Question for those doing NC ***Updated***

[Scoutjr]

Thank you everyone for all the insights. I guess I have to suck it up. It just seems so unfair that these guys get off with no accountability and go on merrily as if nothing happened.

[CatMinx]

Thank you everyone for all the insights. I guess I have to suck it up. It just seems so unfair that these guys get off with no accountability and go on merrily as if nothing happened.

 

True..but nobody forced us to get involved in such a messy situation to begin with, so we only have ourselves to blame for our own pain. And honestly guys like yours (and mine)..they don’t feel anything anyway. So it wouldn’t actually matter if they got caught. Maybe they’d have to pay physical consequences, but the emotional ones are the ones that matter, and they’ll never pay those.

[Scoutjr]

True..but nobody forced us to get involved in such a messy situation to begin with, so we only have ourselves to blame for our own pain. And honestly guys like yours (and mine)..they don’t feel anything anyway. So it wouldn’t actually matter if they got caught. Maybe they’d have to pay physical consequences, but the emotional ones are the ones that matter, and they’ll never pay those.

 

So they have no responsibility at all?? Must be nice to live such a charmed life!

 

Oh I think it would definitely bother this guy if he got caught, especially since it was a a work thing and he’s very senior.

[whatcomesnext]

I could agree that these types of relationships are a big gamble and therefore we enter into the scenario with the understanding (whether fully or only subconsciously understood) that there could be a lot of pain down the line - whether it be from the end of the A or the end of Ms or both. But I can’t agree that we are to blame for pain related to being discarded and erased. Maybe it makes me naive to have not seen that particular action by MM as a possibility. I’m sure there will be many people on here that have had it happen to them and can tell me that it is typical and happens all the time. This is not a world I had ever been in or ever expected to be in. Of all the potential outcomes I could have envisioned, one in which a person who inserted himself so thoroughly into my daily life as if he cared about me would suddenly decide to retreat and treat me like I never existed was not one of them. I could have understood an honest conversation and ending. It would have hurt, it would have been a loss, but it would have ended with dignity and I would have understood. This I will never understand. And I will never feel to blame for it or deserving of it. Sadly though I can agree that he will never suffer any real emotional consequences. He’s just not capable. I’m trying to view that as actually being sad for him in the long run. I can’t imagine ever treating anyone like that or being so emotionally disconnected.

[Scoutjr]

I don’t know your story. Do you want to share it? Or PM me? We sound so much alike it’s “scary” (well not really, but you know what I mean!)

[grass-hopper]

In reading everyone’s posts and replies, I feel a little less alone. Because I’ve been feeling in despair lately. Not really about MM but more about myself. About my values and integrity. Looking inward and realizing what I have done, I feel shamed and embarrassed. The difference with me is I have yet to see MM as the enemy. I still romanticize the A. Knowing what I know, going through what I am going through and blaming myself for all of it. I am still not hating him. I want to get there.

 

I see you way ahead of the game, scout. You’ve maintained NC. You are seeing MM for what he really is.

[CatMinx]

So they have no responsibility at all?? Must be nice to live such a charmed life!

 

Oh I think it would definitely bother this guy if he got caught, especially since it was a a work thing and he’s very senior.

 

He’s got no responsibility for YOUR actions, meaning your decision to participate in an affair - no, not at all.

 

As I said, he would be upset at the physical repercussions (i.e losing his job) but it wouldn’t affect him emotionally, which is how it’s affecting you. You want him to hurt the way you hurt and that’s just not possible for men like him. Trust me, I experienced the same feelings after my own affair.

[FMW]

This is such a great forum for us all to share and not feel so alone in our situations. Because there are often so many similarities in experiences it's easy to forget that no relationship of any kind, even affairs, are EXACTLY the same and we all process things differently.

 

Anger and hate toward MM doesn't work for me, because in reality it's just not what I feel and I honestly don't want to feel that. For me, anger and hate is damaging and closes my heart off for not only him but anyone else. I just have to take the lessons I learned and move forward with that experience and be wiser the next time around.

 

Do what works for you, don't feel you should be feeling or doing what someone else is regardless of how similar it seems your circumstances are. If anger and hate are it, then so be it, run with it. But if not, keep reading here and figure out what actually resonates with you, pick and choose from the advice as it works for you. None of us need additional burdens of feeling we're not feeling or reacting "the right way" on top of trying to heal and move on from an affair.

