Why do people stay in relationships when they aren't happy?

[Eternal Sunshine]

Dating is just...the most awful thing in the world. UGH :sick:

 

I envy people that never really had to date, where they just naturally clicked and fell for someone they already knew. They probably don't even realize how lucky they are.

 

My brother was only single for a total of 6 months from ages 15-35. He lived with every girlfriend he had. Some of the relationships were better than others but when I asked him why he is staying with them his answer was always: "The thought of starting all over again fills me with dread"...and "I find it extremely depressing to go home to an empty house".

[darkbloom]

I think it’s a lot of settling. The person makes them happy enough and the breakup would cause too much pain and sacrifice even if it meant you could move on to better things.

 

Also the notion that things could get better if you work harder at it.

[dichotomy]

I mean (specifically guys), why do they stay with a girl ....who makes them happy, but not REALLY happy?

 

 

 

Is someone else supposed to MAKE you REALLY happy ?

 

https://agamya.files.wordpress.com/2014/09/i-demand-euphoria.png

 

 

 

 

but I get your gist.

 

in a single relationship (not married with kids/home) porbably self esteme issues.

 

In a marriage (kids. home, or older) its very complicated what you might loose if your in an unhappy situation. But again I always ask - what can you do to make yourself happy - if your spouse is not helping - or is hindering your happiness.

Edited January 13, 2018 by dichotomy

[basil67]

If we're talking married relationships, then it's fair to say that people would stay when unhappy because they respect their marriage vows.

[grays]

Interesting question. I'm wondering if there's really a consensus that *happiness* is the variable that should make or break a marriage. Of course we all want to be happy and to have a happy marriage, but I am just not sure that that's the factor that the marriage commitment should hinge on. Or maybe it does/should for some people but not others.

 

I was married for 25 years to a man who was almost never happy himself and only happy times for us as a couple were few and far between. Before we got together we were very close friends for around two years and roommates for the last 6 months of that, so by the time we were a couple we were already in love and committed to each other. Then, four months after our first kiss he had a nervous breakdown. I was completely in at the point and felt like *love* was what mattered. I loved him and I was gling to stand by him and be there for him and didn't even want to think about not being with him. Of course, I also had no way of knowing that this wasn't just a bump in the road that would eventually be resolved.

 

Then 25 years later (after I have been through all kinds of hell with him and his mental illness and nursed him into a healthier state than he'd ever been before) he tells me that he's in love with someone else. I said, "but I tjought we were happier recently," and he said "I know, and that made me wonder if I could be even happier with someone else."

 

So there you have it. I feel there's a lesson to be learned in there somewhere. But the truth is that I am right now feeling so, so happy with my new guy (second boyfriend ever!), and also worrying that I can see a tendancy towards depression in him. I think he is much more resilient than my ex and is unlikely to allow himself to have years at a time that are basically just dark. But what if I'm faced with that same situation again??? I am still that person who stood by the guy I loved. It is very hard for me to imagine walking away bc my guy is unhappy or because he's not making me happy if Im in love with him. And god, I hope he wouldn't just ditch me if I became unhappy somehow. But I have been wondering if that's just plain wrong. Maybe the right course is to getbout if its not all fun and games and sweetness.

[carhill]

Oh, one possibility I overlooked but perhaps someone else didn't, and one I experienced many times in life, was/is people who seemingly gain(ed) joy from being unhappy because they could incessantly complain about it and gather attention in the 'woe is me' or 'my pain is bigger than your pain' categories. There's probably a psych name for that but it reminds me of the people who get sick or feign sickness/injury or make their children sick to gather attention.

 

Given there are billions of people on the planet, there's always someone else to tell their tale to and perhaps hoover some attention and sympathy.

[preraph]

^ martyrs. I think it's a relatively small sector, thankfully, and one reason for that may be because actually friends and family have a short attention span and limited patience for listening to the same moaning over and over. I know this because I was definitely miserable a lot and moaning about it. People who aren't in the situation just want you to get out of it. Of course, it's not that simple. Perhaps my worst tormentor wouldn't get out of my life. He didn't want me but he didn't want anyone else to have me and we ran in the same crowd so there was no escape unless I just didn't go out, but even then, I'd think he was gone, and he'd just show up at my door. I'm certain beyond a shadow of a doubt that people got tired of hearing about THAT one.

[Popsicle]

You can spend a lifetime trying to figure this out and you'll still never understand it. All you have to do is keep a safe distance away from unhappy people in order to keep your own peace. (this is very important) Live your life and let them live theirs.