Does sex REALLY stop after marriage? THIS is how many married women want regular sex.

[Els]

My list of reasons why I do not have kids is long. And being able to have sex in the living room is on it! And sex in the car, and sex on lazy Sunday mornings in bed. So on and so forth.

 

Today being a weekday, we had "quick sex" before dinner. I looked at the time before we started and after we were done (including post-coital fun/aftercare) = 1 hr 15 minutes, lol. That would so not have been possible if we'd had kids...

 

I have no idea how we're going to make life with kids work if we do have them.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Today being a weekday, we had "quick sex" before dinner. I looked at the time before we started and after we were done (including post-coital fun/aftercare) = 1 hr 15 minutes, lol. That would so not have been possible if we'd had kids...

 

I have no idea how we're going to make life with kids work if we do have them.

 

Haha, nope!

[ICEMAN69]

The sex was as awesome after marriage with my ex-wife! Your marital status should not have any bearing on your sex life.

 

Well, as you state, it shouldn't have any bearing but the fact is that it does. Over and over throughout the years I've either read it, heard it, and we've all seen the subject posted at L/S many times that women (in general) are prone to much more sexual activity during dating, courtship, previous to marriage, and perhaps in the early stages of marriage, only to retire from most or all sexual activity at some point later in the marriage.

 

In some cases I believe it's absolute pre-meditated fakery that these females present themselves as having strong libidos in order to sell their future spouses into the broader agenda which is to settle down, obtain security, marry, or perhaps to have children. In other cases I think it's a case of women who did have an authentically high libido only to have it wane for one reason or another . . perhaps career takes precedent, kids happen, hormonal shifts and changes, etc, and things that many women view as outside of their control.

 

Generally speaking, I don't happen to believe anyone's libido is completely outside of their control however. In general we are the human product of what we think about. Men think about sex far more than women which is why we are driven toward sexual union far more often. Women (in general) don't think about sex nearly as often which is why they often aren't driven toward sexual fulfillment.

 

So the cure seems rather obvious to me. We need to subliminally find a way to subconsciously get women on a global scale to think about sex more often so they're more like us!

[ICEMAN69]

It's not that she doesn't have a libido. It's that the passion dies, you start feeling taken for granted and disrespected and lose your passion for a person. Also, children happen, and they're sex killers for sure.

 

That works both ways by the way.

 

Kids can be "sex killers" but I also believe that two people devoted to the idea of regular healthy sexual union can keep the flame burning, even with kids. I had no problem finding time with my ex for sex when we had little kids or kids who became busy with activities. But much of that was due to her maintaining a strong healthy libido throughout our marriage.

[ICEMAN69]

Kids aren't much of a barrier to a healthy married sex life if you don't want it to be. I mean, having kids probably rules out banging on the kitchen table in the afternoon. Screaming is probably out as well, but there's plenty of sex (and kids) in Casa Gorilla.

 

Absolutely agree!

[heartbrokenlady]

women (in general) are prone to much more sexual activity during dating, courtship, previous to marriage

 

 

 

it's absolute pre-meditated fakery that these females present themselves

 

 

 

so they're more like us!

 

 

1 So don’t get married then. Shouldn’t be too hard to avoid it given the way you talk about women.

 

2 See point 1.

 

3 No thanks. If this attitude is what to want us to take on, I think we’re better off unreconstructed with no libido.

[ICEMAN69]

Today being a weekday, we had "quick sex" before dinner. I looked at the time before we started and after we were done (including post-coital fun/aftercare) = 1 hr 15 minutes, lol. That would so not have been possible if we'd had kids...

 

I have no idea how we're going to make life with kids work if we do have them.

 

I'll offer is this. Kids will definitely make you have to plan your sex life more strategically. It can be done however. Some of the spontaneity is removed but as long as you're both committed to pleasing one another sexually and you keep that at the top of both of your "how to please one another" lists, you can still maintain a very healthy sex life.

[ICEMAN69]

1 So don’t get married then. Shouldn’t be too hard to avoid it given the way you talk about women.

 

2 See point 1.

 

3 No thanks. If this attitude is what to want us to take on, I think we’re better off unreconstructed with no libido.

 

Heartbroken, I'm not sure what you mean by the way I "talk about women." Observations and constructive discussion doesn't make me a misogynist. I'm just the opposite actually. But are we supposed to avoid candid open dialogue at L/S because someone might "interpret" something offensive? I've openly blamed men for many things, so I'm pretty much an equal opportunity blamer as it applies to both sexes, depending of course on the subject matter.

 

When you say, "don't get married then" that sounds very simplistic if we're able to look back and undo our choices with relative ease.

