The begining of the end?

[4givrnt4gtr]

Well, on my last thread about 6 months ago I mentioned how my husband told me he was going to look for a job in our original hometown, clear across the continent if the fertility treatments we were pursuing at the time didn't work. Well, they didn't work. However, he didn't exactly look for a job as much as one landed on his lap about three weeks ago. Now, mind you, we are in the middle of an IVF treatment, with the transfer of our embrios three weeks from the time he was told about this job. We debated it for a while and he ended up taking it.

 

He explained it as it being so that we can have a stable future once I am out of this god forsaken contract I can't break. He initially told me we should postpone the transfer to the middle of this year so that by the time I give birth (if it works), it would be just in time for my contract to end. I refuse to do it because I went through hell and back in this cycle and don't want it to be for nothing. SO we are going forward with it....

 

Yet... I can't help but fear that he will detach from our marriage....I feel like he might not be as in love with me as is needed for something like we are attempting. Im terrified.

 

He swears up and down that he loves me and is doing all this for us...but I just can't shake it. Doesn't help that something similar to this happened to me a few years before I met my husband with someone else (that didnt end well, clearly).

 

I just returned a few days ago from helping him settling down (he left this past week), and even today I didn't get one text or call from him until I texted him.

He responded very lovingly and said he would call me when he gets out from work...but I am honestly terrified he might start withdrawing and eventually will end our relationship....

 

I dont even know what Im asking.. I guess, am I overreacting? What do I do with all this? How should I proceed with this situation??

[carhill]

Infertility is tough. BTDT. My sympathies. TBH I think some of it is related to that. IME it's easy to feel one failure and transfer it to other aspects of the M.

 

IMO, keep communicating and things will work out.

[road]

I do not know where you work.

 

Though I know contracts can be broken.

 

So what do you value more your job or your marriage?

[lucy_in_disguise]

I do not know where you work.

 

Though I know contracts can be broken.

 

So what do you value more your job or your marriage?

 

Pretty sure OP is in the military so it's not that easy. Even if she could break the contract, why is it on her to demonstrate she values her marriage more? Her husband was the one who decided to move.

 

OP, it sounds like a tough situation. If I were your husband and saw the distress this was causing you, I would opt to stick around for the remainder of your contract, then look for new opportunities together. But it sounds like he has already moved. no one can tell you if you are reading too much into things or not. There are no guarantees in life and this could be the beginning of the end, or it could be what he alleges it is, a temporary separation allowing him to establish himself in your new town while you finish the remainder of your contract. I would say, unless your husband is very confrontation- avoidant or clueless about his feelings, the fact that he wants to proceed with the fertility treatments indicates to me he is still invested in the relationship.

 

So, since there's not much you can do to change the fact of him moving, I would try to be positive about it. Don't let your anxiety turn into a self fulfilling prophesy. Assume the best but be prepared for the worst.

[Els]

Were you in support of him taking the new job? What was the reason for the need for him to take this one?

 

That being said, I'm a little confused by your anxiety and feelings of doom. The way I'm reading it, this is just 9 months of long distance within the same country with a definite end date, right? Frankly, my thoughts are that if a marriage can't withstand that, it wasn't going to last to begin with.

 

That ALSO being said... the fertility treatments do throw a new curveball into things. This is your first child, you are going to be pregnant, you are understandably feeling very vulnerable and it really does suck that your husband isn't going to be around for your pregnancy and possibly even your labour. For that reason, I do wish for your sake that he had not taken the new job that he did. But he has, and presumably there's no going back. So I agree with lucy, move forward and try not to let your anxiety turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

[Just a Guy]

Hi 4g, what is that old saying? 'Distance makes the heart grow fonder'. How long before this contract of yours ends? Also can you and him pay each other visits at periodic intervals to freshen up your connection? The thing is if you become paranoid about this you will likely generate a self fulfilling prophecy. Let this thing rest lightly on your shoulders and do not dwell on it too much. In the old days when communication was not so ubiquitous, couples would remain out of touch over extended periods of time. Yet the bonds survived. Just be happy and think positively so that your IVF program also progresses to completion successfully. Warm wishes.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Although I'm loathe to blame a woman's worrying on "hormones," fertility drugs can really mess with your emotions.....

[BarbedFenceRider]

So, OP is worried about hubby taking a job across the country, but she has a military contract? And has the thought that she could be deployed at ANYTIME for up to 16 mos. never enter his head as well?

