Question for those doing NC ***Updated***

[BluesPower]

I know exactly how you feel Scout. I am also married, although my husband does know (I told him). Maybe it was easier for me to tell because mine was an EA. Doesn’t make it better from my perspective, but I think my husband views it differently because it wasn’t physical. I haven’t posted my own story because I really just need support and am not looking to debate the morality of adultery. I have been extremely depressed and am doing IC twice a week as a result of this whole thing. I get that adultery is wrong but I think sometimes people need to be careful when choosing their words and not be too harsh because you never know where someone is mentally and emotionally. For me reading harsh words can twist my feelings and make me feel more hopeless and misunderstood which is not a good place to be if you are already struggling to move forward with life. I fell in love and thought it was once in a lifetime. Naive, naive. Now I have to live with the pain and consequences. My MM discarded me very coldly without any recognition of what we shared or any closure. I know closure is a relative term, but this man had me turned so upside down to the point where I completely lost my entire sense of self. It was all about him. I couldn’t think about anything else and felt I would literally die without him. Then he just disappeared on me and when I confronted him about it (with my heart on my sleeve) acted like everything was fine. Told me he needed to focus on some things, wasn’t mad at me and it was all good. He erased me like I never happened. Threw me away like garbage and ran away like a coward in the face of my pain and confusion. I still see him regularly and it is so painful. I keep trying to remind myself that he is not worth it and that his actions speak to his true character. Though it is very difficult to mourn both reality and fantasy/illusion at once.

 

Again, like DTK, and not to be harsh, but girl you need to check yourself here.

 

Probably, the only reason your husband is still with you is because you did not sleep with him. But don't think that you did not hurt him to the core.

 

Yes men see that physical as more important, but we all know that men can be stupid as well. You already disrespected him and your marriage more than you even realize, and why did you not get physical?

 

Was is distance, or some other factor? Don't think that even if your husband is emotionally dense, that he has not thought about this possibility.

 

So the point is in bold, yes dear you (we all) deserve some harsh words, because what you did was horrible and we also, as well as your husband, we also know that if the opportunity had presented itself... You would have gotten physical.

 

Does that make it better, does that make it less of an affair, does that make it less hurtful to your husband? I don't think so.

 

And you focusing on the fantasy of the emotional affair, doesn't allow you to actually look and understand what you have done to your marriage.

 

That is what you don't want to look at... what you did, and you feel like it is maybe was not as bad because you did not sleep with him.

 

You see you have to look at yourself, and that is something almost no one wants to do.

 

But if you are to grow as a person, that is what you have to do...

[whatcomesnext]

I was speaking from my husband’s perspective, not from mine. I have no illusion that an EA is any better than a PA. From my own perspective I think an EA is worse. Regardless of whether we slept together or not I still thought I loved him and wanted to be with him. I am in no denial about any of that or what it means. I have my own harsh words for myself that run through my mind daily. I told my husband and we are trying to work through it. It is up to him and me to determine what I deserve or not in this situation. I don’t think anyone here knows me or my life or history or my marriage to say one way or the other what I deserve, how I should feel or whether what I felt or did is horrible or not. As I said, I am doing IC and trying to work through everything that happened. That includes looking at how I allowed myself to become emotionally attached to MM to begin with and to face the pain it caused others. But in therapy you also have to deal with the immediate crisis first. Whether I should ever have become involved or not, it doesn’t change that I did become invested and that the entire dynamic of the relationship caused me to lose myself entirely - this relationship triggered a very toxic/unhealthy dynamic that shattered me to my core, my entire sense of self and understanding of my value and worth on this earth. I have to get myself back in order to become a whole person again who is capable of being in any relationship, with my husband or with anybody else.

[BluesPower]

I was speaking from my husband’s perspective, not from mine. I have no illusion that an EA is any better than a PA. From my own perspective I think an EA is worse. Regardless of whether we slept together or not I still thought I loved him and wanted to be with him. I am in no denial about any of that or what it means. I have my own harsh words for myself that run through my mind daily. I told my husband and we are trying to work through it. It is up to him and me to determine what I deserve or not in this situation. I don’t think anyone here knows me or my life or history or my marriage to say one way or the other what I deserve, how I should feel or whether what I felt or did is horrible or not. As I said, I am doing IC and trying to work through everything that happened. That includes looking at how I allowed myself to become emotionally attached to MM to begin with and to face the pain it caused others. But in therapy you also have to deal with the immediate crisis first. Whether I should ever have become involved or not, it doesn’t change that I did become invested and that the entire dynamic of the relationship caused me to lose myself entirely - this relationship triggered a very toxic/unhealthy dynamic that shattered me to my core, my entire sense of self and understanding of my value and worth on this earth. I have to get myself back in order to become a whole person again who is capable of being in any relationship, with my husband or with anybody else.

