Found out Dad I was interested in is married?!

[Realitysux]

Op, have you considered that he hasn't responded to your emails personally letting you know of his dad's passing and that his wife is most likely the one consoling him during this time ?

[yajiuma]

With the death of his father being so recent it naturally would be a time for him to reflect on the importance of family-and perhaps the current state of his marriage to his wife.

 

If their marriage is generally in a good place I feel his father's passing may a have a chastening effect on any flirtations.

[anika99]

My impression is that this guy enjoys knowing the OP has a crush on him and enjoys her making googly eyes at him because it makes him feel attractive and desirable. His wife may find him desirable but after years of marriage sometimes the spouses opinion doesn't count as much because of familiarity. So the flirty eyes and emails from the OP has let this guy know he still has it and that's a boost to his ego but I don't get the impression that he's looking to cheat on his wife.

[BaileyB]

My impression is that this guy enjoys knowing the OP has a crush on him and enjoys her making googly eyes at him because it makes him feel attractive and desirable. His wife may find him desirable but after years of marriage sometimes the spouses opinion doesn't count as much because of familiarity. So the flirty eyes and emails from the OP has let this guy know he still has it and that's a boost to his ego but I don't get the impression that he's looking to cheat on his wife.

 

Absolutely. Other than stare back and be friendly toward OP and her son (which is a subjective interpretation of his behavior by a woman who is very clearly trying to see what she wants to see in this situation), he has done absolutely nothing to indicate that he has any interest in taking this any farther. I too think he is enjoying the attention, not prepared to cheat on his wife.

Edited February 25, 2018 by BaileyB

[WorldInMyEyes]

I took the time to observe him today. He looks pretty normal, joking around like he always does. But I do wish I could console him!

 

So are you and your married woman officially calling it an affair yet? Do you still have doubts about her interest?

We never speak of it, but it's always there just kind of bubbling underneath the surface. The underlying tension of both of us knowing exactly what's going on but never discussing it is incredibly erotic and intoxicating. Like a slow burn.

 

When we were kids, didn't our parents teach us that "it's not about the destination, but the journey"?

 

You and b-dad (and me and MW) are in the "journey" stage right now. Maybe b-dad is enjoying it just as much as we are. Anyone expecting him to try and rip your clothes off the next time he sees you might be disappointed to learn that this might take a while. Like a slow burn.

[healing light]

Ugh, just wrote a whole post that got deleted as I was about to hit send.

 

 

What journey? All that has come from months of OP-fueled pining and obsession on this thread is a couple of wife-friendly e-mails and furtive glances. So what? This woman is hot. I'm sure 99% of other red-blooded males notice and look her way, too.

 

This man is married. M-a-r-r-i-e-d. There's nothing in his interactions that leads me to believe that he is going to do anything more than look. I don't see him expressing his interest or dating the OP any time soon. All I see are benign interactions that are overanalyzed to fit a narrative of excitement by the OP.

 

I understand rarely finding yourself attracted to a man and the aspect of feeling like men are simultaneously attracted/intimidated by you (I also used to model). The bottom line is that this woman likely has her pick of men--the odds are good and perhaps the goods are odd--but has chosen to entertain herself with this non-viable, married man. There is probably something subconsciously that is keeping her from finding a guy who is available to her in every way, and looks is being used as the surface excuse.

 

I hope OP can untangle why she would allow someone like b-dad to take up so much of her emotional energy when he's given her literally nothing.... I'm sure it's a nice distraction, but at the end of the day, he's not there to even so much as hold her hand.

[BettyDraper]

OP, I'm worried about your mental health. I know that sounds harsh but my intent is to get you to see how your behavior is unhealthy. When I read your posts, it seems like I'm reading the words of a 12 year old girl with her first crush because your level of obsession is frightening. B-dad makes polite and innocuous gestures which you are determined to interpret as secret expressions of lust meant just for you. It could be helpful to see a psychiatrist.

[minimariah]

What journey?

