How long to wait for someone to divorce?

[lostgirl87]

Calling and exposing the affair is imposing on the married person on some level huh?. In your situation it didn't backfire but in most affairs that are exposed over don't end up like yours, you get your MM.

 

Pano you could take the route the above poster did by exposing the affair. Tell her husband about the affair and why she wants to divorce him.

 

They have young children together and I'm betting this is weighing huge on her decision and how it's going to affect them.

 

How was their marriage before you entered into her life? If a marriage truly is having issues and on the verge of a divorce, what is she waiting for ? Or did she just fall for you and still loves her husband as well?

 

Set a time line for yourself. Can you imagine sitting and waiting in the same place you are in now in another 6 months or a year? Stop having sex with her, end the physical part of your affair. Shield your heart.

Oh I imposed A LOT. I questioned, pushed, pressured, you name it. But it didn't work. It wasn't until I stopped doing all of that and took a step back, without cutting him off completely, that things changed. That's what I meant. I'm suggesting to the OP that he not make the initial mistakes that I made. Pushing them to leave when they aren't ready (for whatever reason) backfired on us. In my case, it caused us to fight constantly. Once I stopped, our relationship drastically improved and eventually things worked out. Not overnight but it did get better.

 

I agree with stopping the physical part- I did that as well. Definitely set a deadline for yourself and be honest about where the relationship is going. Don't sacrifice your emotional well-being for someone else. Like I said, you can make some changes if you don't feel like you can completely cut ties with her right now. Don't be so available. Don't take all of her calls and texts. I know it sounds like I'm telling you to play games but I'm not. I want you to allow some distance between y'all. Right now you are so focused on her and what she's going to do that you aren't living for yourself. Once you take a step back, you can begin to think more clearly. Do at least that for yourself.

[Pano]

Great advice and replies from all of you. Thank you !!!

[Pano]

They have been married for less than 10 years before the affair started. She was in love with me since she was 14, at some point we were friends then I moved away from home to another country and we lost each other. After almost 30 years we found each other on FB. We became friends again, we had a great connection and slowly we fell in love.

 

When we finally met we had an amazing chemistry, like we were made from the same material. I have never felt this way before and she said to me the same. Now close to 7 months when we are together we are still the same, every time it is amazing.

 

I have met her kids, they love me we have spent some time together and I believe I can be a great step dad.

 

I know before the affair she had an OK relationship with her husband. Now they fight a lot especially the last few months.

 

I only can go with the information she gives me, there is no way to know if she is honest or not with me. I want to believe her I just don't know for sure. She is saying she is moving forward with it slowly because she is trying to end it with him in good terms.

[BaileyB]

I'm sorry, I'm sure that you are a very nice man but what are you thinking... meeting this woman's children? How would you feel if the roles were reversed and YOUR wife was introducing YOUR children to another man. You would be absolutely furious, I'm sure. They "love you" --- that is totally inappropriate and shows very poor judgment. It is a terrible thing to do to children...

[wmacbride]

Oh I imposed A LOT. I questioned, pushed, pressured, you name it. But it didn't work. It wasn't until I stopped doing all of that and took a step back, without cutting him off completely, that things changed. That's what I meant. I'm suggesting to the OP that he not make the initial mistakes that I made. Pushing them to leave when they aren't ready (for whatever reason) backfired on us. In my case, it caused us to fight constantly. Once I stopped, our relationship drastically improved and eventually things worked out. Not overnight but it did get better.

 

I agree with stopping the physical part- I did that as well. Definitely set a deadline for yourself and be honest about where the relationship is going. Don't sacrifice your emotional well-being for someone else. Like I said, you can make some changes if you don't feel like you can completely cut ties with her right now. Don't be so available. Don't take all of her calls and texts. I know it sounds like I'm telling you to play games but I'm not. I want you to allow some distance between y'all. Right now you are so focused on her and what she's going to do that you aren't living for yourself. Once you take a step back, you can begin to think more clearly. Do at least that for yourself.

 

op,

in a situation where the bs has been told twice by the ow/om, it may well be that ap is only getting divorced because the bs no longer wants them around.

 

While the situation mentioned in the quoted post may be different, that is a risk you may take should you choose to stay with this mw. I believe the term used is "monkey branching". Do you really want to be with someone who feels she's only doing it because she has been basically kicked out of her marriage and she has no choice? Someone who would have rather gone on lying and been perfectly fine with that?

 

People in relationships give you all kinds of clues about who and what they really are, but you have to be willing to see them. I get that it can be heady to feel like you're the one being "chosen", but if your mw is only with you because she feels she has no where else to go ( her husband found out about the A and has requested a divorce) has she really chosen "you", or is it more a case of desperation?

[wmacbride]

They have been married for less than 10 years before the affair started. She was in love with me since she was 14, at some point we were friends then I moved away from home to another country and we lost each other. After almost 30 years we found each other on FB. We became friends again, we had a great connection and slowly we fell in love.

 

When we finally met we had an amazing chemistry, like we were made from the same material. I have never felt this way before and she said to me the same. Now close to 7 months when we are together we are still the same, every time it is amazing.

 

I have met her kids, they love me we have spent some time together and I believe I can be a great step dad.

