Seeing mutual friends but my ex might be there

[Flove]

Hi everyone!

 

I'm in a bit of a difficult situation where I can't decide what to do. Maybe you have some advice or insights? Okay here goes:

 

I have a bad boy ex. Someone I loved so so hard but he toyed with my feelings. We shared an amazing group of friends. I love those friends, however they're all male and half of that group are his childhood friends. However I met these people when my EX and I were just casual acquaintances.

 

We fell in love after the group of friends already hung out for a year or so. We had a relationship for 10 months. He broke up with me. And the following 6 months he started messing with me. Saying he still loved me, after a few weeks spent together he said he didn't love me anymore. I tried letting go and after a few weeks of NC there he was again, saying I had to come over. Taking me on dates. Making "love" to me. You know, using me as an emotional blanket and taking advantage of my feelings so he could get sex and care.

 

Once he had enough, he would cut me off again. Saying I was crazy and delusional. That he's always been clear to me. That i'm ridiculous. I'd get angry and go NC, date other people and as soon as he noticed, there he was again.

 

He broke my heart, made me feel stupid, made me hate myself, doubt every single thing I did or said. I'm not perfect, I know. And I've made a lot of mistakes during our relationship, but I've realized them, atoned for them and said my apologies. But he kept stringing me along after the relationship and using me. And for a lonnnnng time I thought it was my fault. I was just stupid for misunderstanding. That I'm dumb and naive.

 

Anyways, we got into another fight 7 months ago when he said: I just never loved you enough to have a relationship with you. Only sex and hanging out. I was crushed. So crushed. But not long before that conversation I had met someone new. That wonderful man has been my boyfriend for 5 months now. He's amazing.

 

I do still miss my a-hole ex. I can't help it. But we don't talk, he leaves me alone. I don't bother him. I just think about him (too much still). He was my first "grand" love. I do however want my friends back. Ive stayed away for 6 months. Not going to parties with them or going out or having fun, cause my ex is there and I didn't want to see him.

 

Now our friends have suggested another get together, going for drinks with the whole group. And I want to go. I miss the old days. But that a-hole will be there and I really dislike him to my core. I hate how he made me feel, he broke me and I can't (yet) forgive him. Our friends have always chosen him though. They said I was silly for believing him when he said he loved me. They say it's just as much my fault as his for being strung along. I think that's bull****. If my ex respected me he wouldve left me alone after the break up, so I could heal.

 

But a lot of time has passed and I miss them! Should i meet up with them eventhough my EX is there?

 

What do you think? Good or bad idea?

[Frostedflake]

Our friends have always chosen him though. They said I was silly for believing him when he said he loved me. They say it's just as much my fault as his for being strung along.

 

Uhh, nope. Don't meet up. Because your friends sound terrible and it's gonna be an example night of a carcass among lions. 100% chance of getting torn apart if you show any discomfort in the situation.

Find new friends. Stay away from the ex.

[d0nnivain]

I don't think you are strong enough to go & not be used or crushed. So you need to stay away.

[Seymore]

I hate to say it but you may have to cut some people out of your life, possibly start all over. My ex was an abuser and when I left her, any time I spoke to a mutual friend, they'd relay everything I was doing or saying back to my ex. Then my ex would get worked up and start stalking me again. I couldn't trust anyone anymore, and no matter how often I said that discussing my ex was off the table, they'd still push - I even heard "If you love her you'll give her another chance". I felt like saying "If I give her another chance she could break my neck, idiot."

 

When I couldn't attend their parties because my ex would be there, they'd get upset with me, even when I would offer to take the birthday person out one on one at another date.

 

So here I've been, back to square one. Having a dozen or so friends...POOF...to just one - and we've been friends for over 30 years. If they can't respect your feelings and put you down over them, they're not friends anyway.

Edited January 10, 2018 by Seymore

[Zahara]

They say it's just as much my fault as his for being strung along. I think that's bull****. If my ex respected me he wouldve left me alone after the break up, so I could heal.

 

No one can string you along unless you let them. There is truth to what they're saying in that you need to also take responsibility for your own actions in that you allowed him to play you, not once but over and over again. You should have respected yourself rather than put the onus on him.

 

In future, if you place the responsibility on others to care for your wellbeing, you will be in sorely disappointed. The saying "fool me once...comes to mind.

 

But a lot of time has passed and I miss them! Should i meet up with them eventhough my EX is there? What do you think? Good or bad idea?

