Found out Dad I was interested in is married?!

[treehugger12]

Thank you, dear! I appreciate your concern. This has become a big deal to me because I am almost never attracted to anyone... I haven’t met anyone with his combination of qualities in a very long time! It’s almost unheard of. I wish I could explain it in words, it’s a very peculiar quality he has... He’s a Sales guy so I’m sure he has been successful because of it. ? But you’d have to meet him to know what I mean. Right now, I’m weary of holding myself back because I might suffer for it. I can take the suffering.

 

I hope your situation normalizes!!

 

I too am never attracted to any other men, in fact it’s been over over 25 years since I’ve been attracted to another guy, I too am an attractive gal, in fact I used to model as well. I understand that, I am crazy attracted to my MM, which makes it hard to say no if your mm starts sexting you, are you going to be able to control yourself and not touch him?? I get you don’t seeing how your already addicted to him. Once you have that intimate connection with him, it’s harder to get over the addiction of him. I don’t want to see you hurting over a guy you can’t have, I know it’s all fun and exciting and you think it is all innocent because you haven’t “done” anything “yet” I totally get it. Your in the fog, he’s not yours to play with. Your already addicted to him. Ughhh...

 

My situation is going to get better, I had my chance again with my MM and I am passing it up because I know better, I’ve learned my lesson and need to go NC.

[JJacobs]

If anyone is still reading this thread, I’ll continue to post because it helps me to process everything!

 

So, last night was practice... He and I continue to play cat and mouse. But I definitely feel the effects of my apparent lack of interest last Saturday at the game, when he kept approaching me and I was too nervous to be anything other than nonchalant - he was a bit more subdued yesterday.

 

He got there almost on time for practice, different because he’s always early like me. He just said “Hi how are you?” and started shooting hoops with the boys. I felt deflated, he usually tries to talk.

 

During practice, there was the usual attention from him, the glances, paying attention to what I did, smiling. I’m used to this, so nothing out of the ordinary.

 

At the end, he came close to where I was and I heard him tell another parent the game time this weekend. That parent walked away, he told me the same. I looked at him and said “Got it. And just so you know, if you email us this week, I may not get it. The email you sent on Saturday morning, I didn’t get it until yesterday afternoon!”. He said “Yes, I’ll probably send an email at some point...”. I said “Good, I’m having issues with my email account so if I don’t reply, it’s because I didn’t get it...” He smiled and said something else I don’t remember. It was so rushed and I felt pressured to talk fast, there were so many people around us.... My son wanted to go get a sandwich so I just packed everything up and left - he had his back to me.

 

Again my son and I were sitting in the restaurant... I was sitting facing the exit and he walked by. I was already feeling rejected by his having his back to us when we left, so I decided not to look at him.

 

Then I hear him say “He always gets a sub, doesn’t he?”. I look up, smile, and say “He has dinner before coming here, then a sub!” (Wanted him to know I feed my child ?) He was walking as he said it, then he just said goodbye with a “Have a good night!” and I did the same...

 

But then last night, after practice, he went to my LinkedIn... I assume Facebook as well, since his profile was the first showing even before his wife’s (hers had been first for a couple of weeks), and it changed last night! (Facebook DOES show who views your profile, you just need to know the trick.) On Facebook, I had posted The Pretenders’ “Don’t get me wrong”, which is exactly how I feel when I see him! ? I hope he makes the connection. I changed it to another song this morning.

 

So, the social media visits show me that there’s at least some interest... I just don’t know how to psych myself up to show him mine any more than I have.

[WorldInMyEyes]

So, last night was practice... He and I continue to play cat and mouse. But I definitely feel the effects of my apparent lack of interest last Saturday at the game, when he kept approaching me and I was too nervous to be anything other than nonchalant - he was a bit more subdued yesterday.

You have to remember that he's a man, and we tend to react to things in a more straightforward fashion than you ladies do. What I mean by that is, what you might consider a "move in the game", to him might feel like actual rejection. Remember your "strategic withdrawal"? To b-dad it probably just felt like withdrawal because you weren't interested.