 

Also, we don't truly know what another person is experiencing. Just because your MM seems to be happy and living a charmed life without you doesn't mean that is anywhere close to the truth. The damage and pain may not be in anything anyone else can see, but I believe it's there. Unless you were involved with a completely inhuman psychopath, he WILL suffer some kind of repercussion from what he's done. You have to make peace with not being witness to it or you can't move on.

[Scoutjr]

No, I don't want to feel angry. Maybe that didn't come across. I'd like to believe he feels some remorse, but I've been reading so much about narcissism I'm convinced he is one, and therefore worthy of my "anger" and the best course of action is never to talk to him again. But that doesn't feel good either.

[whatcomesnext]

I know Scout. I get it. How can any of the options feel "good" when none of them were our choice or what we actually wanted? I spent a long time trying to figure out if MM was a narcissist, reading articles, blogs, books. Then I realized it was only sucking me further down a black hole. Once again I was focusing all of my time and mental energy on HIM - and this time I was doing it all to myself because he was long gone. And you know he's not spending his days trying to figure out my personality. Can't picture him sitting around thinking, "hmm, I wonder why she was so attached to me and put up with whatever I did or didn't do without ever asking any questions, let me spend 1000 hours reading every book ever written about adult children of alcoholics, survivors of childhood trauma, love addiction, insecure attachment styles, intermittent reinforcement, trauma bonding and complex abandonment PTSD and see if she might fit into any of these categories, and then consider whether I bear some responsibility for triggering these issues through my selfish behavior/actions and inability to consider her feelings." And by the way, I haven't actually been diagnosed with any of the above, but reading about those topics certainly resonates. At the end of the day it doesn't really matter whether he is a diagnosable narcissist. He took an action that was narcissistic and at a minimum reflects cowardice, immaturity and lack of care and respect for me. What more do I really need to know? It doesn't lessen the pain, but it is a truth I have to accept. I need to let go of everything I THOUGHT I was getting (or was going to get) from this relationship that is now lost to me. Grieve it and let it go. When I reflect I see more and more clearly that I was never really getting what I thought I was anyway. It makes me feel sad and humiliated and angry with myself, but I keep reminding me that I am only human and I need to forgive myself. And most importantly it is not healthy to rely on only one person's love and attention to feel valuable in this world - at least not if that one person is someone other than yourself.

[CatMinx]

I know Scout. I get it. How can any of the options feel "good" when none of them were our choice or what we actually wanted? I spent a long time trying to figure out if MM was a narcissist, reading articles, blogs, books. Then I realized it was only sucking me further down a black hole. Once again I was focusing all of my time and mental energy on HIM - and this time I was doing it all to myself because he was long gone. And you know he's not spending his days trying to figure out my personality. Can't picture him sitting around thinking, "hmm, I wonder why she was so attached to me and put up with whatever I did or didn't do without ever asking any questions, let me spend 1000 hours reading every book ever written about adult children of alcoholics, survivors of childhood trauma, love addiction, insecure attachment styles, intermittent reinforcement, trauma bonding and complex abandonment PTSD and see if she might fit into any of these categories, and then consider whether I bear some responsibility for triggering these issues through my selfish behavior/actions and inability to consider her feelings." And by the way, I haven't actually been diagnosed with any of the above, but reading about those topics certainly resonates. At the end of the day it doesn't really matter whether he is a diagnosable narcissist. He took an action that was narcissistic and at a minimum reflects cowardice, immaturity and lack of care and respect for me. What more do I really need to know? It doesn't lessen the pain, but it is a truth I have to accept. I need to let go of everything I THOUGHT I was getting (or was going to get) from this relationship that is now lost to me. Grieve it and let it go. When I reflect I see more and more clearly that I was never really getting what I thought I was anyway. It makes me feel sad and humiliated and angry with myself, but I keep reminding me that I am only human and I need to forgive myself. And most importantly it is not healthy to rely on only one person's love and attention to feel valuable in this world - at least not if that one person is someone other than yourself.

 

I see lots of projected diagnoses and zero degrees in psychology mentioned. The fact of the matter is..dissecting our MM is not helpful no matter what conclusions we come to.

