Why won’t she stop?

[Smj]

I have an OW/OM question. I’m new to this, this is my it’s post. I don’t want to offend anyone, I’m not meaning to be hurtful, I just need to understand

 

Background - maybe long

 

Married 32 years, I’m 51, he’s 55. She’s 43. Had a boyfriend who dumped her when he found out, got a new one very fast.

Aug 5th was our DD1

 

On a weds they met in hall - she ran up, hugged him told him he was hot. Stuck her phone number in his pocket. They started sexting that evening. That weekend he left for 2 weeks of training. She drove down 7 hours, and spent the following Saturday night, went back the next Thursday and Friday. Yes it was a PA - 2 1/2 weeks total from the weds to the Saturday.

 

The Saturday he drove home, she went to her home. I knew immediately something was wrong, he confessed, I ended up in hospital. She posted while I was in ER, I found this out later, a picture of herself in bed title “blessed”. Yes they talked on the phone while I was in the ER, she tried to convince him to leave me there, “in care” and go to her. She’s a nurse.

 

Then after he was back at work the next week he was telling me at home it was over, manipulating me, and going to work where they flirted, etc. I’ve seen the emails, etc, at week 3 of this she was demanding more and more and he ended it. Again.

 

Coincidently the same day he came home and I told him something is still going on, and he admitted it. In that evening of hell I lost my mind. I come from a very very violent childhood, I’d gone thru IC in my 20’s when our DD was born because I realized I didn’t want to continue the cycle. But this trauma hooked up all that trauma. Flashbacks, all of it, I could smell taste the blood/feel the pain/feel the terror. I had a huge breakdown and lost 12 hours of my memory.

 

I know at one point I made him call her so I could talk to her, try to humanize myself - he was horrified at the things she said to me. He says now that’s when he realized what he’d done. I’m on AD’s and seeing a trauma specialist.

 

I left for 3 weeks, left the state - he convinced me to come back

He’s in group, IC, has an Accountability partner. He’s fully transparent, he had a polygraph and will every 6 months till he says I feel comfortable.

 

She told him her husband cheated on her and divorced her 6 months before they met, that it’s the most painful thing she’s ever been thru. He’s since been told by her best friend that she “likes to play games with men”. The best friend was telling him this “to explain her behavior” “she’s never had anyone as nice as you” she said.

 

Why won’t she stop? The OW was cut off Aug 30th.

So far she has IM’d at work - blocked

Emailed at work - blocked

Texted - blocked

Called - blocked

 

Tried having a the best friend pass him notes. In the hall. He refused.

 

We no longer have any social media at all, deleted it all.

 

Stood outside his exit at his building and stared at him. That happened for days. She stopped

 

And moved to standing by his car bumper in the “smoking area” every day when he got off

 

He changed parking, she just stood where she was “smoking” and could see him leave. I went up and watched her. She hid behind the trash can watching him. I made sure she saw me

The next day she tried to have me banned from building, which did not work. Long story but basically she was told the only person not at fault was me and if she doesn’t want it to escalate and mess up their jobs she needs to back off.

 

Then she walks down his hall and stands “smoking” where he has to walk to and from his office to the desk - at random times.

 

So - a few weeks have gone by, he and I were out of town for 3 weeks, and suddenly at his new personal email is “do you want your T-shirt back?” I have reasons to believe he didn’t give the email to her, and reasons to believe there is no contact. And another polygraph coming up. And why would he want his shirt back - can you see that conversation “hey honey, I got the T-shirt back she wore while we had sex!!”

 

She has a new boy friend, our daughter checked her Facebook - she and he are soooo in Love - they are big believers in sharing their lives online. So why?

 

Why won’t she go away? Why won’t she stop?

 

At this point he’s think HR is the only option. We’ve discussed contacting the new boyfriend. But honestly there is enough pain floating around, we just want it to stop.

 

I’m on the fence, leaning toward recovery, we have two amazing adult children, an awesome son in law (he has no family except us), and 2 beautiful grandsons - we both come from dysfunctional families, and this is all we have, us and our kids. He seems to be honestly trying to repair the damage of what he’s done, and to figure out why he did it. This the worst thing ever - I’ve never known such pain. We are having to change our lives to repair this, hoping for a better life from it.