 

Feigning interest seems to be a fun game for women. But, be careful that we don't interpret that as real disinterest. Because if we do, we're moving on and we're not looking back. Acting like you're not interested in a guy (even if you are) is painful to him and who wants to feel pain?

 

Men don't like playing games with women. It's not that they aren't fun, it's that we don't understand them. We're incapable of it. How can you play a game when you can't understand the rules?

 

EDIT: "Don't Get Me Wrong" is so, so awesome of a song.

[No_Go]

Facebook DOES show who views your profile, you just need to know the trick What's the trick JJ ? I WANT to know too!

 

How long have you been in touch with B-Dad? I think there is an inflection point that naturally happens in interpersonal interactions, just the initial intensity can't stay constant for too long. So maybe that's what you're noticing with him, or, you maybe right, he misinterpreted your pull back with lack of interest. Time to dial up a bit from your end.

[JJacobs]

I agree with both of you - maybe stepping back was a mistake. Maybe he’s either intimidated by the coach/parent thing and my withdrawal means he got confused. Now all I can do is calm my nerves when I’m around him and try to show that he was right the first time!!

 

As for the FB trick, I found out about it after a lot of testing!

 

I have an alternative profile that doesn’t interact with me on FB in any way, except for looking at my profile. So I looked at it from my main profile and , as usual, for a couple of days it would show first when I typed in the first name. Then it would drop in the search results, meaning it would no longer be the top result.

 

Then I gave it two months and didn’t look at it from my main profile at all. No interaction from me. My alternative profile no longer showed as a result.

 

Then I used the alternative to look at my main profile pretty heavily - I looked at pictures, the About section, likes, etc. After doing this one day, that night my alternative profile shot to first result when I searched for its first name!! Since it had been looking at mine, my main FB search results showed it. The alternative profile shows as a top result when I type its first name, last name and both first and last names. This happens when that person has been viewing your profile consistently.

 

I hope this is understandable... This also happened with a lady I know - I had never even looked her up on FB, she’s not in my contacts, nothing - she told me she had gone to my Facebook and a couple of days later, I was searching for a FB friend of mine with her same first name, but guess whose profile showed as the first search result? That’s right, the lady who said she’d visited my profile a couple of days earlier!

 

FB will never admit to this, of course - but it is true!!

 

I’ll see him again on Saturday... I’m hoping for something better ?

[JuneL]

Sorry I have to break my NC with this thread again.

Why do you have to do things in such a convoluted manner? If you want to know who have viewed your fb, just install the damn app. Also, the not receiving his email line is just lame (I wonder who would buy that lie). If you wanna text him, just do it already!

[No_Go]

Sorry I have to break my NC with this thread again.

Why do you have to do things in such a convoluted manner? If you want to know who have viewed your fb, just install the damn app. Also, the not receiving his email line is just lame (I wonder who would buy that lie). If you wanna text him, just do it already!

 

June not to speak up for JJ, but I can tell you from experience why people do things in convoluted manner: it is for the perceived safety. I'm very intrigued by this thread because I recognize behavioral patterns that I have experienced myself.

 

OP: regarding push/pull - just don't overthink it but play by ear. That's the only way that is 'natural'. For a more intuitive person playing games (intentional push/pull is very easy to perceive, you don't want that). If you're feeling shy and pulling back - it is okay, if you're doing it as an attention game - it is not. The nuance is subtle but enough for trained eye.

[JJacobs]

No Go and World, great posts!! And my thoughts exactly. ?

 

I think I’ve been holding myself back from showing him out of shyness - I did have an intent to step back, but whenever I’m close to him, I get super nervous and step back without meaning to. Not to play games, I simply get overwhelmed by my feelings and shut down. Even when he stares at me, I immediately look down - I can’t hold his gaze, even though I want to! My senses overwhelm me and I do exactly the opposite of what I want to do.

 

I’m still at the point of gauging his interest by showing him mine - it’s this part that gives me trouble! ? Tomorrow I’ll do better... I know he wants me. I can feel it. World is absolutely right in his assessment... And so is NoGo when it comes to my ambivalence in showing interest. I messed up.