 

Bad idea. It doesn't seem like you have fully moved on from him. Sometimes you have to let go of some of your past in order to move into the future. You have decades infront of you, with people that will come and go -- keep moving forward.

Edited January 10, 2018 by Zahara

[stillafool]

Aren't these friends his friends and all males anyway? You place too much blame on your ex for your state of mind. It is up to you to protect your heart, not him. When he treated you awful blame yourself for taking him back. Until you accept responsibility for your own pain you will never heal. No you shouldn't go to this function to try to see your ex. Hang out with your bf instead.

[d0nnivain]

In another thread from December -- just a few weeks ago -- you talk about a new BF who you have been with for about 6 months.

 

Is he invited to this reunion? Does he think it's a good idea to go? If you are even thinking about going behind the new BF's back, that alone should tell you what a bad idea this is.

[Flove]

Im not saying it is all his fault. I got fooled one to many times. But still it was not right of him to treat me that way. He knew how much I loved him and he just lied and lied time and time again. I know I shouldnt put the blame for my wellbeing on another. But he ruined my damn life for a whole year. He killed my confidence, my lust for life, my ambitions, my self worth and my health. I wish I could explain how hurt I was..

 

Im still healing from all the damage. But youre all right. I shouldnt meet with them and leave those friends behind. It just hurts that he walked away from me with being able to use me, never apologize for any fault, and keep our friends while being completely happy and working on his career.

 

I feel so stupid and weak for caring so much,, for letting myself get fooled and not being strong enough to interact with our friends.

 

It feels like he got it all and I have thousands of broken pieces that im still fixing. I struggle with my mental health ever since this all happened. And im the one losing friends and opportunities.

 

I am trying my best to give my all for my current relationship. He is worth it. And im trying hard to improve my career. But it never feels enough. I keep feeling like a weak idiot who got played over and over again. I feel less than him.

[Flove]

In another thread from December -- just a few weeks ago -- you talk about a new BF who you have been with for about 6 months.

 

Is he invited to this reunion? Does he think it's a good idea to go? If you are even thinking about going behind the new BF's back, that alone should tell you what a bad idea this is.

 

He knows and says I should try and hang out without my ex and only the other guys. But they are reluctant. Suggesting that: what is done is done and I should just Get over it and be friends with him. Since its in the past.

[Flove]

Im sorry. I guess im playing too much of a victim. Im just ashamed.. I have already apologised. Ive hurt. Ive paid my dues. I keep feeling ashamed that i fell so deep. @stillafool. I do accept my faults. But he just walked away unscathed and im left with shame. It sucks..

[BC1980]

I wouldn't go if I were you. It sounds like you are still too upset and not in a strong enough place to go. Maybe at some point, you can go hang out where he will be, but today doesn't seem like that day. It's also not a big event like a wedding or a graduation. It's just hanging out with friends. If it were a big event that you couldn't miss, I would say to go. But not just to hang out.

[magnesium]

Im not saying it is all his fault. I got fooled one to many times. But still it was not right of him to treat me that way. He knew how much I loved him and he just lied and lied time and time again. I know I shouldnt put the blame for my wellbeing on another. But he ruined my damn life for a whole year. He killed my confidence, my lust for life, my ambitions, my self worth and my health. I wish I could explain how hurt I was..

 

I've been exactly where you are. I had to leave my social group too after I got out of an abusive relationship with a narcissistic, substance-abusing woman who was a part of the same social group.

 

You were disrespected, and now the rest of the social group will view you in a negative light too. Nobody will ever mention it, but sides were unconsciously chosen by your friends, and you can tell when a friend has your back, and when they don't.

 

Life is too short to be with people who betray you. Start over from scratch, drop them.

[CollegeKid101]

Don't go. These guys aren't your real friends..it seems like you're more of a joke to them because of this a-hole of an ex! No friend would insist you just get over something. They do not care about your feelings. Try to find new friends and enjoy the guy whose been good to you, just make sure you're not leading him on or allowing him to fall for you while he's a rebound..I did that after my first love and felt really bad when I realized it 7 months in.

[magnesium]

Im sorry. I guess im playing too much of a victim. Im just ashamed.. I have already apologised. Ive hurt. Ive paid my dues. I keep feeling ashamed that i fell so deep. @stillafool. I do accept my faults. But he just walked away unscathed and im left with shame. It sucks..

 

Flove, there is a difference between being victimized (which you were, by your ex) and being a victim (a dis-empowering mindset).

[Seymore]

I've been exactly where you are. I had to leave my social group too after I got out of an abusive relationship with a narcissistic, substance-abusing woman who was a part of the same social group.