 

EXACTLY - i find this entire thread incredibly disturbing. reminds me of a colleague, who confronted me out of nowhere, talking about a journey & a slow burn & this "connection" we both felt - i was BAFFLED, in my mind... i was just being nice and friendly and tried to network.

 

when your fantasy takes over your entire life, on a daily basis, you should be worried.

[jej90]

just go on.. and find someone better.

[JJacobs]

Posting this update since my last thread was closed, but I’ve been busy since Tuesday night, when we had practice. I hope it’s okay to post it this way, but I’m not sure!

 

Practice night started out well - he was driving his car right beside my son and I in the parking lot. He parked and I started walking faster so that he wouldn’t catch up to us. I needed some extra time.

 

But then my son wanted to change his sneakers in the hallway... I knew b-dad was coming. I was opening my son’s backpack and did not look up when I saw b-Dad turn the corner. He stopped and said, completely unprompted:”Last practice...” I said “Yes, I know!”, still not looking directly at him. He said “I can’t believe how quickly it’s gone by...”. I said “It really has!”. Still not looking at him.

 

He walked past us and I heard him saying and walking back toward me “I’m going to send out an email tomorrow about the celebration after the game on Saturday...”. This time, I stopped what I was doing, turned around completely so that I was facing him, and said “Oh yes! I had asked [Camera Watch] about that!” Then he gave me some details about what the league director had said and mentioned allergies, I smiled and said “Yes, I’m used to cooking nut-free for his school”. He smiled and we exchanged a few more pleasantries. I felt my interest in him sagging.

 

I couldn’t put my finger on why. My first thought was that he doesn’t drive a German car! ? But I don’t think that’s what it is. Maybe I’m just tired of all the mystery? Not sure, but I wasn’t engaged during practice, I spent most of the time looking at my phone.

 

My son and I left quickly and I made sure to sit in the back of the restaurant - I wanted to see if he’d seek me out on his way out the door.

 

He did!

 

The restaurant was crowded and I was far from the entrance, but still facing it. He walked by, looked inside the restaurant, stopped and waved goodbye at me. I waved back and he started mouthing something to me. I signaled that I couldn’t hear him... He knew this. He was not standing close enough for me to hear him!

 

And then he made his way through the crowded restaurant and came up to our table! He said “I’m going to send out that email tomorrow”. The same information he had already given me. ? I said “Great! Do you know how long the celebration will take?” He said “Probably about an hour”. I acted surprised and said “An hour?!”. He backtracked and said “No, no... Maybe more like 20 or 30 minutes...”. We continued to talk and I’m not sure exactly what we said.

 

Then he turned to my son and said “Can I have a bite?” My son just smiled. B-dad said “Maybe next time...”

 

I immediately felt as if he wanted me to ask him to join us. I stopped myself. A part of me knew exactly what would happen if I did. I felt sordid and guilty. I wanted to tell him “There won’t be a next time, we have run out of time.”. But I kept quiet and simply said goodbye to him. I still don’t know why.

 

So last night he finally sent out an email at around 9:00 pm! He wrote about the celebration and added “[My name] has offered to bring a dessert for the boys. (Thank you, [My name]!!). Now all the parents know... But that’s ok.

 

I replied to him at almost 10:00 pm, saying he was very welcome and that I’m also making basketball favor bags for the boys, so it should be a good end to the season. Nothing else... He replied to me at almost 10:30 pm, saying “That’s awesome! Thanks so much! See you Saturday.” This was only mildly interesting to me. I found myself not caring.

 

So this Saturday I’m baking sugar cookies and decorating them as basketballs, and the favor bags are ready to go... I can’t even say I’m looking forward to seeing him one last time. Maybe I’ve just lost all hope that he will make a move, or my conscience is getting too loud to ignore...

[JDJ]

JJacobs,

 

Great to hear an update. I was hoping to post on the other thread but was disappointed to see that it had closed.

 

I was surprised by the tone that some of the comments had taken there. You were criticized for crushing like a 12-year old girl, for losing your sanity, etc. But I think that is the point of having a crush, right? No matter what the age, we can all fall into these obsessions and crushes. And some of them lead to successful relationships. Those start out with the same crazy feelings.