 

Look at your posts...

 

And look, no need to get defensive. But in getting defensive, I think I shows where your head is at. Your head, from what I read is all about you. How you feel, how you don't think we should be harsh.

 

And that is what I was getting at with the last post. You have the responsibility to work on yourself and start helping your husband heal from your infidelity.

 

And why don't you what to answer any of the questions that I asked?

 

You see, I don't know you or all the things that your husband has done that were wrong. But there are some axioms that always apply. 1) There is never a reason to have an affair, never. 2) When you do, if your spouse takes you back and you want to stay, it is your job to help them heal from YOUR infidelity. 3) Almost all affairs are the same, with minor differences..

 

Yes you have to work on yourself. But how is your husband feeling? What has he said?

 

When I hear a WW talking about how she is "dealing with all of the pain" I ask.... Yeah what about her husbands pain? I wonder how he is feeling.

 

I am not dogging you here, I am no better, and probably worse than you.

 

But as someone who has lived both sides of this issue, I sometimes have a unique perspective.

 

So don't get defensive, try to see if you can understand what I am trying to get you to think about.

 

It may be helpful down the road...

[Scoutjr]

DKT3 has a valid point here. I think sometimes us WW find it "easier" to focus on the MM and why he did what he did rather than focusing on ourselves and why we did what we did. Because us WW focusing on why we made the choices we did is really hard to face. It's hard to look in the mirror and accept the choices we made, to realize we've been a hurtful person too.

 

Maybe the next time you feel like reaching out, think about this aspect. How would your H feel if you said you ended the A, but yet you still would reach out through texts periodically? Reframe things from a different perspective.

 

I know, and I have been trying to focus on myself...meaning working on myself as a person. I think I know "why" it happened. A combination of not getting attention from my spouse, feeling insecure at my job and vulnerable (this affair started at a work function) and too much alcohol, someone paying attention to me and making me feel wanted. It's kind of interesting, because in the beginning when he was love bombing me, I thought there was something wrong with him (I didn't know about love bombing). He went to visit my hometown -- without me because he said he "wanted to get to know me better." I thought that kind of odd.

 

Anyway, I don't want to rehash the whole thing. My husband would be very hurt if he found out. So every day I was doing NC I was doing it for more than myself, I was doing it for my DH and for MM's wife. Somehow I lost sight of that last week when I reached out to him. I do feel a sense of injustice, which I don't really have a right to feel since I was the one who cheated. It just seems that MM get to go on their merry way and pick up their lives as if nothing happened. Maybe men are just wired differently. I DO want answers. That's the way I've always been with a lot of things. I always want to know "WHY."

 

I have been seeing a therapist, but I think it has run its course. I tell her I am doing NC and she keeps bringing up the notion that he might be back, and what will I do then. Not sure what my point is here...just rambling.

[Scoutjr]

I think I feel the same way about the harsh words. I guess I'm sensitive. I've never been one those people who can "just snap out of it" I do envy those people. But I do feel like the harsh words make me feel a little hopeless too, even though rationally I know why they are being said to me.

[whatcomesnext]

My husband seems fine. He hasn’t said or acted like he is any pain. He hasn’t even expressed any anger at me or even regarding MM, who he knows and still speaks to when he sees him. Maybe because it wasn’t physical he can’t wrap his mind around the import of it. Maybe he thinks I’ve lost my mind (he is probably right if he does). I can’t speak for him, can only tell you how he’s acted. I’ve asked him - “aren’t you angry? Aren’t you x, y? How can you still love me?” He says he does and believes everything is going to be fine. We’ve been married a long time and the deep depression I’ve found myself in is not something he’s ever seen in me before. I think he is worried about my state of mind. As they say on airplanes “you need to put your own oxygen mask on first before you assist others.” Just because infidelity is involved does not take away that the WS has suffered a loss. It is not either/or. Thinking about your spouse’s pain does not mean you don’t also have your own pain to work through. That pain runs much deeper than MM. They say affairs rip you apart from the inside and put all of your unaddressed emotional baggage on display. It is true. Ironically my whole point in posting to Scout was because I did NOT want to get into all of this. I’m on here trying to read and get/give support because in order to move on and heal I have to be able to take MM off the pedestal, see him for who he really is, and stop idealizing the faux reality we were living in. That is part of the process.