Or are we talking a personal contract type job? And then the question of is his needs for his career worthy of her faith in him....

[4givrnt4gtr]

Thank you all so much for your responses.

 

Just to address some questions. I am in the military and have a contract as an officer (which makes it nearly impossible to breach) that ends in a year and a half. I also can't transfer to where my husband is at (I tried).

 

Barbedfenced, I did bring that the whole deployment issue as well. If I get deployed I will be royally screwed. We have a house we own as well a few pets including two dogs that I am now completely in charged of. If I deployed he will either have to quit his job and come back or...well I have no idea....

 

Justaguy, yes we are planning to see each other at least once per month...He mentioned even more, but Im not sure we can financially support that. I am trying to be optimistic but for some reason evenings are harder on me. Yesterday I was sad...today Im just pissed and resentful.

 

However, like Cautiouslyoptimistic mentioned, this up and down may also be due to the ton of hormones Im taking....which bring me back to my resentment...why would he think its ok for him to even think about leaving while we are in the middle of something so stressful and hard on me?

 

Elyswith, I was very on the fence about his job. On the one hand, he was unable to get a job in that same city for over a year, and after that he only found part time jobs wherever we went. The fact that this one landed on his lap was pure miracle, I felt that we couldn't afford him not taking it.

On the other hand, we don't need this job right now...Im doing well financially, and with his part time we were ok. But I guess like someone had said in the last thread, I think this has to do more with his ego than necessity.

 

Finally, he did say that if I wanted to he would turn down the job. However, I knew how miserable he was thinking he didnt have a chance to get back to his career. I just couldn't bring myself to not support him in this. He was very grateful and promised to do everything he could to make it easier on me.

 

Like I Said I keep going from sad, to resentful, to ok......ANd its just the first week...

[lucy_in_disguise]

Hugs to you OP, and thank you for your service. It takes a special person to serve in the military. You've got a lot on your plate and I can tell you that anyone in your situation would be stressing out. You're a strong person for keeping it together!

 

It also takes a special person to be a military spouse. So much personal sacrifice, and very little recognition. I can empathize with your husband and understand his desire to get back to his hometown and his career. 1.5 years can be a manageable length of time to be apart, if you have a strong relationship and there is a clear end game in sight.

 

However, adding fertility treatments, 2 dogs, and a house to the mix, and I completely understand your resentment. It seems like he is reneging on the deal you both agreed to when you joined the military. What is he going to do if the fertility treatments are successful and you get pregnant? Does he intend for you to go through the pregnancy, and first several months of parenthood, alone, or is he going to move back to support you? It just seems like this job and his move weren't thought through all the way.

 

It's a tough situation because it's not fair for you to carry all of these burdens without his support, but having him move back, if he will be depressed and resentful, isn't a much better option.

 

The good news is, there are only two options. You can express to him how much you need his support and ask him to move back. Imo given all you have going on this is a totally reasonable option. However, it only works if you can count on him to put his ambitions aside for now, and focus on the fertility treatments and being supportive.

 

Or, you can accept that it will be a long distance relationship for the next 1.5 years. If this is the situation, I think you need to have a serious discussion about the fertility treatments and how you will manage the pregnancy and motherhood Long distance. You should also think about what you will need from him to maintain your relationship and feel supported. Maybe that's skyping every night and visits every two weeks. I understand that's an additional expense, but if he is making more money, I am sure you would at least break even, and if it helps you have a happier marriage, it's so worth it. Maybe you should consider selling your house and downsizing, and sending the dogs to live with him, to make your life easier in the meantime. Do whatever you can to reduce your stress levels, focus on the positives, and the long distance can be overcome.

 

I think the biggest risk here is that he may not be on the same page as you about starting a family- right now or ever. That would be difficult to get past, especially seeing as how you're already trying to have a baby. If that's the case, I think marriage counseling would really help you understand each other's priorities in that regard and help you decide how to move forward.

[Just a Guy]

Hi 4g, I wanted to ask you if your parents could come live with you during this period to be of help to you? If that was possible then it would be a big load off your shoulders. I also wanted to ask you if your husband was fully supportive of your decision to go in for this IVF procedure especially after the previous fertility treatments had failed? I am asking this because, for one thing you have titled your thread as 'The beginning of the end' and for another, your husband has left you at a critical juncture in your procedure when you probably needed him the most.

