Commitment Phobic Partner

[Sheeta]

Okay, this will probably be a long text since it's so much I feel like I need to write down to explain the whole situation. So let's go.

 

I got to know my boyfriend (who lives in another country) over his Twitch stream that I randomly found. I watched him a while and enjoyed the way he interacted with people and was quite interested in his looks as well. So I stuck by and also joined his community. We talked occassionally, played games together and just had fun.

At some point we somehow started to talk more in private and to flirt with each other more and more. Having discussions of what we enjoy with partners that went on for more than 10 hours straight, suddenly realising that it was 7am and we just wrote about all of this stuff the whole night.

Eventually we started to talk and cam in private almost daily, laughing, talking about what just came to our minds and playing games. Or we just watched a movie together.

At this time he still had interest in another woman and he was about to meet her to see what he wants but it was obvious that he already had interest in me as well. So I told him to do what he thinks is best for him and waited for his response after the meet up.

So while he was out travelling we still continued to flirt, you could even say "sexted" a lot as well.

After he met this woman he told me that he sees no sense in becoming closer with her. That made me really happy obviously since I was quite interested in him at this time already. He also told me that he is quite interested in me as well and that he'd love to see where this is going with us. So we continued to spend time with each other. Talking, caming etc. I wanted to give him time to get to know me since he worded that he doesn't want to jump into anything.

After about 2 months of this going on he randomly worded that "all the couples are playing atm" since a few of our friends where in the same game as we were while talking to each other in private. So I jokingly said "So are we a couple now?" and he said "Sure we are, aren't we?". So at this point we kinda were a couple I guess, since I also didn't feel like denying him 'cause it made me happy.

The first 2 or so months it kinda felt a little off tho since he rarely opened himself to me on a personal level. Talking about private things like family etc. was really hard on him. Also showing me affection was quite an issue, even wording in public that I was his girlfriend wasn't that easy. But slowly he opened up to me more, began to send me loving messages as well, started to send me hearts on a regular basis and also had no big problem anymore with telling others that I "belong" to him or almost brag with me. He still didn't let me see into his deeper personal thoughts but I was determined to give him time.

So after 4 months of dating the first meet up happened, I visited over New Years for about 1 1/2 years. I didn't come with the expectation that anything really intimate will happen but I of course was expecting some affection like hugging and kissing. (I am a person who needs a lot of affection in relationships and I also show a lot of affection.)

So the first three days it was the occassional hugging and me cuddling onto him while we watched a movie or played a game. He rarely showed affection back but I assumed he's just unsure what to do. He was fine with me kissing him on the cheek and hugging him randomly so I was a bit wary but okay with it.

After about 4 days I finally dared to ask if he'd kiss me. Well, we kissed and it felt nice but it also felt like there is something cornering him. Like if he wants to go for it but at the same time doesn't. When we were about to sleep it felt like there was this invisible wall built up between us, he felt out of reach.

The evening before I left we had a discussion since he mentioned something around the line "I also need to decide where I want this relationship to go.", so I asked what he meant.

So he told me that he's really afraid to commit to things and that he feels so confused since he has this "loving and affectionate woman" in fron of him and can't give her the affection and love she obviously expects and also deserves. So I asked him if he still wants to continue what we have and he answered with a "Yes". He also asked me if I'm willing to help him to be able to show affection for me at some point since the feelings are there. I agreed and with that the meet up was basically over. We said our goodbyes the next day, kissed us and I flew home.

When I arrived home we wanted to talk and cam again. We did but it kinda turned out into another discussion about this whole topic. I asked him on my way home if I can visit him in March again to get to know him irl a bit more and he agreed at first. So we talked about all of this again, I told him that he felt out of reach sometimes when I was there and that I'd really like to be able to reach him emotionally at some point. He obviously felt really conflicted and suddenly said he doesn't want me to visit again. He also told me that he wishes he could "clone me but in male" so I could have someone in my life who'd be willing to give me the affection and love I give to others and especially my partner because I deserve so.

I told him that I wouldn't want that and that I want him.

So we discussed a bit more and at some point I had enough and asked straight away "Do you still want me to help you? Do you want me to stay by your side?" He answered that he wants me by his side but at the same time he doesn't. He also worded that he wants attention and friends but at the same time he despises it and just wants everyone to leave him alone. To the question with me helping I added that I want a Yes or No from him, so "inbetween". So he thought for a while and answered "No, thank you.". Which hurt and confused me a lot. Since he said just a few hour ago that he wants me to help. Into my face, not over cam or voice call. I was actually so hurt that I said something around the lines "So I was a game for you after all, I see. So that's how a heartbreak feels like, huh?" and he just stood silent. After a while of silence I apologised for saying this since it was quite cruel of a wording and also told him that I'm too stubborn to give up on him. So we remained a couple and still are.

The next day he also told me that this whole commitment issue probably comes from a relationship he had 2 years ago. It went on for 4 years and ended in a way he didn't want it to end. It came sudden and he feels like it could've been avoided but he also knew it is for the best that it ends.