 

I think most men who do get married and find they have a partner who checked out sexually will tell you they'd definitely rethink getting married, but the problem is they don't always know what they're getting "long term" at the time they took their vows. And by the way, the same can be said of women who don't always know what they're getting into with men who are lazy, don't help them with house chores, etc . . . but the original subject of this posting was how 52% of women prefer no sex four years after marriage, so please don't read anything offensive into my posts.

 

Here's the bottom line though. If we could view our marriages 10-20-30 years into the future and get a starkly realistic glimpse of what our spouses values and interests would be, and how they'd differ from the present spouse you intend to marry, wouldn't it change people's minds about marrying in many cases?

[Els]

Well, as you state, it shouldn't have any bearing but the fact is that it does. Over and over throughout the years I've either read it, heard it, and we've all seen the subject posted at L/S many times that women (in general) are prone to much more sexual activity during dating, courtship, previous to marriage, and perhaps in the early stages of marriage, only to retire from most or all sexual activity at some point later in the marriage.

 

This would be a very bizarre and stupid thing to do. TBH the vast majority of marriage-minded (or de-facto-minded or civil-union-minded or any such legally-recognized LTR) men tend to pick spouses based on MANY other criteria beyond just "lots of sex". Even if a woman was to feel up to committing such "pre-meditated fakery", if she's leading with just "lots of sex" chances are the men she hooks won't be good LTR partners anyway. You get the fish you set out bait for and all that.

 

 

Generally speaking, I don't happen to believe anyone's libido is completely outside of their control however. In general we are the human product of what we think about. Men think about sex far more than women which is why we are driven toward sexual union far more often. Women (in general) don't think about sex nearly as often which is why they often aren't driven toward sexual fulfillment.

 

So the cure seems rather obvious to me. We need to subliminally find a way to subconsciously get women on a global scale to think about sex more often so they're more like us!

So get them to think about sex! There are lots of things that you can do to spark desire in a partner, really (assuming an otherwise healthy marriage and the partner is willing to try with you). Flirt with them outside the bedroom. Take them out on hot dates and sneak in little bits of playful intimacy throughout. When you have sex, make sure you prioritize their pleasure and have them screaming with theirs before you take yours (see "She Comes First", quite a good book!).

 

We are getting married this year, but we've been de facto partners for 5 years, which is legally recognized in our country as equivalent to marriage (legal benefits and separation clauses apply equally to both). Sex has never gone down in our relationship after any "deals were sealed", and we each initiate half the time (oftentimes together!). I firmly believe that all of the above advice I am giving you was essential to our sex life surviving that terrible 4-year slump that you are mentioning. More than surviving - but thriving.

 

If he thought it was "up to me" to "maintain my own libido" and just did wham-bam-thank-you-mam sex with me, our sex life would be very different.

[Cobra_X]

Was reading this article published in February 2017 which covered the results of a Kinsey Sex Study. The stat that really blew me away? 48% of women still wanted regular sex after four years of marriage.

 

This one is simple. The female sex drive is designed by nature to keep a man around until the children are old enough to survive easily.

 

When she doesn't have to do anything to keep you around, then naturally low libido women stop wanting sex. Some women have higher sex drives... I believe this is due to higher testosterone levels, but I can't remember the research article for sure.

 

Go through and read people's stories on this website. You will consistently find that when a man is ready to leave a relationship, the woman responds with lots of sex. Many women on here will report not even understanding why they suddenly find the guy attractive again.

 

I wonder what the husbands of the 52% are doing to make their wives not want sex. Or what they're not doing to make them want it.

 

The biggest culprit is likely "nice guy" syndrome. It makes the husband not very edgy or exciting and he basically becomes a roommate.

[dichotomy]

Deleted - 10 characters

Edited January 12, 2018 by dichotomy

[BluEyeL]

Well i didnt read the entire thread but read a couple of books about this and it seems that a lot of men stop having sex after marriage too and it’s somewhat of a myth that only women do this. The issues men have is also under reported because less men want to admit it.

 

I also personally know two women who have this problem at home. It makes sense that men and women have the same types of hang ups , after all we are all human.

 

Personally, I’m at my second marriage. I’m not terribly sexual so I can’t speak of porn star worthy sex every time but in both marriages I wanted sex a bit more than my husband. In both cases we have/had sex once a week and I would prefer 2 or 3 times. I had my son from my first marriage and having him changed nothing except the screaming.

