Cheating husband. Do we tell?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Nursing someone with a terminal illness is hard. If he is doing everything he needs to for his family, leave it alone.

 

His wife doesn’t need to know if in every other way he is a loving husband.

 

Not all cases are black and white. Be compassionate.

 

So because she's dying anyway, she doesn't deserve a faithful partner? I'd argue she deserves it even more!

[RSCoach]

If I may, let me give you my professional advice here. If the wife had not been terminally ill I would have said without a doubt, go ahead and tell HER. but considering the tricky situation at hand I would say tell HIM.

 

Let him know that he's been found out, and I promise you that it will make him very nervous and from that moment he will be afraid that someone will tell his wife. Because of this, he may want to tell her himself or just stop his "affair" altogether, for the moment at least.

[Clockwork]

If I may, let me give you my professional advice here. If the wife had not been terminally ill I would have said without a doubt, go ahead and tell HER. but considering the tricky situation at hand I would say tell HIM.

 

Let him know that he's been found out, and I promise you that it will make him very nervous and from that moment he will be afraid that someone will tell his wife. Because of this, he may want to tell her himself or just stop his "affair" altogether, for the moment at least.

 

 

 

My mother was hoping he may have gotten scared away to begin with because he probably thinks he MAY have gotten seen. I think it means he will just be less bold and more careful.

 

I totally agree. At the very least, this woman needs to know if her compromised immune system is being exposed to possible STDs.

 

 

 

Of all the things I have thought about, I can honestly say I haven't even thought about this. Good call, and may I say, a very important point to bring up.

[Clockwork]

I'll update you all on this. My mother is very adamant that I don't say this to anyone (them). Or even that I bring it up to her brother (also my cousin). Her idea is that once she gets passed this tough run of chemo that she might tell her then. My advice is that it is NEVER a good time to tell someone they have been cheated on and how is it better to tell her when she might make a bit of a recovery? Is that when you spring the news on?

 

 

My take is that you can always find an excuse not to tell them. So let's say I disagree with my mom here even though I understand what she is saying. Needless to say, since I am required to keep my promise and my mom won't say anything, it seems as if no one is going to confront anyone after all.

[Space Ritual]

Needless to say, since I am required to keep my promise and my mom won't say anything, it seems as if no one is going to confront anyone after all.

 

What the hell age are you, 12?

 

"Required"?

 

What? REQUIRED?

 

I can totally understand the position of not telling...but please don't use that as THE reason. I'm sure you are more than capable of arriving at the same conclusion without such a seemingly underwhelming reason.

 

I would urge you to reconsider, but I am not you.

 

Best of Luck:)

[Clockwork]

What the hell age are you, 12?

 

"Required"?

 

What? REQUIRED?

 

I can totally understand the position of not telling...but please don't use that as THE reason. I'm sure you are more than capable of arriving at the same conclusion without such a seemingly underwhelming reason.

 

I would urge you to reconsider, but I am not you.

 

Best of Luck:)

 

 

I understand, but what I mean is if I tell it would get back to my mom, and my uncle who knew but didn't say anything. I also promised her I wouldn't say anything, begrudgingly, but I still promised. Plus, I am getting, what, 3rd hand information on this? It is possible that it could be a misunderstanding. I am figuring that this is a 5% chance. If it were me and I had seen what I had seen, she'd already know. My mother's side of the family is terribly secretive though and I would be going against the grain if I told. I almost feel like dropping an anonymous email or facebook message and I would if I knew your IP address couldn't be tracked through Facebook.

[d0nnivain]

I also promised her I wouldn't say anything, begrudgingly, but I still promised. Plus, I am getting, what, 3rd hand information on this? It is possible that it could be a misunderstanding. I am figuring that this is a 5% chance. If it were me and I had seen what I had seen, she'd already know. My mother's side of the family is terribly secretive though and I would be going against the grain if I told. I almost feel like dropping an anonymous email or facebook message and I would if I knew your IP address couldn't be tracked through Facebook.

 

 

Secrets destroy families. So un-promise. Tell your mom that you can't keep this to yourself because it's eating you alive. Have the most gentle conversation you can with your cousin making sure you disclose that you have this info 3rd hand. However, if you are not willing to do all this above board -- not anonymously -- just keep quiet. Failing to take ownership of these disclosures will make everything worse & will help nobody.

