surferchic Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 Hello all. Over the last 5-6 years I've become aware of the fact that so many men and women just don't remain loyal as I once assumed people would be several years back. Not even sure which gender is more prone to cheat, I guess it depends on the circumstance. Is it realistic to expect any human to never cheat? (Physically or emotionally) And why even get married anymore if it's so common for people to cheat? For those of you who have experience with open or relationships or if you swing, what are your views? Link to post Share on other sites
Fair Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 Everyone feels the desire to cheat I'm sure... probably very few remain faithful. But they still want the secure little nest... so they get married. If they cheat, they'll rarely leave the wife for the other woman, or so we're told, whereas when women cheat... it's only a matter of time before they leave. Whatever the truth, a successful marriage is a pretty little dream no one wants to let go of... so they try and try again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 I am a firm believer in the saying "never say never." But, I'm pretty sure I'd never cheat. I have this thing called a conscience, a heart and respect for my partner. I'd break up first. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author surferchic Posted January 13, 2018 Author Share Posted January 13, 2018 Everyone feels the desire to cheat I'm sure... probably very few remain faithful. But they still want the secure little nest... so they get married. If they cheat, they'll rarely leave the wife for the other woman, or so we're told, whereas when women cheat... it's only a matter of time before they leave. Whatever the truth, a successful marriage is a pretty little dream no one wants to let go of... so they try and try again. I feel like most men don't leave when they cheat, whereas most women would leave before or right after cheating. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 Perhaps tie that topic of 'cheating' into your title and term it 'disloyalty in a relationship or marriage'. Is it realistic to expect any human to never cheat? (Physically or emotionally) And why even get married anymore if it's so common for people to cheat? This is a common topic on LS and I'm loathe to opine on absolutes, especially where definitions of the behaviors under discussion vary widely. If looking at the entirety of anyone's life, from birth to death, and narrowing the definition of cheating to a very conservative definition, since you included both physical and emotional, I'd opine very few people have made it through their whole lives without tasting it in some form or another. Why get married given such a potentially grim outlook? Well, some people like the social and legal and monetary aspects of a legal union and partnership and will accept the risks of cheating as part and parcel of that partnership. Getting back to disloyalty, it comes in many forms other than cheating in a sexual or emotional way. Spouses can betray each other's trust in many ways, sexually, emotionally, financially, socially, spiritually, etc, etc. Who decides what's more important? You? Me? I tend to opine it's the couple in question. It's their marriage. I'll be loyal today. I don't know what tomorrow will be like but it'll get here soon enough. Pretty simple. Perfect? Nah. We leave perfect up to the deity of our choice. We're just human. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author surferchic Posted January 13, 2018 Author Share Posted January 13, 2018 Generally speaking, I don't cheat when my relationship status is clear and communicated btwn me and my guy. Otherwise, when I feel like the guy is withholding or evasive, either I'll see other people or just leave the guy alone to avoid wasting my energy or anyone else's. Link to post Share on other sites
Frostedflake Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 I've never had the desire to cheat. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 I think people have always cheated throughout history. However, it seems to me that it's more spoken of and possibly even accepted as normal now than it was when I was much younger. Seems to me there is a decided decline in what is acceptable to be spoken of and publicly revealed now than there was say, thirty years ago. That said, I do believe there are many people who would never cheat. The way you can find those people who are most likely not to cheat is to observe their behavior while dating. For instance, are they selfish or do they have a conscience about treating others fairly? Watch how your bf or gf treats other people. Watch if they break the law in small ways. Observe that person's integrity. See if they'll go out of their way to help others when no one will find out about it. There are many ways to gauge a partner's honesty. If you find someone who seems to have integrity and marry that person, of course it's not a guarantee the person will never cheat. But, you're far more likely to have a faithful partner in one you've seen behave honestly and unselfishly in other situations, than if you marry someone you know is dishonest in ways they feel comfortable letting you see. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 of course it’s possible for people to never cheat on a partner? Is this a trick question. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 If you and your partner agree on the boundaries then those are the boundaries for your relationship. A relationship isn't a contract of adhesion, rather open and transparent negotiation. Forex, your partner might consider PIV sex to be the boundary for inappropriate behavior and you might consider flirting or touching or sexting to be inappropriate, a more restrictive boundary. While you both may feel you're 'right', it's still not a meeting of the minds and no one person can dictate the rules in an equitable relationship. You agree on them. If no meeting of the minds, the end. Another factor is the human propensity for pushing boundaries and limits. We're rebels by nature. Hard to control. That carries over into relationships. I see this all the time with MW's. They'll get 'out there' then hubby reels them back in and they play 'good girl' for awhile before the inevitable creep for the fence starts again Guys are the same way but I'm a guy so see it in married women because that's who I interact with in the relationship realm relevant to the topic. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author surferchic Posted January 13, 2018 Author Share Posted January 13, 2018 of course it’s possible for people to never cheat on a partner? Is this a trick question. No trick question. Re-read the thread starter. Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 If someone commits to being faithful to us, it’s natural to hope they keep their commitment. I think it’s wise to also realize they may not. And be prepared to deal with it if they don’t. Hope for the best. Be prepared for the worst. It’s possible to do both. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 I have never felt the desire to cheat, not even a little bit. I expect similar kind of loyalty but it's been impossible to find. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 I have never felt the desire to cheat, not even a little bit. I expect similar kind of loyalty but it's been impossible to find. We're out there. I've never had a gf cheat until the last one. I suspect she did with her ex, but I will never know because she'd never own up to it. I don't care at this point because I'm not going back. Link to post Share on other sites
FilterCoffee Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 (edited) Is it realistic to expect any human to never cheat? (Physically or emotionally) Yes, it’s definitely realistic. Whenever I’ve committed to a girl, I’ve never had the slightest desire to cheat in any shape or form. No matter how messed up things got. Sure, there were girls who I found physically attractive or easy to get along with but I never let myself get too involved with them. I knew where the boundaries were and didn’t go anywhere near it. It definitely takes a strong mind to be this way but I think there are people out there who have it. Edited January 13, 2018 by FilterCoffee Typo 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author surferchic Posted January 13, 2018 Author Share Posted January 13, 2018 If someone commits to being faithful to us, it’s natural to hope they keep their commitment. I think it’s wise to also realize they may not. And be prepared to deal with it if they don’t. Hope for the best. Be prepared for the worst. It’s possible to do both. I think I struggle with putting this ideal into practice. Not just because of the act of cheating. I think my struggle is getting passed all the thoughts, plans and excuses the SO comes up with in the process. Do they really think people are so stupid to just deal with lies or do they, in some twisted way, just want to get caught for attention sake? Either is disturbing. This is why I have a hard time with the notion of people going through formalities of getting married, posting relationship statae on FB, planning weddings, etc... knowing they have a propensity to seek out sex/sexting/etc outside of their relationship... Personally, I have never beennone to cheat. I must admit though, that as I get older I give myself more permission to go with the flow of my desires within reason. Unless a man is intentional about being exclusive with me, I seem to underestimate my SO's intentions with me maybe to avoid being hurt. So I'm more open to flirting and having other men around who show me attention in some desired way. However, when a man is more direct about his intentions I take him far more seriously. When men play less games then I take them more seriously. Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 The question is is it realistic to expect any human not to cheat physically or emotionally? Is it a philosophical question of some sort or is it asking if it’s possible for a people not to cheat? Link to post Share on other sites
Author surferchic Posted January 13, 2018 Author Share Posted January 13, 2018 (edited) The question is is it realistic to expect any human not to cheat physically or emotionally? Is it a philosophical question of some sort or is it asking if it’s possible for a people not to cheat? Of some sort? Lol. Omit the "some sort" and everything else, then keep the word philosophy. [] Edited January 13, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Topical content 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FilterCoffee Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 Personally, I have never beennone to cheat. I must admit though, that as I get older I give myself more permission to go with the flow of my desires within reason. Unless a man is intentional about being exclusive with me, I seem to underestimate my SO's intentions with me maybe to avoid being hurt. So I'm more open to flirting and having other men around who show me attention in some desired way. Ah, I can see why. You don’t want to get too attached to one person before he’s committed to you. Makes sense. I’m sort of in the same boat as you. My ex had multiple emotional affairs and she finally ended our 4 year relationship (plus 2 year friendship) when some guy she knew for a few days convinced her to leave me. The experience taught me how important it is to find a strong minded partner for any long term commitment. I have a simile that I think you’ll appreciate given your username. It has references to the seas and describes the kind of partner we’re both looking for. So far, we’ve dated people who like empty boats, are at the mercy of the waves and are unpredictable. What we really need are people like lighthouses who stand strong even after the umpteenth wave has crashed into it. Get it? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 (edited) Of some sort? Lol. Omit the "some sort" and everything else, then keep the word philosophy. [] [] I was just inquiring about the specifics of the question. We would first need to define what is ‘realistic’ Edited January 13, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Add quote for reference and redact to topical content in quote Link to post Share on other sites
