Boyfriend wants to go to Bonaroo

[Owwwlee]

So my boyfriend wants to go to Bonaroo and I honestly don't know how I feel about. Well, I know how I feel - completely uncomfortable - but I don't know what the appropriate reaction is. Should I give into my feelings or does logic confirm my feeling?

 

I know the first assumption is that I think he's going to cheat but that's actually not my real concern. I'm worried about the drinking and drugs. We've been together for two years and we have two children, a seven month old baby and a three year old - I was in a previously very abusive relationship and my boyfriend has stepped in and became his dad so I try to keep this one of the first things I consider. Shortly after we moved in together he lost his job and started going out a lot. I didn't see a problem with that until we started combining our money and I saw him going out during the week and spending $78+ each time. He would also drive home and be way to drunk to have even driven. I've tried to work with him, tried to say that he should only bring cash with him and if he plans on drinking that much to let me DD. That would only happen a handful of times, he insisted on driving my car once and said he was good, it would be fine, and it got totalled. He's told me before in confidence that he thinks he may have a problem with drinking but he won't talk to his friends about it and suggest that they do things that doesn't involve drinking. Nor has he considered AA. So I don't know if that's a actual problem he has or he is using that to displace blame. He has gotten better though, this went from being an almost every night thing to a once a week and now I'd say it's once a month, if that. But he still isn't honest with me when he goes out and he still has a problem with saying no. He told me the last time that he wanted to go watch the football game with his friend at Buffalo Wild Wings and just have a few beers but instead came home at 4am, wasted. He left at 9pm.

 

Then there's also I feel like he treats the children as solely my responsibility. I understood this when we first got together and I only appreciated when he did do things to make parenting easier on me. But now we have a baby together and he'll still make plans without talking to me, he just assumes that he can still just do whatever he wants when he wants because I take care of the children. I've only had one night out for me and a friend but when I got home he was up and drinking, not dunk but it still made me weary about leaving the kids, and I ended up still having to get up with them in the morning so that took away me wanting to do that again. Which sucks because I should be able to rely on him.

 

Issue three kind of goes with the second; I feel like he wants to only make plans that involve drinking, partying, pretty much anything that requires a babysitter. We were planning our wedding when I got pregnant and originally we talked about doing a Vegas wedding, which sounded fun and he was all about planning with me. Now we have a baby and after some thought I would really like a celebration where my kids can be a part of the union. He said he's ok with that but he's not helping me plan anymore. In his defense it has been me who keeps putting back the wedding and he said that's upset him but honestly we haven't been able to afford it - and the partying has been a big reason why.

 

He has also experimented with drugs in the past, I have recently learned that he did cocaine the second or third week we started dating and it wasn't him who told me. It doesn't take much for him to be ok with anything, one beer and I feel like he'll do anything that's offered to him. He did tell me that he plans on bringing weed and Molly with them and that he won't take anything from someone he doesn't know. But then he has a conversation with his friend and he talked about getting weed there. In fact most of their conversation was only about drugs and what drugs go with what bands. When I brought this up to him he started only talking to him on Snapchat which I find to be really suspicious. Keep in mind though that I grew up with a parent who has addictions so I have close to a zero tolerance to drugs. I did try weed a couple times when I was young but definitely nothing since I've became a mom. So I am very uncomfortable about that on its own.

 

Then Google happened. I wanted to see how bad the drug problem is there and all I could find were articles about how much people cheat at music festivals. Like 7 out of 10 and the reason why it's so easy to have an affair there, even if someone doesn't go there planning to. Yay. I will say that I know he hasn't ever cheated on me and he's not a cheater. He has, however, gotten himself into situations where he's out partying and women come on to him. And I don't think he handles those situations well at all. His ex snapchated him a naked picture of herself, he was out at the bar of course, and he sent her back a picture of one of his friends - Who is a girl but isn't me obviously- kissing him on the cheek. And continues to snap her back and forth which, of course, consist of his ex being naked the whole time. He came home drunk and pissed and told me all about it because I guess he thought he handled it well... yeah that's a whole other thing of itself. Then there was another incident where he got mad because apparently someone asked him if he was upset about his ex losing a bunch of weight and said she could be with anyone now, his response was to ask these other girls in the bar if they thought he was attractive, to this they said yes and they hung out with him and his friend. He told them that he was in a relationship and he was only asking for experimental reasons and came home to tell me that one of the girls wants to be his friend. He said the two of them knew a lot of the same people and he wanted her to go with him and another one of his friends so he can try to set them up together. I told him I didn't feel comfortable with anything that happened but he assured me everything was fine. So they went. And she came on to him a kissed him. Go figure. She even tried to show up at our house one night, she's lucky I was pregnant buuut that's also a whole different thing. And I know he's not that naive. But if he can't handle himself well in those situations then how is he going to handle being where 7 out of 10 people want to have a casual encounter? Especially on God knows what while he's there?