[Clockwork]

Secrets destroy families. So un-promise. Tell your mom that you can't keep this to yourself because it's eating you alive. Have the most gentle conversation you can with your cousin making sure you disclose that you have this info 3rd hand. However, if you are not willing to do all this above board -- not anonymously -- just keep quiet. Failing to take ownership of these disclosures will make everything worse & will help nobody.

 

 

 

I totally understand and I am leaning that way. I don't keep secrets and hate back stabbing. The problem I am facing is that I heard this 3rd hand information. My uncle who witnessed it should be the one saying it. Not even my mom, who got the 2nd hand information. To me it isn't fair to put this on someone who didn't even see it. I don't know how to tell her this as I am not the one who saw it and if her husband has a quick excuse as to what really happened then I don't have a leg to stand on and the trickle down effect would look really bad.

 

 

I wish my uncle would just man up and do it. I would do it 100% if I saw it.

[IndigoNight]

A dear friend of mine had ALS. She had been married for close to 30 years when she was diagnosed. As her health failed her more over time, she sat her husband down and gave him the go ahead to see other people, as long as he was discreet. (Her exact words were "I cannot handle anymore pity, so please don't embarrass me.) She knew her illness was taking its toll on him too, and wanted him to be happy. He took her up on her offer after several months of watching her health decline, and kept his activities very private (with one woman) until well over a year after she passed away. He never failed his wife when she needed him, and was with her as she drew her last breath.

 

She is not the only person I have know to green light an "affair" for their partner. Another friend's husband had been in a bad car wreck, that resulted in him losing both legs and being impotent. He gave her the okay to seek sexual gratification outside of their marriage, as long as she was discreet. She never took him up on his offer, and opted for celibacy instead. I asked her if she ever regretted her decision, and she told me that what she had with him was more satisfying than sex could ever be.

 

The point being is that sometimes couples have private arrangements that may seem inappropriate to those that are not aware of their arrangement, and think they may have caught one of the spouses misbehaving.

 

If I had a family member, or close friend, who was terminally ill, I would struggle with adding more pain into their life. I may disagree with infidelity, but hurting someone I care about just to soothe my own personal beliefs is not something I would consider doing lightly. That is just how I feel, based on my own experiences. We all have to make our own choices, and live with their outcome; good or bad.

 

On a side note: During my divorce from my ex, I still remember sitting at a local park being consoled by a dear male friend who was hugging me, rubbing my back, and leg, because I kept trying to get up to leave because I was so upset I couldn't sit still. A neighbor saw us and reported back to my soon to be ex, that I was doing everything short of having sex in the park.

 

Sometimes what looks bad, is just a matter of perception. Other times, it is exactly what it looks like. The real dilemma is deciding if it is worth potentially hurting someone over a "might have been inappropriate" situation.

[BaileyB]

I personally would not say anything...

 

You have no idea what is happening in their marriage. Nor, is it any of your business. I think it's wrong to interfere in someone else's marriage.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

A dear friend of mine had ALS. She had been married for close to 30 years when she was diagnosed. As her health failed her more over time, she sat her husband down and gave him the go ahead to see other people, as long as he was discreet. (Her exact words were "I cannot handle anymore pity, so please don't embarrass me.) She knew her illness was taking its toll on him too, and wanted him to be happy. He took her up on her offer after several months of watching her health decline, and kept his activities very private (with one woman) until well over a year after she passed away. He never failed his wife when she needed him, and was with her as she drew her last breath.

 

She is not the only person I have know to green light an "affair" for their partner. Another friend's husband had been in a bad car wreck, that resulted in him losing both legs and being impotent. He gave her the okay to seek sexual gratification outside of their marriage, as long as she was discreet. She never took him up on his offer, and opted for celibacy instead. I asked her if she ever regretted her decision, and she told me that what she had with him was more satisfying than sex could ever be.

 

The point being is that sometimes couples have private arrangements that may seem inappropriate to those that are not aware of their arrangement, and think they may have caught one of the spouses misbehaving.

 

If I had a family member, or close friend, who was terminally ill, I would struggle with adding more pain into their life. I may disagree with infidelity, but hurting someone I care about just to soothe my own personal beliefs is not something I would consider doing lightly. That is just how I feel, based on my own experiences. We all have to make our own choices, and live with their outcome; good or bad.