 

Your writing and thought process always showed that you were clearly aware of what was happening to you, but you took some heat for putting it on display here.

 

I am on this board as a BS, and I would say that infidelity is wrong 99% of the time. But I wouldn't deny any one's true feelings, and be unable to recognize that sometimes these things do happen out of some real sense of compatibility. You have always been aware of those issues, and your posts are miles away from those who say things like "I don't know why, but I ended up sleeping with him". Again, I think it is only because you are such an articulate and vivid writer that you drew criticism.

 

As to the last update, it sounds like b-dad was definitely loitering, hoping that you would be the aggressive one and invite him to something that would continue or intensify the relationship. But you needed him to actually initiate something to keep the spark going. Given your understandable scruples, you needed some more urgency and desire from him. Not seeing that, the crush itself has deflated. My guess is that if he did openly approach you now, say after the party, you would be disappointed.

 

But you will be able to figure out from this exactly what it is you are looking for, what excites you. And that would help you in any future relationship, I hope.

 

Please keep posting and good luck!

[CatMinx]

JJacobs,

 

Great to hear an update. I was hoping to post on the other thread but was disappointed to see that it had closed.

 

I was surprised by the tone that some of the comments had taken there. You were criticized for crushing like a 12-year old girl, for losing your sanity, etc. But I think that is the point of having a crush, right? No matter what the age, we can all fall into these obsessions and crushes. And some of them lead to successful relationships. Those start out with the same crazy feelings.

 

Your writing and thought process always showed that you were clearly aware of what was happening to you, but you took some heat for putting it on display here.

 

I am on this board as a BS, and I would say that infidelity is wrong 99% of the time. But I wouldn't deny any one's true feelings, and be unable to recognize that sometimes these things do happen out of some real sense of compatibility. You have always been aware of those issues, and your posts are miles away from those who say things like "I don't know why, but I ended up sleeping with him". Again, I think it is only because you are such an articulate and vivid writer that you drew criticism.

 

As to the last update, it sounds like b-dad was definitely loitering, hoping that you would be the aggressive one and invite him to something that would continue or intensify the relationship. But you needed him to actually initiate something to keep the spark going. Given your understandable scruples, you needed some more urgency and desire from him. Not seeing that, the crush itself has deflated. My guess is that if he did openly approach you now, say after the party, you would be disappointed.

 

But you will be able to figure out from this exactly what it is you are looking for, what excites you. And that would help you in any future relationship, I hope.

 

Please keep posting and good luck!

 

A crush does not equate to deep feelings. And she drew criticism because she is knowingly chasing after man who is not only married but who has a connection to her child. If she continues to pursue this man, whether something happens or not, people will notice and her son could be punished for her actions.

 

I am critical because she's putting her libido before her child..good parents don't do this.

[JDJ]

A crush does not equate to deep feelings. And she drew criticism because she is knowingly chasing after man who is not only married but who has a connection to her child...

 

Her chasing after amounts to some eye contact and a couple of e-mails. It is only because she is honestly describing her thought process and is a great writer that it seems so dramatic. She is just working through what "could be". In terms of moral failings, it is more like Jimmy Carter's "lusting in his heart" than those of a Clinton or a Trump...

 

Now if only b-dad were here posting what he is thinking about when he is watching her at the basketball games...

[CatMinx]

Her chasing after amounts to some eye contact and a couple of e-mails. It is only because she is honestly describing her thought process and is a great writer that it seems so dramatic. She is just working through what "could be". In terms of moral failings, it is more like Jimmy Carter's "lusting in his heart" than those of a Clinton or a Trump...

 

Now if only b-dad were here posting what he is thinking about when he is watching her at the basketball games...

 

We’ll have to agree to disagree I suppose. I find her observations about him quite obsessive and potentially harmful. And the fact that she laughs off anyone who points out that this isn’t healthy and could hurt not only her, but her child, worries me. Her abundance of confidence in herself plus a massive crush on a married man is bound to end in disaster.

