How to absolutely kill all hope in finding love?

[Kitchen]

I'm 30 year old male, and just want to kill the idea that I will find a lover. I tell myself that after every failure, but then hormones make me gravitate towards meeting and finding women, only to find failure again and again. I've had one girlfriend, 5 years ago. We dated for a year. Only experience I've ever had being in love. We were soulmates but our passionate personalities drove us apart, she met someone else. I got over the breakup so quickly because I always felt this heavenly connection with her that I never lost, even while she was with the other guy. They got engaged. Still, I always predicted she'd come back.

 

Sure enough, she did. The engagement is broken. We went out last week. Went great, but she appears to be playing games or lost interest. Meanwhile, in those 5 years, I've dated countless women, for like 3-5 dates max each. And nothing remotely serious came from any of them. I had one about a year ago that lasted a couple of months for whom I had feelings for, but she flaked. I've had several drunken hookups with women, but nothing romantic came out of any of them.

 

I don't think it's a guarantee that everyone finds someone. It's like saying everyone is guaranteed to live into old age. Or everyone is guaranteed a roof over their head. Or everyone has well functioning vital organs. Sure, all of these things apply to most of the population, but here and there there are deformities. And I just want to accept that I have this deformity, but it's so hard to do so when my natural instinct is to keep trying.

 

Not looking for sympathy or critique of what I could be doing wrong. I've tried everything and anything you could possibly think of. Right now I just want to accept it, and am finding that difficult.

 

One thing I have decided to do is become a workaholic. I love my career, and think I will start a second career, or put more time and energy into my current one. I want to be the best I can possibly be at what I'm doing work wise. I want to rise to the top. It's a way to focus energy and distract from my lack of love life. Any other tips would be appreciated. Thanks

[carhill]

Not looking for sympathy or critique of what I could be doing wrong. I've tried everything and anything you could possibly think of. Right now I just want to accept it, and am finding that difficult.

 

Some of it is due to being in reproductive mode. We're wired and socialized to reproduce and that, for males, generally requires a female and some sort of stable relationship.

 

How do you accept cessation of reproductive opportunities? Tough one. Our brain is pretty hard-wired for it, especially at your age with testosterone bathing it.

 

Thinking back, I recall making some conscious decisions to focus on other aspects of life and immerse in them. The two major ones for me were my business and exploring the world. Secondarily to that, volunteering and focusing on the work, not meeting people.

 

It took some time, a couple years, but the mindset became persistent until I was 35 or so, then I decided to try reproduction again, had some relationships after that and got married at 41.

 

The hard part for me as a young guy was loving without expectation, loving in the moment without care about a future. Each date was bathed in my mind with future reproductive opportunities. Letting go of that was hard. After doing it all and being long down the road to death now, loving in the moment is easy. I feel it, enjoy it for what it is, then it's gone. No future expectations. Accepting the now as the now.

 

Perhaps others will have better suggestions. I lived it and that's my story.

[alphamale]

good luck man

[Springsummer]

Castrated? ... joking...

 

sometimes I envy my cat...he is worry free now. no bother. clean.

[Springsummer]

I'm 30 year old male, and just want to kill the idea that I will find a lover. I tell myself that after every failure, but then hormones make me gravitate towards meeting and finding women, only to find failure again and again.

 

I lost hope long time ago...but yeah, the hormones thing just won't let me trouble free.

[bachdude]

Just like it isn’t logical to say everyone will live to old age, it is equally illogical to say, I will surely die before age 35.

 

While I think there is something to be said for pessimism (“blessed is the pessimist, for he will never be disappointed”), pessimism doesn’t have to mean being convinced that you will never find love.

 

I know at age 30 you feel old already, but my grandma found love in her 70s.

 

You need balance.

[Ruby Slippers]

One thing I have decided to do is become a workaholic. I love my career, and think I will start a second career, or put more time and energy into my current one. I want to be the best I can possibly be at what I'm doing work wise. I want to rise to the top. It's a way to focus energy and distract from my lack of love life.

I think this is the right answer. If things turn around and you're open to romance and love again someday, it sure won't hurt to be in a better position career and money-wise.

 

I'm also not looking for romance and love at all right now, just doing my own things. It can certainly be sad and lonely at times. All you can do is make the best of it.

[gbe2015]

I think what you're feeling is a natural thing. When you're young it's all about getting with a woman and planning a life together but when you're older you have your own life and you need to look at women and relationships differently, now it's about sharing things in your life with them, a relationship adds to what you have, it doesn't fill a void in your life.

[Maggie4]

Women are not just looking for romantic love and sex. It is not enough that you pleasure her and be able to father a child. You must be stable (not date around too much) and have the means (good career) to raise the child.

Ironically, if you focus on work, not on women, then the women want you. For the human race, women ultimately choose success (or potential for success) over lover boys.

[Chilli]

Blessed is the pessimist , l gotta write that one down somewhere.

Reminds me of family and friends , always expect the worst haha, it's def' the safest bet.

 

Anyway op , l know it's hard not to but l often think a lot of people guys and gals put too much pressure on themselves in this stuff.

You know, there are some things in life you can go after , like money , work , hobbies, but some where you often just can't , like people things or love. It's hard to make people things or love happen

 

Maybe the new focus might do you good for awhile.

[Popsicle]

Kitchen..love that name.

 

30 is too young to give up.

 

I think it's not a bad idea to focus on your career when you're loveless though. I happen to be doing that too. Just make sure you still get out in the world and do things though other than work. Get some hobbies and develop passions that make you happy. Make sure at least some of them allow you to interact with the world and others, namely the opposite gender.

[snowboy91]

For a start, you're only 30, and secondly you have had relationship experience. Some people take a hell of a lot of dates before they find someone they want to spend their life with. And it has to work both ways.

 

Thirdly, as people age they may become more willing to accept flaws - partly, because they have that wisdom to accept that people aren't always perfect, and partly because people are more aware (and more realistic) about what they really want in a partner. As bad as it feels now, things may actually improve from this point.

 

By all means, focus your energy on your career but make sure you have time for yourself and your other interests. Too much focus on work often leads to burnout.

[Hoosfoos]

I killed all hope by trying.