Bye Mr. Nowhere

[maybejune]

Mr. Nowhere was my dream of life partner, he was caring, charming, flirty with me only, respectful... Until, Mr. Nowhere became a chase to me, he was constantly away in weekends, never planed things for us, was never easy with the plans I made, never let me know when he will leave and come back from business trip, if he came back one day earlier... I felt I was out of his life, I tried to keep myself close to him, but if you had similar experience, you know the sadness and loneliness.

 

Throughout my relationship with Mr. Nowhere, I was struggling with my career crisis and upcoming changes to my life. I thought he would understand the stress I was dealing with, since he didn't just end the dating me. But I overestimated, he couldn't understand me, and most of the time, he probably didn't even remember I was going through those stress and pain.

 

Fast forward, he became very picky on me, I felt I would never be good enough for him, because career wise I was not as successful as his girl friends, appearance side I was not as attractive as his female coworker esp. I would never dress those sexy short skirt, I am very low key and low profile person but he actually was very interested in fancy parties which he never brought me in.

 

Yes, he didn't treat me well. But leaving him is still painful, because I live on the past dead memories when I started to date Mr. Nowhere, also I had extensive dream about my future live together with him, which now all became impossible. As typical dumper's remorse, I feel I killed the dream I dreamed, I left the ship which I hope I can share with him ( as ppl have pointed out, he left the ship way before I did), I screwed up the chance this relationship may be rescued.

 

I have been thinking why I couldn't let go. Today, I finally realize, in addition to my memories of the early dating, I still want to know why it didn't work out, to be more specific, why Mr. Nowhere didn't want to work things out with me. Return to my second paragraph, he never understood my pain or actually tried to understand me and care about my feelings, so he ignored all the conflicts and didn't care if the relationship was going well or going nowhere. But I cared, I invested a lot of thinking about him, about us, so at the end, I became very frustrated my effort returned nothing but disappointments, frustration and rejection.

 

Every time I start to miss him again (it happens countless time everyday), I feel ashamed. I know I am very likely depressed at this moment, I know I still miss him -- knowing he wouldn't miss me or even care about me at all. I actually tried to get him back, but keep in mind he never wanted to make the relationship work in the first round, so he wouldn't give second chance -- all make sense.

[igotoverit]

Mr. Nowhere was my dream of life partner, he was caring, charming, flirty with me only, respectful... Until, Mr. Nowhere became a chase to me, he was constantly away in weekends, never planed things for us, was never easy with the plans I made, never let me know when he will leave and come back from business trip, if he came back one day earlier... I felt I was out of his life, I tried to keep myself close to him, but if you had similar experience, you know the sadness and loneliness.

 

Throughout my relationship with Mr. Nowhere, I was struggling with my career crisis and upcoming changes to my life. I thought he would understand the stress I was dealing with, since he didn't just end the dating me. But I overestimated, he couldn't understand me, and most of the time, he probably didn't even remember I was going through those stress and pain.

 

Fast forward, he became very picky on me, I felt I would never be good enough for him, because career wise I was not as successful as his girl friends, appearance side I was not as attractive as his female coworker esp. I would never dress those sexy short skirt, I am very low key and low profile person but he actually was very interested in fancy parties which he never brought me in.

 

Yes, he didn't treat me well. But leaving him is still painful, because I live on the past dead memories when I started to date Mr. Nowhere, also I had extensive dream about my future live together with him, which now all became impossible. As typical dumper's remorse, I feel I killed the dream I dreamed, I left the ship which I hope I can share with him ( as ppl have pointed out, he left the ship way before I did), I screwed up the chance this relationship may be rescued.

 

I have been thinking why I couldn't let go. Today, I finally realize, in addition to my memories of the early dating, I still want to know why it didn't work out, to be more specific, why Mr. Nowhere didn't want to work things out with me. Return to my second paragraph, he never understood my pain or actually tried to understand me and care about my feelings, so he ignored all the conflicts and didn't care if the relationship was going well or going nowhere. But I cared, I invested a lot of thinking about him, about us, so at the end, I became very frustrated my effort returned nothing but disappointments, frustration and rejection.

 

Every time I start to miss him again (it happens countless time everyday), I feel ashamed. I know I am very likely depressed at this moment, I know I still miss him -- knowing he wouldn't miss me or even care about me at all. I actually tried to get him back, but keep in mind he never wanted to make the relationship work in the first round, so he wouldn't give second chance -- all make sense.

 

Welcome to LS and I am sorry for your pain. I want to commend you for posting and sharing your story. There are a lot of people reading and we can learn from each others posts. If you ask me, this relationship never stood a chance.