 

Truth be told, I don’t care nearly as much about his marital status (not that affairs are ever ok, and I was an OW myself) as I do about his ties to her child.

 

This is not just a sexy man, he’s an important figure in her sons life..likely a role model. How often do you hear athletes talking about how important their coaches are to them? Imagine what would happen to him if news of an affair got out. And the fact that she’s not at all bothered by the affect her actions could have on her baby is worrisome as well.

 

I have a friend whose father had an affair..she hasn’t spoken to him in over 15 years. That could be where OP is heading if she doesn’t nip this in the bud. She has mentioned her attractiveness over and over again, surely she could find someone without ties to her child to distract her.

 

I feel terrible for her son..she thinks she’s doing something for herself but she seems either unaware or dismissive of the affect this would have on her little boy.

[WorldInMyEyes]

JJ, what's your level of interaction with b-dad from a text/email standpoint? From his perspective, it might be a lot easier for him to escalate things with you that way. He can't exactly ask you out on a date in front of all the other parents and kids, you know?

[Popsicle]

Why did they close the other thread?

 

I guess the mods thought the story was over. lol

 

Anyway, I did predict early on that he would never make a move.

 

And yes, it does get boring when nothing happens.

 

Plus, the BB season is over, so now what? Even more boringness that's what! lol

 

If you don't meet another man in the off season, then you might spark it back up with B-dad when the new season starts.

 

Still don't think he'll make a move but this kind of is a good bridge to you dating other men, imho. It'll whet your whistle.

[WorldInMyEyes]

Why did they close the other thread?

 

I guess the mods thought the story was over. lol

 

Anyway, I did predict early on that he would never make a move.

 

And yes, it does get boring when nothing happens.

 

Plus, the BB season is over, so now what? Even more boringness that's what! lol

 

If you don't meet another man in the off season, then you might spark it back up with B-dad when the new season starts.

 

Still don't think he'll make a move but this kind of is a good bridge to you dating other men, imho. It'll whet your whistle.

Popsicle, what's your thought process behind knowing he won't make a move? Just curious, thanks.

[treehugger12]

I have read this whole thread before it was closed, I really think OP has read way to much into him, B-Dad is a huge fantasy of hers, if he was really interested, he easily could have gotten flirty with texts or emails and got the ball rolling, I know, it’s happened to me with a MM. He’s not interested, he very well could be happy in his marriage. She may have a pretty face but come on, what guy doesn’t look at a pretty face? Her behavior is obsessive, he has not made a move and now she acts like she’s not interested, she’s been rejected. Leave this MM alone and find yourself a single man. Your wasting your time and energy and potentially harming your son.

[Popsicle]

Popsicle, what's your thought process behind knowing he won't make a move? Just curious, thanks.

 

He’s scared! He has to deal with the double whammy of being afraid of getting caught and the fear of rejection.

[BaileyB]

So last night he finally sent out an email at around 9:00 pm! He wrote about the celebration and added “[My name] has offered to bring a dessert for the boys. (Thank you, [My name]!!). Now all the parents know... But that’s ok.

 

This statement is indicative of the problem with this whole situation. All the parents know what exactly? That you are bringing a dessert to the party?

 

This whole "relationship" has occurred in the OP head. B-ball dad has done absolutely nothing to indicate that he is interested in pursuing a relationship with this woman... He has noticed her, been friendly with her and her son, and that is all...

 

This is the thing when people begin to think that fantasy is their reality... they often feel let down by the reality of the situation.

Edited March 3, 2018 by BaileyB

[hippychick3]

So little has actually happened, that I don't even think his wife would feel threatened if she knew the whole story (pissed at this woman fantasizing about her husband, but not at her husband). Nothing he has done has indicated he would cheat on her.

[CatMinx]

He’s scared! He has to deal with the double whammy of being afraid of getting caught and the fear of rejection.

 

Or he’s just not interested..he hasn’t done much more than look at the OP and make some friendly comments. She could be completely misinterpreting his friendliness because of her feelings for him.