Bad guy now suffering

[capsicumspray]

It's been 8 months since I broke up with my ex girlfriend. I don't know why, but I just can't get over her.

 

After reading the stories of people here, mine pales in comparison. The reason we broke up was completely my fault. I met this girl 10 years ago and we stayed in touch. She chased me but I friendzoned her. She is a few years younger than me, and at that time, she was 15 and that was a no go area for me.

 

A year ago we started dating and it was quite special. She's not my usual type, yet the chemistry was amazing. Then, I screwed it up. To date each other, we both broke up with the people we were with at the time. Hers was quite traumatic. And when she discovered I told mine that we needed space rather than outright breakup, she caught me double dating. I thought I was so smart that I could ease out of a relationship without a sudden breakup but the result was I double dated. She walked away.

 

I realize what I did was the sort of jackass stuff that leaves people traumatized. To make it worse, I hurt 2 people. Especially after reading the stories of people here, I can't imagine just how much I hurt both of them.

 

At that time, I really thought that girl was the one I was going to marry. I tried everything to recover the relationship, I think my neediness ended up driving her away even more. Now she's happily moved on and living her own life.

 

The question I'd really like some help with is Why can't I get over her? I know 8 months isn't that long, but the fact that it still hurts so much when I hear from mutual friends about her. A part of me is hoping if I change and achieve my goals in life, somehow a different me will be able to re attract her back into my life. I know its not likely, but it helps me to cope.

 

It's karma that I'm feeling this way. I don't know what sort of advice I should be asking. I know I deserve it but it still hurts all the time. Once the negativity starts in my mind, it consumes me. If anything is going through something like this, please say hi. Even if you want to say "you had it coming". please do. There's not many people in my life I can talk to about this so I'm really hoping here we can all work our way to being happy again.

[Gr8fuln2020]

It's been 8 months since I broke up with my ex girlfriend. I don't know why, but I just can't get over her.

 

After reading the stories of people here, mine pales in comparison. The reason we broke up was completely my fault. I met this girl 10 years ago and we stayed in touch. She chased me but I friendzoned her. She is a few years younger than me, and at that time, she was 15 and that was a no go area for me.

 

A year ago we started dating and it was quite special. She's not my usual type, yet the chemistry was amazing. Then, I screwed it up. To date each other, we both broke up with the people we were with at the time. Hers was quite traumatic. And when she discovered I told mine that we needed space rather than outright breakup, she caught me double dating. I thought I was so smart that I could ease out of a relationship without a sudden breakup but the result was I double dated. She walked away.

 

I realize what I did was the sort of jackass stuff that leaves people traumatized. To make it worse, I hurt 2 people. Especially after reading the stories of people here, I can't imagine just how much I hurt both of them.

 

At that time, I really thought that girl was the one I was going to marry. I tried everything to recover the relationship, I think my neediness ended up driving her away even more. Now she's happily moved on and living her own life.

 

The question I'd really like some help with is Why can't I get over her? I know 8 months isn't that long, but the fact that it still hurts so much when I hear from mutual friends about her. A part of me is hoping if I change and achieve my goals in life, somehow a different me will be able to re attract her back into my life. I know its not likely, but it helps me to cope.

 

It's karma that I'm feeling this way. I don't know what sort of advice I should be asking. I know I deserve it but it still hurts all the time. Once the negativity starts in my mind, it consumes me. If anything is going through something like this, please say hi. Even if you want to say "you had it coming". please do. There's not many people in my life I can talk to about this so I'm really hoping here we can all work our way to being happy again.

 

There is a very good reason why you did what you did! You didn't not see a future with this girl. Thing about it. Be objective. You didn't think she was the one. Your approach to moving on was crappy, but it happened. YOU ARE FEELING GUILTY ABOUT BEING A JERK! I seriously doubt it's because you have some inexplicable, loving feelings for her. You are feeling guilty.

 

Is this karma, whatever, perhaps. What you need to deal with is how you can find a way to apologize or if that opportunity does not exist, move on and don't do that crap again. Eventually forgive yourself and don't try to create something that never existed. It isn't fair to you and not the person in question.