[ICEMAN69]

This would be a very bizarre and stupid thing to do. TBH the vast majority of marriage-minded (or de-facto-minded or civil-union-minded or any such legally-recognized LTR) men tend to pick spouses based on MANY other criteria beyond just "lots of sex". Even if a woman was to feel up to committing such "pre-meditated fakery", if she's leading with just "lots of sex" chances are the men she hooks won't be good LTR partners anyway. You get the fish you set out bait for and all that.

 

Psychology Today has a short article on this issue. In the four things men want out of marriage this 2014 article lists sex as #1 for men. And yes, of course men want other things when they pick a partner. Decent men anyway. But lets lay our cards on the table. Sexual appetite differences in marriages that progress over the years on are one of the leading causes of divorce along with finances and a couple of other things.

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-and-gratitude/201403/the-4-top-relationship-desires-men-and-women

 

So get them to think about sex! There are lots of things that you can do to spark desire in a partner, really (assuming an otherwise healthy marriage and the partner is willing to try with you). Flirt with them outside the bedroom. Take them out on hot dates and sneak in little bits of playful intimacy throughout. When you have sex, make sure you prioritize their pleasure and have them screaming with theirs before you take yours (see "She Comes First", quite a good book!).

 

Okay, that last "subliminal" comment was purely entertainment. Seemed kind of funny to me when I wrote it. I really wasn't suggesting we do a "Manchurian Candidate" number on women globally. And by the way, everything you wrote above I have always done with my wife by the way. Dates, flirting, making sure she's always satisfied first. I'm the romantic one in our relationship.

 

We are getting married this year, but we've been de facto partners for 5 years, which is legally recognized in our country as equivalent to marriage (legal benefits and separation clauses apply equally to both). Sex has never gone down in our relationship after any "deals were sealed", and we each initiate half the time (oftentimes together!). I firmly believe that all of the above advice I am giving you was essential to our sex life surviving that terrible 4-year slump that you are mentioning. More than surviving - but thriving.

 

Umm, I didn't mention the four-year slump, the article did. I just posted it because it struck me as a frightening statistic for me to consider when roughly half of all women have put up the stop sign after just four years!. And congrats on your marriage this coming year!

 

If he thought it was "up to me" to "maintain my own libido" and just did wham-bam-thank-you-mam sex with me, our sex life would be very different.

 

Libido is more complex than that I believe. With some exceptions, men have been tasked with this gender specific duty of seducing a women when they are dating and after marriage being responsible for getting her "in the mood." I have no doubt that this duty fell on men at the dawn of men and women coming together because it's clearly become the defacto method in most (not all) man-woman relationships . . . which by the way correlates with the Psychology Today article above. I believe most men will tell you that if the sex in a relationship is steady and often, with the couple desiring it regularly the rest of the relationship is often good as well. Women clearly don't put sex at the top of their list, and the Psychology Today article above has women listed as wanting "satisfying sex" at the #4 spot.

 

I agree with much of what you're saying Elswyth.

[ICEMAN69]

Well i didnt read the entire thread but read a couple of books about this and it seems that a lot of men stop having sex after marriage too and it’s somewhat of a myth that only women do this. The issues men have is also under reported because less men want to admit it.

 

I also personally know two women who have this problem at home. It makes sense that men and women have the same types of hang ups , after all we are all human.

 

Personally, I’m at my second marriage. I’m not terribly sexual so I can’t speak of porn star worthy sex every time but in both marriages I wanted sex a bit more than my husband. In both cases we have/had sex once a week and I would prefer 2 or 3 times. I had my son from my first marriage and having him changed nothing except the screaming.

 

No doubt, I also know of a couple of married women who want it more than their husbands do. I just read somewhere that married men lose interest in sex 20-30% of the time, and married women lose interest 40-50% of the time. Not sure where I saw that or what study it came from but you're right, sometimes men just lose all interest. But women statistically remain higher in this category in everything I've ever read.

[BluEyeL]

Yeah I’m not saying it’s necessary exactly equal between genders but I think it is higher than reported in men because these things are self-reported and there is more of a stigma associated with men losing interest than women.

 

Obesity, ED, health issues, aging, as well as problems in marriage and other emotional problems make many men stop having sex with their wives. It’s bad either way if the libidos are mismatched but it is not the marriage in itself that is usually the problem. Of course it is dishonest to misrepresent your sex drive before marriage but I think that would be just one symptom of incompatibility and it’s not just one gender that sometimes does that.

 

My sister has to suffer through a marriage that is almost sexless, sex 2-3/year. I have a friend who tried everything. Lost weight , begged got mad, didn’t have sex with the husband for years. Now he died of cancer but before that they had long years of no sex and she wanted to divorce him and kept postponing. So I do not like sexist assumptions, they are always wrong to make. People are people and relationships have issues.