[Poppy47]

How does she know his email? Very odd indeed.

 

Poppy.

[SammySammy]

Some people are just persistent.

 

I blocked and ignored an ex for years and she still found ways to contact me. Refused to give up.

 

People have various reason for doing it. You and your husband have to be just as persistent in doing whatever it takes to keep her out of your lives.

[BarbedFenceRider]

Wow...OW sounds very cluster B. Sorry the WH brought this into your lives. Talk about relationship terrorism.

[Smj]

Spoke to IC today

 

He said in his experience that she sent it from a personal email, HR won’t do anything. Said to change his phone number as well as completely change his email. He used a variant of his old email on his new one.

 

He also said in his experience this type of person will continue -that to expect her to try to contact him at work again, using work resources, and at that point HR can be involved.

 

We are discussing the NC letter thru an attorney, but st this point I am not sure I even want to do that.

[wmacbride]

Your story sounds similar in some ways to mine. The ow in our situation was like yours. Mentally unstable and refusing to leave us alone.

 

Years later ( ten now) she still pops her head up from time to time, even though she's married and has kids now.

 

My advice to you? Don't take it lightly. Have your spouse craft a clear and concise no contact letter. Make it business like, with no words that could be taken by her to have a hidden meaning. Include that if there is any more attempts at contact by her, and the police will be contacted, and that a response from her is not desired.

 

I would also contact a lawyer for advice, and document everything. If she does contact your spouse or you, go to the police and take out a no contact order against her. If she breaks it, have her charged. That way, she may actually be forced to get the help she needs, and in the end, that may be for the best for you, your husband and her as well.

 

I know all this may sound extreme, but sometimes, these measure are called for. Just because she has had a bad experience or has mental health/ personality issues doesn't mean she gets to take that out on you.

[Smj]

WMAC - that’s the nightmare! That she just keeps popping up! That’s why I feel like she needs to be stopped now.

 

I’m so sorry you went thru that!

[Smj]

WMAC - that’s the nightmare! That she just keeps popping up! That’s why I feel like she needs to be stopped now.

 

I’m so sorry you went thru that!

[Mr. Lucky]

I think you've moved very quickly to forgiveness for your WH and demonizing her.

 

Yes, her actions are inexcusable but who knows what lies and/or promises your H told her and what he said to her about you? Even your description of the A is one sided - "Stuck her phone number in his pocket", "She drove down 7 hours", etc. Was he powerless during this process?

 

Easy to make her the bad guy and she seems to be strenuously auditioning for the role. But if recovery is your goal, I'd forget about her and focus on rebuilding your marriage as it's a very long road. If she wants to waste her time hiding behind the dumpster and emailing blocked addresses, let her be. Others may disagree but I don't think your current focus on her benefits you in the long run. Hope things work out...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Smj]

Oh no, Mr Lucky - he is my focus. But it’s hard to focus on him/us when she won’t stop.

 

The 7 hours, note in his pocket - all confirmed by her BFF who decided to “explain her part in colluding in the A”. I listened and learned and told the BFF I want no contact at all with the OW or her BFF. She said she understood and walked away. And has respected that boundary.

 

Trust in my H is in short supply. He’s working very hard and I’m still on the fence. The story of everything is too long to tell. He has fully and still does own his side. He took the phone number, he texted her, etc. every thing he did was destructive to me. He has followed every rule and came up with more rules I didn’t think of. He did monstrous things and I may not be able to forgive.

 

But that was not my question - my question is WHY won’t she stop? She has a boyfriend, she’s 43, this is not a teenage crush. They had a 6 week affair. Not a years long one.

 

Even today - he walked off the desk and she was standing outside the door. he ignored her and walked around her - called me straight away. His boss is involved now, so I have a bit of safety there. And he’s having his second polygraph in March. Sooner if I want it.