 

Scout..he’s a bad person, period. You made bad decisions, period. Trying to figure out exactly what is wrong with him is only prolonging your pain. What you should be doing is trying to figure out why YOU allowed yourself to get into this situation and how YOU can make sure it doesn’t happen again, and hopefully get yourself into a normal and good relationship.

 

I’m not trying to be mean..I’m just saying that all break ups, affair or not, suck, and obsessing about the details is not healthy behavior. What he did was awful..but stop focusing so much on him and start doing what you never did while you were in the affair and focus on yourself.

 

Haven’t you spent enough time and energy on this life-sucking bastard?

[jah526]

I wish I could feel anger towards MM. My case was maybe a little different than others on here. I knew he was using me, he was way out of my league. It was kind of like the way a jock in school would pick out the ugly duckling that he knew had a crush to have secret sex with. He even admitted to me he had someone like this in school, and that he thought of me like her. Just someone to boost his ego.

 

Even worse, when he was with me he’d make a point of talking about the women he really wanted, sometimes even openly flirting with them in front of me. I am over him but I still can’t let go of my jealousy of the other woman and the anxiety that he may have gotten what he wanted.

 

I know he doesn’t hurt for me because I know he never cared, and I am ok with that. Maybe my anger is manifesting itself in the desire for him to not get what he wanted, even if I can’t feel the anger towards him.

[Poppy47]

I wish I could feel anger towards MM. My case was maybe a little different than others on here. I knew he was using me, he was way out of my league. It was kind of like the way a jock in school would pick out the ugly duckling that he knew had a crush to have secret sex with. He even admitted to me he had someone like this in school, and that he thought of me like her. Just someone to boost his ego.

 

Even worse, when he was with me he’d make a point of talking about the women he really wanted, sometimes even openly flirting with them in front of me. I am over him but I still can’t let go of my jealousy of the other woman and the anxiety that he may have gotten what he wanted.

 

I know he doesn’t hurt for me because I know he never cared, and I am ok with that. Maybe my anger is manifesting itself in the desire for him to not get what he wanted, even if I can’t feel the anger towards him.

 

What a horrible man... how can you not just despise the way he treated you.

Poppy

[Scoutjr]

I wish I could feel anger towards MM. My case was maybe a little different than others on here. I knew he was using me, he was way out of my league. It was kind of like the way a jock in school would pick out the ugly duckling that he knew had a crush to have secret sex with. He even admitted to me he had someone like this in school, and that he thought of me like her. Just someone to boost his ego.

 

Even worse, when he was with me he’d make a point of talking about the women he really wanted, sometimes even openly flirting with them in front of me. I am over him but I still can’t let go of my jealousy of the other woman and the anxiety that he may have gotten what he wanted.

 

I know he doesn’t hurt for me because I know he never cared, and I am ok with that. Maybe my anger is manifesting itself in the desire for him to not get what he wanted, even if I can’t feel the anger towards him.

 

OMG jah. What an a$$****!

[Imajerk17]

Thank you everyone for all the insights. I guess I have to suck it up. It just seems so unfair that these guys get off with no accountability and go on merrily as if nothing happened.

 

Aren't you doing the same though? You are leading a double life, betraying your husband and family. Only they don't know about it. You aren't being held accountable for your actions either.

 

Stop thinking of yourself as a victim! Most people are not sympathetic to your plight--they feel for your husband instead--so suck it up.

Edited March 16, 2018 by Imajerk17

[Scoutjr]

So you are saying I got what I deserved?

[Bittersweetie]

This has been a thoughtful discussion. I think the most important takeaway is what some PP said about focusing more on oneself than the xAP. I know it is hard; I know it is easier to focus outward on someone else rather than inward. I have been there. My xAP ghosted me not once but twice. The time I wasted trying to figure out why! The time I wasted trying to get on his radar again! Sigh.

 

But it's like CatMinx said...you've already wasted enough time, why waste more? There are questions you will never have the answer to, and that is okay.

 

And another point...I'm not sure if things are different because I was a MW...but if my xAP looked at my life now after the A, he'd probably think I got off easy. I'm still with my H. We have an amazing kid. A wonderful house, a really great life. I got off scot free!

 

But the fact is, no, I didn't. I had a d-day. I hurt my H in a way that he will never be the same person he was before. I walked through dark, dark paths in order to come through to a healthier place, and I did this all while helping my H walk on his own painful path. There was nothing "easy" or "scot free" about our time after the A. But very few people knew we were walking on those paths.