 

As much as you felt what you felt towards him, he made you feel bad about yourself. As hard as it is, and it's hard, you need to take this time and get strong on your own. Think of it as a blessing. What I learned most about LS so far, is that we all have oneitis over different men. Your man doesn't mean anything to me and mine not to you so we can all get over these guys, in time, and move on.

[maybejune]

Welcome to LS and I am sorry for your pain. I want to commend you for posting and sharing your story. There are a lot of people reading and we can learn from each others posts. If you ask me, this relationship never stood a chance.

 

As much as you felt what you felt towards him, he made you feel bad about yourself. As hard as it is, and it's hard, you need to take this time and get strong on your own. Think of it as a blessing. What I learned most about LS so far, is that we all have oneitis over different men. Your man doesn't mean anything to me and mine not to you so we can all get over these guys, in time, and move on.

 

Thank you! I agree, this one never had a chance. I was nervous in the last few months when I hung out with him, I was uncomfortable around him.

 

After I broke up, I felt some strength growing inside me. I hope I can think less of the past, and not look back. I need a new life.

[igotoverit]

Thank you! I agree, this one never had a chance. I was nervous in the last few months when I hung out with him, I was uncomfortable around him.

 

After I broke up, I felt some strength growing inside me. I hope I can think less of the past, and not look back. I need a new life.

 

Has he contacted you in ANY way? If not, it will be easy

[maybejune]

Has he contacted you in ANY way? If not, it will be easy

 

Nope! He must have been waiting for me to leave. So I was a fool to regret and want to work things out, he was cold and eventually shut down on me.

 

So, yeah, it should be easy to move on, I just need to think straight and look forward to what ever in the future.

[igotoverit]

Has he contacted you in ANY way? If not, it will be easy

 

Nope! He must have been waiting for me to leave. So I was a fool to regret and want to work things out, he was cold and eventually shut down on me.

 

So, yeah, it should be easy to move on, I just need to think straight and look forward to what ever in the future.

 

No. You make the future. You make a plan in life and chip away at it. You set goals and take small steps towards them. You make the choices and decisions for yourself. You screw nowhere and try to post as much as you can. I'll be looking for your posts to see how you are doing. I hope you post a lot

[maybejune]

No Contact (NC). Guide for the long walk. Consolidated discussion.

 

This thread from a decade ago, is very wise, I will read it over and over again.

 

" those of us here, tend to be the ones that are plagued by the memory of loves lost. Our ex is not pimping this site. They do not sit and pine after you. They have moved on. Take this example: past behavior is the best indication of future behavior. Think back to a time when you ex discussed ex-boyfriend/girlfriend with you. Remember how they talked about them? Remember how they got over them? They are doing the same thing to you (we are very slowly accepting this and we are very, very pissed off)."

 

I can't believe I am still pissed off that I wasn't special to him, not at all. Feel like sh*t.

 

I trusted him so much, I was very vulnerable but he let me down.

[igotoverit]

No Contact (NC). Guide for the long walk. Consolidated discussion.

 

This thread from a decade ago, is very wise, I will read it over and over again.

 

" those of us here, tend to be the ones that are plagued by the memory of loves lost. Our ex is not pimping this site. They do not sit and pine after you. They have moved on. Take this example: past behavior is the best indication of future behavior. Think back to a time when you ex discussed ex-boyfriend/girlfriend with you. Remember how they talked about them? Remember how they got over them? They are doing the same thing to you (we are very slowly accepting this and we are very, very pissed off)."

 

I can't believe I am still pissed off that I wasn't special to him, not at all. Feel like sh*t.

 

I trusted him so much, I was very vulnerable but he let me down.

 

How was your relationship? Where did you meet, how long did it last etc, and how long have you been a part?

[maybejune]

How was your relationship? Where did you meet, how long did it last etc, and how long have you been a part?

 

We were together for almost a year, and it has been 4 months since BU.

 

I mean, I know there is no chance to get back together, but I keep thinking about him, I feel lonely and just miss him. It is relatively short relationship, and I know he is not perfect, but I still love him. I literally dream about meeting him again, everyday. Last year this time, it was the best time for us, It's so freaking sad. Wherever I go, I keep looking around and hope he could show up somewhere.

 

Like I posted earlier, I really want to just cut it off and let go, that's the right thing to do, but instead, my heart gets stuck. I know all the risks , such as he will treat me even worse, or he has new girl, he may keep my just as a fling. But I don't know how to give up the idea of having him again.

 

The reason I haven't contacted him again for over a month is, I know he doesn't want me back. So I try to do the right thing, by not contacting him.

[igotoverit]

We were together for almost a year, and it has been 4 months since BU.

