Tired of partner's attention seeking ways.

[Violetstar]

As women we definitely notice that type of thing quickly! At this point I'm assuming that because he got you he Believes can get anyone. I'm sure that you love him but he is being disrespectful. If he wants to subtly check out a waitress or flirt He needs to do it on his own time and not when he's out with you! And who asks for a recipe at a restaurant? Has he done this before with male staff? I doubt it. I'm assuming that at this point you are absolutely fed up with his behavior. The honeymoon period does end between 1.5-2 years. But that kind of behavior shouldn't happen until you're married and bored with life, If at all! And if you don't bring it up with him it's just going to get much worse.

 

Men are idiots and they think we do not notice their special attention or their double glances at other women but we notice everything. Bring it up!

[NomiMalone]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and support. I'm really grateful for the perspectives on this forum.

 

S2B, I definitely agree he behaved like an A hole that night. I did approach him about it that night back at home. I was upset and accusatory, which put him on the defensive. He got angry and said he couldn't believe I was making such a big deal over "nothing", alleging that I was simply stressed out as we had a large bunch of friends from interstate due for arrival for a holiday in our city the next day, and I'd been making plans for their trip. I yelled back at him. He was extra kind and caring to me when our friends were here, and I took that for his "version" of an apology. I chalked that birthday dinner up to a mistake, i.e., everyone makes mistakes. I've certainty made a fair share of them.

 

Regarding him leaving our table to pay the bill - not defending his behaviour that night in any way, but this is quite the norm in our country. In fact, I'd say 90% of the time we get the bill at the cashier. But then again, the restaurants we tend to visit aren't exactly of the fine dining variety.

 

His behaviour in this regard has toned down considerably since the birthday evening, and now are more along the lines of my second example.

 

Violetstar, thanks for chiming in. Good on you for leaving those relationships that made you uncomfortable. It shows a good sense of self respect, and self awareness of what type of personality would be most suitable for you in a partner. I wish you all the best!

 

Exactly my point about asking for the recipe! That's what my mum said to me too when I asked for her opinion - "who on earth does that in a restaurant!?"

 

Hesitant to give him a taste of his own medicine by behaving in a similar way to male waiters on a date, as I'd rather just walk away from this relationship if the birthday dinner incident would be repeated in any way.

[deanmoriarty]

Hey there. I totally get your point. Talk to him about it. Don’t blame him, don’t judge him, don’t hurt him. Express yourself very clearly. Tell him you don’t like it when he openly becomes an attention seeker only in front of females. Tell him that you don’t like it and that’s all. If he can say to you that he appreciates if you don’t act a little flirty, you have the right, too. If he forgets, remind him.

 

Most men appreciate a clear, good talk with no drama. If he starts blaming you, there is something wrong and he is not telling you.

 

If he keeps doing it to the point you can’t take it anymore, it means you are not and have not been compatible. End it if you can. Life is too short to lead a miserable life with the wrong person.

 

I used to be like this but not only in front of women. I used to be an attention seeker at every social gathering and I would talk and talk and talk and flirt (harmlessly) and make jokes to the point where I would become physically tired. It turned out to be a result of not getting enough attention from my cheating ex-wife. After we were divorced, I found myself not doing that kind of stuff anymore. I am not saying you are not giving him attention—don’t get me wrong. Maybe this would resonate with something that would be helpful for you to get down to the core of the problem.

 

Just don’t retaliate by saying “How would you feel if I did the same?” or doing what he does.

 

All the best.

Edited January 15, 2018 by deanmoriarty
Addition

[Just a Guy]

Hi Nomi, I have only one bit of advice for you. Since your relationship is not yet written in stone you have an opportunity to take a call on it and get out of it now. If you sweep your issues under the carpet they will come to haunt you down the line when,, possibly, you have solidified your relationship with your BF and got married to him. What seem minor irritations just now can turn into serious relationship dissensions later on. Respect for one's partner in a relationship is paramount. Just as trust is. If these two are missing or are diminished then the relationship is as good as dead.

