Found out Dad I was interested in is married?!

[JuneL]

Where do you see emotional affair? She said nothing, done nothing.

 

The mental exercise about attraction/seduction and push/pull, etc.

[Timshel]

This is a very convincing post coming from a very beautiful young woman (one who has posted many of her real pictures, instead of merely making some cheap talk on and on about how attractive she is).

 

Mkay...you are aware that you are on the internet?

 

This thread I am wondering why some posters are encouraging a woman to fantasize about a married man.

 

Fantasy involving real life interaction usually leads to action.

My advice to the OP would be to find action that leads to joy....start a business, volunteer for Habitat For Humanity, design a garden, do yoga, belly dancing, paint, write, teach, jog, hike....

 

Planning the seduction of a married man is short pickings.

 

There is more to life and yourself than that.

[No_Go]

The mental exercise about attraction/seduction and push/pull, etc.

 

Since there wasn’t anything shared (feeling confessions etc)... IMO it is technically not an emotional affair, although you’re right, it is borderline.

 

I don’t know about OP but personally I’ve been in such a situation for multiple years without escalation. She hasn’t done anything suggesting she’ll escalate it so far...

[JuneL]

I bet you didn't dream about how to seduce him using pull/push.

 

Since there wasn’t anything shared (feeling confessions etc)... IMO it is technically not an emotional affair, although you’re right, it is borderline.

 

I don’t know about OP but personally I’ve been in such a situation for multiple years without escalation. She hasn’t done anything suggesting she’ll escalate it so far...

[JuneL]

Here is my final attempt on this thread...

 

OP: You asked in your opening post if this hot married dad would act on his attraction. Some of us (mostly women) gave you an honest answer based on our experience, and have been accused of being jealous of your looks. To be honest, none of us know how you look like; more importantly, you're never going to be in our life anyway, so how you look is not going to affect our lives one bit. If you're adamant about stepping up your game of seduction/attraction and push/pull, then by all means follow World's advice. Personally, I think you'll most likely make a big fool of yourself (and, sadly, of your son). The married hot dad is supposed to be very hot, according to you, so he should be used to getting attention from the subset of women who care about looks.

 

I just skimmed through this thread again, and noticed that you are living the life of a trophy wife divorced mom: You have very rigid and superficial notions of how life is supposed to be, be it religion, volunteering activities, or looks, instead of living an authentic life. I venture to speculate this may be your core issue. I wish you all the best!

Edited January 22, 2018 by JuneL

[JJacobs]

I understand the sentiment, and I highly doubt No Go is encouraging me to cheat. I just think she’s been where I am now, and from what she’s said, there have been missed opportunities in her life - I can relate to that! She knows what I’m going through, and understands that what I’m doing is fantasy only! I’m not encouraging him, it’s a game. It does not mean I plan on sleeping with him!

 

As for the Christianity, it is how I was raised but I do believe it has robbed me of many experiences. I’m not at a point where I would betray those values, but I’m not a hypocrite who’s going to say that I never make mistakes. I do, and I’m trying not to make one here.

 

I am not acting on my attraction to him, but that doesn’t mean it’s not there! Do you guys expect me to come on here and say it’s all solved, I don’t feel anything anymore? That would be a lie. I haven’t told him how I feel - or shown him how I feel. He has been the one subtly showing interest and he has definitely instigated me. I feel provoked and tempted. This has not translated into any actions on my part. I’m seeing him tomorrow and I get more and more shy as the hours go by! I doubt I’ll even be able to look him in the eyes when I get there. My stomach is already in knots and I still have 24 hours to go...

[No_Go]

Yeah I'm absolutely NOT for cheating. I just don't see here the typical cheater behavior (act first then tell,m put THEMSELVES and their wellbeing over anything, any remorse overriden by 'explanatory' circumstances: "his wife/girlfriend is horrible/mistreats him", "they would have broken up anyway etc").

 

Do you guys expect me to come on here and say it’s all solved, I don’t feel anything anymore? That would be a lie. That to me is the striking recurring topic on these forums, and in this thread in particular" telling the person to shut down feelings if the situation is dead-end, they are not 'treated well by LS standards' etc. As if it is an on/off switch that one can control...

