ly399 Posted January 11, 2018 Share Posted January 11, 2018 Bf and I are together for 3.5 months. We get along pretty well, he's very into me, and talked about a future together. He found out today that his sis has cancer. At first, he made an excuse to not meet up with me. I believed him and didn't think much, later when i texted him to ask him how's his day, he told me about the bad news. But he refuse to tell me anymore other than the fact no one else in the family has cancer. I really wanted to keep him company, but he is avoiding contact. He said it's awkward, and he needs time to think. I left him alone, and told him i'm there if he needs me. But i'm really worried about him. My real issue is how to communicate with people with avoidance personality. I'm the polar opposite, i talk about my feelings. Even when I am confused, I talk things out. I just don't understand what he's going through his mind. If he doesn't tell me what his sister has or his concerns, i can't help him. If i push him too hard, then i might seem annoying. If i play cool, then i might not be supportive enough. When he said he needs time to think, i personally don't think it has anything to do with our relationship, there is a chance he might consider moving back home to be with his family. If that is the case, i'd like to know as soon as possible, even if that's a tiny possibility. I will respect his decision. (Long distance is a deal breaker for me, personal preference) Obviously, i won't bring this up now, but i do want to find out before things get more serious. If you are someone dating another avoidance person, please share tips. If you are an avoidance person, please describe what's optimal response in these kinds of situation. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 11, 2018 Share Posted January 11, 2018 You are being awfully pushy for a person who has only been in his life for about 100 days (3.5 months). His sister has cancer. That is all you need to know at this point. You don't get private medical details about someone you barely know. It's lovely that you have offered your emotional support to your BF but you need to recognize that in this fledgling stage of your relationship you may not be his "go to person" for that level of support. Your relationship is still relatively new. I don't see him avoiding you. I see him as someone with boundaries. You are asking too much too soon. back off. He'll talk when & if he's ready & thinks its appropriate. I certainly would not discuss a relative's health with somebody who hadn't been in my life for at least a year or longer. I don't think I discussed the meaningful details of my parents' illnesses with DH until we were engaged because my parents' health issues impacted when & where we were getting married. If you want to bail -- as in kick him when he's down -- because you fear that he may move home & you would prefer to be free to date others sooner rather than later, that is your choice. Do understand that you making any of this about you is wrong. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ly399 Posted January 11, 2018 Author Share Posted January 11, 2018 You are being awfully pushy for a person who has only been in his life for about 100 days (3.5 months). His sister has cancer. That is all you need to know at this point. You don't get private medical details about someone you barely know. If you want to bail -- as in kick him when he's down -- because you fear that he may move home & you would prefer to be free to date others sooner rather than later, that is your choice. Do understand that you making any of this about you is wrong. what's with all the defensiveness? There are different kinds of cancer. Early stage skin cancer is relatively easy to treat. Brain cancer is way more serious. My father and grandpa had cancers, they are fine now. Plus, I have been telling my bf to get the bump on his forehead checked, he's not prioritizing his health and I'm worried. i'm asking what would be best way to support him in such hard time. It's a cultural difference. I grew up with people who are very big on showing love, giving big hugs, and constantly trying to cheer you up. You could say this is awfully pushy, but people 'good with boundaries' can be perceived as cold/distant. There is no right or wrong answer, just different styles. I don't know how to be supportive in front of him. Hence, i'm seeking help from strangers... On the fear of him moving, i only brought up as a panicking thought. I just wish he could communicate more. I just don't know how to comfort or support him if he doesn't let me in. I offered to stop by to give him hugs, he declined. I called him, he's giving me awkward silences. He mentioned that he needs time to think about few things and decide what to do. I'm curious what is that? Moving back? Paying for her treatment? Taking care of her kids? I would like to know. I'm not concerned about dating other people. I'm trying to mange my expectation. Time isn't always a good measurement of seriousness of relationship, i know plenty people who got engaged within 6 months of meeting, also heard stories of 10 years of hookup buddies. He has been actively talking about "future", then i want to know what am i getting myself into. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 11, 2018 Share Posted January 11, 2018 Then send him a sweet snail mail I'm thinking of you card. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 11, 2018 Share Posted January 11, 2018 Right now family is all that matters to him. You are trivial by comparison to a family crisis. We only have so much time and energy, especially emotional energy. All his is taken right now. You need to totally back off and not contact him until he contacts you, and then keep it short and undemanding and not ask for time or to see him unless he asks you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted January 11, 2018 Share Posted January 11, 2018 Is he close with his sister? Do you know roughly how old she is? Does she have children? These are all factors that can complicate the situation for him. My bf's ex-wife was recently diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. He is not the most open person when it comes to sharing feelings, and it usually takes a while for him to get comfortable enough to share. I accept this about him and know he will share with me when he's ready. The situation puts an enormous amount of pressure on him, financially, emotionally, and especially fear for the future of his children. He lost his own mother to cancer at a young age, so there are also a lot of painful memories coming up. Your bf may be struggling with issues like how her illness will affect his family and the repercussions to everyone, possibly financially or geographically. It may be conjuring up painful memories. It may be uncomfortable for you to sit back and wait for him to share his feelings, but you really don't have much choice. If he keeps his distance and won't open up to you, consider that has good information about him and his coping style. Just ride it out. If you have offered to be there when he needs you, then do that. Give him time to show you who he is. Link to post Share on other sites
TunaCat Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 His sister has cancer and that's ALL you need to know. His biggest concern is probably whether or not she'll survive. He's probably worried about their parents, her children (if she has any) and the rest of his family. If someone in MY family had cancer, the last thing I'd be thinking about is someone I've only been seeing for 3.5 months. He needs time to decide what he is going to do, so back off and GIVE him that time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ly399 Posted January 12, 2018 Author Share Posted January 12, 2018 Is he close with his sister? Do you know roughly how old she is? Does she have children? These are all factors that can complicate the situation for him. Your bf may be struggling with issues like how her illness will affect his family and the repercussions to everyone, possibly financially or geographically. Just ride it out. If you have offered to be there when he needs you, then do that. Give him time to show you who he is. He opened up yesterday. To my surprise, he was thinking how to talk to her. I found out that he and his sister had terrible relationship growing up. They haven't talk for almost 20 yrs... It's not my place to judge, i didn't grow up in his household, it's very difficult for me to imagine the level of grudge since my family always reconcile within an hour, the longest was a week.. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 Allow him the space and time he needs. The family is going through hell right now finding out that his sister has cancer. Right now your relationship is on hold so just tell him you're sorry for all that they are going through and if he needs anything to let you know. Instead of feeling bad or insecure, be a friend. Make meals and do some grocery shopping for the family. (have you met them?) Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 (edited) People react to cancer or life threatening illness in themselves - or in their family very differently. Each person is different. As a cancer survivor myself - my journey, feelings, and pain where different than some other cancer patients or survivors - and the same as some. Some people with cancer - stand up tall and are strong and open , others close up and are sad. Some fight to live - others go as far as to consider death. You dont know how his sister is reacting to her cancer. My wife and I react to such events differently. Example - when my mom was in her last week or two of life (hospice) and we went back to my home town - my wife all of a sudden wanted to "F my brains out" every night. We struggle in a low sex marriage - and normally that would have been a welcome thing - but I wanted NO such interaction. She wanted this kind of comfort - or to offer it to me - and I was in shock and needed to just pull the sheets over my head. In your case - At a minimum just send him regular (like every couple of days or once a week) text,emails, or leave messages saying "I am sorry whats happening, if there is anything you need - I am here for you" and leave him to find what comfort he needs. Edited January 13, 2018 by dichotomy Link to post Share on other sites
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