6 months later - random what if thoughts

[justateach]

So my ex and I were together for 4 years, and have sort of been broken up for nearly the past year. It has been complicated due to circumstances, so lets say of that year maybe 6 months at best has been properly broken up.

 

A bit of background, we are both teachers who met at uni, graduated together and decided to move to the country for a change (mostly my idea). As a result we decided to move in together. I had a slightly easier job, and had much more free time, therefore felt neglected as she worked nearly all the time. This caused us to take a break, and I moved out with a colleague. This worked well for the year, and at the start of last year we moved back in. We were fairly happy with where things were, both in the relationship and in our jobs. Then a lot of issues started becoming much more significant. Her workplace became a toxic place, which she hated, it made her physically sick to even think about going to work (but she still did for her wonderful students), she felt socially isolated from friends and family, and became very negative about just about everything. Again, we realised this wasn't good for either of us, and eventually I convinced her to take action to quit her job and move back with her parents for stability (this was her first time living out of home). She had the courage to move June 2017 back home, of which I happily helped her as I wanted the best for her.

 

The last 6 months have been a mish-mash of an awkward friends. For the most part during school terms we barely communicated (which was good), and over school holidays we caught up a couple of times. Although she had moved home and was feeling better, she noted to me once that something was still missing, and that it was being together. But she knew now wasn't the time, as she said she was dealing with a few issues and barely had the time or energy to support someone else (a previous problem, due to me being needy - her words).

 

So fast forward to the present. I have quite enjoyed our time 'separated', it has given me great freedom to work towards my own goals, something I had somewhat put to the side as a couple. I have had the time to really focus on my job and improve myself as a teacher in my first year in a classroom (previously was an art teacher), I have established myself as a leader for use of technology in the school, been made permanent ongoing, and have finally started my long term dream of building my first house! It honestly has been great, and I'm so excited to build on these things in 2018.

 

So after that long post you're probably wondering, what's the point of all this? Well, the last 2 days have really hit out of nowhere. I've bene thinking about her a lot, the relationship, what happened and why can't we be together?

It has really been on my mind, lots of what ifs?

It probably doesn't help that on multiple different occasions we have been very honest with each other that we miss or really appreciate each other, that we had something really good. But we both know that currently with the distance between us and both of us pursuing our own paths that neither of us are going to cross paths for a little while. I know she needs to be back home to settle herself and regain some confidence and faith in teaching (caused by previous toxic school) and she knows that I have a plan to be in the country at least for 2-3 more years to build my house and really develop myself as a technology teacher/leader (they are not upto date in the country compared to city).

 

So that's the situation, we both haven't quite moved on, but she doesn't want to 'go backwards' by keeping our relationship somewhat more casual as it has been, which we have both enjoyed. We know that we aren't directly going to cross paths unless one of us makes a sacrifice personally, of which I'm proud I have stuck to something for me, as previously we were going to move back home this at the end of the year, as that is what she needed.

 

But why is this on my mind all of a sudden? We haven't been in contact for a few months. Yet I (both of us) am afraid to completely move on and close the door for good. We have both said it doesn't feel right seeing other people, or they don't compare. Because we haven't been blunt and said its not going to work too bad. For me I find that a horrible thing to do, just because of location. Why can't we try and make something work?

On the flip side, I have made a list with plenty of reasons why not to get back together as well. Just don't know if to let it go and, tough luck that it didn't work out now, or to maybe have a serious think and ask some questions to get a definitive answer.

 

Though at times I have had no problem moving on but still it doesn't feel right when meeting new people, I feel that I am somehow betraying her, and I don't want to close that possible door because I was taking a look around.

 

 

Sorry for the really long story. Hopefully some of it made sense, this is a very condensed version of a complicated year.

 

Any advice? I find it really strange that I have become so stuck on these thoughts out of nowhere. Prior to this, I have been feeling greatly independent and achieving my goals. Then this has kept be stuck around the house doing nothing, just thinking. What's wrong?

Edited January 11, 2018 by justateach

[Flove]

Hi,

 

I think it's great that you and her care about each other and have a lot of respect for each other's wellbeing and future. I salute you!

 

But the situation you're in right now is exactly what you're saying: "not closing the door". If you see a real future with this girl, I would tell her how you feel and somehow find a way in being together.

 

But if you want to move on, I would close the door. Or tell her you want to fully move on.

 

The "what ifs" are going to keep coming if you don't do anything about this situation. Go for it or close it. At least then you will know and it might give you some peace of mind.