 

I also want to ask you as to how long you two have been married and whether you were already in the military when you met and married? Do you plan on leaving the military after your contract is over and join your husband as a SAHM or would you have to continue to serve? Forgive me as I am not familiar with what happens in your nation's military. After reading through your second post explaining your situation in more detail it seems that to some extent the two of you have not planned in enough detail to have been able to obviate certain problems which could have been avoided. It is sad that a woman who so desperately wants to have a baby is finding it so difficult and then there was that other thread where a number of posters reported that they were child free by choice when possibly they could have conceived but didn't want to.

 

The way I see it is that 6ou will now have to weather this storm hoping for the best and keeping the flame between you and your husband alive. Just pray and believe and leave the rest up to the Almighty. Warm wishes.

[4givrnt4gtr]

Hi 4g, I wanted to ask you if your parents could come live with you during this period to be of help to you?

Yes actually my mom just told me she may be able to come help me out so that is a hope

 

I also wanted to ask you if your husband was fully supportive of your decision to go in for this IVF procedure especially after the previous fertility treatments had failed? I am asking this because, for one thing you have titled your thread as 'The beginning of the end' and for another, your husband has left you at a critical juncture in your procedure when you probably needled him the most.

Yes , he wants children probably even more than I do, though when this came up he did mention delaying the embrio transfer to a few minths before my contract ended but I was already in the middle of the cycle and everything had been paid for. I agree and its what hurts me the most. He left me when I needed him the most.

 

I also want to ask you as to how long you two have been married and whether you were already in the military when you met and married? Do you plan on leaving the military after your contract is over and join your husband as a SAHM or would you have to continue to serve? Forgive me as I am not familiar with what happens in your nation's military.

We’ve been married three years. I was not in the military yet. In fact I joined when he told me he wanted to be a stay at home dad and/or work free lance. I figured I needed something solid so I joined ( another reason Im so bitter about this) I do plan to get out. I am very unhappy in the job I have and its something he knows so he said he wanted to ensure we had something solid when I did get out. I wont be a SAHM, I have a career I want to continue as a civilian.

 

I do agree this was not well planned. My friend described it as this new job playing on my husbands insecurities and needs so he jump to it without thinking it thru. My mom warned me recently against having a baby with him given this. She said she is afraid he may just leave me with all the burdens including children should he one day decide that another job or whatever pops up somewhere else. Ofcourse that didnt help my anxiety. I also get irritated when he sends me pics of him hanging out with friends at restaurants and just relaxing, all while Im struggling to keep my head above water with my job the pets and the house. I just dont know how to manage all this ?

[BarbedFenceRider]

Yeah, I get it. It's all well and good to say that you guys are going to do the SAHD thing. Until, his patriarchal duties and self worth get in the way. Some guys I guess can do it. But others, not so much. As you stated, you took the military job after you guys married. And what was his thinking when your obligations such as TDY and training came up? I feel this is kind of the same situation as now...

As for your mom talking about him leaving you...Not cool. Playing with your emotions and not really being effective in supporting you guys does not help.

Men need work...It is their rudder and gives balance in their lives. Without this, like we see today with our youth. We see no responsibility taken, no life goals and no aspirations or fascination with the world around them. I feel that you may be seeing this in your relationship. He does not feel like the provider, and forsure does not want to be viewed as the weak effeminate house man. So you in turn, get pictures of him "hanging out". While you do not appreciate this from your point of view, I do see that he is actually trying to figure himself out. He obviously loves you. No one says yes to fertility programs and kids without being commited. But, this job means absolutely a lot to him. It gives him self worth and a "rudder". You being an officer in the military and in leadership roles see this...Don't you?

What job did he land if you don't mind? And also, what was he doing "freelance" previously?

[lucy_in_disguise]

I think you need to be more vocal about your needs. You guys can do long distance for now but i feel like there is a lot you guys can do so you are not shouldering so much of the joint responsibilities. It is possible to be supportive from a distance but you need better communication.

 

Imo your mom is not helping at all. He is your family and you are still both committed to your marriage. If she doesn't have anything supportive or constructive to offer she should really stay out of it. Her comments just serve to fuel your insecurities here.

 

Please take care of yourself and focus on your well being. Do what you can to make your life easier. Actively seek your husbands help and support when you need it. There are always several ways to look at any situation. Having a positive outlook can make a huge difference.

