Lack of physical attraction is ruining our relationship

[Rosecat]

Have you ever felt the type of feelings you seek for anyone else?

 

Have you ever felt those feelings for her at any point?

 

Are those feelings something that can be created with her, or are they impossible?

 

What types of things/actions make you feel "that way," and what kinds of things or actions don't?

 

Are there any actions she can take to be attractive? Are there any behaviors she could change to be attractive?

 

Is there anything you can do to find her more attractive?

 

These are questions that can help you determine your direction.

[lazlo]

I understand where you are coming from and have had a long time to think about these kinds of issues - my wife was the first woman I met who was more interested in me than I was in her. But after a miserable singlehood of struggling to get dates/relationships - and even when I did, the women always monkeybranched to other guys - I figured it was worth seeing where things would go as we were (and are) great together from a compatibility standpoint. Then, before you know it, you have the marriage, family, and the whole picket-fence nine yards.

 

EXACTLY the same, except for the children.

[lazlo]

Is this a questionnaire? I like it

Hi Laszlo, sorry you are facing a dilemma like this. I have to ask you a few questions if you don't mind. Before you met your wife did you have any LTR/s with any other women?

No

During your High School days did you have any puppy love type of relationship with a girl/s or were you the joker of the lot?

Not sure what you mean by puppy love type but I would say no.

How do you rate your own looks?

I would say average, someone may find me cute

Are you the Tarzan type alpha male spewing male pheromones or the Beta type shy guy?

Ah ah! Beta, even Gamma maybe Seriously, I don't think it's shyness, I'm just very reserved and not very communicative. I miss some basic social skills, due to prolonged years of solitude (not just in terms of relationships but also friends). But I have improved in this in the last few years.

Are you a nerdy type of guy?

Partially

Also, did your wife have any LTRs before you? Was she ever married before?

Yes but not married

On the sexual front how experienced were the two of you before you started dating? If she had any LTRs what reason did she give for her breakups?

I had very little, she had a few LTRs so much more. From what I know her breakups, or at least the last one, were basically because her love was faded, and she felt that they were just roommate.

Is she also the retiring, nerdy kind of person or is she more sociable and outgoing?

Definitely the second.

Why did you decide to marry her after four years instead of continuing with a FWB relationship?

Mmmh... actually marriage wasn't my idea, but there were a set of circumstances that lead us to the point "breakup or marriage".

[lazlo]

why do you have sex if you feel no desire for her? just going through the motions?

 

That's a good question. I guess that when we are close, the looks lose some importance. It's more the touch that counts. When we are in intimacy I find her more attractive.

[lazlo]

Have you ever felt the type of feelings you seek for anyone else?

What feeling are you referring to? If you mean the love that makes you feel butterflies in your stomach and seeing that person incredibly beautiful, yes, but we need to go back at least 15 years. If you mean just physical attraction, I see everyday on my commute to work girls that I find attractive or even beautiful. But also they are younger than me and my wife, so it's not a fair comparison.

[lazlo]

Thank you for the answers.

Yes I've been considering to go to a psychologist, or a counsellor. I am not sure what's the difference between the two. I am bit skeptical, though. I went to a psychologist ten years ago or so, during the most miserable years of my life so far (and they were supposed to be the best ones!) but it didn't help me much. But I guess speaking with someone helps to feel better even if he cannot change my life or my feelings.

 

Most of the time my wife is happy with me, with the exception of days in moments when she get very upset because she thinks I don't appreciate her (not only her looks, but on the whole). This happens approximately once every 3-4 weeks, sometimes more often, sometimes less.

Our relationship is always been like this, marriage hasn't really changed anything. She has always been complaining periodically with me about this. Our arguments are always copies of the same argument over and over.

 

Maybe it's just my negative attitude, but I think that sooner or later we will separate. I'll try to enjoy as much as I can the good moments we have (and we have many of them). Then I will live the remainder of my life alone, that's probably what I should have done from the beginning. Nonetheless, I will always be very happy that she came into my life.