 

It seems to me, and I may be wrong here, that you are minimizing your SO's grave shortcomings while maximizing his good points. It is understandable that you would want to do this because you are loyal to him. However, the very fact that you chose to come to this forum with your problem indicates that at a subliminal level you are uncomfortable with his behavioural characteristics and their underlying reasons. It is better to have loved and lost than to be so lost in love that one loses oneself. Something to think about. Decisiveness is the key here. Warm wishes.

Edited January 15, 2018 by Just a Guy

[Been]

His behaviour has become unacceptable. He goes out of his way to flirt with the FEMALES in front of you and that's just plain wrong.

He is MAKING you feel insecure and who wouldn't if someone was doing that in front of your face?

I feel that when your out with your SO they should have your undivided attention. You shouldn't have to try to gain the attention of the opposite sex for whatever reason.

And yet you tolerate it. You should call him out on it. Tell him to either knock it off or find someone else.

[S2B]

His behaviour has become unacceptable. He goes out of his way to flirt with the FEMALES in front of you and that's just plain wrong.

He is MAKING you feel insecure and who wouldn't if someone was doing that in front of your face?

I feel that when your out with your SO they should have your undivided attention. You shouldn't have to try to gain the attention of the opposite sex for whatever reason.

And yet you tolerate it. You should call him out on it. Tell him to either knock it off or find someone else.

 

I agree - you're gonna have to be blatantly honest about how he's hurting you - and be ready to walk away if he blames you again! That is totally not right that he would turn it on you.

[NomiMalone]

An update - so I have broken up with him.

 

His general lack of empathy has made this relationship completely unworkable. In most instances throughout the relationship where I'd been upset about something in relation to him, he'd yell at me about "making a big deal out of nothing", and turn it back on me. I'd yell back that he was being unreasonable. He'd yell back, and so forth, with things getting ugly quickly. It's reached a point where it had become impossible for me to remain in the relationship.

 

Packing up my stuff alone today, I had the sudden urge to snoop. And low and behold, I came across something that indicates there's a chance he could've been unfaithful to me at the beginning of our relationship.

 

The evidence is highly inconclusive and hence I've decided not to let on to him that I've found what I did. (I'm hesitant to elaborate on this on a public forum, but to all who's commented and supported me on this thread, please feel free to PM me for the full story. I'd love to hear from you.)

 

I've also decided to let it go and not bring it up with him, because ultimately, bringing it up with him would make no difference to where we're at now - already broken up.

 

I've already ended things on very amicable terms, and would prefer for things to stay amicable, considering I know in my heart that by having left him, I've dodged a giant bullet.

 

Part of me is absolutely horrified at the thought he could've been unfaithful, but a small part of me views the finding as a blessing in disguise, the "silver lining" being that the possibility of infidelity has put a completely different spin on things. Any reconciliation is now impossible, and in time when I'm ready, I can move on without hesitation given I've been given some sort of closure (even though unexpected!)

 

Thinking back now, there were so many lies of his that I just blindly

swept under the carpet, simply attributing them to the fact that he has a bad memory and that he simply remembered things wrong.

 

But all the same, I'm absolutely devastated. He was a man who adored me, was patient and kind with me, and cuddled me to sleep every night. I cannot reconcile that with the man who could turn angry and cold, without one shred of empathy (and the man who could've maybe even cheated on me and outright lied to me).

 

Does anyone know how someone can be like that?

 

I'll be starting a thread in the Coping section mainly for myself to vent and to sort through my own emotions.

 

Thanks again to everyone who has chimed in on this thread, for all your support. Your words have meant a lot to me.

[S2B]

Ya, I know why... a narcissist does that... and they have no problem lying about it too.

 

 

I wish you would give details here so others can learn from you.

 

Good for you being strong! And hugs...