 

While I realize my experience is not everyone's, we never know what is going on in someone else's life. And that's why our mental energy should be focused on our own life, the one we can control.

 

Good luck.

Edited March 16, 2018 by Bittersweetie

[whatcomesnext]

Beautifully stated Bittersweetie.

[Imajerk17]

So you are saying I got what I deserved?

 

Yes the pain you got, you deserve 100%. YOU were the one who CHOSE who deceive and betray your family. Your poor husband, on the other hand....

 

Whenever you feel how unfair things are, think of your family and the lies they are forced to be living.

Edited March 16, 2018 by Imajerk17

[Scoutjr]

So by the same token, the MM deserves it too, but no one ever says that. We both made mistakes and are equally accountable, but yet I’m the one feeling Terri and used. I’m tired of shoving down my feelings as I have my whole life because I always have to think of the other person. My DH has hurt me too with indifference. I’m not blaming him for what I did, but it didn’t happen a vacuum.

[CatMinx]

So by the same token, the MM deserves it too, but no one ever says that. We both made mistakes and are equally accountable, but yet I’m the one feeling Terri and used. I’m tired of shoving down my feelings as I have my whole life because I always have to think of the other person. My DH has hurt me too with indifference. I’m not blaming him for what I did, but it didn’t happen a vacuum.

 

Why are you so obsessed with what he’s feeling right now? Why aren’t you more concerned with yourself? Aren’t you tired of your life revolving around this guy?

[Scoutjr]

Why are you so obsessed with what he’s feeling right now? Why aren’t you more concerned with yourself? Aren’t you tired of your life revolving around this guy?

 

It’s a valid question. I guess people want to know they matter. It’s part of being human and one of the things that separates us from animals. We are wired for connection, and for better or worse, I did feel connected to him and that is hard for me to let go.

[Scoutjr]

And yes, I am tired of it. I’ve been trying to focus inward and I have made lots of progress, but still have miles to go.

[Poppy47]

Yes the pain you got, you deserve 100%. YOU were the one who CHOSE who deceive and betray your family. Your poor husband, on the other hand....

 

Whenever you feel how unfair things are, think of your family and the lies they are forced to be living.

 

After I dumped xMM, there were many stages of healing. Longing for what might have been, which in reality was only a story I told myself, analysing xMM and reading about narcissists, and feeling angry with him to mention a few.

 

What do these stages have in common? HIM. Too much time wasted on him.

I was 68 years old when I dumped him and realised there are not enough years left to fritter away sobbing in my soup for that man.

 

At the end of it all, I said to myself that I had messed up. The reason was immaterial because there is no deep psychological scarring or lurking underlying issues in my make up. I simply did it because I wanted to.

 

It was on my head, it was an affair and what the F... did I expect to happen?

 

If you have an A you have to wear the pain and take the responsibility for your choice. My xMM will have worn the pain of losing an "outlet" he very carefully and heavily invested in for many years.

 

Pick up that baggage and put if firmly behind you so you are free, rule a red line under it,but never forget your mistake.

POPPY

 

PS Jerk I think I love you.

[Adotta]

Oh man.....

 

No I don't think you DESERVE to feel like this. But it is poetic justice isn't it?

Your lying to and deceiving your husband. You have used him. Sure he doesn't sound like the best husband.... but there are worse AND he is still a human being that deserves respect isn't he?

 

It's just kind of sad and funny at the same time to have you sit here crying about being used and on the other hand you are basicly doing the same thing to your husband.

 

Sure a thief doesn't deserve being thieved from and a murderer doesn't deserve to be murdered.... but very few people will feel bad for them if they are.

 

This whole thread from the op reeks of hypocrisy. I don't know the problems of your marriage. I don't know you your husband or the OM. But that doesn't preclude me from laughing at karma come to strike back.

 

I don't want you to suffer. I really dont. My hope is that this teaches you a lesson. One that should have been learned long ago. Don't do unto others what you don't want done to you! Simple right?

 

It's not even just for your husband. Doing this kind of stuff wears away at the fabric of a person's soul. You could set yourself free in so many ways.... but you dont. You keep yourself AND your husband in a secret little prison of your own making. Sad part is your kids will suffer too. Not because of a divorce but because thier mother became somone they can't recognize. You may be able to ACT like everything is peachy but it ain't is it?