 

Sure if you stay single, man or woman, you’ll have more sex with different partners if that’s what you want.

[No_Go]

Sure if you stay single, man or woman, you’ll have more sex with different partners if that’s what you want.

 

Yeah - more sex with different partners but CERTAINLY less sex overall. That's one of the biggest perks of marriage - having sex on demand. Every time I dated the amount of sex skyrocketed after moving in together, for the obvious reason - having to share a bed

[Eternal Sunshine]

Many women want to get married because they want the wedding and it is seen like some sort of achievement by society. That's why you find them rotating FB pictures of the wedding for many years after. Many women also don't ideally get who they want. Few lucky ones do but most have had a man they loved who didn't want full commitment or were dumped and they really didn't have much of choice. Many also want children and have the pressure of time running out. This is especially true for women that marry after 30 or so.

 

So what happens is that after the wedding and after they have secured a couple of kids, they are left with the guy they were never really all that into. Sex is the first thing to go. I have come across this situation again and again with my female friends who freely admit that's the case and also random separated/divorced men I met through OLD.

[No_Go]

Many women want to get married because they want the wedding and it is seen like some sort of achievement by society. That's why you find them rotating FB pictures of the wedding for many years after. Many women also don't ideally get who they want. Few lucky ones do but most have had a man they loved who didn't want full commitment or were dumped and they really didn't have much of choice. Many also want children and have the pressure of time running out. This is especially true for women that marry after 30 or so.

 

So what happens is that after the wedding and after they have secured a couple of kids, they are left with the guy they were never really all that into. Sex is the first thing to go. I have come across this situation again and again with my female friends who freely admit that's the case and also random separated/divorced men I met through OLD.

 

Not really sure if loss of feelings leads to less sex. I hated my ex in my guts in the end of our cohabitation (which ended 3 months after the end of the relationship) and it affected everything BUT the quality/quantity of sex.

 

I bet the majority of divorced men that claim they were sexless for years make this up for new love interests to get them faster into bed.

[Woggle]

One thing should never ever do is beg women for sex or affection or love. It never works and is highly unattractive. Never became that puppy begging to be petted.

[BarbedFenceRider]

Everyone likes to feel intimate or sexy. For someone just to turn it off like water from a spigot, is baffling. The thought of women just doing the "marriage" thing like eternal said is just sad. It leaves an impression on the men whether they are honest about it or not. I get that sex can slow down or needs being fulfilled change. But honest and forthright conversation should be talked about freely in marriages. Maybe that is what is lacking these days?

[Els]

I agree with much of what you're saying Elswyth.

 

And by the way, everything you wrote above I have always done with my wife by the way. Dates, flirting, making sure she's always satisfied first. I'm the romantic one in our relationship.

 

Happy to hear that!

 

Libido is more complex than that I believe. With some exceptions, men have been tasked with this gender specific duty of seducing a women when they are dating and after marriage being responsible for getting her "in the mood." I have no doubt that this duty fell on men at the dawn of men and women coming together because it's clearly become the defacto method in most (not all) man-woman relationships . . . which by the way correlates with the Psychology Today article above. I believe most men will tell you that if the sex in a relationship is steady and often, with the couple desiring it regularly the rest of the relationship is often good as well. Women clearly don't put sex at the top of their list, and the Psychology Today article above has women listed as wanting "satisfying sex" at the #4 spot.

I have a slightly different view on this - I think the reason for much of the disparity is the "orgasm gap". If you're a fan of Psychology Today, they have an article on it that somewhat correlates with everything I've read: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stress-and-sex/201510/the-orgasm-gap-simple-truth-sexual-solutions

 

Strikingly similar statistics were found in a survey (link is external)of about 3,000 single women and men in the U.S. ranging from 18 to 65 years old. When having sex with a familiar partner, women said they have an orgasm 63% of the time; men said 85% of the time.

I mean, we hear a lot about orgasm "not being that important to women" and "emotionally connecting with their partner is more important for women" etc etc... but really, I don't think "emotional connection" alone leads to the same sort of desire and pure lust that you get when you add sexual pleasure to the mix. If you want a woman to really want sex, as opposed to just doing it "out of love", part of the solution is to give her the same incentives that a man gets by default.

 

You perceive men have been "tasked the gender-specific duty" of pleasuring their woman, but in reality the "default" perception of sex - 5-10 minutes of penetration - is inherently biased towards male pleasure. If the default was something that was much more likely to lead to female orgasm - like 30 minutes of oral/toys + penetration with as much focus on the clitoris as the penis (the G-spot is an extension of the clitoris, btw) - perhaps things might equalize of their own accord.