[whatcomesnext]

Funny, Scout. My therapist has done the same thing re asking me what I will do or say if he comes back. It frustrates me because I don’t believe he is ever “coming back” but I guess narcissistic types have a tendency to revisit the rubble they left behind to make sure the infrastructure hasn’t been stabilized in their absence.

[Bittersweetie]

I think it's true that, at first, a WW has to work on her own pain in order to become strong enough to face the reasons why she made the choices she did. However, if there's a d-day, she also...at the same time...has to support the BH too. Unfortunately she doesn't have the luxury of figuring things out first. Scout, since you haven't had a d-day, you do have that luxury.

 

I'm glad you're working on yourself...that's a very positive step. One thing I will say...you say you think you know why. Well, I say, keep digging. Whenever I had an "aha" moment and I would share it with my BH, he'd say: "OK. Keep going. Keep peeling that onion."

 

Good grief that would piss me off. Here I was sharing, working through it, and he kept asking me to do more! You know what? He was right. I kept digging and digging until there was nothing left to dig. My first attempt at "why," while still viable, was minimal compared to my final (for now) "why." I am so glad he made me keep going. So don't give up yet...keep working. It is worth it, truly.

 

As for the harsh words...when I joined this site, there was zero moderation. Man, the things people would write about WW. I didn't join or post for months because of the really bad stuff people would say about or to WWs. But I did and I was on the receiving end (I can still remember those user names 7+ years later!).

 

And I realized that the posts that pissed me off the most...the ones that made me shut the laptop, block someone...were because they touched a nerve. A nerve I needed to look at and examine and work through. Maybe one isn't ready to hear what is being said behind the post, but I do think for true healing one has to listen to all sides. This isn't a unicorns and rainbows situation, so harsh words are kind of a given, unfortunately.

 

I'm sorry that I can't tell you that healing from an A as a WW is easy and done over a short time. It is a truly humbling and vulnerable experience. But the road ends up in a much better place where we are stronger and healthier in both ourselves and our relationships. Good luck.

[Bittersweetie]

One more thing...my xAP never did contact me again. But I did have a plan in place. And I felt so much better just to have a plan in place just in case. And I've never used it in 8+ years, but that doesn't matter. I felt more confident in myself knowing I had my own plan ready to go. It can't hurt to come up with one.

[Scoutjr]

Funny, Scout. My therapist has done the same thing re asking me what I will do or say if he comes back. It frustrates me because I don’t believe he is ever “coming back” but I guess narcissistic types have a tendency to revisit the rubble they left behind to make sure the infrastructure hasn’t been stabilized in their absence.

 

I don't believe my is ever coming back either, the point is proven because he has not responded to me. Probably for the best.

[Scoutjr]

Bittersweetie...

 

I think you have a point about the harsh words touching a nerve...when I started seeing my therapist TWO and HALF years ago...she told me "affairs have no path"...I didn't want to hear it. I thought I was different...It made me so upset. In hindsight, I can see she was right. All it did was cause me pain. And still continues to do so. So, I guess what I am saying is that the harsh words hurt now, and I am not denying they do, but maybe they eventually won't. Thanks for bearing with me.

 

BTW: I rode my new Peloton bike today and it made me feel a lot better. Too bad I can't have it at work and jump on it when I start ruminating - work is where it happens the most!

[skywriter]

I hope that I wasn't harsh, and when I suggested calling a friend or family MM. It was to allow the feelings to subside or better to pass of wanting to break NC.

 

 

I only know what helped me to get through those feelings of wanting to break NC.

 

I'd take a nice walk and talk to anyone I could to get past those feelings.

[Scoutjr]

Thank you! No, I guess it's what I need to hear. It's hard to hear the words "you've been used" - that is painful.

 

Yes, it does help to distract myself. I was so good. I told myself I'd make it through January, and then Feb 1 came around and I lost control. Yes, there was a glass or two of wine involved.

