Should I Just Move On

[krissi_kris]

My BH and I have been together for 9 years, married for 6 years and have a 7 year old daughter together. We met when I was 19 and he 24 in 2009, have been together since. Our marriage has had its ups and downs, mainly financially but through it all we have stuck together. We never had any issues with trust but we did have issues with communication, and openness with one and other, mainly due to me being verbally abusive to him. I deflected a lot of internal conflicts with myself onto him, which in turn caused him to shut down a few years into the marriage. I was selfish, inconsiderate, unaffectionate and pretty much only saw him as a extension of myself, and with that any shortcomings of my own, I blamed on him, and was mean, really mean. He has recently opened up to me and said that I made him feel stupid at times, alone, unloved and less than a man. Throughout, the marriage I always threatened to leave him if he didn't step up to the plate. I always felt like I had to take care of everything and make the decisions for our family. He worked hard to provide, but managing our family was left up to me. He admits that he was irresponsible. In June 2016 we moved back in with his parents for the third time, everything was manageable but in March of 2017 he lost a good paying job, the same week I started a relatively decent paying job, it was a huge blow. After the frustration wore off, I encouraged him to finish obtaining his personal training certs, which he did and we begin the process of trying to start a small PT business. Eventually, I begin to feel as if I was putting more effort into building something for him than he. I worked full-time, went to school part-time and again, was responsible for managing most of our lives. Around this time I met a girl in my training class, who I connected with and we began to flirt, flirting turned to hanging out. In May 2017, told BH that I was moving out, tired of feeling like I was the only one putting real effort into helping our family grow, I told him I was unhappy, didn't love him and never liked him. At points I told him I wanted a divorce other times that we needed time to work on ourselves individually. I moved into my own apartment in July of 2017 and the girl I was seeing and I began a sexual relationship, at the time our connection was so strong, she made me feel a way that I had never felt before. I liked her, but I just had a connection I wasn't in love, she however told me that she had fallen for me. That same month he met a fitness model at a fitness show. BH and her began a relationship, and apparently fell madly in love. By August they were planning to spend their lives together. This led to a big blowout between us in August, with me telling him to choose. Ultimately, he said he wanted to work on our marriage, but after seeing him cry over the loss, I told him to do whatever makes him happy. He went back to her. Between Sept. 17 and Dec. 17, I begged him to come back to his family, He would tell me that I should let him have his moment as I did. He then began to tell me that I wouldn't understand and their love for one another was unlike anything he'd ever experienced. During this time I maintained a relationship with the woman I'd been seeing, for fear of hurting her feelings. In October of 2017, I slipped into a deep depression and attempted suicide. My BH and family were devastated. He offered to work on the marriage if that would help me, I told him I didn't know. I broke things off with woman I was seeing. In December of 2017, he told me that the OW is pregnant, they are keeping the baby and he will be there for her and the child. He told me to let him go and that he has already let me go. He told me that I should just move on. I have never felt this much guilt, pain, shame and hurt in my life. I've realized what a crappy person I'd been, I feel this all happened for a reason and that God was forcing me to change. I've been forced to come to terms with a lot about myself and realized my shortcomings. I am working hard and praying to change. However, I can't get over him, I love him and even told him if willing, I would help him support the child as his wife. He declined. I don't want to divorce! I am still holding out hope, should I just let him go and move on, or fight for our marriage/family? Any feedback is appreciated!

Edited January 12, 2018 by krissi_kris

[PegNosePete]

Yes you should move on. This is a terrible relationship, and you two are clearly not well suited for each other. You should divorce him, and let him get on with his new life with his new girlfriend. And you should start to build a good life for yourself and your daughter. This marriage should have ended many years ago. Time to stop flogging the dead horse.

[Just a Guy]

Hi krissi, sorry to find you here in so much pain. You know there is a saying which goes like this- There is no point locking the stable door after the horse has bolted'! I think you are well aware by now that you did everything to kill your marriage by your attitude and for you to realize that you love your husband after treating him like dirt and abandoning him, you cannot expect him to reciprocate that love, all the more so if he has been feeling for a long time now that you did not love him and he was only a punching bag for you to vent your frustrations on. Whatever love he may have started out with at the beginning of your relationship must have dried up a long time ago. In the mean time he had found himself a new woman and had sealed the deal with her by making her pregnant. One cannot set the clock back.

 

You have realized yourself that this disastrous relationship was a means for you to discover the flaws within yourself. If you have learned of your faults then that by itself means that your experience had not been a waste of time. Use that knowledge to work on yourself to eradicate these flaws and become more wholesome. That will stand you in good stead down the line when you find someone with whom you can build a family again. Let your husband go and make his life with his new partner. He deserves to be happy after having been treated so unfairly by you during your marriage. You, too, will find someone I'm due course and will be able to lead a happy life. Apparently, you have a good sense of perception and are also honest about what you did to destroy your marriage. These traits will stand you in good stead in your next relationship. Warm wishes.