 

On a side note: During my divorce from my ex, I still remember sitting at a local park being consoled by a dear male friend who was hugging me, rubbing my back, and leg, because I kept trying to get up to leave because I was so upset I couldn't sit still. A neighbor saw us and reported back to my soon to be ex, that I was doing everything short of having sex in the park.

 

Sometimes what looks bad, is just a matter of perception. Other times, it is exactly what it looks like. The real dilemma is deciding if it is worth potentially hurting someone over a "might have been inappropriate" situation.

 

 

um, THIS !!!!

 

 

How come so very few responses are from people who are actually thinking this through?

 

 

There is every chance that the terminally ill partner has given her husband permission to see someone else. If any of us were in such shoes, with a partner who really mattered to us, we would want to envision that partner going on to love again.

 

Most of us have no awareness of just how the terminally ill woman is impacted by her illness on a day-to-day (or night-to-night) basis, so how and why would we rule-out her having given him permission to see someone else?

 

The variables are just too numerous to sit here and believe that (we are all saints, and that we would never (even want to take our own minds off of the painful fate of our partner) ).

 

 

The correct move here just has to be the old "say nothing, because you can speak-up anytime - yet you can never UN-tell".

 

 

(* the fact that the terminally ill woman is from a family of cheaters may even have her more inclined to have encouraged the man to get his needs met elsewhere {where many others might not even come up with that idea amid so many painful realities about her own life} )

[kindnessmatters]

No one deserves to be cheated on ever regardless of the situation. You should tell her. Good luck to you.

[andie1969]

I would want to know, ESPECIALLY if I was dying. I'd make sure the SOB didn't get any of my life insurance money, etc., and I wouldn't want my cheating spouse being my "next of kin" and be able to make end of life decisions for me!

[Whoknew30]

I totally understand and I am leaning that way. I don't keep secrets and hate back stabbing. The problem I am facing is that I heard this 3rd hand information. My uncle who witnessed it should be the one saying it. Not even my mom, who got the 2nd hand information. To me it isn't fair to put this on someone who didn't even see it. I don't know how to tell her this as I am not the one who saw it and if her husband has a quick excuse as to what really happened then I don't have a leg to stand on and the trickle down effect would look really bad.

 

 

I wish my uncle would just man up and do it. I would do it 100% if I saw it.

 

As having a terminal disease & not only surviving but then to deal with affairs on both sides of our fence...people that have not been sick have absolutely no idea that a huge part of it is mental. You have no idea where your cousin is mentally & only thinking about your own feelings, really. You don’t know what their sex life is if she’s sick, you don’t know what her husband is going through mentally to watch the women he loves slowly dying...people aren’t perfect & often handle traumatic situations unhealthy. I’m not saying it’s a excuse but unless you’ve been in that situation, you have no idea. My H had an affair while I was sick & if someone had told me, first I would Not have wanted to know & then instead of using my energy to heal & feel good, I would had only been focusing on negativity & that’s detrimental to someone that is terminally ill. So let’s say you tell & she takes a turn for the worse?

 

You saw nothing & are submerging yourself in gossip that really isn’t any of your business. Your Uncle wants to say what he saw, that’s his business. If she gets better maybe it would be different but as of right now it’s truly sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong.

 

They’re going through enough, they don’t need people to make decisions for them based on 3rd person stories. Just be good to her, that’s all you can do if you love her that much...not be worried about your own thoughts & judgments.

[JS84]

I'm all for exposing cheaters, but I think you'd need a lot more to go on before dropping a bomb like that. Especially since you have no direct knowledge of anything yourself anyway. Inserting yourself into the situation to begin with would be inappropriate.

 

While leg rubbing and back stroking are clearly crossing the line, that's not exactly a smoking gun. Not enough to dump on the lap of someone with a terminal illness.

 

Now I'm of the mindset of the terminal illness not really making a difference as far as the truth is concerned, unless she's literally on her death bed with days/weeks left. We're all going to die we just don't know when. Hell some of us might have even less time than this man's wife does and we don't even know it.

 

However, I'm not saying her terminal illness doesn't matter at all. I usually don't recommend it but maybe it would be better in this case if your relative who saw what happened spoke to your cousin's husband instead. But as for you, I agree with your mom although probably for different reasons. I don't think you should involve yourself period.