Found out Dad I was interested in is married?!

[treehugger12]

Is the fact that you know you can’t have him because he is married and off limits attracting you to him even more? What happens if you do sleep with him and then you really fall for him? Then what? He won’t leave his wife and family for you, most of them never do. A lot of people here will tell you that. Then you become obsessed with him and think about him constantly like you already are. Your already entering the affair fog, we all see it here. Then you end up wasting so much time, maybe years on this married guy. Then you’ll ask yourself, “what the hell was I thinking”? Your still young and beautiful, go get yourself a single guy you can have all to yourself and don’t have to worry about all the drama that comes with an affair.

 

I have a thought, watch the movie Fatal Attraction, maybe that will help??

[igotoverit]

You mentioned that you followed the rules and this time you don't want to. Has anything like this happened before? Maybe that will help you, or even us to help you work through this one.

[preraph]

I'm sure all the women are already watching to see what's going on. This type stuff does not go unnoticed. Sooner or later, if you're both lucky, someone will tip his wife off so that she will, from that time forward, accompany him to every event.

 

You can't expect women to trust you, when you are feeling that it's unfair that there are rules about married people. They're beyond rules. They're vows. Surely you know by now that these guys don't leave their wives for you. They bag you and then ruin your reputation bragging about how they bagged a model, and then go back to their wife. Women have acute intuition about these things. They can smell it when someone is sending men signals. You're not the only person for whom it's rare to see someone they're attracted to. That's not reserved for only the beautiful. It happens to a lot of us. That doesn't give you special dispensation, and you certainly know by now that no one will have sympathy for your "plight." So not sure what you think you gain.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I think you should maybe make an effort to befriend the wife! That way you won't be so tempted to get your mitts on her husband .

[JJacobs]

I have woken up with a smile on my face, because it’s been a long time since I’ve wanted anyone! And then the self-censuring starts.

 

Do I think badly of affairs? Of course! I grew up in a very religious household, hence my only having slept with two men. I can’t even begin to describe how difficult that has been. I have had to tell myself no my whole life - about men, food, angry outbursts, etc.. Let’s just say that I was raised to be well-behaved. I have very high standards for my behavior, how I run my household, who I am as a mother, daughter, sister, community member, etc..

 

I can’t find the post now but someone asked if I am more than my looks. Are you kidding me?? I spend my days volunteering at my son’s school, supporting three charities, dealing with my family, trying to cultivate friendships, running my home (I love homemaking. Martha Stewart is my idol), and still find time for the gym and hobbies like interior design. I am now in the process of decorating the beach house, which has helped to distract me from this man.

 

I don’t know why this is happening to me now. All I know is that I am SO tired of always sacrificing what I want in favor of what’s “right”. Yet, I understand the ramifications of what this behavior would cause.

 

I woke up fantasizing about him. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Would it work maybe if we only had sex once??? That’s it. No affair. Could I live with myself then? He would be nothing but a memory.

 

Other than all the sex, what’s on my mind is whether he really is the kind of man who would do that. He seems so... mild-mannered. It’s taken me a while to come up with this term. The other man I got involved with after my divorce was very alpha, aggressive, awesome in bed but the picture of narcissism. This man is completely different. Although, I’ve noticed him being very open and firm with the kids, with me his voice is a lot softer and he seems almost nervous. I’m sure this is just because I’m a parent, nothing else.

 

So there’s emotional attraction in addition to the physical. This I was not counting on! It makes it so different, and stronger. Now I catch myself dreading his wife being there on Tuesday, even though she’s never come to practice. But her Facebook profile keeps showing up first when I type the first letter of their last name into the search bar, which in Facebook lore gives you a clue as to whom might have looked at your profile recently. I’ve tested this over the years with alternative profiles and it’s definitely true. His profile used to be first - yesterday, hers was! So she might be checking me out.

 

I have an easy Sunday ahead, so I’ll spend more time trying to identify if I’m having an early mid-life crisis! ?