 

I do prioritize sex as much as the SO does... but a big part of the reason why I do, is because my orgasm gets equal priority during sex. Unfortunately, from talking to many women, this does not appear to be common practice. Frankly if I got the same kind of sex that many women talk about getting, I'd lose interest in it mighty quick. Why have sex when you can get a much better experience from masturbating? Sure, sure, you love him and all that, but that in and of itself is not enough to keep libido high through decades of being together IMO. (This does NOT apply in my relationship, just putting myself in their shoes)

Edited January 12, 2018 by Elswyth

[No_Go]

That's interesting perspective to think about.

 

However - IME I don't think orgasm in either men or women is significantly correlated with their libido. I can say for certain I can't care less if I'll get an orgasm during sex or not because if I want it - I can get it in 2 min by myself (whether alone or by focusing on grinding during PIV). Same with guys I've spoke to: if they want an orgasm it is much easier to reach with the steady grip of their own hand than with PIV.

 

I think it has more to do with hormonal changes that happen with aging and are more abrupt in females...

 

Happy to hear that!

 

I have a slightly different view on this - I think the reason for all of this is the "orgasm gap". If you're a fan of Psychology Today, they have an article on it that somewhat correlates with everything I've read: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stress-and-sex/201510/the-orgasm-gap-simple-truth-sexual-solutions

 

I mean, we hear a lot about orgasm "not being that important to women" and "emotionally connecting with their partner is more important for women" etc etc... but really, I don't think "emotional connection" alone leads to the same sort of desire and pure lust that you get when you add sexual pleasure to the mix. If you want a woman to really want sex, as opposed to just doing it "out of love", the solution is to give her the same incentives that a man gets by default.

 

You perceive men have been "tasked the gender-specific duty" of pleasuring their woman, but in reality the "default" perception of sex - 5-10 minutes of penetration - is inherently biased towards male pleasure. If the default was something that was much more likely to lead to female orgasm - like 30 minutes of oral/toys + penetration with as much focus on the clitoris as the penis (the G-spot is an extension of the clitoris, btw) - perhaps things might equalize of their own accord.

 

I do prioritize sex as much as the SO does... but a big part of the reason why I do, is because my orgasm gets equal priority during sex. Unfortunately, from talking to many women, this does not appear to be common practice.

[Els]

That's interesting perspective to think about.

 

However - IME I don't think orgasm in either men or women is significantly correlated with their libido. I can say for certain I can't care less if I'll get an orgasm during sex or not because if I want it - I can get it in 2 min by myself (whether alone or by focusing on grinding during PIV). Same with guys I've spoke to: if they want an orgasm it is much easier to reach with the steady grip of their own hand than with PIV.

 

Interesting. Do you think you would still desire sex regularly for > 4 years with the same person, if you never orgasmed during it?

 

Personally the Os I get from sex with the SO are the best ones I've ever had. THE best. The ones I get from masturbating pale in comparison to them. Emotional + mental + sexual stimulation = crazy good stuff.

 

I suspect many men would not be too chuffed about sex if they didn't orgasm from it, too!

[No_Go]

Interesting. Do you think you would still desire sex regularly for > 4 years with the same person, if you never orgasmed during it?

 

Personally the Os I get from sex with the SO are the best ones I've ever had. THE best. The ones I get from masturbating pale in comparison to them. Emotional + mental + sexual stimulation = crazy good stuff.

 

I suspect many men would not be too chuffed about sex if they didn't orgasm from it, too!

 

Well I don’t see how never could happen because it doesn’t really depend on the partner (basically I can ‘masturbate’ using their body if I need orgasm).

 

I find libido (desire for partner sex) more like an urge to dominate / win (not in a sexual sense, more like a desire to conquer another human / be wanted).

[RecentChange]

I don't think my libido has to do with domination or a want to be desired. Sometimes I just REALLY want dick.

 

I am with Ells on this one, and I know we have disagreed in the past NoGo... My partnered orgasms are exponentially better than any solo one I can give myself, just not even close.

 

And I know the same is true for my husband. Sure he can jack off and orgasm, but I can make his toes curl, I can make his eyes roll back, I can make him scream. It's way more intense, just a whole other level than what he gets from his hand.

 

For me, and us, it is important to "tend to our libidos" because I have absolutely seen them wane when we neglected them. That means lots of flirting, naughty texts, talking about sex. Date night, sexy clothes, romatic trips etc. But it's the low level flirting that makes all of that possible.

 

Honestly if sex hasn't been on my mind, and he just pounces me with no warm up, sometimes I am just not into it. But if he texts me earlier in the day, starts my engine, I am pouncing him when I get home.