 

4 1/2 months of being ignored, blocked, etc, and she won’t stop. It’s like a little bomb just every week, what now? Even checking the mail box worries me, I fully expect a letter any day. When I meet him to go to counseling, there she is, glaring at me. I go anyway, meet him at his office. She doesn’t even work on his side of the building!

 

And every time I think she’s gone, back she comes.

[Timshel]

I don't understand why you would choose to stay with someone you have to polygraph. A partner that you can't trust.

 

He did what he did because it made him feel good.

Now you need to polygraph him every several months and you have a loon chasing your every turn?

 

Consider being without him, if you can. It's not nearly as awful as you may think.

 

I can't imagine the amount of waking/sleeping hours that you are wasting with this craziness.

 

Life is much shorter than most anticipate and honestly Smj, there isn't a drama-filled situation that I tolerate from most, especially a woman my husband had sex with behind my back.

 

Talk with your counselor about this. Let all of the crazy go. Either get a restraining order or let her have him...sit back with popcorn and relax.

 

Take care of yourself.

[Smj]

See this is more of the long story - I just want to know why she won’t stop.

 

 

But -

Because we had a 32 year marriage that was good for all but the last few years. Because he’s doing everything to repair what he destroyed. Because even as bad as things are it’s better now then it was 6 months ago.

 

And as crazy as this sounds - because we have a grandson with autism who adored his grandfather, and would only speak to his grandfather for years. Who stopped and started avoiding his grandfather recently, but the day after I discovered he and the OW were still talking, the day he said “I’m so sorry, I get it now, and I will do anything to fix this, any thing!” and I was packing my bags, my daughter said “mom - look at this - and I followed her down the stairs and was shocked to see my grandson laughing and talking to his grandfather.

 

I still left, but he came up with the polygraph plans, etc, so I came back , he arranged an MC, and when I quit MC because it as too much, he arranged IC’s. He dragged me to a group for me. Not gonna lie, I’ve resisted every step of the way. And he’s persisted.

 

I’m a firm believer in cutting people off if I deem them unsafe. He was my rock, and what he did was more damaging than my entire childhood of hell. But he persists.

 

Which honestly makes me angry! When our marriage got rocky I wanted MC, we went to MC, I wanted him to be this person who will do anything - then!! But no, not then. Now - when he sees what he’s done, sees what he’s losing. Now.

 

So I’m on the fence. Leaning toward recovery, but ready to run at any moment.

[OneLov]

Why won’t she stop?

 

If you are confident your husband is not in contact with her and has made it very clear he is choosing to work on his marriage, then it’s clearly because she has some personal issues that need to be addressed by a professional. None of us are qualified to diagnose her nor do the forum’s rules permit pathologizing behavior.

 

I know it’s been stated, but I wouldn’t worry about figuring her issues out. I’d be more focused on determining if your husband’s behavior is objectively a contributing factor. If no, then I’d go see an attorney to find out if there are any legal remedies available to you.

Edited January 12, 2018 by OneLov

[Timshel]

See this is more of the long story - I just want to know why she won’t stop.

 

She won't stop for one of two reasons.

 

1. She has mental health issues. Get a restraining order/report her to HR.

 

2. Your husband is not being honest and stringing her along.

 

My post history will show that evaluating the mental health of any poster or subject of is not a dalliance I entertain. On the contrary.

 

Smj, marriage counseling as well as your individual counseling is a good idea.

 

I stand by my prior post.

[Mr. Lucky]

See this is more of the long story - I just want to know why she won’t stop.

 

As others have said, it's because she can't...or feels she shouldn't. Does knowing which of those are true change anything for you?

 

Put her on mental, physical, social and Internet "ignore" and go on with rebuilding your life and marriage. Any energy directed her way is taken for something more important...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Smj]

I don’t know - I guess I hoped to understand her. I guess I won’t ever.

 

And it’s true - I hurt each time it happens and that’s taking something from me. Directing me away from what’s important.

 

We have a plan now - we will just have to wait and deal each time it happens.

 

I’m sorry - I’m still in pain, still wishing to understand. Thank you all for letting me vent

[JuneL]

I also couldn't comprehend why you are staying, considering your children are grown. It's also not right for your daughter to make you stay using her autistic son. So what if your grandson only talks to your husband? They can continue to have a relationship after you two split.