 

When I see him tomorrow, I’ll try to make up for it... Show him that no, it’s not his imagination!! ?

[JJacobs]

I love Fridays!

 

It’s one of the days when my cleaning lady comes, so the house is deeply clean and all the laundry is done. I’ve spent this week meeting other stay-at-home moms for coffee and reflecting on my life.

 

I have to say - I have an incredible life! Not only is my son happy and healthy, but I’m able to be his mom full-time, and to make a lovely home for us, without having to worry about provision or anything else. In therapy, I’ve identified financial security as my number one need, and it has been met. I literally have zero worries in my life - how many people can say that?

 

This brings me to where I’m placing b-dad - he is a want, not a need. I’m pretty happy with him as a distraction, but with how full my life is right now, I honestly don’t know if I have room for a full relationship with a man. Casual sex isn’t acceptable to me, so even if I did decide to be with b-dad, my choices with him would be limited. This is something else I’ve learned in therapy - I need to be in the driver’s seat in every area of my life, and yet I find it difficult to be attracted to men who allow it.

 

It’s a tough conundrum - but I’m trying to figure it out. I’m keeping b-dad as a fun possibility, he’s not my every thought or even close to it! Here’s the extent of his influence on me: today I’ve picked out an awesome outfit for tomorrow - burgundy, a color I look great in, and burgundy lips... I’ll be extra careful with my contouring, get my hair done in soft, full waves, and I’ve yet to pick out the jewelry. I don’t overdo it, but it’s lots of fun figuring all of this out in advance!! I know that when I feel I look fantastic, I am a lot less self-conscious and that should help me tomorrow.

 

As for now, I’m watching the lovely Judy Garland on TCM and drinking some hot green tea - my beauty drink! My son should be home from school soon and we have some friends coming over tonight. Then tomorrow will be here soon enough and maybe another update then!

Edited February 3, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude ~T

[S2B]

I love Fridays!

 

It’s one of the days when my cleaning lady comes, so the house is deeply clean and all the laundry is done. I’ve spent this week meeting other stay-at-home moms for coffee and reflecting on my life.

 

I have to say - I have an incredible life! Not only is my son happy and healthy, but I’m able to be his mom full-time, and to make a lovely home for us, without having to worry about provision or anything else. In therapy, I’ve identified financial security as my number one need, and it has been met. I literally have zero worries in my life - how many people can say that?

 

This brings me to where I’m placing b-dad - he is a want, not a need. I’m pretty happy with him as a distraction, but with how full my life is right now, I honestly don’t know if I have room for a full relationship with a man. Casual sex isn’t acceptable to me, so even if I did decide to be with b-dad, my choices with him would be limited. This is something else I’ve learned in therapy - I need to be in the driver’s seat in every area of my life, and yet I find it difficult to be attracted to men who allow it.

 

It’s a tough conundrum - but I’m trying to figure it out. I’m keeping b-dad as a fun possibility, he’s not my every thought or even close to it! Here’s the extent of his influence on me: today I’ve picked out an awesome outfit for tomorrow - burgundy, a color I look great in, and burgundy lips... I’ll be extra careful with my contouring, get my hair done in soft, full waves, and I’ve yet to pick out the jewelry. I don’t overdo it, but it’s lots of fun figuring all of this out in advance!! I know that when I feel I look fantastic, I am a lot less self-conscious and that should help me tomorrow.

 

As for now, I’m watching the lovely Judy Garland on TCM and drinking some hot green tea - my beauty drink! My son should be home from school soon and we have some friends coming over tonight. Then tomorrow will be here soon enough and maybe another update then!

 

You know, I was living your life many years ago. It was fun but I did become bored with no excitement on a daily basis...

 

I can see why you'd want to tease and play with this guys enotions...

 

Have you ever considered volunteer work a few times a week to keep you focused, occupied and feeling like you're donating time/energy towards a positive outcome each week?

Edited February 3, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I literally have zero worries in my life - how many people can say that?

 

 

Not I!