[igotoverit]

I did the same thing as far as thought if I changed my goals and achieved them, then he would come back and only that part is the same. The problem with that is you don't actually move on, you hold on, and in my case this guy didn't come back. I thought I was doing okay but then realizing he wasn't ever coming back, I fell down to ground zero again and I am starting all over with no progress. I would hate for that to happen to you.

[browzer]

Because she's the one that got away.

 

You're overglamorizing the relatinship and making more out of it than it was.

 

You're putting her on a pedestal and seeing only the good and none of the flaws.

 

It didn't last long enough to become routine and blah.

 

That's all I got, hope it helps even if it's not true.

[Origin]

I cant comment really until you answer me this. Did you cheat on her with your original gf(physical, emotional)?

You said "she caught me double dating". What did you mean by that because if you stayed away from the original gf, it shouldn't matter how you broke up(you said "To date each other, we both broke up with the people we were with at the time").

[Flove]

I think if you did what you did, you couldn't have loved this girl that much. She might be the one that got away, which is why you long for this girl so much.

 

Then again maybe you do love her this much. Then I wonder have you ever tried making things right? Apologizing and explain your feelings? However if you know you won't treat her right I would just stay away.

 

As for mutual friends talking about her, I would avoid mutual friends if it hurts. At least for a bit. It can help you get over it.

[elaine567]

I tried everything to recover the relationship, I think my neediness ended up driving her away even more.

 

Your neediness didn't drive her away, the "double dating" drove her away.

Once a dating "crime" is committed and a person decides to walk, nothing will get them back.

Rarely are there second chances, because dating is basically a test of compatibility and when a partner is found lacking in any way, it is all over.

You learned the hard way, but you just need to accept it wasn't meant to be and treat the next girl way better.

[capsicumspray]

simpleNfit: Yes. There is a lot of guilt in here. My actions and what I felt don't match up. Maybe you are right, but the only thing I can do is to keep on working on becomming the best me. If our paths ever cross again I'll be ready. Otherwise the next girl will be the luckiest and happiest person in the world.

 

igotoverit: I know how you feel. I ran into a dangerous hole where post-breakup I changed my own goals because I thought she'd appreciate the change. I hiked up to the Everest Base Camp a few months ago mostly to show off to her (she mentioned she wanted to it one day). When I tried to reach out and tell her how much I wish she were here with me, it fell flat and it was probably the lowest moment of my life.

 

It's stupid and superficial to do something for that reason but at the time, it felt right and gave me hope. The last few weeks I've been doing a lot of meditation work which has stabilized my mind a lot. I had some crazy ambitious goals in life, and now i'm going to dedicate myself to them. I may not have the girl, but I'm not going to let that stop me from achieving my dreams.

 

Unfortunately this sort of change takes time. I wish the hurt would go away, but I've resigned to the fact that there will always be episodes every day where it just hurts.

 

Let's see a some time down the road if we've successfully become stronger and better people we hope to be.

 

Origin: Yes. She looked at my phone one morning and went to my fb. Saw that I had talked to my ex and the content unraveled the lies I told. Small lies in the beginning became bigger lies. It's horrible what I did and I know I hurt her very deeply. I wish I can fix things, but that's not how these things work. It really should be that I stay away from her and let her heal. I can't help fantasize about the day when I can get make amends and fill her life with happiness and love. It's highly highly unlikely, but I really hope this is not the end.

 

Browzer, Flove, and Elaine: It's true after time memories get distorted. But reading my own diary from that time, it was clear she was the one. My actions are really messed up and speak otherwise. I don't know if she'll ever look at me again, but all I can do is become the best I can be. The work i spent on myself to stop the lying to others and myself is having an effect. It's sad that it's making me hopefully a better person but the person who matters won't care. Oh the irony

[Gr8fuln2020]

simpleNfit: Yes. There is a lot of guilt in here. My actions and what I felt don't match up. Maybe you are right, but the only thing I can do is to keep on working on becomming the best me. If our paths ever cross again I'll be ready. Otherwise the next girl will be the luckiest and happiest person in the world.

 

 

Yes. No other option really.