she has no control over her own choices and behaviors. Of course not everyone who cheats will cheat again,but the chances are far higher if she sees it as being something she couldn't help. The poster who suggested that you try and take a step back and give her space and time to do what she needs to do is right. It will also give you space and time to be a bit more objective about the situation. It can be hard to think clearly when you are in the thick of things. Stand back and watch the situation unfolds. You can let her know that you support her, but this really is a gauntlet she has to walk alone. If she is truly divorcing because her marriage has run its course, you stepping back won't change that. She'll likley be sad, but still relieved and feel it was for the best. If she's divorcing just to be with you...watch out! The first bump in your road together and you may well find yourself cast in the role of villain for luring her away form her happy life ( at least in her mind) 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pano Posted January 9, 2018 Author Share Posted January 9, 2018 (edited) The truth is I make excuses for her all the time. She keeps saying I am the love of her life but I see very little proving this. I have no strength to end it. I tried several times I cannot do it. Also I have made several mistakes like putting too much pressure on her to end her marriage and it has only backfired on me. I don't know what to do now. I want to give her somemore time, but every month that passes and nothing changes I feel more and more disappointed. It is like a bad investment. I have put so much into it I cannot give it up. Some days I have the strength to continue, other times it is really difficult. I know I have to face reality, I don't know how. I just hope over time I will be able to move on slowly. I just can't do it now. Edited January 9, 2018 by Pano Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted January 9, 2018 Share Posted January 9, 2018 The truth is I make excuses for her all the time. She keeps saying I am the love of her life but I see very little proving this. I have no strength to end it. I tried several times I cannot do it. Also I have made several mistakes like putting too much pressure on her to end her marriage and it has only backfired on me. I don't know what to do now. I want to give her somemore time, but every month that passes and nothing changes I feel more and more disappointed. It is like a bad investment. I have put so much into it I cannot give it up. Some days I have the strength to continue, other times it is really difficult. I know I have to face reality, I don't knowhow. I just hope over time I will be able to move on slowly. I just can't do it now. Is there anyone in your life that you can trust enough to talk to about this? Anyone who can give you some "tough love" if you need it? I would also suggest that you plan a solo vacation, sans phone, computer, etc. for a few weeks. Sometimes a change of scenery can give you some perspective. It doesn't have to be anywhere expensive. Even just a nearby city or one of those "vacation rentals by owner" or a cabin in the woods somewhere. While you are away, try to find "you" again. Try new experiences, meet new people ( not romantically if you don't want to, just as friends) and give yourself some time to think without any influences other than your own mind. If you need to leave an emergency contact number with someone you trust ( not the woman you are involved with) then do so. Let her know you are taking this time for yourself, and if she loves and respects you, she will give you this time and not intrude. By leaving the phone and computer at home, you will be forced to wean yourself off her, if only for a little while. This can help to clear your mind and think. It maybe that you decide she is exactly what you want, or it may be you decide differently...you will have made the decision on your own and can feel good about it. It's so easy to lose ourselves in a relationship ( like my sig line says) that we forget who we really are. Finding that again can be really helpful. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
misspalmy Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 If they havnt dont it yet then mostly they wont. they all the same 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lostgirl87 Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 I was in an affair for over a year and a half before my current bf got divorced.we 2 DDays which I caused when I called the wife. The divorce happened months after the last dday. Everyone here will tell you "if they don't leave within 6 months they're never getting a divorce". They don't know! Lol. Everyone has their own timeline and way of doing things. Having said that, be honest with yourself and make a deadline for yourself. Don't impose one on her. I made big changes in the affair which I think helped my bf move to get the divorce. But I stopped trying to push him. I believed in him, our love and in us. I am thankful every day that I never gave up on him despite what others said. Good luck to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 we 2 DDays which I caused when I called the wife. The divorce happened months after the last dday. Don't impose one on her. Calling and exposing the affair is imposing on the married person on some level huh?. In your situation it didn't backfire but in most affairs that are exposed over don't end up like yours, you get your MM. Pano you could take the route the above poster did by exposing the affair. Tell her husband about the affair and why she wants to divorce him. They have young children together and I'm betting this is weighing huge on her decision and how it's going to affect them. How was their marriage before you entered into her life? If a marriage truly is having issues and on the verge of a divorce, what is she waiting for ? Or did she just fall for you and still loves her husband as well? Set a time line for yourself. Can you imagine sitting and waiting in the same place you are in now in another 6 months or a year? Stop having sex with her, end the physical part of your affair. Shield your heart. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 I think she's just enjoying the attention and adoration from you. You up and moved countries because of her.... you've shown your commitment. She should not have let you do that until she had separated from her husband. I'm thinking she's a bit younger than you..with the young kids. Most married women will only leave for a better (in their view) man.. Who can offer more..... one way or another. Is her marriage really bad? So are you wealthy? ...can you improve or keep her in her current lifestyle? Then there's her children? Are you going to be patient enough with young ones? Do you have any of your own children? Are you prepared to be a step dad? These are all the things I'd be thinking about...if I were to end my marriage for another man. Of course an affair partner makes you feel so good. You don't have to deal with real life problems with them. It's all great fun. I'd get a ton of compliments and adoration that I don't get on a daily basis from my husband ... but the million dollar question is.... when I weigh up all the factors.... is it really worth ending my marriage for? What can you provide that her husband can't? And you know what? Love on it's own isn't going to be enough. This isn't just her life. It's het children's lives too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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