 

Bless your heart.

[S2B]

IF something does eventually happen between the dad - I'd bet money you will no longer be able to say you have no worries.

 

If/when his wife would find out everything will change - and it won't be pretty.

[BaileyB]

I love Fridays too!

 

My boyfriend and I snuck away from work early this afternoon to meet up for a quickie! I have no worries and a big smile on my face today too...

 

Bless your heart indeed!

Edited February 3, 2018 by BaileyB

[clam]

Just read this entire thread. Awaiting tomorrow’s post-game update...

[JJacobs]

I’m ecstatic!! ?

 

I used to have doubts about whether b-dad was interested or not; not anymore!! The way he acted today has told me everything I needed to know. And I finally managed to show him my interest, too!

 

I got to the basketball court with my son and my ex.... I am standing by the door and immediately see b-dad across the court. He is alone and walking to the other side of the court. Our eyes lock... He keeps walking and staring right into my eyes! I did NOT break eye contact. And he only did because he almost walked into another person standing there ? This must have taken a good 10 seconds! There is no way that a man who’s not interested will do that.

 

I got up from my seat and walked in front of the bleachers to get some water. A man I don’t know was walking towards me. He stops walking and just stands there looking at me walking by... This happens quite often, but in this instance, I wanted to see if b-dad was watching, so when I got to the door, I looked back.... and b-dad was looking at me, then he looked at the guy! I smiled and walked out.

 

The game was awesome!! We won! Our first win of the season... My son came to see us at the bleachers and I noticed that b-dad had grabbed my son’s water bottle. Before my ex could go get it from him, I very quickly walked over to b-dad... He smiled wide when he saw me coming over! I said “I think you have my water...” and he handed it to me... and touched my hand in the process. I almost passed out! My brain stared to spasm so I just said thanks and left.

 

Again, the three of us were sitting in the restaurant and b-dad walked by... I immediately told him”Congratulations on winning!” , he smiled and said it was the team, they did great, etc. The cute thing was that as soon as I congratulated him, he smiled, looked down at his feet, then back at me! He’s so shy!

 

I’m very, very happy. There’s no doubt in my mind that he’s interested, and he’s not hiding it, either. See, men act interested in me all the time, but I can see them actively concealing it from their wives/girlfriends. I honestly didn’t even care to look at where his wife was or wasn’t in all of this! Apparently, neither did he. He’s not trying to hide anything, and yes, he wants me!

 

???

 

Now I have to go pick out a nice song for Facebook and another fantastic outfit for Tuesday!! I’ll dial it up even more then. I was able to stare at him without breaking eye contact, which was my first goal... Practice this week should be interesting ?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Again, the three of us were sitting in the restaurant and b-dad walked by

 

 

Who's the third person?

 

Congrats to your son on the win

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I’m ecstatic!! ?

 

I used to have doubts about whether b-dad was interested or not; not anymore!!

 

and yes, he wants me!

 

 

What do you think he likes about you?

[JJacobs]

Who's the third person?

 

Congrats to your son on the win

 

Oh, thanks!! He was so happy! They’ve had me tie, three losses and one win... finally! ?

 

The third person was my ex, he wanted to be there today.

[JJacobs]

What do you think he likes about you?

 

That’s a good question. I can only go by what other men have told me. They say I have a “caring” quality, that they like my shyness because I’m not “out there“ like other women - I assume they mean aggressive. I’m trying so hard to tame my shyness with b-dad, but it might be good that I’m unable to be too forward. If he’s like other men, he probably enjoys my passiveness.

 

Found the perfect song for Facebook!! I really do think these have been helping ? “What if this is just the beginning?/We’re already wet and we’re going to go swimming...”

 

It’s an oldie from Liz Phair but I love it!! There have been others this week - Melissa Etheridge’s “Come to my window”, Norah Jones’ version of Ray Charles’ “You don’t know me”... The songs tell him everything I can’t. ?

[No_Go]

He very well can be drawn to the fact you’re not available. That works on men and women like magic.

 

Having said that - do you think you’re drawn to his unavailability as well?