 

I mean, I know there is no chance to get back together, but I keep thinking about him, I feel lonely and just miss him. It is relatively short relationship, and I know he is not perfect, but I still love him. I literally dream about meeting him again, everyday. Last year this time, it was the best time for us, It's so freaking sad. Wherever I go, I keep looking around and hope he could show up somewhere.

 

Like I posted earlier, I really want to just cut it off and let go, that's the right thing to do, but instead, my heart gets stuck. I know all the risks , such as he will treat me even worse, or he has new girl, he may keep my just as a fling. But I don't know how to give up the idea of having him again.

 

The reason I haven't contacted him again for over a month is, I know he doesn't want me back. So I try to do the right thing, by not contacting him.

 

Well at least your on here being honest. That's all you can do really. I don't want this guy I speak of back but I am not mentally capable to move past everything that has transpired without a psycoligist. I am redoing my house and cleaning every corner so it's spottless, then I'm going to buy my son a new rug to match his bed.

 

I am going to the gym and tanning. I don't know what to tell you.

[maybejune]

This is my first serious relationship (I'm not young, but I don't usually find interesting guys to be close to), and I really want it to work, because he is really the kind of person I want to marry to. He has gfs before, I don't know how serious they were, but he was very serious with me, so I thought he would put effort to our relationship and know how to protect a relationship. He did some of them, but not all the time. I have a lot of regrets, such as I didn't call him out when he made me feel bad, and I thought he would be experienced in dating since he had gfs, but it turned out to be he wasn't experienced either -- so I blame myself for not being patient.

 

I know I am making excuses for his behavior.

[igotoverit]

This is my first serious relationship (I'm not young, but I don't usually find interesting guys to be close to), and I really want it to work, because he is really the kind of person I want to marry to. He has gfs before, I don't know how serious they were, but he was very serious with me, so I thought he would put effort to our relationship and know how to protect a relationship. He did some of them, but not all the time. I have a lot of regrets, such as I didn't call him out when he made me feel bad, and I thought he would be experienced in dating since he had gfs, but it turned out to be he wasn't experienced either -- so I blame myself for not being patient.

 

I know I am making excuses for his behavior.

 

Well at least he's leaving you alone so you can move on. He doesn't sound too interesting to me. Besides, if I learned anything, is that life is more fulfilling on your own. Relationships are headaches

[maybejune]

Well at least he's leaving you alone so you can move on. He doesn't sound too interesting to me. Besides, if I learned anything, is that life is more fulfilling on your own. Relationships are headaches

 

For very long time, I think relationship is just too complicated and creates a lot of stress and sadness, so I try to stay away from it....

 

He leaving me alone, yes, that's the irony part. My friends are telling me, he was waiting for me to leave. That's why not matter what I said after BU, he won't meet me again and he won't contact me at all. I am such a fool, and I just don't know why I couldn't give up.

[igotoverit]

For very long time, I think relationship is just too complicated and creates a lot of stress and sadness, so I try to stay away from it....

 

He leaving me alone, yes, that's the irony part. My friends are telling me, he was waiting for me to leave. That's why not matter what I said after BU, he won't meet me again and he won't contact me at all. I am such a fool, and I just don't know why I couldn't give up.

 

Does anyone else want to comment and help this poor women?

 

What he and your friends did to you and said was cruel,

[maybejune]

Does anyone else want to comment and help this poor women?

 

What he and your friends did to you and said was cruel,

 

My case is too boring and straight forward. Maybe I should see therapist.

[igotoverit]

My case is too boring and straight forward. Maybe I should see therapist.

 

What can I do for you? Anything (?)

[maybejune]

What can I do for you? Anything (?)

 

Thank you so much for replying to me. I don't know. I am so lonely, and I don't know what I can do to get over this.

I wasn't sure if I made mistake by ending the relationship, but it seems like it wasn't a mistake -- like you replied this relationship didn't get a chance, also my therapist said it was a rough one, my friends also said he didn't treat me well. Honestly, I didn't feel he treated me so bad until I heard how my friends said how their boyfriends treat them, then I burst out, and so emotionally broke up with him. But now, everyday I doubt myself.

 

I really don't know if it's because I really love him that much, or I can't handle the loneliness after breakup.

[igotoverit]

Thank you so much for replying to me. I don't know. I am so lonely, and I don't know what I can do to get over this.

I wasn't sure if I made mistake by ending the relationship, but it seems like it wasn't a mistake -- like you replied this relationship didn't get a chance, also my therapist said it was a rough one, my friends also said he didn't treat me well. Honestly, I didn't feel he treated me so bad until I heard how my friends said how their boyfriends treat them, then I burst out, and so emotionally broke up with him. But now, everyday I doubt myself.