[skywriter]

It took me at least 8 months to stop feeling anxious about a text or call coming in. I tell you the truth, when you realize indifference is how you feel, it's a huge burden off your mind and heart.

 

For myself, it was as if I began living for myself instead of for the MM.I was a single OW, so I felt I gave much more than I received.

[Scoutjr]

Thank you, Skywriter. I thought I was "immune" and that I would be ok if I didn't get a response. I thought wrong!! I guess I need to give it more time...ok, back on the wagon again.

[Grey Cloud]

I thought for sure my xMM would never came back. He just moved on so quickly. And yet 7 months later he DID come back. I still think it’s worth having a plan in place. I wasnt expecting it so it really threw me but luckily nothing came of it.

 

Scoutj - I thought the same about my xMM moving on with no repercussions, living his happy life whilst I was left picking up the pieces. I think men are much more realistic and logical about the situation. My xMM told me later of course he was sad but that we were a train wreck waiting to happen so from that point of view he glad we ended. Also the stress of leading a double life was starting to get to him and he said he just felt a sense of relief when it was over. I think men just process everything differently to women. There is no point in dwelling on the why’s.

[Scoutjr]

Hi everyone,

 

Feeling a little more clarity today. I find when I am away from my job and busy and engaged in my own life I feel much better. Rode my Peloton yesterday and hung out with some friends last night. Now working on a project for another friend. keeping busy helps a lot. Also all of the insight from the people here is a lifesaver!

[CommittedToThis]

Sadly, with that single text you fed a gigantic meal to his narcissistic need for attention. Now he knows without a doubt he's still got you on a string. He feels very smug about that and is secure in knowing you're still there as a plan b, c, d, whatevs.

 

There is one and one way only to deal with a narcissist: complete, utter, unwavering, non-negotiable, Ninja-level NO CONTACT.

 

Scout, don't beat yourself up for caving in. If you spend enough time with a narcissist your brain chemistry is altered, it takes time for the chemistry to regain normalcy. The constant cycle of idealization, devaluation and discard has long-lasting negative effects precisely because the chemistry of the brain becomes accustomed to those huge emotional swings the narcissist delights in inflicting.

 

Don't let this soul-less trash-heap stain the purity of your life with his vile oozing presence, for I promise you, if he is truly narcissistic, he WILL, without a doubt, "Hoover" you ie. try to suck you back in, like a Hoover vacuum cleaner.

 

He WILL respond to your text at some point; it might be years. For all you know he's already with another side piece (narcissists always have several back-ups in place).

 

Whenever he gets bored or otherwise needs your attention he will reach out to you. Your ill-conceived text gave him the green light to do so.

 

How about *you* block *his* number, Scout? Are you serious about this? Are you looking into why this kind of interaction is acceptable to you?

 

Stay strong and enjoy the personal satisfaction of knowing nothing drives a narcissist crazier than being completely ignored.

[jah526]

Sadly, with that single text you fed a gigantic meal to his narcissistic need for attention. Now he knows without a doubt he's still got you on a string. He feels very smug about that and is secure in knowing you're still there as a plan b, c, d, whatevs.

 

There is one and one way only to deal with a narcissist: complete, utter, unwavering, non-negotiable, Ninja-level NO CONTACT.

 

Scout, don't beat yourself up for caving in. If you spend enough time with a narcissist your brain chemistry is altered, it takes time for the chemistry to regain normalcy. The constant cycle of idealization, devaluation and discard has long-lasting negative effects precisely because the chemistry of the brain becomes accustomed to those huge emotional swings the narcissist delights in inflicting.

 

Don't let this soul-less trash-heap stain the purity of your life with his vile oozing presence, for I promise you, if he is truly narcissistic, he WILL, without a doubt, "Hoover" you ie. try to suck you back in, like a Hoover vacuum cleaner.

 

He WILL respond to your text at some point; it might be years. For all you know he's already with another side piece (narcissists always have several back-ups in place).

 

Whenever he gets bored or otherwise needs your attention he will reach out to you. Your ill-conceived text gave him the green light to do so.

 

How about *you* block *his* number, Scout? Are you serious about this? Are you looking into why this kind of interaction is acceptable to you?

 

Stay strong and enjoy the personal satisfaction of knowing nothing drives a narcissist crazier than being completely ignored.

 

Thanks for this advice. I'm trying to white-knuckle it through breaking my addiction to social media (for the umpteenth time), and even though the contact is one-sided, it is still, as someone close to me pointed out "like dosing yourself with poison".