[4givrnt4gtr]

THank you so much Lucy and Barbed! YOu guys are awesome. Ive been in a seriously bad place today because of all this but reading your responses helped me put it into perspective again.

 

Barbed, its almost like you talked to him because that is exactly what he describes. His sense of self got lost when he chose to quit his job. It was not at all what he expected and he hated it.

 

We actually never did talk about what would happen if I got tasked for deployment or training. I did do a couple of TDYs and he managed the house just fine. However, those never last more than a week or so and he used to work about 4 hours per day. Another issue is that my job is not necessarily a 9-5...I am often gone 12-14 hours per day, and in the evening I am supposed to study for a license, so that, and then coming home to riled up pups and a house to take care of is quite a bit challenging. I was already struggling to keep my head above water before he left (with his full knowledge), so I guess I am a bit hurt that he kind of dismissed that and left anyway leaving me with even more responsibilities. Needless to say today I was trying to figure out how to do it all and got mad and sad all over again.

 

I do agree that this job is super important for him, not so much because of the money as it is for what it means to him. I guess its a matter of whose needs are going to be met at this juncture.

 

Lucy, I agree I need to be more vocal about my needs. Its something I realized today. I wish I had done it much earlier, even when he was here. Right now though I just can't ask him to come back as I feel that it will bring resentment from him. He did say that he would be happy to cover anything I need in regards to taking care of hte pups, as he made this decision to leave so I guess I can take him up on that and find a day care for them so they are not so riled up when I get home.

 

Im trying to figure out how to address taking into account both of our needs and without coming off as unfair. I guess I can literally say that....

[4givrnt4gtr]

Well things went from bad to worse. I talked to my husband about how Ive been feeling, how overwhelmed I am and how upser I am that he left. I told him that although I understood why he had to take the job it still felt like I ws left holding the bag and couldnt help but wonder if he was committed to our marriage or if whenever he didnt like something he would find a way out.

His response was that he felt the life we had here where Im atwas fake and he had to go to build our “real” life.

Today he called me and told me that bassically he doesnt want me to go through with the transfer of the embrios this week, that is not the right time and that he doesnt think we should do it until we are in the same place again.

That broke my heart

 

Ive been going thru hell and back to get to this point. Though he presents it as him looking out for me from my perspective is even more fuel to the he wants out fire.

 

I couldnt talk much after that as I got really upset. Just told him that fine, if he doesnt want to do this I had to accept it and that I would call the center to cancel the transfer. Intold him I had to go and hanged up.

 

Im devastated by all this.

[BTDT2012]

(((Hugs)))I'm sorry that things aren't working out the way that you wanted. I do agree with him that with things as unsettled as they are between you that delaying the embryo transfer is a good thing. You're feeling overwhelmed already and adding a child to the mix right now doesn't seem like a good thing.

 

Did you enter the military intending to make it a career? Is selling the house and sending the dogs to him a possibility? It seems that he is trying to prepare for the end of your contract. You could have told him not to take the job, but you chose to go along with it.

 

We’ve been married three years. I was not in the military yet. In fact I joined when he told me he wanted to be a stay at home dad and/or work free lance. I figured I needed something solid so I joined ( another reason Im so bitter about this) I do plan to get out. I am very unhappy in the job I have and its something he knows so he said he wanted to ensure we had something solid when I did get out.

 

Was entering the military a joint decision? It seems that you should put more emphasis on figuring out what really works for you, rather than doing things solely based on his wants.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Well things went from bad to worse. I talked to my husband about how Ive been feeling, how overwhelmed I am and how upser I am that he left. I told him that although I understood why he had to take the job it still felt like I ws left holding the bag and couldnt help but wonder if he was committed to our marriage or if whenever he didnt like something he would find a way out.

His response was that he felt the life we had here where Im atwas fake and he had to go to build our “real” life.

Today he called me and told me that bassically he doesnt want me to go through with the transfer of the embrios this week, that is not the right time and that he doesnt think we should do it until we are in the same place again.

That broke my heart

 

Ive been going thru hell and back to get to this point. Though he presents it as him looking out for me from my perspective is even more fuel to the he wants out fire.

 

I couldnt talk much after that as I got really upset. Just told him that fine, if he doesnt want to do this I had to accept it and that I would call the center to cancel the transfer. Intold him I had to go and hanged up.

 

Im devastated by all this.