 

I know before the affair she had an OK relationship with her husband. Now they fight a lot especially the last few months.

 

I only can go with the information she gives me, there is no way to know if she is honest or not with me. I want to believe her I just don't know for sure. She is saying she is moving forward with it slowly because she is trying to end it with him in good terms.

 

 

Whoa there...this is a huge red flag. That shows just how entitled and selfish she is.

 

I don't care how flipping much she's in the affair fog...you never, EVER put your children in a situation like this. She's that self centered that she would do this?

 

Seriously, think about that for a minute. Take of your "other man" hat for a minute and look at that form the perspective of both the children and their father. In their shoes, how would you feel? If you're being honest, I would hope it would be very hurt and angry. What sort of a person does that?

 

Like I said above...people give you all kinds of clues about what they are really like, but you have to be willing to see them.

[imsosad]

Whoa there...this is a huge red flag. That shows just how entitled and selfish she is.

 

I don't care how flipping much she's in the affair fog...you never, EVER put your children in a situation like this. She's that self centered that she would do this?

 

Seriously, think about that for a minute. Take of your "other man" hat for a minute and look at that form the perspective of both the children and their father. In their shoes, how would you feel? If you're being honest, I would hope it would be very hurt and angry. What sort of a person does that?

 

Like I said above...people give you all kinds of clues about what they are really like, but you have to be willing to see them.

 

I agree with wmacbride 100%.

I can not think of one good reason to drag the children in to this very adult mess.

Can you and your MW see the guilt and confusion you are setting these kids up to face later on?

My AP and I both divorced to be together and have been in a proper relationship for almost 2 years. We live seperately because we both have children. I do not involve him in my kids' lives. We are together when our children are with the ex spouses and do not get together with our kids on the days we have them.

My children are adjusting to their father and me separating, the last thing they need is to be dealing with Mommy's Boyfriend.

I wouldn't dream of introducing them to my AP before we were both legally divorced and some time has passed.

Could it be that you and your AP are so caught up in your affair that you find it romantic to play House together?

During our affair, my AP brought his (then very very young) children to the supermarket where we would sometimes meet up to grocery shop togehter (ugh, I can't believe how childish and silly it seems now) and I LOST it. We had our biggest argument ever over that. I could not accept that he was disrespecting their mother this way or putting them willingly in (emotional) harm's way.

It has changed my view of him. I will date him, but I have no plans to marry him any time soon and I will not have a baby with him.

He knows that is one of the reasons he doesn't get to be a part of my kids' lives.

I'm sure both you and your AP are not bad people. Please stop to think about how your actions affect these young children.

[sandylee1]

If you expose to the betrayed spouse, like some people have done...chances are you get your AP by default...because their BH/BW has had enough of them and doesn't want them anymore.

 

That said some people are so desperate for revenge or to 'win'... they do it anyway.

 

She has a lot to loose? Can you compensate for that?

 

Even though you say she's loved you since she was 14 .. we all know what 14 year old love is like...she's older now.

 

 

She has responsibilities and she is probably glad she's had the reality of her lifetime crush...but is she really going to take her kids from their stable home for you?

 

I doubt it.

[Miyoko]

A good rule of thumb for someone in an affair to get a glimpse into the true nature of their ap is to watch how they treat their spouse ( if they say they are going to divorce), listen to when they take stock of their responsibility for the affair and also their actions in general.

 

you're just a bit older than me, and one thing you should have learned by now is that words mean zero...zip...nada. It's the action that counts.

 

In spite of what some believe, most bs aren't terrible people. They are just average, same as everyone else. Even if she no longer loves her husband and wants out, if she treats him badly, leads him on ( pretending to want to work things out with him, even though all this time, she's making plans with you) etc., then that is a clue as to her true personality. The same goes if she's trying to make him miserable so he'll be the one to pull the plug so she won't have to accept the blame, even though it's really her doing.

 

I know you love her, and it's so easy to make excuses for someone when we care about them, but try and look at it objectively. She told him she wants a divorce ( she says). If this is true, then what steps is she taking to make that happen in away that is best for her, her husband and children ( not just her). Has she set up fmaily counseling for them to help the transition? Has she consulted an attorney? Has she begun making plans for either herself or her husband to find a new home? Has she started breaking the news to friends and family?

 

About the affair...has she accepted responsibility for it, or is she blaming it on her husband? If she's blaming him, that is a HUGE red flag. That means that she is basically saying she has no control over her own choices and behaviors. Of course not everyone who cheats will cheat again,but the chances are far higher if she sees it as being something she couldn't help.

 

The poster who suggested that you try and take a step back and give her space and time to do what she needs to do is right. It will also give you space and time to be a bit more objective about the situation. It can be hard to think clearly when you are in the thick of things. Stand back and watch the situation unfolds. You can let her know that you support her, but this really is a gauntlet she has to walk alone. If she is truly divorcing because her marriage has run its course, you stepping back won't change that. She'll likley be sad, but still relieved and feel it was for the best. If she's divorcing just to be with you...watch out! The first bump in your road together and you may well find yourself cast in the role of villain for luring her away form her happy life ( at least in her mind)

 

This is really great advice! I agree with everything you said!