Now he suddenly stopped being the way he was before the meet up. He doesn't go with me playfully flirting with him and also avoids it at all costs to send me sweet messages. If I send a good morning message, calling him handsome man or something around that he normally answered me with calling me "pretty lady" etc. Nothing like this anymore. No hearts, just platonic small talk.

We still talk and cam every evening and play games but he feels so far away atm and it hurts me a lot.

So I'm kind of at a loss of what to do. I know that he has feelings for me but right now I feel like I just burried all of those feelings by discussing everything we did. And I really want to be able to win him back, to be able to slowly destroy the wall he built up.

 

Sorry for the wall of text and respect to everyone who read all of it. I really hope some people can give me some tips and maybe help to ease my mind a little. Cause atm I feel like I'm stuck in a hole and I can't get out.

[FilterCoffee]

Hey Sheeta,

 

I don’t know if you’re going to like what I’m about to say but I think you should move on. At the moment, he’s so stuck in the past that he’s not going to give you the attention that you want. Plus, living in different countries makes it harder for you to gauge his personality which would have happened a lot faster if you two could meet more frequently. You have showed desire to take the relationship to the next level but he keeps hesitating. I don’t think you should try to change him because that would just leave you more frustrated. If I were you, I would definitely cut my losses and move on because these kind of relationships can go on for years with little to no progress.

[Zahara]

So I'm kind of at a loss of what to do. I know that he has feelings for me but right now I feel like I just burried all of those feelings by discussing everything we did. And I really want to be able to win him back, to be able to slowly destroy the wall he built up.

 

He isn't interested in you, OP. The "wall" he's put up is his way of excusing himself out of this.

 

At the beginning when two people are getting to know each other, things are exciting and new and usually both are on a high. He likely met you and decided he couldn't go through with anything more with you (whatever his reasons) and often the test is when you meet face to face, not when you're creating a virtual image of each other over gaming. Unfortunately, after he met you, he changed his mind.

 

Stop chasing the guy. He's been very clear about where he stands with you. I know it's hard to let go of the initial high you had with him, but he's showing you who he is now. And don't try to change people -- accept when they do not want to be with you.

[justwhoiam]

Hi Sheeta,

 

Welcome to LS.

 

I had the same thoughts as Zahara's. There's a chance he's commitment phobic as you said. But it's very likely that he doesn't know how to tell you things didn't click. When chemistry is there you can feel it. You're not his first. He knows what it feels like when you're attracted to someone or even head over heels in love with someone. He was not feeling it with you. But you were so much into him. You took a chance. I'm not saying you didn't do the right thing. At times the guy can be shy and he will hesitate making the first move. You made moves, he didn't respond. You shouldn't force any response.

 

Now let him go. If it's a psychological issue, he'll come forward. Otherwise you'll know it just didn't work out. It was stupid to label the relationship before even meeting up. You now know better.

[pinkpaw]

Okay, this will probably be a long text since it's so much I feel like I need to write down to explain the whole situation. So let's go.

 

I got to know my boyfriend (who lives in another country) over his Twitch stream that I randomly found. I watched him a while and enjoyed the way he interacted with people and was quite interested in his looks as well. So I stuck by and also joined his community. We talked occassionally, played games together and just had fun.

At some point we somehow started to talk more in private and to flirt with each other more and more. Having discussions of what we enjoy with partners that went on for more than 10 hours straight, suddenly realising that it was 7am and we just wrote about all of this stuff the whole night.

Eventually we started to talk and cam in private almost daily, laughing, talking about what just came to our minds and playing games. Or we just watched a movie together.

At this time he still had interest in another woman and he was about to meet her to see what he wants but it was obvious that he already had interest in me as well. So I told him to do what he thinks is best for him and waited for his response after the meet up.

So while he was out travelling we still continued to flirt, you could even say "sexted" a lot as well.

After he met this woman he told me that he sees no sense in becoming closer with her. That made me really happy obviously since I was quite interested in him at this time already. He also told me that he is quite interested in me as well and that he'd love to see where this is going with us. So we continued to spend time with each other. Talking, caming etc. I wanted to give him time to get to know me since he worded that he doesn't want to jump into anything.

After about 2 months of this going on he randomly worded that "all the couples are playing atm" since a few of our friends where in the same game as we were while talking to each other in private. So I jokingly said "So are we a couple now?" and he said "Sure we are, aren't we?". So at this point we kinda were a couple I guess, since I also didn't feel like denying him 'cause it made me happy.

The first 2 or so months it kinda felt a little off tho since he rarely opened himself to me on a personal level. Talking about private things like family etc. was really hard on him. Also showing me affection was quite an issue, even wording in public that I was his girlfriend wasn't that easy. But slowly he opened up to me more, began to send me loving messages as well, started to send me hearts on a regular basis and also had no big problem anymore with telling others that I "belong" to him or almost brag with me. He still didn't let me see into his deeper personal thoughts but I was determined to give him time.

So after 4 months of dating the first meet up happened, I visited over New Years for about 1 1/2 years. I didn't come with the expectation that anything really intimate will happen but I of course was expecting some affection like hugging and kissing. (I am a person who needs a lot of affection in relationships and I also show a lot of affection.)