 

Gosh I'm sorry 4get. Your husband sounds either very lost to me, or else very insensitive/ a dick.

 

How does the embryo transfer work? Could you easily just freeze what you have, and impact it later? Or would that involve starting over to some extent?

 

If the latter, I am probably going to get flamed for this, but if I were you, I'd be thinking "this is bullsiht" right now, and probably go through with the transfer anyway. He may not know what the eff he wants or distinguish "real life" with fake, but if you want a kid, and you're already having issues- well, I guess I wouldn't waver off that path or take any chances. But if you feel you are near divorce right now, maybe that's not the best advice.

 

Either way... Please take care of yourself. Your husband may be saying all the wrong things, but how you react to that is still somewhat under your control. Someone has to think of your wellbeing, and it may need to be you. Set a limit on how upset you will allow yourself to become, and remember that no matter how bad things seem right now, you never know what joy the future has in store for you.

[Just a Guy]

Hi 4g, any up dates? How are you holding up? Do you have anybody with you for moral support? Do let us know how things are with you. Warm wishes.

[4givrnt4gtr]

Thank you all for your support!

Its been a crazy month since the last time I wrote. After I posted Intook a bit of time to think. The reality is that we’ve been trying to have a baby since 2015 and we had never been as close a we were there. I also agree, as someone else said, that my husband is a bit lost and priorities are confusing. However, I tend to be a person that omce Im on the road to something I cant easily stop and deviate.

Later that day my husband emailed me a very heartfelt email about the reason he had to take the job. He told me he had been very depressed and miserable without a job for so long and had tried to hide it from me to not put more burden than I already had. He said this job gave him some confidence and a sense of purpose again. He also said he would support me in any decision I made about the baby and if him being gone caused me so much grief then he would be willing to come back. After talking a bit more we decided to go ahead with the transfer. He decided to come to be present at the transfer and we both got very emotional at the end

 

Ofcourse, the treatment worked. I am newly pregnant with possible twins. Although scary both our families are supportive and I know we will

make it work. Understanding his decision made a whole world of difference for me. I no longer fear that he wants to leave, and he has made a lot of effort to showe he is still very invested in us. He will continue to work and then play it by ear when the time for the birth gets closer. So I guess its been a good ending despite it all

[Just a Guy]

Hi 4g, great news! Congratulations and I do hope you have a safe pregnancy and a normal delivery. The best of luck to both of you.

[merrmeade]

Well, you got what you wanted and your husband came through in many ways. You must be very relieved and happy. Congratulations.

 

However, I would like to point out a couple of issues that are still not resolved in your marriage. It seems to me the time to fix communication problems is when there's not a lot at stake and people aren't emotionally threatened.

 

What I see is that you just take your husband's position at face value from what he says. You don't (as far as it sounds from how you reported it) make sure you know WHY he's doing and saying things. It didn't make sense to me probably because it didn't make sense to you. It took me three posts to understand that his position was actually quite viable because you hadn't said he didn't have a job. Once you explained that, everything about his timing made more sense. One spouse not having a job is usually a very big deal. Don't you all need for both of you to be working?

 

But it's also clear that you didn't explain all that because you were so obsessed - understandably - with the possible loss of all you'd worked for.

 

So I wonder how clear you both were in explaining what you needed.

 

This might be the time for some marriage counseling, along with parenting classes. Good luck.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Merrmeade, what you say makes sense. Apparently, neither of them were able to sus out each other's deep needs and therefore ignored them. As a man I can empathize with the husband feeling depressed and unworthy because he did not have meaningful employment. As such his enthusiasm in embracing this opportunity for full time employment is understandable. It is also a job that he likes and finds fulfilling. On the other hand, it is understandable that the OP, who seems to have fertility/ problems conceiving has this great desire for making a success of her IVF program. She has invested a lot of herself into it both physically and emotionally. One can say that both of them are justified in their views of their positions. However, this has created a big chasm between them and now that there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel, they need to address this problem, later if not sooner, otherwise it will become the elephant in the room in their relationship going forward.

 

So, yes both counselling and patenting sessions are needed. The only point is when? Now may not ne the best time as for one thing, they are separated because of their jobs and for another, both are quite involved in their jobs right now. I think that when the OP is able to finish her contract and move back to be with her husband, that the time would be right for such counselling. More than anything else it all depends on how deeply invested both of them are in each other and in their relationship. Warm wishes.