Steve51 Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 My girlfriend turned fiancé of 5 years cheated on me when I was overseas in combat. The girlfriend after her cheated on me too. Both cheating with friends of mine. I have learned that women can look you in the eye, show you love and lie to your face. I also found that when it comes to sex you cannot even trust your best friends. I was guilty of that myself when I had sex with some of my friend's girlfriends. I learned to have a healthy dose of mistrust of everyone when sex is involved. It was when I was too trusting and never looked for the signs of cheating that I was easy to cheat on. I gave up on monogamy as workable. We are handed monogamy by society without any alternative. What if it does not work for you? Society has not given its blessing on any other form of marriage. Perhaps if they thought more than just monogamy we would have less divorces. My wife and I shared a girlfriend for most of our 45 years of marriage. We also played with others as a couple, not alone. My wife is so loyal that she refused to have sex with her live in girlfriend unless I was in the room, if only to watch. If I left the room they would stop what they were doing, chat about shopping or something and then resume when I came back. I think only once did I get them to have sex without me by going for a drink and not coming back. They said it was more fun with me and my wife felt it was cheating if I did not take part which I found strange because she was OK with me having sex with our girlfriend without her. If the number of marriage still together for the sake of the children or unable to afford a divorce were counted, the number of bad marriages would be much higher than it already is. I like to watch the TV show "Cheaters". I am always amazed how cheating spouses can lie so easily and how easily the spouses of the cheaters accept the excuses they are told. What is even more interesting is that the cheaters who are caught are more angry that their spouse did not trust them and hired a private detective. They also get mad because their spouse is not supposed to be where they are cheating or not supposed to find out. My wife does nothing to make me suspicious. I have never told her she could not have sex with other men and once we did in a wife swap and hated it. Told me never to do that again. She had sex with women but never dated them. She invited friends to spend a weekend with me but I was the one who got them into a threesome with me. I will never understand husband or wives that are OK with their spouse going out to places where they serve alcohol or keep accepting excuses as to why they are not coming home right after work. For decades I came straight home from work. I never might have gone out to a half a dozen dinners with male friends but was home by 9pm. We both know where the other is by our iPhones. If my wife is someplace I never saw her go before I would call her to see if she is alright. We just do not do things that keep us out all night and involve members of the opposite sex. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 (edited) I would say that long term monogamy is alot harder than most people will admit - not only staying faithful (not cheating) but many find retaining a reasonable level of passion and interest in your partner over the years and decades very hard to do I think we (in USA) have been sold a story that marriage is for most folks - when it should be only for some. There should be no shame in knowing which person you are -and what type of relationships work for you. Edited January 13, 2018 by dichotomy 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 surferchic, You pose several questions in your OP. However, I think you need to disabuse yourself of the notion that only people in monogamous relationships can cheat or be cheated on. It’s important not to confuse “non-exclusivity” with “dishonesty”. No matter what type of relationship people enter into, exclusive or not, honesty is the key ingredient. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 Is it realistic to expect any human to never cheat? (Physically or emotionally) And why even get married anymore if it's so common for people to cheat? Yeah - when I’m a relationship or even dating early on, the thought of another human repulses me. I don’t think I can do it even if I wanted to. Marriage has nothing to do with love/fidelity, it is a contractual agreement to protect kids & assets. Just modern society blurts ‘romance’ into the picture and therefore the confusion. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Fair Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 (edited) Yeah - when I’m a relationship or even dating early on, the thought of another human repulses me. I don’t think I can do it even if I wanted to. Marriage has nothing to do with love/fidelity, it is a contractual agreement to protect kids & assets. Just modern society blurts ‘romance’ into the picture and therefore the confusion. I agree. There are pros and cons to marriage... I guess the pros outweigh the cons but it's never usually only about 'love' or 'romance'. But most people get married in the first blush of romance before the chemicals wear off or they wouldn't do it, I'm guessing. I don't know. Like I said, there are many reasons to get married... simple survival being the chief one. I sometimes can't think of anything harder than being a single woman, myself. Edited January 14, 2018 by Fair 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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