 

Christianity... I'm sure plays role into this, more than it is acknowledged. I haven't experienced it directly (I've always been agnostic, started late with men for completely unrelated reasons), but I've seen effects of repressed sexuality both in these forums (there was a wonderful female poster that would have chipped in but I don't see her around anymore), and IRL - my long-term exbf who stayed virgin until his mid30s due to religious guilt. It is not pretty, and as much as I can respect religious principles, they do NOT translate at all in the current day and age. How would one define 'serial monogamy', the most accepted behavior nowadays, in biblical terms??

 

JJ, I'm most afraid you'd get hurt because unacted upon crushes can transcede the time of actual interaction with many years. There are too many 'what ifs' left open, and not enough negatives to give mental closure. I've spun in this for many years, it was that bad possibly because I was young and virgin, i.e. this was my pretty much single love and when he finally got tired and withdrew: it scarred me - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/534566-unrequited-love-long-term-consequences.

 

If it is just sexual attraction it is actually much easier, I'm afraid the sexual&emotional will blur before you know it...

[JJacobs]

No Go, I have read your entire thread... That must have been so hurtful! I had almost the exact same experience with someone I used to work with, but we were both married at the time so neither one of us acted on it then. Years later, both of us divorced, he turned out to be the man I was with after my divorce.

 

And let me tell you, it should have stayed in fantasy land! So if you still think about him, know that some of these crushes or love we feel are sometimes better left untouched. I used to feel exactly like you, as if I had missed a great opportunity for love because I didn’t act fast/decisively/openly enough. The man turned out to be the most narcissistic, toxic person I had ever met. Years of romantic illusions on my part came crashing down after we had been together for a few months. Sometimes, fantasy is the way to go!

 

And I will reply to a comment I can no longer see, which I assume was accusing me of trying to rile up basketball dad’s wife! I intentionally avoided the game last week in order to keep from riling her up! I needed some distance, but I also needed to establish that distance didn’t bother me - to him and to her, IF she’s even concerned about me in any way. This is not a given. Maybe she doesn’t even know I exist!

 

But he does... And tonight I’ll see him. I feel all kinds of things right now. Excited about more flirting. Nervous because I don’t think I can pull it off. Scared that nothing will happen and I’ll be disappointed.

 

Meanwhile, the man I mentioned, with whom I was after my divorce, has been checking me out on social media. He’s still an option but I’m floored by how little I want him. His interest doesn’t move me at all. I was crazy about that guy. Funny how feelings change.

 

So I guess I’m trying to keep this thing with basketball dad in perspective... Keep my eye on the prize of nothing but harmless fun...

[No_Go]

know that some of these crushes or love we feel are sometimes better left untouched Totally agree! In a goal-driven dating world this is usually forgotten, some crushes are there for the mind experience, not for materializing them. I do think the guy I mentioned and the other intense (but unconsummated) crushes I had played a very important role, maybe more important than the one of the men that I've actually been in relationships with. They have given me a certain energy jump (which btw is not esoteric - I can explain it easily with hormones & neuromediators & conditioning ) that I've used to achieve other things in life.

 

With the B-Dad - it is a risky game but I have the gut feeling you're keeping it all under control. I'm curious what goes through his head.... If I were you, I'd focus on examining his reactions tonight (and really get into the details) instead of flirting - you're too pumped up from the hormones (hormones are like drugs! I think their power is underestimated), so there is a chance to mess it up if you get too anxious, people sense anxiety...

[minimariah]

Yeah I'm absolutely NOT for cheating.

 

really...? it most definitely seems like you are - if it’s harmless fun. in fact, it seems like you yourself were or are in similar situation, which would explain your commentary.

[No_Go]

really...? it most definitely seems like you are - if it’s harmless fun. in fact, it seems like you yourself were or are in similar situation, which would explain your commentary.

 

Both - I had it before, I have it now too. And both times nothing happened (well I have imagined ripping their clothes of if that counts but kept poker face in front of them). If you want my stories are the living proof such a crush is harmless (for the crush object), that’s why I shared some with her..

[JJacobs]

Guys, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t flirt with him.

 

I had this overwhelming shyness sweep over me as soon as I got to the club. He wasn’t there yet. I was sitting on the bleachers and noticed him approaching out of the corner of my left eye... I looked at him and he was looking down at the ground, with a big smile on his face.

 

I looked up at him. He looked at me, said “Hi, how are you”... and blushed! He was actually blushing. I responded, looked down and pretended to look inside my purse.

 

(This is when I decided to pay attention to his reactions like NoGo had said. )

 

I was watching my son play, pretending to ignore b-dad, when he turned to me and said “Looks like it’s just the 3 of us today...” A curious statement since it wasn’t even close to time for practice anyway...