[JJacobs]

To follow up on an earlier post... This is definitely not about attention. Let me give you an example.

 

During the game yesterday, I went to buy a bottle of water. The restaurant has a long line, but I decide to do it anyway. Almost immediately, a guy comes up behind me and starts telling me he saw my beautiful eyes from the other side of the room! ? Then he goes on and on about my piercing eyes and women he has photographed before. I feel bad for him so I just say things like “Oh, really?” and “That’s nice”. Then he just will not stop, so I finally say “My husband would love that!” I hear a lot of muffled laughs from pretty much everyone else in line. The lady in front of me looks at me and mouths ”WOW!” I ask her a question and start talking to her to get him to leave me alone.

 

The only time this does not happen to me? When I stay home.

 

I am only saying this to illustrate that attention from men means nothing. Only attention from the man you actually want.

 

Although, if basketball dad told me about my piercing blue eyes, I would probably dissolve into a puddle. ?

[Vivir]

JJacobs, I just thought I would check back in on you... and ...

 

>sigh<

 

I am now in the process of decorating the beach house, which has helped to distract me from this man.

 

You may need more distractions. Can you think of any other good ones? I don't know if you can project into the future here, but if you can... imagine the absolute worst outcome you can think of... imagine that becomes your life.

 

I don’t know why this is happening to me now. All I know is that I am SO tired of always sacrificing what I want in favor of what’s “right”. Yet, I understand the ramifications of what this behavior would cause.

 

You're rationalizing. I agree with treehugger. You seem to be entering the affair fog. I did the same, and went through with it. It wasn't worth the hit to my self-esteem and sanity.

 

I do think it's great you understand the ramifications of what this behavior and future ACTION would cause. Undoubtedly, it will be worse than what you understand. I direct you back to the OM/OW forum for further evidence and additional research.

 

I woke up fantasizing about him. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Would it work maybe if we only had sex once?? That’s it. No affair. Could I live with myself then? He would be nothing but a memory.

STOP! I implore you. Find a way to refocus your mind as soon as this fantasizing starts. You are encouraging yourself. Project into the future. Imagine the embarrassment you will face in front of these other parents after the rumors start. Don't imagine sex with this man; imagine his wife walking in on you two having sex in their bed. Imagine her showing up to your home and harassing you. Imagine the good people at your charities learning of your extra-curricular activities with her husband.

 

IT WON'T JUST HAPPEN ONCE! Once you cross the line, it becomes easier to stay on that side of the line. Once you have sex with him, it will become easier to do it over and over again... and he will come to expect it... without having to put forth any effort because you have fantasized about him so much beforehand.

 

Furthermore, you are only seeing your side of things. Imagine what he is thinking - and imagine the absolute worst. Imagine what he could possibly do and then imagine what his wife could do. You've been a wife. What would you do? What could you have done to your ex-husband's OW?

 

Even if no one finds out, which isn't likely given your scenario, you and he would know.. and you wouldn't be able to take it back or control the narrative. You wouldn't be able to control the frame. He wouldn't be a memory. Trust me.

 

Other than all the sex, what’s on my mind is whether he really is the kind of man who would do that. He seems so... mild-mannered.

 

You'd be surprised. I direct you to the OM/OW forum for evidence and further research.

 

So there’s emotional attraction in addition to the physical. This I was not counting on! It makes it so different, and stronger. Now I catch myself dreading his wife being there on Tuesday, even though she’s never come to practice.

 

Emotions + Physical is the worst of them all. DON'T ACT ON IT! I implore you. If you keep imagining his wife, maybe you can turn this fantasizing around. As far as I am concerned, having her in your head is the BEST thing you could have where he is concerned.It is not worth it.

Edited January 14, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Repair formatting

[JJacobs]

Imagine what he is thinking - and imagine the absolute worst. Imagine what he could possibly do

 

What do you mean by this?

 

I think he’s thinking that I’m interested in him but too passive to do anything about it. I mean, for him to confirm that he’d see me this Tuesday with his wife right there, that was pretty forward of him. If that’s what he meant to do.

