Getting family back after HUGE argument.

[PetraP]

I witnessed to grossest thing anyone could see. My husband and I are swingers, by no means hardcore, maybe 8-10 times a year. So we were at a party the middle of last year and I was watching a woman who was with multiple others, and when I saw her face it was my Mom. She didn’t see me, I was out of there so quick looking for my husband so we could leave, but that image will be burned in my mind forever. Hubby was with a couple and I was trying to get his attention when my Dad saw him and pretty much went nuts, asking what he was doing here. I had to show myself and intervene and that just made Dad worse. We just left, what else could we do?

 

The problem is that now Mom and Dad hate him. They think he has corrupted me and lead me into this. Not that it matters but it was my idea. I’ve told them that but they refuse to listen. They actively try and get me to leave him. They’ve told my sisters about what happened, outing obviously us but also themselves. Both my sisters now hate him too. It doesn’t matter what I say to any of them. They just keep piling the hate on him.

 

I just can’t believe what hypocrites they all are. I have no idea how long they’ve been doing it but for Mom to be doing what she was I don’t think it was anywhere near her first time, yet they hate us for doing it. And my sisters hate him so much but still are ok with our parents. Why?

 

I’ve tried to call a family meeting over this but both times it’s just ended in an attack on my husband and calls for me to leave him. Apparently he's warped me, he's abused me, he's cheated on me, he's disrespected me, the list goes on and on. But when it comes to Mom and Dad, well they're older so they can make their own informed decisions. I'm 24, not 12.

 

If these were friends I would just accept the loss and reluctantly walk away, but these are my family. I want to see them and my nieces and nephews, and I want my kids to know their cousins, but we are excluded from most family events. My sisters never just drop in anymore like they used to.

 

We were invited to Christmas but it was awkward. I was in the kitchen with my sister’s husband at one point and she came storming in just to check that I “wasn’t up to something” because she knows how much I love to “sleep around”. It hurts to hear that, that she would even think it. Especially coming from her, she has cheated on her husband THREE times but he only knows about one and forgave her. I so nearly spilled the beans right there and then. And of course Mom and Dad forgave him as well.

 

So what’s going on? Why are they so against us when the rest of my family are no angels themselves? But more importantly, does anyone have any ideas on how to fix this mess? I’m spent, I’m out of ideas, I just want my family back.

[healing light]

This is so ridiculous and hypocritical that I would just refrain from speaking to them for a while if I were you. I might give them a one or two line email saying that you would love to restore the family relationship when they're ready to be respectful of your decisions, seeing as how they were also participating in the same activities. And that in the meantime, you love them all and wish them well. Let them miss you and they might be more careful with their words next time.

[Mr. Lucky]

My husband and I are swingers, by no means hardcore, maybe 8-10 times a year.

 

I was watching a woman who was with multiple others, and when I saw her face it was my Mom.

 

she has cheated on her husband THREE times but he only knows about one and forgave her.

 

You guys are one busy family.

 

I don't judge but obviously, members of your family do. Since they all seem to be engaged in similar activities, why do you think they've been so hard on you?

 

Mr. Lucky

[SammySammy]

This is so strange. The parents are swingers, but they are shocked, surprised, and disappointed their daughter is a swinger too. Not to mention the hypocritical sister.

 

In my experience, swingers are among the least judgmental people. I have no clue what’s going on with your family.

 

If I were in that situation, I’d deal with by setting some boundaries. Let them know their behavior is problematic and must stop. Wouldn’t beat around the bush about it. Handle it straight on. If they wouldn’t stop, then I would limit my interactions with them. Enforce the boundaries. Pull back until they understood that we will treat each other with respect regardless of the decisions we make.

 

I would NOT argue with anyone about it again. Would NOT get defensive. Would NOT try to explain or justify your decision. You’re an adult and have the right to make the same decision your parents made. We’re going to treat each other with respect or else. That goes for Dad, Mom, sister or anybody else who has a wild hair up their rear.

[PetraP]

In my experience, swingers are among the least judgmental people. I have no clue what’s going on with your family.

 

It's just ridiculous isn't it? If it was just me, as much as I would hurt, I would walk away until they showed me some respect. I'm more concerned about all the kids. Luckily mine is only 18 months old so cannot understand, but my nieces and nephews range up in age to 14. They now miss out on me, I miss out on them and they miss out on their cousin as she grows. It's sad. If it was based off something terrible I had done then there's legitimate reasons, but over some light swinging?

[Miss Clavel]

glass houses, stones.

 

tell them it seems to make your mother happy and daddy doesn't have a problem with it, so you and your husband are gonna keep right on doing it.

 

lie. tell them you and your husband have quit. then do your best not to run into any of your relatives when you're swinging.

 

tell your sister, "keep it up and i'll out you to your husband". then ask her "why the hell would i cheat on my husband, behind his back when i can get any man i want, including yours?

 

give your sister the addy of the next swingers meeting, she needs it.

[2much4]

This might be about something else.

Usually, when I react this strongly about something someone did it's because I didn't like them to beginn with (but kept quiet about it).

 

Do they have other reasons to dislike your husband?

[anika99]

This might be about something else.

Usually, when I react this strongly about something someone did it's because I didn't like them to beginn with (but kept quiet about it).

 

Do they have other reasons to dislike your husband?

 

Exactly my thought. I have a strong suspicion that your family strongly disliked your husband long before the swinging incident. I think they already thought your husband was disrespectful and abusing you and the swingers party gave them an outlet to let their feelings be known. Perhaps they have a valid dislike of your husband, perhaps they don't. Only they and you know the full story.

[kgcolonel]

Maybe a different issue....when an act or characteristic troubles me more than it should, it is because I struggle with that same issue or trait, i.e. insecurity or jealousy for example (not my personal issues but good examples).

 

That said, I'll bet there is some deep dark shame for what your parents are doing and they are projecting on your husband...why your husband you may ask?...They can't blame you as their daughter because that would reflect poorly on them as parents so, it has to be your husbands fault that he "got you involved in this activity".

 

I personally do not think this is fixable because they have a scorched earth practice and have shared this with the rest of the family. Now, it's not just your parents but also your siblings. My suggestion is to withdraw and associate with those who will accept you for who you are.....you'll miss them but you'll also feel much more accepted and happy.