 

From personal experience- this works well initially but you’re facing a massive heartbreak if he stays unavailable. I’m in sort of a situation with a let’s put it semi - available man that I just thought I have sexual attraction to, I can tell you we got closer (emotionally) and my brain is now totally spinning out of control...totally. And he’s arm length far only, I can’t imagine how I would have handled my daily life if he had family to spend weekends with....

 

Maybe it’s time to gauge is your flirt safe, for you mainly. You want emotions but not the catastrophic heartbreak kind of emotions. I can tell you mine looked safe (started about the same time as yours) but sparks turned into fire in not too long.... I feel like it will go to that route for you as well if you spend one-on-one time with b-dad under any circumstances....

 

That’s a good question. I can only go by what other men have told me. They say I have a “caring” quality, that they like my shyness because I’m not “out there“ like other women - I assume they mean aggressive. I’m trying so hard to tame my shyness with b-dad, but it might be good that I’m unable to be too forward. If he’s like other men, he probably enjoys my passiveness.

 

Found the perfect song for Facebook!! I really do think these have been helping ? “What if this is just the beginning?/We’re already wet and we’re going to go swimming...”

 

It’s an oldie from Liz Phair but I love it!! There have been others this week - Melissa Etheridge’s “Come to my window”, Norah Jones’ version of Ray Charles’ “You don’t know me”... The songs tell him everything I can’t. ?

[JJacobs]

He very well can be drawn to the fact you’re not available. That works on men and women like magic.

 

Having said that - do you think you’re drawn to his unavailability as well?

 

From personal experience- this works well initially but you’re facing a massive heartbreak if he stays unavailable. I’m in sort of a situation with a let’s put it semi - available man that I just thought I have sexual attraction to, I can tell you we got closer (emotionally) and my brain is now totally spinning out of control...totally. And he’s arm length far only, I can’t imagine how I would have handled my daily life if he had family to spend weekends with....

 

Maybe it’s time to gauge is your flirt safe, for you mainly. You want emotions but not the catastrophic heartbreak kind of emotions. I can tell you mine looked safe (started about the same time as yours) but sparks turned into fire in not too long.... I feel like it will go to that route for you as well if you spend one-on-one time with b-dad under any circumstances....

 

I think you’re absolutely correct. I am attracted to him also because of his unavailability. I go back and forth between wanting emotional intimacy, and shunning it because I don’t know where it would fit in my life right now.

 

Part of me wants just sex with no strings attached. The other part wants a meaningful relationship. I think a man would have to work really hard to get me to commit emotionally. B-dad already has that advantage because I’m attracted to both his looks and his personality! So I think his potential is high. Except for this pesky thing called adultery.

 

I’m having a hard time figuring out what I really want. I think for now I’m satisfied with the flirting, it might be because I’d be very surprised if b-dad made a move to be alone with me. At the same time, it excites me to think of that possibility. It’s a mix of happiness and dread, at the same time. Because what if my emotions get out of hand?

 

Is he even feeling things to the extent that I am? Does he think of me the way I think of him? It hasn’t taken over my life, yet. But I don’t have enough experience with romantic feelings to know if I can easily control them.

[JJacobs]

See, that’s the thing: I really don’t think he’s the type of guy who has a wandering eye. He doesn’t strike me as a player at all. If he is one, he’s really good at feigning shyness.

 

And I have to be honest, I was very bothered by his wife’s presence at first, but last time I wasn’t at all. I took one look at her and then she completely left my radar. I was a lot more interested in dealing with my emotions when I saw him and not letting them take over.

 

Am I being too naive in thinking he’s not the cheating type? I mean, nothing has happened between us, we haven’t done anything. Probably, nothing will happen. The jury is still out on my part on whether he would cheat or not. I don’t know why but I’ve built him up as a faithful man who finds another woman attractive. This doesn’t bother me. I really think I’m okay with not consummating this.

[William]

As there are already three directives from moderation in this thread I will not bother repeating them except to say that there will be no more warnings for those choosing to ignore them.

 

Three members are currently suspended and there is room for more if need be. ~T

[JJacobs]

Oh guys... What a day!

 

It started out well enough - I saw an email from him this morning that he had sent last night! To the group. I noticed that my name was the only one saved as a contact - looked at my ex’s email later in the day and confirmed my name was also the only one showing as a contact in his email from coach as well!

 

So the email was telling us about a new practice time. So I replied saying I’d have to show it to my son because he always asks to get there half an hour early and I usually say yes! Then I just said thank you for letting us know and I’ll see you tonight.

 

I was replying to him, so technically he didn’t owe me a reply... But I wanted one! I didn’t ask any questions or anything, but I wanted some nonsense emails from him. I wanted communication. Nothing.

 

Then I go to practice less early than usual... But still early. I’m waiting for the previous parents to leave the bleachers so that I can sit down, and see him to my right. I don’t look at him.

 

I walk to my seat and by now he’s directly in front of me and as I turn my back to him to sit down, I hear him say “I thought I’d see you here....” I have a suspicion he’s talking to me, but there are a lot of people there.

 

I turn around and look at him. He’s staring at me, putting his things down and smiling wide. I already know that smile - it’s his super flirty smile! I pretend I didn’t hear him and say “What’s that?” nonchalantly. (I was mad at him!)

 

He says with that big smile “I thought I’d see you here... early.” He’s referencing the email he didn’t reply to, probably because he wanted a line to say in person! ?? It sounded rehearsed. I think he messed it up the first time he said it, because he only added “early” to the second time...

 

This guy is not a player. I could see the nervousness in his face, but he was still very clearly flirting!

 

My heart melted and I was no longer angry, so I smiled and told him “I know, I tried to get out of it but couldn’t...” I looked away and he took off his sweatshirt.

 

During practice this annoying mom kept talking to me so I could barely watch him. But there was one time when he was facing me, our eyes locked, I looked away and looked back at him quickly... He had turned his head but his eyes had stayed on me! I can’t remember who looked away first but I think it was me.

 

At the end of practice, he was still shooting around so I bribed my son with Juicy Fruit to go shoot around some more ? B-dad came back to where I was sitting and I called him, told him that before I forget I should let him know my son has an 11:00 am game on Saturday so we might be late to b-dad’s game at 12;10. He tells my son good luck and he and his son are sitting down getting ready to leave, me and my son are doing the same.

 

There are other people leaving and annoying mom says goodbye to him, he doesn’t even respond! I liked that ? He gives me so much more attention, it’s nice to compare. He and I and my son keep talking, I’m enjoying staring at his face... And he smiles at me a lot.

 

Then he gets up to leave and I’m facing him, standing up. I get up pretty close to him, smile my sweetest smile, tilt my head and softly say “See you Saturday...” You guys should have seen his smile! It’s hard to explain in writing but we had a moment.

 

I had to stop with my son as we were leaving and b-dad caught up to us. I noticed he stopped walking when he reached us, as if he was letting us go first... He didn’t want to walk ahead of us. I kept walking, flipped my hair and stuck out my butt just in case he was checking it out! ?

 

My son and I stopped at the restaurant again.... B-dad told us “See ya” one more time... I said it again even though it felt as if we didn’t want to say it... How many times can we say goodbye? ? (This is an old Dionne Warwick song!)

 

I’m pretty elated. I wanted more flirting but practice was pretty intense tonight, he looked really busy!

 

But I got to see how he treats other parents, and the way he is still starting conversations with me gives me hope. But I really don’t know if he will ever have the courage to turn up the heat... I posted Hall and Oates’ “One on one “ on my Facebook this morning (because I’d see him tonight...) and I’m positive he’s checking it out... I hope he knows it’s for him, but I still feel I need to act more interested. Everything I’ve done could still be leaving him in doubt... I have so much more staring to do! ?

[JJacobs]

Those of you following this thread who are not against my interest in b-dad... What do you make of it? Am I reading too much into his behavior? Men usually ask me out, he seems to be doing one hell of a dance around the issue, or he’s just not interested enough. Does this seem like something that will progress?