 

I totally agree with you that the brain gets used to the high-low roller coaster of emotions and when that is gone it takes quite some time to retrain it to become accustomed to flat land. It may be also that the brain is highly attuned to rewards (especially one prone to addiction) and so it really misses those high points, and tends to forget the lows.

 

Scout, these things happen. What matters is that you dusted yourself off and got back to doing positive things.

[Poppy47]

One more thing...my xAP never did contact me again. But I did have a plan in place. And I felt so much better just to have a plan in place just in case. And I've never used it in 8+ years, but that doesn't matter. I felt more confident in myself knowing I had my own plan ready to go. It can't hurt to come up with one.

 

What was your plan Bittersweetie?

 

I am 99 percent certain xmm will never approach me again because he is deathly afraid of me telling his wife.

 

No plan here but maybe that would be a reassurance to have in place.

 

Poppy.

[Scoutjr]

Sadly, with that single text you fed a gigantic meal to his narcissistic need for attention. Now he knows without a doubt he's still got you on a string. He feels very smug about that and is secure in knowing you're still there as a plan b, c, d, whatevs.

 

There is one and one way only to deal with a narcissist: complete, utter, unwavering, non-negotiable, Ninja-level NO CONTACT.

 

Scout, don't beat yourself up for caving in. If you spend enough time with a narcissist your brain chemistry is altered, it takes time for the chemistry to regain normalcy. The constant cycle of idealization, devaluation and discard has long-lasting negative effects precisely because the chemistry of the brain becomes accustomed to those huge emotional swings the narcissist delights in inflicting.

 

Don't let this soul-less trash-heap stain the purity of your life with his vile oozing presence, for I promise you, if he is truly narcissistic, he WILL, without a doubt, "Hoover" you ie. try to suck you back in, like a Hoover vacuum cleaner.

 

He WILL respond to your text at some point; it might be years. For all you know he's already with another side piece (narcissists always have several back-ups in place).

 

Whenever he gets bored or otherwise needs your attention he will reach out to you. Your ill-conceived text gave him the green light to do so.

 

How about *you* block *his* number, Scout? Are you serious about this? Are you looking into why this kind of interaction is acceptable to you?

 

Stay strong and enjoy the personal satisfaction of knowing nothing drives a narcissist crazier than being completely ignored.

 

That’s what I was afraid of. But I do like “soul less trash heap” and “vile oozing”! I will have to keep that in mind.

 

Why don’t I block him? Good question. Maybe I still feel like there will be a chance for closure...

[Bittersweetie]

What was your plan Bittersweetie?

 

I am 99 percent certain xmm will never approach me again because he is deathly afraid of me telling his wife.

 

No plan here but maybe that would be a reassurance to have in place.

 

Poppy.

 

My plan was WALK AWAY and SAY NOTHING.

 

I figured if I ever saw him, I would just walk in the other direction, away. And if he tried to talk to me, I would say nothing (because when it comes down to it, there is nothing to say), and walk away. When I would think about running into him I'd just tell myself: walk away, say nothing. Walk away say nothing. I started to associate his face with "walk away say nothing."

 

It was simple and maybe naive but I wanted to be prepared. Fortunately I've never had to use it.

[Scoutjr]

What was your plan Bittersweetie?

 

I am 99 percent certain xmm will never approach me again because he is deathly afraid of me telling his wife.

 

No plan here but maybe that would be a reassurance to have in place.

 

Poppy.

 

Do you ever think about telling his wife?

[Poppy47]

Hi Scout,

I have fantasized about handing her and envelope full of his passionate love letters.I believe this is called "revenge" fantasy.

 

In reality, I accidentally met her once at a charity function. She appeared to be a very sweet lady. It was a complete shock to come face to face with her as I had no idea that she would be in attendance.

 

We are all older people. exMM is 76 this year, the wife is 75 and I am 70. I could see no point in ruining the rest of her life, or his for that matter.

 

Revelation would surely result in great unhappiness for the lady and for what?

 

Poppy.

[Scoutjr]

You are very kind, Poppy. I have never met ex-MMS wife, nor will I ever. She had two young kids with this jerk, and I sometimes worry about her, as odd as that seems. I wouldn’t tell her to hurt her, but sometimes I wonder if she knows what a narcissist she married.