Not moving yet, Not sure either!

[carabianca]

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now but we now live in different countries. I have 2 Masters degrees and a decent job while his job is not well paying as he's only done high school. I tried to encourage him since the beginning to look for a better job, I revamped his CV but he's never gotten around to applying like most people do. His level of confidence is very low and it seems like a lost cause. I've lived independently in many countries for years while he's lived with his parents, once with a gf and now shares an apartment with his brother. We are in love but we never talk about marriage because he says he's not there financially. If we want to be together it means i'd have to quite my job here, go and get a place on rent close to him and look for a job. That's not possible for me right now. If he had an apartment of his own it would be simpler. I don't know how to resolve this financial disparity or even if it's resolvable.

[d0nnivain]

Have you ever met in person?

 

It seems like your lives are on vastly different tracks. I suspect he likes the LDR you have because it only requires minimal effort on his part -- some calls, some texts, maybe a Skype session or two, all basically free from the comfort of his own home on his parents' dime. To actually move or get a better job is more effort than he's willing to put forth.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I agree with Donnivain that it sounds like your lives are on two different tracks. I don't think this is necessarily an issue of "financial disparity" as much as it's an issue of "get-up-and-go disparity." Sounds like you possess motivation and he does not. Do you think this is gonna still be working 20 years from now?

[carabianca]

Actually guys, we met in person and I was living in NY while he lives in NJ. Out of the two years we spent majority of the time together. We've been apart since August 2017. We lead different lives now but have a common bond. Everyday we speak on the phone several times, then there's the occasional Skype, photos etc.It's just hard now...

[d0nnivain]

An unemployed guy living in NJ can't afford to live in NY. Also you said you live in different countries. B&T jokes not withstanding, they really aren't different countries. Until he demonstrates some more drive & desire I would not hitch my wagon to this if I were you.

[carabianca]

Ok he's not unemployed. He works but it's just not a high paying job like I said. I USED to live in NY but now I'm in a different country while he's still in NJ. Why do I get the feeling that nothing I'm saying is getting across to the people who are replying? Is this forum supposed to be helpful?

[LovelyRose]

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now but we now live in different countries. I have 2 Masters degrees and a decent job while his job is not well paying as he's only done high school. I tried to encourage him since the beginning to look for a better job, I revamped his CV but he's never gotten around to applying like most people do. His level of confidence is very low and it seems like a lost cause. I've lived independently in many countries for years while he's lived with his parents, once with a gf and now shares an apartment with his brother. We are in love but we never talk about marriage because he says he's not there financially. If we want to be together it means i'd have to quite my job here, go and get a place on rent close to him and look for a job. That's not possible for me right now. If he had an apartment of his own it would be simpler. I don't know how to resolve this financial disparity or even if it's resolvable.

 

 

The solution to your issue depends on what matters to you most, what are you willing to accept and let go.

 

Your concerns are valid though. Most of my past relationships I was the one earning more so I was the one paying for a lot of stuff. I didn't mind at that time. But eventually it got old. I wanted a partner that has goals in life. Which I have finally found.

 

You said you're in love. So ask yourself what are the things you are willing to sacrifice for love?

 

You always have options girl. You don't have to move to where he is. He can move to you by you guys moving in together. Which means you paying most of the bills. I'm not saying that's what you should do. I'm just showing you another option. Though I am aware it's not a great option.

 

I too didn't go to college but I have worked my way up to where I make pretty decent income. You feel like he's a lost cause because he doesn't even want to try. Sadly, only he can help himself. He needs to want to better himself. If he's content where he's at, then nothing you can do but take him for what he is or cut your losses.

[LovelyRose]

Ok he's not unemployed. He works but it's just not a high paying job like I said. I USED to live in NY but now I'm in a different country while he's still in NJ. Why do I get the feeling that nothing I'm saying is getting across to the people who are replying? Is this forum supposed to be helpful?