 

But I followed his lead and started talking. At one point, I was talking about how many points my son had scored at the last game, and I said “And I wasn’t here to see it...” He nodded yes, looked at me and said “I know...”. I smiled.

 

He said something about how big the kids in the other team were, I said “Yes, my ex said that!”. It just came out... Not premeditated so at least now he knows that’s my ex.

 

Then the moment I had been both dreading and expecting happened, in the middle of practice... I was watching him play with the boys (others arrived as our conversation ended), and sort of got lost staring at him. He stopped talking to the boys and stared right at me. He was just standing there, staring....

 

And I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t hold his gaze. I looked down, and away at another team. I felt so stupid!! Why didn’t I keep staring? I should have kept going until he broke contact. My stomach was about to come out of my mouth, so I have zero hope that this can ever really be fun for me. It’s so much anxiety all at once!

 

We had another staring moment but I did better - I smiled at him because he had just done something funny, so it was kind of a sweet moment. He did look at me to check my reaction.

 

Then the end of practice came. He was standing to my right, facing me... And I turned my back to him as I got our things ready. Another guy came over to talk to him - he didn’t turn around to face him, he remained facing me and the guy was parallel to him. Odd, but I was busy so I made it a point to not say goodbye to him. I just walked away.

 

I felt bad about it immediately, but maybe he needed that. I was actually feeling guilty about the staring and thought this would make him think I’m not really interested... Which makes no sense!

 

Here’s what I’ve gathered from his reactions today: he is genuinely shy. Don Juan, my virtual friend, called him a puppy dog and I think he’s right!! I think that for a woman to seduce him, she would have to be really vampy and skanky - not me by any means! I think we’re both too much alike. I had never seen a grown man blush before. He was genuinely nervous.

 

I’m enjoying all the sexual fantasies, but I’m having a hard time dealing with the frustration that they will not happen.

 

Could I turn into someone else in order to turn this into something satisfying? Do I even want to go there? Why is the first man I’m attracted to in months just as shy as I am?! Really...

[igotoverit]

This is one hell of a post but don't worry, we are all still here. Will most likely be until the end of this thread. You spend too much time talking about it and with all the anticipation, you got nervous. I have no advice, just a curious lurker, but you will get more advice.

[No_Go]

Ahhh the tension... It's like reading about my love struggles. Actually someone here (June I think) asked me why I always have associated with weirdo bfs - well, I know why - because these were the only men to be nonapologetic and pushy enough to break the barrier... The rest will go into... puppy mode .

 

This guy is really attracted and really confused. Possibly going through moral and other internal struggles. Actually it is good you broke the eye contact. Sometimes the intensity is just *too* much, even in an innocent flirt...

 

But I'm sure he knows you're interested... It is scary to think but we do have very good toolset of 'gut' responses when it comes to sexual/mating games. Here we just witness once again the battle of biology & society, the winner is known before the start...

 

When is the next practice? Do you want to detach? Or continue the edging?

[igotoverit]

I just want you to know that you seem pretty awesome to me, and whatever the outcome is, I'm tuned in and reading. I will not judge you. I originally said go for it and then my morals kicked in. I probably sounded harsh and maybe even jealous but at this point, I'm kind of hoping for an affair. Sorry LS.

[WorldInMyEyes]

So your friend* Don Juan is already putting down the other guy you're attracted to? The plot thickens . . .

 

 

 

 

*men and women can be "just friends", right?

[JJacobs]

No Go - You post has given me a tiny bit of hope! ? I keep telling myself he’s really not interested. It hurts, then I think about showing up in a sweatshirt next time! I looked fantastic yesterday!! And for what? ?

 

But I have to be honest.... I want more. I do not want to detach. I like the tension after it’s over. I like looking forward to seeing him again. The next practice is only next Tuesday, but I will see him at the game this Saturday. I’m going to give myself only one directive: let him catch me staring 3 times. Then I can stop.

 

The only deterrent to this is that his wife will be there! Camera Watch was nowhere in sight yesterday, I assume that’s why he seemed a bit more open... He stopped the practice and stared! ? (I thought my time had come and I was about to face Jesus!) But with his wife there, I don’t expect he will do that. He and I are still in the approaching stage.. And I’m

only going to see him 11 more times! Between practices and games....

 

So, I definitely want to keep going...