 

I really don't know if it's because I really love him that much, or I can't handle the loneliness after breakup.

 

We have very similar timing. I just got in from my second time out today. I cleaned my house spottless and like you, I don't get much responses on this site. I speak from experience that you don't love him as much as you are bruised and lonly. your friends have only contributed to your pain and have not helped you. They should have allowed you to heal.

 

I had a coffee date tonight but am going to cancel and spend sometime on my work life for now. I don't think I'd be able to force a social life on myself so I am going to allow these bruises and aches and cuts to heal. Your normal, he was not a good person in the end, if he thinks he is well then he doesn't care about those less fortunate. Very common.

[Beachead]

Hey OP,

 

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I am not sure if you mentioned it but how long has it been since you two broke up?

[maybejune]

We have very similar timing. I just got in from my second time out today. I cleaned my house spottless and like you, I don't get much responses on this site. I speak from experience that you don't love him as much as you are bruised and lonly. your friends have only contributed to your pain and have not helped you. They should have allowed you to heal.

 

I had a coffee date tonight but am going to cancel and spend sometime on my work life for now. I don't think I'd be able to force a social life on myself so I am going to allow these bruises and aches and cuts to heal. Your normal, he was not a good person in the end, if he thinks he is well then he doesn't care about those less fortunate. Very common.

 

When I knew how other guys treat their gfs, I was crying out. Honestly, I wasn't a good gf to him, because I really don't know what to do, he doesn't need me to do anything for him, and he didn't want me to worry about him when he was sick (it's too late to think about how to be a gf for him)... I know every relationship is different, every couple has their own way to interact, but I was comparing him to others without thoroughly examining how I interacted with him. Yeah, more pain after I talked to my friends.

 

I can't talk to guys, I don't hate them, but I feel disgusted when they approach me for flirt or anything beyond a social talk.

[maybejune]

Hey OP,

 

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I am not sure if you mentioned it but how long has it been since you two broke up?

 

4 months, it has been so long that I am sure a lot of people start to date again at this time point, but I am still missing him, so suck.

[inmyownworld]

He sounds like a player? I don't think you were in love with him, but just of your first impression of him. I know, hope is hard to give up, but he doesn't sound like he will ever be relationship material.

[igotoverit]

Hey OP,

 

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I am not sure if you mentioned it but how long has it been since you two broke up?

 

She said 4 months. You have some of the best advice on this site, I was hoping others can offer her their insight as I am learning I know so little.

[maybejune]

He sounds like a player? I don't think you were in love with him, but just of your first impression of him. I know, hope is hard to give up, but he doesn't sound like he will ever be relationship material.

 

Could you talk a little more, I want to know which part makes you feel he is a player.

Edited January 16, 2018 by maybejune
more info

[Beachead]

4 months, it has been so long that I am sure a lot of people start to date again at this time point, but I am still missing him, so suck.

 

 

It's not a long time at all. I'm about 5 months into my current breakup myself. It's not my first rodeo either which is unfortunate but has taught me a lot about the healing process.

 

Time is really relative when it comes to healing. Depending on the nature of your relationship and other variables, you could be over it in a few months or it could take years. Never mind anyone else and don't succumb to their expectations and pressures. They mean well but are incorrect if they say things like "You should be over this by now." We heal when we heal because getting through grieving is a process. You need time to chew, digest and excrete and within all that, all kinds of emotions will come with it.

 

Immediately following my own breakups, sometimes I would just lie in bed, sleep. Wake up, eat a little, take a shower, watch watch a lot of movies. That was all I could manage at the time. As time went on, I began to add a little bit to the routine. I'd go to the store. I'd maybe go for a walk. Then I'd return to the gym and get my physical routine back to speed. I'd talk to my family a little more. I'd find the strength to meet up with friends again. Suddenly one day, I'd find myself talking to someone new and liking it. And that would all happen over the course of a year to a year and a half or so in my particular situation. It was never an overnight process.

 

Your heart is broken. It will take time to mend so extend yourself some leeway and let yourself feel it all. Anger, sadness etc. Don't date right now and if you want to be alone, be alone for awhile. I hope you haven't been reaching out to him and have removed him from your social media so that you won't stalk and see hurtful updates. It'll really help with the initial part of healing. The only thing that you need to be doing is putting your energy into taking care of youself. It's good that you have a therapist and have clearly reached out on LS to share your pain. You are taking steps and in pursuit of moving forward which means you will be okay.

 

Stay strong OP. I believe by the end of this year, you'll be good.