 

I’ve also found out that his wife attends the church my ex husband grew up attending. So if he attends with her, they’re a nice Christian couple, just like I was raised. So he’s probably not thinking about doing anything with me, it’s probably just my ego. I know you guys think he’s interested, but I’m trying very hard to assume that this is all in my head. I do get vibes from him. He did keep staring at my face with his hands on his hips as I spoke with another coach when he wasn’t part of the conversation. But what if he’s just a nice Christian guy who would never cheat on his wife and I’m playing the desperate role, which has never been me?!

 

I’m sorry if I keep posting in circles, it’s just a reflection of what’s inside of my head right now. I keep waiting for “the next time” to get either confirmation or denial of his interest. Then I can really decide. I’ve always said that anticipating problems that don’t exist is the worst way to go through life, and that might be what I’m doing. I keep telling myself he’s just a friendly good Christian who is happily married and wouldn’t cheat. That he’s not like other men.

 

To Vivir’s point, thinking about the wife helps. I’m telling myself that she has nothing to worry about because he hasn’t done anything. So it’s really just me and my feelings I need to deal with.

Edited January 14, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[No_Go]

I’m maybe repeating myself but nothing wrong fantasizing. This fantasy land crushes that we don’t act on are the zest of life, MUCH more powerful than any other dating experience.

 

If you don’t act on it, nothing to worry about. Your feelings just show you one thing: you’re alive

[JuneL]

I also found it odd that she would mention her (and the guy's potentially) being a Christian, as if it's more okay to cheat if one is not religious?! She also seems to have a hard time understanding that it's very easy for any woman to get lots of attention from men, especially low-quality men.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I think you are having some sort of mid-life crisis. It doesn't sound like you ever had a "rebellious" period in your life (neither did I....I was raised just like you even up through Christian college) and are sick of being the Stepford (ex) wife.

 

But, instead of cheating, how about letting some other things "go" that make you perfect? Instead of putting on all the makeup before leaving your bathroom in the morning, go to the game in a ponytail and no makeup. If you don't want all the attention from unwanted men in line for snacks, don't get all dolled up. I'm sure you're still pretty enough without makeup on.

 

Finally, my Christian husband cheated on me by soliciting sex, and finding it, on Craigslist. Don't assume that just because this man appears to be Christian he won't cheat. My own father sometimes preached in church and he cheated on my mother.

 

Like No Go said, nothing wrong with a fantasy. But don't ruin that woman's (the wife) life by taking her man.

[JuneL]

When you have such an obssession of some married guy who has shown only some very mild flirting (if that), it means you feel emptiness for certain aspect(s) of your life. Why don't you start meeting and dating available men? Are you confident that you can meet a guy who would genuinely love you for what you are, instead of all the makeup and grooming and all the volunteering work and all the religious activities in your CV?

[Vivir]

JJacobs,

 

I was just trying to help. I agree with No_Go to an extent. Fantasy is all well and good, but I cannot understand why anyone would advise you that fantasizing about a married man you have a strong interest in is a good idea.

 

Perhaps you are not susceptible to an affair; that is a good thing. I really do wish you the best of luck navigating these waters.

[WorldInMyEyes]

OP JJ,

 

What most people don't realize is that being a physically beautiful person is a very lonely experience. It's not that you can't find a date or whatever (you easily could if you wanted to), but it's that you're not attracted to anyone else. The mating pool for you is a tiny fraction of what it is for the average person. It sucks.

 

You found someone who's attracted to you and also who you're attracted to at the same time? Congratulations!! It's so rare for that to happen.

 

Here's the other thing. Most of the advice you're getting here is coming from people who were damaged because they had an affair. But I bet they sure enjoyed it while they were doing it, don't you think?

 

It's like overeating your favorite food to the point of nausea and telling everyone you meet never to do that because you ended up so sick. Then meeting an emaciated, starving, homeless person and telling them not to dive into that free buffet sitting there right in front of them.