[Timshel]

Don't say sorry, you are hurt. You won't ever understand her Smj.

 

The person to understand, or not, is your husband. The man who sleeps next to you in bed.

 

There isn't anything to 'figure out' beside he had sex with someone not you and was caught.....because this one is being particularly persistent.

 

That you are taking this on yourself (as so many bs do) is sickening to me.

 

I wish you and your marriage well. Lot's of married people surpass infidelity.

 

It is very unlikely that this is his first affair.

 

That said, what difference does it make? Have counseling for your own self Smj.

 

Best wishes.

[Smj]

JuneL - no, no! I didn’t explain that well. My grandson is a great judge of character. He’s 11 and all his young life he knows. The fact that he’d pulled away when WH was hiding stuff, and now he is all in again. He will have a relationship with his grandfather if I stay or leave. It just took seeing him smiling and laughing to make me think, maybe he’s being honest?

 

I stuck with may be he’s telling the truth but who cares he had an affair and manipulated me, and I left anyway. I finally came back for a few weeks, mostly to see my IC, get my car and my cat, and I’m currently doing a day by day thing - he knows I’m not all in, and it’s on him.

 

Just FYI - if it’s over I do not want the house, just car, cat, (and probably the deaf kitten he adopted right before it all went down cause I’m not leaving her with him), money - the rest is his, furniture, etc. there’s one plate and a stool that belonged to my grandmother, it all fits in my car.

 

I’m a runner by nature - he is the first person I ever trusted in my life, except my grandmother. He’s the only person I never believed would hurt me, and he did it. It’s like a great big joke! Hurt and more hurt, at 16 I run, finished school on my own, at 19 I stood still long enough to trust someone, in my 20’s I got help. We had amazing healthy strong kids, who have their own amazing kids, I mean, 32 years of happiness, not always perfect. But! Jokes on you S! Took 32 years to set it up! Isn’t it funny! There’s no one in the world who won’t hurt you! No one who isn’t bad!

 

At the ER On DD I kept pointing at people - telling the Dr - that person steals their grandmothers SS money. That person probably murders kittens - they all look normal - but they aren’t! The Dr is all / you can trust Me! I said, no, I’m pretty sure you lure teen age boys into your basement and murder them so you can eat their brains. I’m pretty sure they wrote and highlighted on my file “so very nuts!”

 

Timshel - I am going to counseling on my own. I wasn’t and still am not ready for MC. She’s a trauma specialist, deals with child abuse, ptsd, etc. it’s not easy because I felt I’d dealt with all my childhood so long ago, and she explained that this trauma pulled it all back to the surface. I had terrible flashbacks for over a week.

 

It’s like a do over from Hell.

 

My kids, my son in law, they are amazing.

[seren]

I am so sorry you are both going through this, reconciling is hard enough without dealing with an OW who won't give it up. Only you and your H know what you are both doing to try to reconcile. I and my husband (XWH) were together a long time when he had his affair and I balanced all that we had with the A and decided what we had was good enough to work on reconciling. The OW was constantly popping up after 6 years and a 650 mile move, I had empathy for her, helped her, but still she kept on trying to insert herself into our life.

 

yes, I knew that H had responsibility for the A and my hurt, but her constant attempts after it ended to be in our lives became a problem. I didn't want to take action against her, I figured she was hurt and had enough drama in her own marriage without me adding to her issues, but, enough became enough and we had to involve the police.

 

it is the problem of both you and your husband and as such a desist letter is essential and should come from you both, if this fails then I am afraid it cannot be ignored and an official letter is the next step. Don't let it drag on, it is hard enough dealing with the A and reconciling without all this. It doesn't have to be nasty, but you really don't nor should you have to, have this. I wish you the very best in reconciling, we are 10 years on from D Day and very happy. It can work, looking ahead instead of back is hard when the OW just won't take no for an answer. x

[Smj]

Thank you for the support Seren. I do wish our OW was married, then i would screen shot the emails etc, and send them to him.