inmyownworld Posted January 9, 2018 Share Posted January 9, 2018 I dated my bf (now ex) for 3 years during which time, he constantly would "joke" in a negative way towards me. He would take personal things I told him and turn them into "jokes". I talked to him about it several times over the years and he would try to cut back. He has cut back, but still not to a tolerable level. It's pretty much still constant when I see him. Sometimes he says he doesn't even realize he's doing it or doesn't "remember" saying it. Now I've broken up with him and we didn't talk for 3 weeks. He has now contacted me, says he realizes he has been emotionally abusing me. He says he can stop and wants me back. I really don't know why he does it in the first place. What is the probablity that he can actually stop doing it? I want to give him another chance but I don't know if my heart can take it. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 9, 2018 Share Posted January 9, 2018 I believe in second chances but if your BF couldn't control himself for 3 years, I have no reason to believe he's reformed after 3 weeks. Give it a shot or you will always regret it but when he makes the next joke, that has to be his last. You need to be well & done by then because he will have burned his last chance. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 9, 2018 Share Posted January 9, 2018 The problem you have is there is no explanation as to why he felt he needed to emotionally abuse you? Unless that is addressed, then he may no longer make those "jokes" but will likely find other ways to put you down and abuse you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted January 9, 2018 Share Posted January 9, 2018 He couldn't stop in 3 years but can now stop after 3 weeks? There was no self-awareness in all that time but now that he doesn't have you, he's seen the light? I find that hard to believe. Chances are he's feeding you words to rope you back in again. If someone has it in them to emotionally abuse someone, chances are there is more of where that came from. You can give him another chance, but observe and stay grounded. The first sign of bad behavior, walk away. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author inmyownworld Posted January 9, 2018 Author Share Posted January 9, 2018 The problem you have is there is no explanation as to why he felt he needed to emotionally abuse you? Unless that is addressed, then he may no longer make those "jokes" but will likely find other ways to put you down and abuse you. He said they are just jokes and they don't mean anything. I don't really get why he thinks that way. He said that when people make jokes about him, it doesn't bother him, so he doesn't think it should bother other people? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 9, 2018 Share Posted January 9, 2018 The fact that jokes at his expense don't bother him isn't the point. You have repeatedly told him that his jokes bother you yet he continues to ignore your feelings & makes jokes that upset you. I like to joke around too. I have been known to tell an insensitive joke or two. However, if somebody tells me that my jokes upset them, I never make another joke like that & immediately apologize. The on going nature of your BF's insensitivity is the problem here. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 9, 2018 Share Posted January 9, 2018 He said they are just jokes and they don't mean anything. I don't really get why he thinks that way. He said that when people make jokes about him, it doesn't bother him, so he doesn't think it should bother other people? And let me guess.....he accuses you of being "too sensitive." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted January 9, 2018 Share Posted January 9, 2018 He said they are just jokes and they don't mean anything. I don't really get why he thinks that way. He said that when people make jokes about him, it doesn't bother him, so he doesn't think it should bother other people? It may not mean anything to him but when you love someone and they tell you that something that they're doing is hurting you, they make a conscious effort to protect your feelings. They don't keep hurting you over a span of 3 years. I think your boyfriend lacks empathy -- the inability to understand or share the feelings of others. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 9, 2018 Share Posted January 9, 2018 How old is your bf? Are we talking 18 and he is a bit immature and needs to grow up a bit and start to consider other people's feelings or is he 48 and it is just who he is...? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author inmyownworld Posted January 9, 2018 Author Share Posted January 9, 2018 How old is your bf? Are we talking 18 and he is a bit immature and needs to grow up a bit and start to consider other people's feelings or is he 48 and it is just who he is...? He's 38 . He told me he talked to his friends about it. They told him "that's just you and you don't mean it". Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 9, 2018 Share Posted January 9, 2018 At 38 you have to assume the jokes will never stop. It may be "just how he is." That doesn't mean you have to accept it. He's not going to change so you are probably better off walking away. You can't stay & allow him to hurt you over & over & over again. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author inmyownworld Posted January 9, 2018 Author Share Posted January 9, 2018 It may not mean anything to him but when you love someone and they tell you that something that they're doing is hurting you, they make a conscious effort to protect your feelings. They don't keep hurting you over a span of 3 years. I think your boyfriend lacks empathy -- the inability to understand or share the feelings of others. Yes, I have told him this before. He would make jokes when I was sick . When I talked to him about it, he said he could see not liking jokes when I'm sick. He did get better about that. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted January 9, 2018 Share Posted January 9, 2018 Yes, I have told him this before. He would make jokes when I was sick . When I talked to him about it, he said he could see not liking jokes when I'm sick. He did get better about that. What kind of jokes did he used to make when you were sick? Link to post Share on other sites