 

I hate it though because I've always been a firm believer in spending time with your friends. I don't think this is the best environment for him to be in but I'm also not the dictator over what his friends do - he was the originator of the plan though and before he talked to me he told his friend to buy his ticket. And I've gotten the whole "This friend thinks you hate him," when I don't and I really wish they would plan a paintball thing or even take a fishing trip to Canada or Comic-Con or pick up a sport but he acts like partying is the only option. To be fair he does do spur of the moment family activities like Chuck-e-cheese and we stayed at an indoor water park once. He and my family get along very well as do I with his. We have the same nerdy interests and we really are best friends in every other instance. The three things we fight about are drinking, spending too much money drinking or buying clothes to wear out, and dishonesty about drinking. Other than that we never fight. And I came out of a long term abusive relationship with PTSD so I also have to ask myself if I'm being reasonable or having anxiety. I worry if I'm becoming one of those dreaded girlfriends who act like a nightmare and don't allow her man to do anything because he made some mistakes in his past. I really don't know. Hopefully someone out there has enough free time to read all of this because I am aware it is long. I've been a stay at home mom for 7 months now and I don't get to talk to people much, which contributes to me having a lot that I haven't talked about to anyone. So I do have a lot of unsorted questions. So to whoever helps me with their brutally honest answers - THANK YOU!

[ExpatInItaly]

You two have some very serious issues in your relationship. This upcoming event is only one representation of the bigger problems. Let's see if I can unpack:

 

1) He is incredibly immature and irresponsible, not to mention selfish and lacking good parenting skills. (How old are you both anyway?)

 

2) He has a problem with substances. My guess is there is still a lot you don't know about what he's done/continues to do. He is not exactly Mr. Transparency, is he? I am not saying he's a full-blown addict, but he certainly has a questionable relationship with alcohol.

 

3) I would not believe for a moment he's telling the truth about this "friend" he met at the bar. She came on to him and kissed him, and he did nothing? I am sorry, but you are more than likely getting the very sanitized version of what actually happened. Unless she's a total loon, most women won't randomly show up at a guy's house knowing he has a pregnant girlfriend at home. My wager is that he made advances toward her too and gave green-light signals to approach him. There is more to that story than he's letting on, I promise you.

 

In light of all of this, I would be extremely uncomfortable with the idea of him going to get drunk and high at an event with plenty of single women. He has very poor boundaries and judgment, and I don't blame you for worrying he'll step out of line. He probably will. But really? He already has, many times over and in many different ways.

 

He is a man-child who isn't ready to grow up. I think you need to seriously re-evaluate this relationship, not only for you but also for your kids' sake. This isn't a guy who takes you or his role of Dad very seriously and it's not healthy for them to grow up like this.

[smackie9]

And why are you still with him???

[basil67]

Bonaroo is the least of your problems!

 

Hon, do you realise that you've landed back in another dysfunctional relationship? None of what you describe is normal or reasonable. I too have to ask why you're still with him.

[Space Ritual]

Run Screaming!!

 

Lady, I'll tell you right now....Your relationship is on a one way train to Nowhereville.

 

Don't drag this out for 5 more months until Bonaroo. Drop the hammer and move on and let your soon to be ex boyfriend walk around the Festival with his dick in his hand.

[d0nnivain]

I hate to tell you this but you have 3 children -- 2 small & 1 large. Until he grows up he's a lousy prospect for a dad or a husband. Do not marry this man until he cleans up his act.

 

For now, go to an al-anon meeting. Some have baby sitting services. You need to learn about what it's like to be in in love with an addict. Until you recognize that he will continuously chose booze over you & his children, nothing can change.

 

Do not let him drive your car after he's been drinking. Learn about a concept called "negligent entrustment." It means you can be held responsible for what he does with your car when he's drunk. You can also be charged with your own DWI for letting him drive your car knowing he was impaired.

 

Him going to some music festival is just one more example of his irresponsible behavior. You have learned that the kids' well being has to come first. He has not figured that out yet. Until he does, he is not a good parent. You need to tell him this. Somebody needs to proverbially kick him into shape. If he doesn't grow up you may have to walk away.

 

You should consult an attorney about getting support for both of your kids from their respective fathers.

 

Best wishes.

[BaileyB]

If he drives your car when he's drunk, you should call the police, give them your license plate number, and tell them where he is going.

 

No way would a man ever drive my car when they are drunk. It should never be tolerated.

[BaileyB]

I would strongly advise you to go to an al-anon meeting.

 

It is quite clear, this man has issues with substances and you have found yourself in another very unhealthy relationship. Time to educate yourself and make some decisions... for you and your children.