Oliviasmith24 Posted January 9, 2018 Share Posted January 9, 2018 I always used to laugh at people who get married at such a young age but now that I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a year and we “talked” for a year before that, I suddenly feel like we have to start moving towards getting married. I love my boyfriend and want to be with him forever but I hate feeling like we’re just racing towards the finish line. I would like to have kids relatively young but at 21 years old I feel like I’m in way over my head. Can someone give me some advice about this? I think seeing my peers getting engaged is what is fueling this. Link to post Share on other sites
BarbedFenceRider Posted January 9, 2018 Share Posted January 9, 2018 NOPE!!! Your too young. IMO. For conversation sakes, I will tell you that I dated my wife for 7 years! lol Then I proposed. I waffled a long time I know...But God above has plans for all of us I suppose. And I married at the ripe ole' age of 30! And for arguments sake...No, I did NOT live with her during the 7 years. I hated room mates in general and did not take dating serious enough back then to allow someone access to my living arrangements. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sdraw108 Posted January 9, 2018 Share Posted January 9, 2018 I suddenly feel like we have to start moving towards getting married. You should clarify what you mean by this. Is it literally just a sudden "feeling" (i.e. in your own mind), or are you being pressured by your boyfriend, or some third party? Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted January 9, 2018 Share Posted January 9, 2018 My wife and I married very young, and although we survived them, those first few years were pretty tough; we essentially had to grow up together and I wouldn't recommend ours as being an ideal path to follow. But it sounds like all the pressure is coming from within. Relax. There's plenty of time. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted January 9, 2018 Share Posted January 9, 2018 (edited) Don't do it. I married young because of religious and parental pressure. It was one of the worst mistakes of my life. If you're not ready for it, don't do it. I say that knowing that others around me married for the same reasons and are still married. Some even younger than I was. Still, I think it is a personal decision. I knew I was too immature and not ready for marriage. You have to do what is right for you. If you're not ready, don't do it. Edited January 9, 2018 by MidKnightDreams 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 9, 2018 Share Posted January 9, 2018 You should do what feels right for you. The other people may have opinions, but they aren't the ones who will have to pick up the pieces of your life when everything shatters. Personally I didn't feel ready all the way up till 30. But that's just me, everyone is different. I do think though that the younger you marry, the greater the risk that you will grow apart in your transitory years (especially 20s) and end up with someone fundamentally incompatible. Of course you may also grow together instead of apart, which some couples do, but I wouldn't bet on your odds. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 9, 2018 Share Posted January 9, 2018 If he hasn't proposed don't sweat it. Where is the pressure coming from? Tell anybody who is pressuring you to stop that you will get married in your own time, when you are ready. Casually mention to your BF that you think 21 is too young to be married. Ask him what he thinks a good age for marriage is. Talk about the subject but do not get married on somebody else's time line. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted January 9, 2018 Share Posted January 9, 2018 21 is awfully young to feel pressured into marriage. You said many of your friends are engaged - what stage of life are they in? Do they have their educations completed? Careers underway? Are they living as independent adults? I think the first step to considering marriage is making sure you are living as a "grown up". Are you and your BF independent of your parents? Pay your own bills, manage your own money, live independently (with roomates etc)? Second step - a strong, stable mature relationship. As a couple do you have excellent communication and conflict resolution skills? Are you two compatible? Do you share the same values when it comes to money, family planning, gender roles, sex etc? I see that within the last 6 months you have started the following threads: "I am worried my BF will leave me for his ex girlfriend""Why did my boyfriend just start being controlling?""Why do I break up with my boyfriend every time I'm upset with him" These are NOT signs of a mature, stable relationship that has a good chance of harmoniously standing the test of time. Who cares if your friends are making the often very foolish choice of marrying young. FYI young marriages have lower success rates - the largest chunk of divorces occurs between 20-24. Here are some statistics: https://www.bls.gov/opub/mlr/2013/article/marriage-and-divorce-patterns-by-gender-race-and-educational-attainment.htm 58.5% of marriages that begin before 22 end in divorce (vs. 36% of those who wait till 29). Now that said, of course not all young marriages end in disaster. You just have to be sure that your particular partnership has what it takes to be among the 40% that make the distance. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 9, 2018 Share Posted January 9, 2018 I think the only reason to get married so young is if you're adamant about saving sex for marriage. Not that it's a GOOD reason, but it's a reason. This was precisely the reason I got married at 23 and my ex-H was 21. We were not ready for marriage, maturity wise, I don't think. Our young ages are not the reason we got divorced 14 years later, but still, we were too young and there's a good chance we would not have ended up married if we'd just waited and dated longer. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 9, 2018 Share Posted January 9, 2018 Don't do it. You are too young and neither you or your boyfriend are established in your lives or ready to get married. Looking back at your past posting history, you have many issues to resolve with this relationship before you should ever, if ever, consider marrying this man... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 9, 2018 Share Posted January 9, 2018 I see that within the last 6 months you have started the following threads: "I am worried my BF will leave me for his ex girlfriend""Why did my boyfriend just start being controlling?""Why do I break up with my boyfriend every time I'm upset with him" These are NOT signs of a mature, stable relationship that has a good chance of harmoniously standing the test of time. [/Quote] This. Definitely. Is part of the reason why you are feeling pressured to marry actually just an attempt to decrease your anxiety and hold onto this relationship? Because, there shouldn't be very much pressure to marry at 21 years old. That is really young. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Oliviasmith24 Posted January 10, 2018 Author Share Posted January 10, 2018 Seeing peers and friends get engaged at this age is what fuels the anxiety.. nothing else Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 Seeing peers and friends get engaged at this age is what fuels the anxiety.. nothing else Why would it affect you? Few of my college friends married that age to their college or high school sweethearts and they are happy (we're 33 now - all except one haven't divorced). BUT it did affect their education/career - they were strapped with babies and toddlers in their prime years. I guess the love in your age is more pure than in any other time - if that's what motivates you to marry - do it, you'd never have the same feelings again once old&cynic. But if it is not that and it's pure peer pressure - take your time - no reason to rush. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 Your peers are making a big mistake. You are at the age when you should be free to explore and follow your dreams, not get saddled up with kids. Once you do that, your life is no longer your own. Do not fall into this trap. Your friends will regret it soon enough. Be prepared for some of them to leave you behind as they lose all their leisure time and freedom. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RSCoach Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 (edited) Well, to start with, there are people who got married at 18 and stayed married their whole life while some who got married at 30 and got divorced 5 years later, so the age of its own is NOT the issue here. This issue that I'm seeing here is that you don't seem totally emotionally ready/matured at the moment based on what you're saying and based on my years of coaching people. Maybe wait a couple of years to see if your feelings for him are still the same, and if so, then go ahead and marry him them. Edited January 17, 2018 by RSCoach 4 Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted January 23, 2018 Share Posted January 23, 2018 My parents got married aged 19 and 20, and they're still together and happy 51years later, so it can last. That said with the problems you've been having in your relationship, it would be foolish to go there right now. There is also a lot to gain from a long engagement, my husband and I were engaged for 5 years before we got married. So we were both fully aware of what we were getting into by the time we eventually tied the knot. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 6, 2018 Share Posted March 6, 2018 I married at this age. I don't think it's too young if both people are mature and want it and aren't getting married under pressure (i.e. pregnant, broke, military, etc). Although we are divorced now, do I think we married too young? Not really. The problems we had would have been there despite our age. We are both still the same people and I'm pretty sure, if our meeting had been delayed 10 years, we still would have ended up married because we were that drawn to each other, and divorced because we were that incompatible in personality. Link to post Share on other sites
CardsFan01 Posted March 6, 2018 Share Posted March 6, 2018 Marriage is tough and it can not work out regardless of what age you get married. That said, I know a lot of people who married early, that ended up with some real issues, regretting what they might have missed out on. I got married at 26 and think that was perfect for me. I was able to have my fun in college and early professional years. And I was able to still have kids early enough that I’m not an old parent. Every situation is different, but I would advise my kids against getting married that young. I just think having more life experience as an adult is very important before making that commitment. Link to post Share on other sites
heavenonearth Posted March 11, 2018 Share Posted March 11, 2018 What makes you think you need to get married after a year of dating? That's ridiculous. I will be dating my boyfriend for a year in May, and I definitely do not want to get married to him now. I am 31 and he is 38. We probably will start talking about moving in together in a year or two. Look -- you are young. You think life is all that at 21, you think you've 'arrived' somewhere. But you haven't. This is just the beginning. And your boyfriend??? Well, trust me, there will be about 3 more of them before you find the one you may want to get married to one day. Enjoy the time you have. Don't pressure yourself or anyone else, don't let anyone pressure you. This is not the time! Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 11, 2018 Share Posted March 11, 2018 You should clarify what you mean by this. Is it literally just a sudden "feeling" (i.e. in your own mind), or are you being pressured by your boyfriend, or some third party? I agree. Who is pressuring you OP to get married at 21? Link to post Share on other sites
HiCrunchy Posted March 12, 2018 Share Posted March 12, 2018 Getting married young I don't think is the issue, but rather that your relationship doesn't seem stable or mature enough to handle the rocky ride that is marriage. I think you should really reconsider this idea. Link to post Share on other sites
HiCrunchy Posted March 14, 2018 Share Posted March 14, 2018 Double posting. Link to post Share on other sites
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