 

I read your posts clearly but I am not clear on what exactly you are looking for? Are you just complaining that your boyfriend doesn't make good money? You said it will be much simpler if he has his own apartment. Why!!??? So you can move in with him?

 

You're not very clear therefore you're not getting a clear advice. This forum can only help you and advise you on what you write.

[carabianca]

Thanks for your responses LovelyRose. The purpose is not to complain but to find a solution.

 

I was looking for a job in NY and had surgery too so things got complicated and my funds ran out. I had to come back to my country and live with my parents and find a job here in the meantime to pay my financial obligations. My boyfriend doesn't want to move here. I have a decent job here but I haven't lived here for over 15 years so I wanna move back to the US or Europe anyways but it make take some saving and a couple of years. If he had an apartment in NJ/NY I could move there and continue looking for a job after which of course i'd be able to pay for everything. Since i'm very ambitious I struggle with his position of being stuck in a low paying job and not trying hard at all.

 

I'm making a 2 week trip to Italy and asked him to come with me so we could spend time together. He said he'll see but probably won't be able to afford it. I offered to pay for everything except his plan ticket and food cost. He's still not sure. I don't know what to do or how to convince him to overcome his situation and be happier cuz it bothers him too. I also don't know how we'll every meet, this LDR is getting harder by the day. I'm 36 and all my relations failed so far except this one so I'm hesitant to make rash decisions. He has a lot of qualities that I like but I have a hard time defining what I'm willing to sacrifice. He's been there with me for all difficult times and truly cares.

[O'Malley]

I'd focus on getting your life back on track - if you want to move to the U.S. or Europe, then work on what needs to be done to achieve that goal. Then, if you're still involved with this man, make some decisions about where the relationship is headed. Until then, what relationship you have is in limbo. Don't prioritize romantic potential over your professional and financial well being.

 

Unfortunately when it comes to relationships, location and financial circumstances can't always be overcome. I think that your boyfriend is realistic about the situation not working out....he can barely afford to live on his own, he might have enough pride that he doesn't want you to fund his lifestyle, possibly he would prefer to date someone that lives closer to him. If it doesn't work out, it'll be painful but you'll move on. You're only in your thirties, you will relocate and and be happy in other relationships in your future.

[d0nnivain]

Ok he's not unemployed. He works but it's just not a high paying job like I said. I USED to live in NY but now I'm in a different country while he's still in NJ. Why do I get the feeling that nothing I'm saying is getting across to the people who are replying? Is this forum supposed to be helpful?

 

 

Sorry that was a typo. I meant underemployed.

 

Let me see if I follow: you met when you both lived in NY. At some point he moved to NJ & you moved to a different country. Is that correct?

 

Either way, I still don't see him having the drive to match your ambition. So you either need to take him as he is -- underemployed with no desire to upgrade & low self confidence or you need to walk away. You are not going to inspire him to suddenly become ambitious.

 

He knows there are disparities. That may be contributing to his reluctance to travel with you. He also can't afford it. When you say you will cover everything except his plane ticket & food, what would you be paying for, the hotel alone? Conservatively for a week you are still expecting him to cough up $1400 assuming a $700 plane ticket & only $100 per day in food.

 

At 36 if you want to settle down, he is probably not your guy.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

Sorry that was a typo. I meant underemployed.

 

Let me see if I follow: you met when you both lived in NY. At some point he moved to NJ & you moved to a different country. Is that correct?

 

Either way, I still don't see him having the drive to match your ambition. So you either need to take him as he is -- underemployed with no desire to upgrade & low self confidence or you need to walk away. You are not going to inspire him to suddenly become ambitious.

 

He knows there are disparities. That may be contributing to his reluctance to travel with you. He also can't afford it. When you say you will cover everything except his plane ticket & food, what would you be paying for, the hotel alone? Conservatively for a week you are still expecting him to cough up $1400 assuming a $700 plane ticket & only $100 per day in food.