So the first three days it was the occassional hugging and me cuddling onto him while we watched a movie or played a game. He rarely showed affection back but I assumed he's just unsure what to do. He was fine with me kissing him on the cheek and hugging him randomly so I was a bit wary but okay with it.

After about 4 days I finally dared to ask if he'd kiss me. Well, we kissed and it felt nice but it also felt like there is something cornering him. Like if he wants to go for it but at the same time doesn't. When we were about to sleep it felt like there was this invisible wall built up between us, he felt out of reach.

The evening before I left we had a discussion since he mentioned something around the line "I also need to decide where I want this relationship to go.", so I asked what he meant.

So he told me that he's really afraid to commit to things and that he feels so confused since he has this "loving and affectionate woman" in fron of him and can't give her the affection and love she obviously expects and also deserves. So I asked him if he still wants to continue what we have and he answered with a "Yes". He also asked me if I'm willing to help him to be able to show affection for me at some point since the feelings are there. I agreed and with that the meet up was basically over. We said our goodbyes the next day, kissed us and I flew home.

When I arrived home we wanted to talk and cam again. We did but it kinda turned out into another discussion about this whole topic. I asked him on my way home if I can visit him in March again to get to know him irl a bit more and he agreed at first. So we talked about all of this again, I told him that he felt out of reach sometimes when I was there and that I'd really like to be able to reach him emotionally at some point. He obviously felt really conflicted and suddenly said he doesn't want me to visit again. He also told me that he wishes he could "clone me but in male" so I could have someone in my life who'd be willing to give me the affection and love I give to others and especially my partner because I deserve so.

I told him that I wouldn't want that and that I want him.

So we discussed a bit more and at some point I had enough and asked straight away "Do you still want me to help you? Do you want me to stay by your side?" He answered that he wants me by his side but at the same time he doesn't. He also worded that he wants attention and friends but at the same time he despises it and just wants everyone to leave him alone. To the question with me helping I added that I want a Yes or No from him, so "inbetween". So he thought for a while and answered "No, thank you.". Which hurt and confused me a lot. Since he said just a few hour ago that he wants me to help. Into my face, not over cam or voice call. I was actually so hurt that I said something around the lines "So I was a game for you after all, I see. So that's how a heartbreak feels like, huh?" and he just stood silent. After a while of silence I apologised for saying this since it was quite cruel of a wording and also told him that I'm too stubborn to give up on him. So we remained a couple and still are.

The next day he also told me that this whole commitment issue probably comes from a relationship he had 2 years ago. It went on for 4 years and ended in a way he didn't want it to end. It came sudden and he feels like it could've been avoided but he also knew it is for the best that it ends.

Now he suddenly stopped being the way he was before the meet up. He doesn't go with me playfully flirting with him and also avoids it at all costs to send me sweet messages. If I send a good morning message, calling him handsome man or something around that he normally answered me with calling me "pretty lady" etc. Nothing like this anymore. No hearts, just platonic small talk.

We still talk and cam every evening and play games but he feels so far away atm and it hurts me a lot.

So I'm kind of at a loss of what to do. I know that he has feelings for me but right now I feel like I just burried all of those feelings by discussing everything we did. And I really want to be able to win him back, to be able to slowly destroy the wall he built up.

 

Sorry for the wall of text and respect to everyone who read all of it. I really hope some people can give me some tips and maybe help to ease my mind a little. Cause atm I feel like I'm stuck in a hole and I can't get out.

 

Hi Sheeta,

This sounds quite torturous.

I've been in the position of your boyfriend - though I am female - with an ex-boyfriend of mine who wanted a lot more out of me than I could/was willing to give.

We weren't long-distance, however.

To be honest, when I look back at my behaviour now (and it pretty much mirrors your guys' behaviour), it wasn't that I couldn't be what he wanted - more that I didn't want to. I was emotionally unavailable, not really fully interested, and didn't feel the chemistry. I'm not saying this is the case with your guy - but the point I'm trying to make is that, though I said things such as 'I don't feel ready to let someone in' and whatever else along those lines, really, I didn't want to even try. 2 months after that ended, I still felt like that around every guy I met, until I met one guy who suddenly changed it. There was something about him - the 'chemistry' that other posters have noted. And I surprised myself by how much more willing I was to be emotionally available, when I had lived so differently for a while before.

 

I'm sorry if this is maybe not what you want to hear. Sometimes people DO go through things where they can't be what you want/need them to be...but even in that case, if they are not being open about by saying things such as 'I've got so and so going on at the moment, which requires my full focus and I'm pretty stressed...' but still following it up with little efforts here and there to keep you involved, then...this isn't the right guy for you.

 

It sounds like you're a very caring person - but the thing of 'helping' him to be more affectionate sounds off. You shouldn't need to help 'fix' your partner. Your partner should be your equal. Yes you can support one another through various things you might go through, but for the basic needs that ALL healthy relationships require, you can't be the teacher. A girlfriend is not a therapist. Where she tries to be, it turns into a toxic codependency.

 

You got out nice and early - and I would also say this of my ex-boyfriend - he was well out of my nonsense before he could get hurt any further.