 

This married dude is into you, and you're into him. Go for it, life is short and way too lonely for certain people.

[S2B]

OP JJ,

 

What most people don't realize is that being a physically beautiful person is a very lonely experience. It's not that you can't find a date or whatever (you easily could if you wanted to), but it's that you're not attracted to anyone else. The mating pool for you is a tiny fraction of what it is for the average person. It sucks.

 

You found someone who's attracted to you and also who you're attracted to at the same time? Congratulations!! It's so rare for that to happen.

 

Here's the other thing. Most of the advice you're getting here is coming from people who were damaged because they had an affair. But I bet they sure enjoyed it while they were doing it, don't you think?

 

It's like overeating your favorite food to the point of nausea and telling everyone you meet never to do that because you ended up so sick. Then meeting an emaciated, starving, homeless person and telling them not to dive into that free buffet sitting there right in front of them.

 

This married dude is into you, and you're into him. Go for it, life is short and way too lonely for certain people.

 

Being lonely is no reason to blow up a lot of people's lives.

[JJacobs]

All valid points, thank you.

 

I don’t know what to make of his apparent Christianity. But I know that he’s in IT Sales and he has lied to me before! But maybe it was a misunderstanding. (Guys in Sales always send up a red flag, for some reason.)

 

He sent out an email to all the parents and I replied asking if there would be practice on a certain date, let’s say the 28th. He replies clearly writing “The head of the league SAID there’d be no practice on the 21st, but I’ll confirm with her about the 28th.” (I had told him I could be there on the 28th after all - a change of plans.)

 

One day later he writes back apologizing, saying that maybe he just assumed there wouldn’t be practice on the 21st... So we’d have it on the 21st, but not on the 28th. He even went one step further and eliminated the email trail from his response that showed the message where he told me the head of the league had “said” it. This was SO early on, but it stuck with me, not just the initial statement but the subsequent (albeit flimsy) cover-up.

 

Of course, maybe he was genuinely confused. This doesn’t indicate that he would cheat. But half of me wishes it would.

 

Cautiously - Sorry about your husband! That must have been excruciating x especially with the background we both have.

 

Vivir - I got it, and agreed with your points.

 

World - You hit the nail on the head. I do feel like I’m starving and someone has just set a huge table of delicious food in front of me and said “Look, but don’t touch.” Is that how I want to continue to live?

 

And the situation is more difficult for someone who looks a certain way, not because of the same reason it is for most (rejection), but because at least in my case, attraction is very difficult. Physical attraction is difficult. Physical and emotional attraction, like it is with him, is almost unheard of in my life.

 

I have thoroughly enjoyed your post, of course, not only because it confirms that he is interested in taking it further (I assume if he wouldn’t cheat, he wouldn’t display his attraction), but because it reflects this very, very strong drive I’m having to go for it. It’s a pull that’s almost uncontrollable. But I’m still giving myself the benefit of the doubt, that I’ll do the right thing one more time. It is probably going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done, if I can actually stay away.

 

But tomorrow I’ll see him at night. I’ve updated my Facebook “about” to show my religion in case his wife does check it out. I’m already covering it up and there’s nothing there to cover up. I thought she would probably be less worried if she knew we have the same background, maybe because that’s how I felt about her husband’s propensity to cheat.

 

I’ll come back later to comment on some of the other posts if I have time, since today is a holiday and we will be out enjoying it!

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

But tomorrow I’ll see him at night. I’ve updated my Facebook “about” to show my religion in case his wife does check it out. I’m already covering it up and there’s nothing there to cover up. I thought she would probably be less worried if she knew we have the same background, maybe because that’s how I felt about her husband’s propensity to cheat.

 

Wait, so you're hiding behind Christianity to be better able to get away with stealing someone's husband? You updated your religion to put the wife at ease so you can more easily swoop in? This is really a new low, I'm sorry. It feels actually like blasphemy. Wow.