 

At 36 if you want to settle down, he is probably not your guy.

 

I can guarantee you that you will not be happy. There is nothing wrong w/someone working to get somewhere, but this guy isn't. I dated a guy LD for about 6 months, same deal pretty much except he didn't have a steady job. I encouraged him and that didn't help at all. I'm not the most ambitious person, but at least I try. I hated being the one to have to pay ALL travel expenses and paying most of the fun when he came over. Thankfully he ended up dumping me, blessing in disguise and having an equal partner is a lot better. You will want better and someone equal cause if you ever wanna go somewhere you will always foot the bill.

Edited January 13, 2018 by I'veseenbetterlol

[carabianca]

Yea I was living in NY but he was still living in NJ. He never lived in NY it's too expensive for him. We officially started dating on the 24th of March 2016. I came back in August 2017. I have seen that my encouragement does get him anywhere. He's stubborn and I'm too ambitious but I'm also in love. All the responses are helpful, I also don't see us getting anywhere. But for some reason I don't have the heart to break up with him just yet. He deeply cares about me and wouldn't date anyone else. I just don't know how to deal with this situation, LDR is hard but without it i'd be heartbroken. I can't relate to anyone here so I don't think i'd find anyone here anyways, life is different. Is there harm in continuing to be in touch till i move again? Should I talk to him about the things that bother me...

[justwhoiam]

It won't last. You're only at the dating stage and you're already making him feel like he's not enough for you and complaining about him (his finances, his housing arrangement, his lack of ambition, him not wanting to move abroad, etc.) It's too much to be solved without a magic wand.

 

i'm very ambitious

Your type of ambition requires finding a rich man who can sustain your lifestyle goals, travels abroad and whatnot. Just one warning for you: very ambitious people are never happy, not even when they reach their nearest goal, as they have a need to set up more goals going on. So chances are you won't be happy even with a nice lifestyle, money and a man who will be a good provider. This might not be your case, but might as well be. Just keep that in mind.

 

Also, regardless of your ambition, you might be inconsistent in his eyes (you came across as such to me, and I don't even know you). Men tend to work their way towards being steady and comfortable. You need excitement and inspiration. And well, these things (especially on extremes) might go on two different tracks that seldom meet. According to what you wrote on here, despite your self praising, you ran out of money, to the point you had to leave NYC (I assume you were in NYC as you said it was expensive). You could have handled things differently, you could have found some cheap solution in NJ, but you didn't. A lot of people commute from NJ. Now, despite the fact that you recently found yourself out of money, as soon as you made some money, you arranged a two-week vacation to Italy. Again, you could have travelled to him, you could have saved the money to move back to the U.S... See what I'm saying? You seem to be making decisions that might not be in your mutual interest as a couple, your choices didn't show any interest in working towards that future goal you're complaining about. In short, it sounds like a case of pot calling the kettle black. Useless.

 

I offered to pay for everything except his plan ticket and food cost.

So you'd be paying for what? Entry to museums and the hotel that you'd be paying for yourself anyway? Why didn't you go to him instead?

 

it bothers him too.

Of course it does, it's frustrating when it feels like you're not enough for the one you're in love with.

 

Just think how you'd feel if he made you feel like you were not enough. If he made comments on how other women have better skin or nicer hair, or carried themselves better... Embrace diversity. Some people have two master's degrees, others barely get to a high school degree, others don't have any degree at all. So what? We were not made all the same.

 

Also, you're complaining about him, but he has his own place shared with his brother. While you, at 36, are still living with your parents. Pot calling the kettle black, really.

 

Figure out what you really want, first. And be consistent.

[basil67]

Is he good at looking after himself at home? For example, takes turns cooking for the family, does his own washing, ironing, puts in effort with the cleaning.

 

If so, you may have the perfect father/house husband on your hands. You could be the primary income earner and he would care for children and the house.