Author inmyownworld Posted January 9, 2018 Author Share Posted January 9, 2018 And let me guess.....he accuses you of being "too sensitive." Oddly, I am actually not that sensitive and he has said that, but unfortunately it has contributed to the problem. I would go months without saying anything, then I would bring it up. I should have said more, more often. Link to post Share on other sites
Author inmyownworld Posted January 9, 2018 Author Share Posted January 9, 2018 What kind of jokes did he used to make when you were sick? If I said I was sick, he would always say "that sucks cause I know somehow it's my fault lol". I don't even know why he said it cause I never blamed him for it ever. I asked why he would say that and he said it was just a joke. He said he know I wasn't blaming him, but that it was funny. Any idea why someone would say that? It still has me stumped. Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted January 9, 2018 Share Posted January 9, 2018 does he joke about other people too? and also, when did he first start on you? he must have been nicer to you when you first met or you would have dropped him sooner, no? Link to post Share on other sites
Author inmyownworld Posted January 9, 2018 Author Share Posted January 9, 2018 does he joke about other people too? and also, when did he first start on you? he must have been nicer to you when you first met or you would have dropped him sooner, no? Yes, he jokes about everyone. Sometimes, they get mad, sometimes they don't. Probably about 3 months in, maybe 2. But it was lighthearted teasing at first and I didn't think much of it. It started getting more "personal" and harsh later. Link to post Share on other sites
Purepony Posted January 9, 2018 Share Posted January 9, 2018 How old are you ? Because you already invested 3 years into this I believe in second chances and I think it’s possivle maybe he felt the pressure when you left and that could have triggered a change. Why don’t you give him a chance but don’t officially get back together right away.... he should wine you and dine you all over again if he really is a changed person. Link to post Share on other sites
Author inmyownworld Posted January 9, 2018 Author Share Posted January 9, 2018 How old are you ? Because you already invested 3 years into this I believe in second chances and I think it’s possivle maybe he felt the pressure when you left and that could have triggered a change. Why don’t you give him a chance but don’t officially get back together right away.... he should wine you and dine you all over again if he really is a changed person. I'm 40. He says he loves me, so I'm trying to figure out how you love someone but constantly hurt them? Does he really love me? I know, I'm trying to weigh the time invested versus maybe it's just time to let go. I just don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted January 9, 2018 Share Posted January 9, 2018 I'm 40. He says he loves me, so I'm trying to figure out how you love someone but constantly hurt them? Does he really love me? I know, I'm trying to weigh the time invested versus maybe it's just time to let go. I just don't know. This should not even be an option in your mind. Time invested in a relationship that has been hurtful does not give one justification to stay in it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted January 9, 2018 Share Posted January 9, 2018 OP, can you give some other examples of the types of jokes he made at your expense? (As an isolated example, the sick one doesn't seem so terrible, but that's ignoring the context of all the other digs.) Is his apology getting you to reconsider the breakup? Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted January 9, 2018 Share Posted January 9, 2018 Yes, he jokes about everyone. Sometimes, they get mad, sometimes they don't. Probably about 3 months in, maybe 2. But it was lighthearted teasing at first and I didn't think much of it. It started getting more "personal" and harsh later. he jokes at others, so that is who he is and once the best behaviour early stage of your relationship fell away, you started to see him in entirety so if he stops joking at you, who is he then? for that is who you will have if he complies with your need for less jokes Link to post Share on other sites
Purepony Posted January 9, 2018 Share Posted January 9, 2018 This should not even be an option in your mind. Time invested in a relationship that has been hurtful does not give one justification to stay in it. It is an option zahara, if it wasn’t people would leave jobseekers , relationships everyday. I think it’s posisble to change and if she invested three years she obviously liked him I just don’t think she should just jump back in and continue where they left off. He really should earn it if you ask me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author inmyownworld Posted January 9, 2018 Author Share Posted January 9, 2018 OP, can you give some other examples of the types of jokes he made at your expense? (As an isolated example, the sick one doesn't seem so terrible, but that's ignoring the context of all the other digs.) Is his apology getting you to reconsider the breakup? Well I guess the worst is the racist joke (I am not white and he is). He did it in front of his friend and it caused a mini breakup. I didn't really want to mention this, because I have a feeling what people will say. The other jokes are tamer , like when I met his mom, he said, " I talked to my mom and she was saying what a nice, sweet woman I brought home with me. I was confused because I brought you, lmao" I don't actually think it's the content that bothers me that much, so much as the amount and the repetiition. Like every time his mom says something nice about me, he says it "confuses" him. Yes, he wants me to reconsider the break up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author inmyownworld Posted January 9, 2018 Author Share Posted January 9, 2018 he jokes at others, so that is who he is and once the best behaviour early stage of your relationship fell away, you started to see him in entirety so if he stops joking at you, who is he then? for that is who you will have if he complies with your need for less jokes What do you mean, who is he then? A person has to be more than just jokes? Link to post Share on other sites
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