 

You were disrespected, and now the rest of the social group will view you in a negative light too. Nobody will ever mention it, but sides were unconsciously chosen by your friends, and you can tell when a friend has your back, and when they don't.

 

Life is too short to be with people who betray you. Start over from scratch, drop them.

 

Holy cow - are we the same person? LOL

[Flove]

Thank you all for your support, advice and opinions. It means a lot.

The friends might always chose his side but they keep inviting me, saying they miss me or sending me sad messages. Thats why I always feel like they do care about me.

 

Well maybe they do for Some part. But they don’t understand the hurt or what actually happened between me and the ex. I have tried explaining before but they don’t seem to understand. Probably because I get sad or angry when I try to explain. Im too emotional so they act as if im a dramaqueen and overreacting. But they don’t know anything. They never chose to see my side. For them its as simple as ABC.

[Flove]

Flove, there is a difference between being victimized (which you were, by your ex) and being a victim (a dis-empowering mindset).

 

Never thought of it that way. I think I had a disempowering mindset for a long time. Its better now. But still I cant forgive my ex or help but feel weak and stupid when it comes to the past.

 

I do actively try and learn about the whole thing. So I can make the best of my current relationship.

[BC1980]

Thank you all for your support, advice and opinions. It means a lot.

The friends might always chose his side but they keep inviting me, saying they miss me or sending me sad messages. Thats why I always feel like they do care about me.

 

Well maybe they do for Some part. But they don’t understand the hurt or what actually happened between me and the ex. I have tried explaining before but they don’t seem to understand. Probably because I get sad or angry when I try to explain. Im too emotional so they act as if im a dramaqueen and overreacting. But they don’t know anything. They never chose to see my side. For them its as simple as ABC.

 

Mutual friends don't understand and won't take a side. They are going to stay out of it and remain neutral. Unfortunately, when a relationship ends, friendships can also end or change. You will lose some people along the way.

[stillafool]

Im sorry. I guess im playing too much of a victim. Im just ashamed.. I have already apologised. Ive hurt. Ive paid my dues. I keep feeling ashamed that i fell so deep. @stillafool. I do accept my faults. But he just walked away unscathed and im left with shame. It sucks..

 

What shame are you talking about? Loving someone isn't shameful nor is losing someone.

[stillafool]

Thank you all for your support, advice and opinions. It means a lot.

The friends might always chose his side but they keep inviting me, saying they miss me or sending me sad messages. Thats why I always feel like they do care about me.

 

Well maybe they do for Some part. But they don’t understand the hurt or what actually happened between me and the ex. I have tried explaining before but they don’t seem to understand. Probably because I get sad or angry when I try to explain. Im too emotional so they act as if im a dramaqueen and overreacting. But they don’t know anything. They never chose to see my side. For them its as simple as ABC.

 

Perhaps it would be better to hang out with your friends and not the ex's. You should be making new memories with your new guy.

[Flove]

Thank you for your advice.

 

I have decided not to go. Again they gave some sad replies. And I know my ex and they will think it's stupid that I'm not showing up. He once told them that I was immature because I had blocked him on social media (I went NC a few times, when I had a hard time processing).

 

I care too much about what these people think, which is stupid but I have a hard time shaking the feeling. Most of them have never had a relationship and those who have, haven't really been hurt. We're all 20 somethings. So I know they don't know any better.

 

But I organised a dinner with my boyfriend tonight, I'm cooking for him! that will hopefully shake off some bad vibes.

 

I just want to let the hurt all go but too much has happened for me to reconcile (in a friendly way) with my EX and all that surrounds him.

[magnesium]

Thank you for your advice.

 

I have decided not to go. Again they gave some sad replies. And I know my ex and they will think it's stupid that I'm not showing up. He once told them that I was immature because I had blocked him on social media (I went NC a few times, when I had a hard time processing).

 

Good call.

 

Most outsiders will minimize these types of situations partially because they don't get it, and also they may be trying to keep their peace on both sides. They may even being trying to ease their guilt by being nice and trying to invite you back to the group.

 

But clearly you got the short end of the stick in that relationship, any objective person can see that. However, your ex's friends are biased in their perspective, and...I don't know about you...but for me that's a form of betrayal too.

 

But whether you want to call it betrayal or not...that's your call.

Edited January 11, 2018 by magnesium

[Seymore]

People who have half the story but act like they know the whole thing suck. And people who have half the story and judge you without your half are not friends.

[mayonnaise]

No. It's never a good idea.