 

On another note, do you feel like you are entitled to a man whose attractiveness matches or exceeds yours? I'm wondering why the "pool is so small" for you?

[Popsicle]

Wait, so you're hiding behind Christianity to be better able to get away with stealing someone's husband? You updated your religion to put the wife at ease so you can more easily swoop in? This is really a new low, I'm sorry. It feels actually like blasphemy. Wow.

 

On another note, do you feel like you are entitled to a man whose attractiveness matches or exceeds yours? I'm wondering why the "pool is so small" for you?

 

Maybe she’s regretting what has transpired so far and is trying to make it right now. At least I hope.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Maybe she’s regretting what has transpired so far and is trying to make it right now. At least I hope.

 

I hope you're right and I just misunderstood.

[Popsicle]

I hope you're right and I just misunderstood.

 

As long as she veers AWAY from the “I’m lonely” excuse then she can stop this in its tracks.

Edited January 15, 2018 by Popsicle

[lana-banana]

What does this guy represent that makes him so compelling to you? The idea of breaking the rules? Feeling desired by a handsome man? Losing control? If you can figure this out, you can stop yourself before it's too late.

 

Spend some time on The Other Man/Woman subforum. There are almost zero stories on this entire site where affairs ended well. Things seem to go from exciting fantasies to dramatic rollercoasters (this is the part most people crave) to abject misery in short order. And they don't come without consequences: people get hurt, badly, and the fallout ripples across families.

 

This man is not available to you. Yes, crushes are fine, but married people are off-limits. When your crush has progressed to the point of planning it's gone way too far.

[JJacobs]

Cautiously, that’s not what I meant to do at all! I already feel guilty because she might have felt some vibes from her husband, and in the past women have felt threatened by me, so I wanted to let her know, IF she is worried (this is all conjecture), that my faith might keep me grounded. In other words - I am less of a threat than a woman who has slept with countless married men, for example.

 

I always put myself in other people’s shoes - she is averagely attractive but looks a few years older, and I know we as women always compare ourselves to each other. If I were in her shoes, I’d be worried - changing that on Facebook was a way of letting her know that we are more alike than different. If that makes sense.

 

No Go has interpreted my thoughts a lot more eloquently than I ever could. If I were the kind of woman who is ready to jump into bed with anyone, I’d have done it with him already. I’m very much about letting men chase me (I thoroughly enjoy it), but I wasn’t born yesterday - it doesn’t take more than a few smiles and suggestive comments for a man to make a move. If anything, I’ve been extra careful to keep my distance (and to quote what someone asked once, why did I sit behind his wife - we belong to the same team, all the parents sit together).

 

Anytime there has been staring, it was me catching him doing it, not the other way around. I haven’t encouraged him in any way - but in my head, he is all I want.

 

This does not mean that I’ll throw caution to the wind and let loneliness take the lead. But I am worried about something - what if he comes on to me without encouragement? I don’t think I’d be strong enough. I’d cave. It would be too much.

 

Maybe he’s in the same boat about his desire and would wait for me to make a move, which will never happen.

 

My life feels like a soap opera. ?

[Popsicle]

Oh you can bank on it. He’ll be too scared to make a move and so you’ll be safe.

 

He will continue to awkwardly flirt with you though but never make a move. You can make of that what you want.

[lana-banana]

My life feels like a soap opera. ?

 

From what I can tell he's a married man who occasionally looks at you. From your perspective it's a soap opera. Honestly, it sounds as though you *want* it to be a soap opera. Is there anything you could do with your life that would engage your intellect and imagination? Arts, music, any kind of creative expression?

 

There is a big difference between "ooh, he's cute!" and "if he made a move, I'd never be able to resist even though his wife is so nice, my life is so dramatic and intense!" When you're at the point where it's affecting your life this much, it's kinda out of hand.

[Popsicle]

Meh, She’s just a little bored and lonely and needs to refocus elsewhere, That’s all. She’s not doing too much wrong.