[BarbedFenceRider]

So just to recap.

 

You are an abuser.

You are a manipulator and controller.

You are a cheater. And a quitter.

 

Also, you are also gay. Which you haven't come to terms with.

 

He feels beaten up.

He feels betrayed.

He feels emasculated by the cheating and you coming out as gay.

He moves on and finds a fitness hottie to adore him and start a new life.

 

And you wanted him back...And started a mania cycle with attempts of suicide.

 

You were too young to get into this, and yes, you have a lot to work out for yourself, without dragging him down further. Let him go.

[NHope]

My BH and I have been together for 9 years, married for 6 years and have a 7 year old daughter together. We met when I was 19 and he 24 in 2009, have been together since. Our marriage has had its ups and downs, mainly financially but through it all we have stuck together. We never had any issues with trust but we did have issues with communication, and openness with one and other, mainly due to me being verbally abusive to him. I deflected a lot of internal conflicts with myself onto him, which in turn caused him to shut down a few years into the marriage. I was selfish, inconsiderate, unaffectionate and pretty much only saw him as a extension of myself, and with that any shortcomings of my own, I blamed on him, and was mean, really mean. He has recently opened up to me and said that I made him feel stupid at times, alone, unloved and less than a man. Throughout, the marriage I always threatened to leave him if he didn't step up to the plate. I always felt like I had to take care of everything and make the decisions for our family. He worked hard to provide, but managing our family was left up to me. He admits that he was irresponsible. In June 2016 we moved back in with his parents for the third time, everything was manageable but in March of 2017 he lost a good paying job, the same week I started a relatively decent paying job, it was a huge blow. After the frustration wore off, I encouraged him to finish obtaining his personal training certs, which he did and we begin the process of trying to start a small PT business. Eventually, I begin to feel as if I was putting more effort into building something for him than he. I worked full-time, went to school part-time and again, was responsible for managing most of our lives. Around this time I met a girl in my training class, who I connected with and we began to flirt, flirting turned to hanging out. In May 2017, told BH that I was moving out, tired of feeling like I was the only one putting real effort into helping our family grow, I told him I was unhappy, didn't love him and never liked him. At points I told him I wanted a divorce other times that we needed time to work on ourselves individually. I moved into my own apartment in July of 2017 and the girl I was seeing and I began a sexual relationship, at the time our connection was so strong, she made me feel a way that I had never felt before. I liked her, but I just had a connection I wasn't in love, she however told me that she had fallen for me. That same month he met a fitness model at a fitness show. BH and her began a relationship, and apparently fell madly in love. By August they were planning to spend their lives together. This led to a big blowout between us in August, with me telling him to choose. Ultimately, he said he wanted to work on our marriage, but after seeing him cry over the loss, I told him to do whatever makes him happy. He went back to her. Between Sept. 17 and Dec. 17, I begged him to come back to his family, He would tell me that I should let him have his moment as I did. He then began to tell me that I wouldn't understand and their love for one another was unlike anything he'd ever experienced. During this time I maintained a relationship with the woman I'd been seeing, for fear of hurting her feelings. In October of 2017, I slipped into a deep depression and attempted suicide. My BH and family were devastated. He offered to work on the marriage if that would help me, I told him I didn't know. I broke things off with woman I was seeing. In December of 2017, he told me that the OW is pregnant, they are keeping the baby and he will be there for her and the child. He told me to let him go and that he has already let me go. He told me that I should just move on. I have never felt this much guilt, pain, shame and hurt in my life. I've realized what a crappy person I'd been, I feel this all happened for a reason and that God was forcing me to change. I've been forced to come to terms with a lot about myself and realized my shortcomings. I am working hard and praying to change. However, I can't get over him, I love him and even told him if willing, I would help him support the child as his wife. He declined. I don't want to divorce! I am still holding out hope, should I just let him go and move on, or fight for our marriage/family? Any feedback is appreciated!

 

I'm sorry for your situation, but I understand reaping the consequences to one's actions. I have also made some poor choices in my life and didn't always get what I wanted because of it. It sounds like he is happy with his new woman and child, so I suggest letting him be happy if you really care about him. I know it's hard, but as long as you have learned something to, you can also go on with your life and find someone to start over with and know how to treat him well now. I've learned we all make mistakes, but don't let them keep you down. Learn from them and move on. Life doesn't end with our bad choices. They can even be turned around for our good!! Keep hope.

[Marc878]

He’s already gone. Sorry but he actually gave you what you wanted.

 

He’ll never be happy with you. Do both of you a big favor and let this go.