 

IGotoverit - Haha, thank you! That’s very nice of you. I go back and forth between hoping for an affair, and censuring myself. I do appreciate having a place to vent about it, this is not something I would share my my “real-life” friends.

 

World - I know, right?! I noticed that too. But I think I misused the word “friend”. He’s someone who messaged me on another forum to give his opinion on this coach, so we’ve been talking. There aren’t any pictures or anything, so I don’t know anything about him.

 

He thinks I need to pursue b-dad more openly and he is very graphic in telling me what the sexual pay-off would be! ? I see exactly what he’s doing in trying to turn me on, but I actually enjoy his take on this situation, so I’m still talking to him.

 

I haven’t been able to be friends with a guy in many years - they always end up wanting to sleep with me, and it’s never reciprocal. I deeply miss male friendships! I’ve always related to men a lot more easily. I guess that’s what happens as we age...

 

So, I’m hoping my staring plan will work to lower his resistance a little... It’s so hard for me to step into this active role. I don’t want to act desperate... But I think since there seems to be *some* interest from him, I may not be in danger of being seen that way...

 

One other thing I noticed yesterday is that he gives my son A LOT more attention than any of the other 7 boys. During the entire practice, during drills and directives, etc. He stopped my son right in front of me at the end and fist-bumped him and complimented him a lot - nothing like that with the other boys. I just notice that the treatment is different, and it gives me some hope that maybe it’s because of me. I also thought it was cute that he was trying to justify the team’s loss last Saturday by explaining to me how the other team was taller... I could tell in his face that he was trying to explain himself, but maybe he would do that with any other parent?

 

But here’s the thing: I’ve never seen him talking to any of the other parents. ? He talks to other coaches... I’m the only parent I’ve seen him talk to. So... hope is my best friend right now.

[JuneL]

My apologies, but I vow this is definitely my last post. I now suspect this Don Juan is the hot married basketball dad. Now this thread has become a comedy

[stillafool]

This is all so sad and desperate.

[No_Go]

hope is my best friend right now.

 

And it should be! No reason to lose hope here because there is no end goal. He's not going to lose interest because what is acting up is a basic instinct. I do believe in biology: and basic reproductive&survival instincts are near impossible to beat.

 

Unless you want escalation (which I have the gut feeling you're not ready to take now even if possible) - there is nothing that can go wrong at the moment.

 

To the negativity: it will be desperate if OP was flashing goods or confessing luv, here we just see thought process with very little surfacing. Most people are just not genuine enough to admit similar thoughts.

[JJacobs]

To comment on June’s comment... I freaked out this morning. I was SURE Don Juan was b-dad!!

 

He sent me a message this morning talking about how if b-dad is staring, he wants me. Then he goes on to say things like “He looks at you and pictures his hands running...” and I won’t keep going because it’s very graphic.

 

But then he wrote “Then while he’s looking at you, he pictures running his hands through your new hair style, pushing your hair aside..”

 

Yesterday, I wore a new hair style!! It was the first time I wore my hair curly instead of straight.

 

Then he continued “He stares, imagining you bent over the counter in your home, your leggings around your ankles”. I’ve worn leggings before... Then he wrote something about ripping open the blouse I wore yesterday....

 

So, I was nearly having a heart attack thinking Don Juan is b-dad and ask him if he is the United States, he says yes, NJ... Not our state. My goodness. I thought through some kind of miracle it was b-dad recognizing the story and writing to me about it! But then I started thinking, why would he try to call b-dad a puppy dog if he was b-dad? And why lie about he state? He would just say our state in order to give me another clue.

 

I’m still intrigued, but I think it’s safe to say that Don Juan is NOT b-dad. Although, with the way my life has been going, I am just the person this would happen to!

[WorldInMyEyes]

Don is an internet random who is probably hoping for some one-on-one time with you. Or, I should say, "one-on-Juan". ?

[JJacobs]

Haha, I know! There’s no way b-dad would have found that thread. Things like that don’t happen in real life. ?

 

So I’m back to waiting for Saturday!

[BaileyB]

This is all so sad and desperate.

 

My thoughts exactly everytime I revisit this discussion... Surely OP, there must be a single, available man who you find attractive enough to date. What a waste of time and energy...

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Yeah, I'm doubting Don Juan is Basketball Dad. I think Don Juan is probably likely to be someone unable to get his own dates and living vicariously through this situation. And by living vicariously, I mean totally getting off on it. JJ, I hope you did not post your photo on that forum.