Terrified

[lost62]

I am new here and reading all I can.

I hope its ok to share my story. I will do so in as few words as possible. I am not sure why I am writing as there is no answer.

I am a 56 year old male in so/so health. I have been married 21 years and due to extreme mental and physical abuse as a child I had no idea that I was in a bad marriage as an adult until a year ago. I had somewhat of an epiphany. I realized that her abusive words followed by kind deeds were being accepted by me because of my childhood. She is very beautiful, speaks 7 languages etc etc. an A type and I am more laid back trying to keep things together.

I was made to believe that I was not good enough. I always thought if I tried harder I could gain her acceptance. I was wrong. Her poisonous words are only meant to control me. To keep me in my place.

Early last year I started calmly standing up for myself. That lead to six months of not talking to each other and talk of a divorce. She insists she does not want one, love me and I must do it. At one point to break me she took out a restraining order full of lies. I know everyone says its not true but this was totally fake and she admitted to it later to me. The restraining order caused me to lose my job that I loved.

We tried to patch things up but they feel apart a week ago. She does not have the capacity to see that her words are abusive and not based in fact. I have tried to get her to understand. Therapy is of no help, her vanity has built a wall. She truly feels she has done nothing wrong and is a victim to a weak man.

Anyway thanks for reading this far. My problem is she has controlled and run everything. She has been my rock and now I know I cannot live like this, however I cannot live alone. I have no money, no job, my health is not good. I have no friends and suffer from some depression and anxiety.

The world sees her as perfect, at everything she does. She will hit the ground running as she blames me for everything. But I can't live alone in government housing. I don't have the courage. I am completely locked into this nightmare. I am not well enough to get another job. My day is spent sitting in my room thinking what am I going to do. I went to therapy and just today my Dr. agreed that if I leave it will not be any better. I will have new problems. I will have no money to survive or any network. I truly dont want to be here anymore but I'm not allowed to say so.

I have no idea what I am going to do I just dont have the tools, the confidence, the strength at my age to leave.

Thank you for reading.

[browzer]

She's the breadwinner in a long term marriage.

 

She'll be paying you spousal support, possibly for quite some time.

 

Maybe even until you are eligible to collect Social Security.

[todreaminblue]

dont go for spousal support its a method for her to control you from afar....it wont do your self esteem any good..i left a relationship that made me sick......i gave him an ultimatum.....and i dont think he thought i would leave......i did ...i had to go to hospital for a while to deal with what i had to deal with......i sunk into a depression nearly died.....but i did it.....i left destitute and debt ridden with my animals and five kids...i had family support interstate they came and got me...i moved in with my mum and my sis for a while....then found my own place.....it wasnt easy and it was a struggle.....still is......i have no regrets on my leaving.....it was right to do so.....

 

do you have family?.......deb

[lost62]

Thanks for reading, no family. Due to kidney disease and age I dont see starting over as a reality.

As far as income, she is self-employed. Money if any might be hidden in her birth country, as she is working much less to show low income. After paying debt there would be nothing to split. I know its not constructive but I am sitting in my room minute by minute hour by hour in pain. Very long days.

[Downtown]

She insists she... loves me and I must do it [file for divorce].

Lost, I understand you believe she is lying about loving you now. But what about years ago? Did she love you at the beginning of your relationship? Also, during the 21 years, did she appear to be emotionally unstable around you (i.e., flipping back and forth between loving you and devaluing you)?

[Fair]

Thanks for reading, no family. Due to kidney disease and age I dont see starting over as a reality.

As far as income, she is self-employed. Money if any might be hidden in her birth country, as she is working much less to show low income. After paying debt there would be nothing to split. I know its not constructive but I am sitting in my room minute by minute hour by hour in pain. Very long days.

 

(Hugs). Somehow, someway, it'll all get better. You just have to believe...