Am I Crazy thinking this way?

[SunshineLady]

I recently posted a thread on the Infidelity board titled "Betrayed by Husband." Well, I decided it was time for an ultimatum. He expects me to forgive and forget all of his past discretions. Four years ago, when we were both 24, he decided, against my will, to have a vasectomy. I voiced to him, before the procedure, that I would like one more child. He disagreed with me and said that I had the baby blues and that I would see it his way some day.

 

Fast forward to me finding out about his affairs. He begged for me to take him back. He said that he knew it was wrong for him to have had the vasectomy knowing I wanted another child. He said that we would reconsider it and he would see a doctor about a reversal. So.....fast forward one week from that point, after I let him move back in wiith me. He said that HE reconsidered the issue and he still doesn't want another child. So much for me being a part of my life decisions .

 

A few days ago I decided that it was time to give him an ultimatum. I had had it!! I gave him two options: (1) I would do everything I had to to forgive and forget his indiscrections and the way he treated me for 7 years, and after our relationship got to a better than healthy point, we would have only 1 more child, just 1, (2) He would not agree to have another child, I would leave, start over fresh, and make him pay for myself and our 3 children, and make sure the court knows EXACTLY why I am divorcing him.

 

So, what does he choose? Well, he wants option 1 minus the baby. Ha! To me that just proves his selfishness. He said I am starting hubub, and there's no reason for it????

 

Was I wrong to give him such an ultimatum?

 

Thank you for any input.

[Mz. Pixie]

Just because he doesn't want to have another child doesn't mean that he doesn't love you and doesn't want to work on the marriage. The marriage and the child issue are two separate issues.

 

What are his reasons for not wanting another child??

 

If you're thinking that another child can fix a problem relationship don't. I personally wouldn't advise having children with someone in a already unstable relationship.

 

If not having another child is a deal breaker then of course you should divorce him. You could always consider getting artificially inseminated without telling him, after all, he did have the operation without your consent!

[Breathe]

I don't see anything wrong with giving him an ultimatum. However, I think you should let the baby thing go for now and bring it up down the road after you know for sure that your marriage is a healthy one. Work on the marriage first, make sure he is the husband and father he needs and should be. Once you are at this point where you have some trust in him again and things are better than just good, then talk about bringing another baby into your lives. Take it one step at a time here.

 

As far as "forgetting" what he's done. This is never going to happen. As much as he wants you to, and you may want to, this is just impossible. You can forgive, but your never going to be able to forget the betrayal. Your marriage may be good for some time, but you will see or hear things that bring those old feelings of the betrayal back into your mind. Your going to be more cautious now of his actions and your always going to have to stay one step ahead of him. It's a lot of work to repair the damage, but if you both really want this and work hard at it, this can be done. Still, you need to stay realistic and understand that "forgetting" will never happen.

[Sal Paradise]

He probably had the vasectomy so he could cheat without the risk of knocking some chick up and you finding out.

[lynnspies1]

Originally posted by Sal Paradise

He probably had the vasectomy so he could cheat without the risk of knocking some chick up and you finding out.

 

I often think that this is why my husband had the snip, snip.

 

Anyway, Having a child is a huge decision. If you coerce him into doing it it will only breed resentment. I don't think it is a good idea to say that you will forgive him if he gives you what you want. Even if in one year things are great and he has the vasectomy reversed, there is a good chance after five years that it won't work and then what? Are you going to leave him because he did not hold up his end of the deal?

 

I think it would be wise to put the possibility of another child on the back burner and find out if this is really a marriage you want to commit to "as is."

 

Good luck, Lynn

[anon4]

You already have three kids and you want another one, even when your marriage is shakey?

 

Is that fair to the kids you already have? To yourself?

 

Why do you want another kid so badly?

[EndoftheRope]

The baby thing aside (and what everyone else about that says makes sense), I can't help but notice that, minus the baby, all he agreed to is:

 

you forgive and forget everything.

 

Well, who WOULDN'T agree to that!

 

On the other hand, it sounds like you want a baby more than you want the marriage. It seems to me there should be an option 3 (or different options 1 and 2?) in which what you give is forgiveness, and what he gives is a Herculean effort at making amends, counseling, repairing the marriage, proving you can trust him to reform, etc.

[Ladyjane14]

You have three children together already, so there's incentive to work on the marriage right there.

 

That said, it is patently unfair for one partner to make a unilateral decision affecting the course of the other partner's life. It would be a serious mistake, in my opinion anyway, to EVER have more children with this man. He doesn't want them. He's made that perfectly clear.

 

I can imagine that this "unilateral" decision on his part has probably intensified your wish for another child. It would be only human to feel that way.

 

In essence, he's told you what you're gonna do....and you'll be feeling the desire to rebel against the authority he's wrongly placed upon you. What he did was disrespectful to say the absolute least.

 

Then if that wasn't enough....he runs out and cheats on you. You have PLENTY of grounds for divorce. And I must admit, if it were me....I'd have probably 'cut bait' with this guy on D-Day.

 

I think, all things considered.....it comes down to the question of if you have any feelings left for him. Do you still love him?

 

Sometimes, when you've got ALOT of resentment built up, it's difficult to tell. Lord knows, he's given you plenty of cause to have built up resentment too. So, maybe that's the place to start. If you can work on forgiveness.

 

Forgiveness does NOT mean that you have to accept him back into your life. It doesn't mean that you won't eventually divorce him even after having forgiven him.

 

What it does mean is that you deal with all those hard-feelings that his actions against you have caused....the anger, resentment, helplessness, etc. You acknowledge those feelings, and you work through them for YOURSELF.

 

To forgive is NOT to commit yourself in accepting the person who wronged you. It is more like 'writing off' a debt which can NEVER be repaid.

 

There's NOTHING he could ever do, which will make up for the pain he's inflicted on you. Nothing he can do will fix it. