Found out Dad I was interested in is married?!

[No_Go]

Those of you following this thread who are not against my interest in b-dad... What do you make of it? Am I reading too much into his behavior? Men usually ask me out, he seems to be doing one hell of a dance around the issue, or he’s just not interested enough. Does this seem like something that will progress?

 

I trust your intuition is not too off. He's probably reading into your interest as well. But since he's not single, I think the whole situation is much different from other flirts that you've experienced.

 

The question is what do you want to happen. Keep in mind here you are entering the territory of a potential heartbreak....... Even if nothing happens but he withdraws not, it will be painful, right? Now imagine if you had got closer and he withdraws. Be very cautious IMO.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Those of you following this thread who are not against my interest in b-dad... What do you make of it? Am I reading too much into his behavior? Men usually ask me out, he seems to be doing one hell of a dance around the issue, or he’s just not interested enough. Does this seem like something that will progress?

 

Are you expecting him to ask you out on a date?

[WorldInMyEyes]

Those of you following this thread who are not against my interest in b-dad... What do you make of it? Am I reading too much into his behavior? Men usually ask me out, he seems to be doing one hell of a dance around the issue, or he’s just not interested enough. Does this seem like something that will progress?

Is he like those other guys who ask you out? He's not? Well there's your answer.

 

Being an attractive man means you don't have to do the chasing like all the other members of your gender. A couple things are at play here:

 

1) This is a man who spent his whole life not getting rejected by women. If he expresses interest in you and you reject him, that's going to sting a lot worse than some unattractive dude living in his mom's basement who gets rejected by women all the time and is used to it. Pride is at stake for him here. Don't underestimate that.

 

2) It's not just that he's never had to chase after women, but that women have chased after him. He's never learned how to be a "player" because he's never had to. Why come up with silly pick up lines or whatever when you can walk into a club and women approach you without you having to say a word to them?

 

Try looking at it from his perspective. It's going to take more of an effort on your part with him than it would with the "average Joe".

 

Good luck and keep us posted!

[JJacobs]

I trust your intuition is not too off. He's probably reading into your interest as well. But since he's not single, I think the whole situation is much different from other flirts that you've experienced.

 

The question is what do you want to happen. Keep in mind here you are entering the territory of a potential heartbreak....... Even if nothing happens but he withdraws not, it will be painful, right? Now imagine if you had got closer and he withdraws. Be very cautious IMO.

 

I think I have crossed a line.

 

What do I want to happen? Everything. I want the sex and the intimacy and the pain and the joy and I can handle the unavailability! I want it all. I won’t be dumb enough to think he’d leave his wife, but I want the experience of him. It’s taken me a while to come to this conclusion, but I’m so incredibly tired of putting up walls. I’ve been doing it for so long. I don’t just want this man for sex. Sex is easy. I want all of him.

[JJacobs]

Are you expecting him to ask you out on a date?

 

Of course. As I just mentioned in another post, I want to see where this goes. It would be the logical progression.

[JJacobs]

Is he like those other guys who ask you out? He's not? Well there's your answer.

 

Being an attractive man means you don't have to do the chasing like all the other members of your gender. A couple things are at play here:

 

1) This is a man who spent his whole life not getting rejected by women. If he expresses interest in you and you reject him, that's going to sting a lot worse than some unattractive dude living in his mom's basement who gets rejected by women all the time and is used to it. Pride is at stake for him here. Don't underestimate that.

 

2) It's not just that he's never had to chase after women, but that women have chased after him. He's never learned how to be a "player" because he's never had to. Why come up with silly pick up lines or whatever when you can walk into a club and women approach you without you having to say a word to them?

 

Try looking at it from his perspective. It's going to take more of an effort on your part with him than it would with the "average Joe".

 

Good luck and keep us posted!

 

I know you’re right about this.

 

I don’t know if I have what it takes to take this to the next level. I keep going over last night in my mind and there are so many things I could have said to keep a conversation going at the end of practice - the two of us were alone with our kids. And what did I do? I stood close to him and said “See you Saturday...” ?

 

What you’ve described about him is EXACTLY how I feel in this position. I’ve never been rejected. I’m terrified of how much that probably hurts. I’ve also never wanted a man as much as I want him. A lot of my ego is wrapped up in this. I know that a rejection from him wouldn’t mean I’m undesirable, which is what plagues most women (I think), but I want him so badly that it would sting... a lot.

 

But is it supposed to be this difficult?? I think I’ve shown him a lot of interest already ? How much more encouragement does he need? I reply to all of his emails, that’s keeping the lines of communication open - I definitely don’t do that with other men. I’ve stared back whenever I catch him. I smile when we talk. The only thing I can do to show my interest is to stare more! Then he will notice it, right? I mean, what else could it mean when a woman stares at you? You can misinterpret words and emails, but that eye contact says it all.

 

Or at least I hope it will...

[No_Go]

I think I have crossed a line.

 

What do I want to happen? Everything. I want the sex and the intimacy and the pain and the joy and I can handle the unavailability! I want it all. I won’t be dumb enough to think he’d leave his wife, but I want the experience of him. It’s taken me a while to come to this conclusion, but I’m so incredibly tired of putting up walls. I’ve been doing it for so long. I don’t just want this man for sex. Sex is easy. I want all of him.

 

The thing is if you move forward and have a date or have sex, it will snowball to wanting more. And then a very possible outcome is that he'll get scared and withdraw - which for you will reflect into the so dreaded rejection (although technically the rejection won't be for you and your qualities as a woman, but a reflection of the circumstances).

 

Maybe the most sane approach will be to just informally talk first, somehow move the conversation away from kids&plays and get an idea where he stands. I don't have a good advice how to get there, but it should be something that is not forced, somehow natural transition should happen...

[WorldInMyEyes]

Of course. As I just mentioned in another post, I want to see where this goes. It would be the logical progression.

Wait until you have your first one-on-one time with him, it will blow your mind. I don't mean sex, I mean just you and him talking with no one else around. The unavailability factor magnifies an already incredibly intense situation. What an amazing experience it is.

[JJacobs]

The thing is if you move forward and have a date or have sex, it will snowball to wanting more. And then a very possible outcome is that he'll get scared and withdraw - which for you will reflect into the so dreaded rejection (although technically the rejection won't be for you and your qualities as a woman, but a reflection of the circumstances).

 

I can totally see him withdrawing - I go back and forth about his interest, which tells me he might be struggling with moving the flirtation forward. So if something really happened and he withdrew, it would hurt. But i would also have lived. I’ve spent a lot of time protecting myself from pain. No one dies from being in love. Heartbreak exists, then it passes. It doesn’t scare me anymore. What I do not want is to wake up at the age of 70 regretting all the love and sex I could have had! My self-control as far as he is concerned is zero

Edited February 8, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote and remove extraneous characters

[JJacobs]

Wait until you have your first one-on-one time with him, it will blow your mind. I don't mean sex, I mean just you and him talking with no one else around. The unavailability factor magnifies an already incredibly intense situation. What an amazing experience it is.

 

 

???

 

I would love that so much!

 

Unfortunately, at the moment I don’t have any hope that it is going to happen. I’m only going to see him 7 more times and then it will be over! I might run into him at the gym but then that’s it. I don’t see him making a move, I don’t even know if he’s as interested as I think he is.

 

Although, I realized that on Tuesday he stayed shooting hoops after practice because he was waiting for Camera Watch to leave! My son was shooting hoops with him and I was still sitting down, so he knew we weren’t leaving. As soon as Camera Watch cleared out, he came over to where I was. The other parents left pretty quickly so we were both alone with our kids. I had noticed that he kept checking the door and watching who was leaving when he was on the court, which is very unlike him - usually practice is over, he’s out of there - so I even looked around afraid he might be checking out another mom ? Nope, he was waiting for everyone to leave! And I was bribing my son with gum to stay ?

 

It worked. He was making conversation with me and it felt easy and... charged. I wish I had stood even closer to him than I did! I already stood pretty close and he didn’t move an inch... Earlier when I was sitting down and called him over, he leaned into me to hear what I was saying and he got pretty close, too.. We could have almost kissed!

 

But that’s all we have right now. These little moments. And I wish they meant to him what they mean to me.

[S2B]

Are you expecting him to ask you out on a date?

 

He's not going to ask you out... he's married.

 

He will check to see if he can cheat with you - and that's what he's doing.

 

A date? Nope. To get laid for free? Yep

 

If it's any scenario that costs him money (which will be seen by his wife - a paper trail - and cause suspicion) he won't risk his comfy life at home.

 

He's waiting for you to invite him over for sex.

 

Expect sex only - nothing more - nothing less.

[GorillaTheater]

The unavailability factor magnifies an already incredibly intense situation. What an amazing experience it is.

 

 

Kind of like mixing a couple of different street opioids, I imagine.

[BaileyB]

He is probably enjoying the attention he is getting... It's a nice distraction from his hum-drum married life. It must be flattering to think that another woman would find him attractive. But, that's probably all he is feeling...

 

I agree, he's not going to ask you out on a date. Married people don't date. If they do, well... they that's a big red flag that they are not a very good partner.

[JJacobs]

I just read the comment about the paper trail and it made sense!! It might explain why his emails are different.

 

So he and I used to go back and forth with emails and it was pretty thrilling... The last couple of weeks he’s changed, when he initiates with a message to the group and I reply to only him, with a couple of sentences, he doesn’t continue. So I went back and checked the message recipients... His wife is the last recipient added to these last few messages!

 

Now, he uses his work email for all basketball communications, so I don’t know how she would see those... But he’s probably thinking ahead about my now having her email address! Paper trail. And in person he’s very flirty as long as his wife is not watching (games), and his wife’s friend (Camera Watch) is no longer around (practices)!

 

Thank you so much to S2B for making me think of this, this isn’t cheating on my side so I’ve failed to see it from his (scared) perspective!

 

I think you’re right about the sex... Hearing it put like that doesn’t bother me as much as I thought it would. Interesting!

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

So I went back and checked the message recipients... His wife is the last recipient added to these last few messages!

 

 

That's good. Maybe he asked her to keep him accountable so he doesn't do anything stupid.

[JJacobs]

That's good. Maybe he asked her to keep him accountable so he doesn't do anything stupid.

 

If you’re right, then this means he’s even more tempted than I thought he was! ?

 

And I was able to go back to early December emails, she had been added to some of those too but not all. I just hadn’t been paying attention, I didn’t even know he was married back then. I need to focus my attention from now on...

[JJacobs]

I have to say I’m finding that posting on this forum has been very helpful. It makes me consider things I wouldn’t otherwise consider!

 

And the more I revisit the chronology of behaviors, the more I see that he has made a decision - he was shy in person before, free in emails before. Now he’s shy in emails, bold in person. Why? Because now he has ulterior motives to turn this into something, even if it’s just sex.

 

He didn’t have anything to be careful of before. He does now. It’s interesting that my decision has happened later in the game... But it has definitely happened as well. The Psych major in me realizes that we need to pay attention when behaviors change. Mine has changed, just like his.

 

Will something actually happen here? I don’t know. I don’t see myself inviting him over for sex like S2B said. So maybe this will just be an enjoyable platonic crush and nothing else!

[BaileyB]

That's good. Maybe he asked her to keep him accountable so he doesn't do anything stupid.

 

Smart man.

 

Perhaps he feels that there is trouble brewing and wants to be transparent with his wife.

[JJacobs]

It could be - and he was already doing that before he and I started talking. Perhaps he has cheated before and is on probation? I don’t know.

 

Interesting statistic - only 12% of cheating men in a study reported that they did so because of sexual dissatisfaction. What was the number one reason for the others? Feeling UNAPPRECIATED. When men feel like they can’t win with their wives, they get out of the game, either physically by leaving, or emotionally by cheating.

 

But I would be very surprised if b-dad were a serial cheater who does it for sport. His willingness to engage me so far shows a couple of things: he has allowed the interaction to progress, he is becoming more interested overtime, he is taking precautions to ensure that anything between us does not hurt his marriage. Why? Because at least a small part of him has entertained the idea of letting this happen in real life, not only in our fantasies.

 

The difficult part is that I know how easy it would be for me to make him fall in love, if I wanted to. If I had access to him, it would not be difficult. Men are simple. But one thing at a time, that’s not my intention right now. A lot would need to happen before that kind of emotional seduction could begin. My ex-husband couldn’t hold on to my interest, but I still have his to this day. Because I know exactly how to act once I have access - my current problem is getting there, and for now I’m thankful for my hesitancy.

 

But b-dad’s risk of messing up his marriage right now is pretty low. I’m not aggressive, he needs encouragement. So those of you rooting against the affair might get your way! ?

[S2B]

Personally I think you are feeding his ego.

 

That makes for hot sex with his wife. Just pointing out what happens when a spouse starts flirting with someone outside the marriage - sex at home gets steamy.

 

And he gets an ego boost to boot.

[JJacobs]

Personally I think you are feeding his ego.

 

That makes for hot sex with his wife. Just pointing out what happens when a spouse starts flirting with someone outside the marriage - sex at home gets steamy.

 

And he gets an ego boost to boot.

 

Ha! That could be, but I highly doubt it right now. I heard him complaining to one of the coaches that his wife’s parents are visiting, have been there for weeks and will be for at least 10 more days... He seemed pretty stressed about it! I also saw him making irritable faces at his wife at the game last Saturday, they seemed to be arguing when she was handing him something... (I was too far away to overhear but he did not look happy.) He might get all the sex he needs, but I doubt that’s happening these days.

Edited February 9, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
unproductive to topic ~T

[BaileyB]

Ha! That could be, but I highly doubt it right now. I heard him complaining to one of the coaches that his wife’s parents are visiting, have been there for weeks and will be for at least 10 more days... He seemed pretty stressed about it! I also saw him making irritable faces at his wife at the game last Saturday, they seemed to be arguing when she was handing him something... (I was too far away to overhear but he did not look happy.) He might get all the sex he needs, but I doubt that’s happening these days.

 

Nobody ever knows what is happening in a marriage except for the two people who are in the marriage. Don't presume to know what is happening in their marriage. Especially because you have ulterior motives, it will surely color your perception.

[WorldInMyEyes]

Nobody ever knows what is happening in a marriage except for the two people who are in the marriage. Don't presume to know what is happening in their marriage. Especially because you have ulterior motives, it will surely color your perception.

LOL, not if one of the spouses is indicating to someone outside the marriage exactly what is happening within it . . .

 

B-dad is indicating exactly what is happening (or not) within his marriage. You think he actually has to say the words?

[JJacobs]

LOL, not if one of the spouses is indicating to someone outside the marriage exactly what is happening within it . . .

 

B-dad is indicating exactly what is happening (or not) within his marriage. You think he actually has to say the words?

 

World, as usual, you articulate exactly what I’m thinking! ?

 

Thanks for understanding what I’m going through, I’ve read some of your comments in other threads and you seem to be going through something similar! So you understand.

 

I’m counting the minutes to see him this morning ? He emailed the group yesterday afternoon and I haven’t replied. I’m going to try to keep our flirtation in person alone! It might give him some measure of trust - I mean, for all he knows I could be some crazy woman who would forward flirty emails to his wife!! He doesn’t know how discreet I am. Yet.

 

I’ll be back if there is anything to report today ?

[WorldInMyEyes]

World, as usual, you articulate exactly what I’m thinking! ?

 

Thanks for understanding what I’m going through, I’ve read some of your comments in other threads and you seem to be going through something similar! So you understand.

 

I’m counting the minutes to see him this morning ? He emailed the group yesterday afternoon and I haven’t replied. I’m going to try to keep our flirtation in person alone! It might give him some measure of trust - I mean, for all he knows I could be some crazy woman who would forward flirty emails to his wife!! He doesn’t know how discreet I am. Yet.

 

I’ll be back if there is anything to report today ?

Yeah, I'm in a very similar situation which is why I'm not guilt-tripping/judging you here. I obviously can't talk to anyone about it IRL so it's nice to know I'm not the only one involved in this kind of thing.

 

"I'm on Fire" from Bruce Springsteen and "Halo" from Depeche Mode are on my playlist right now, continuing your music theme. Those songs are very applicable to what we're both experiencing.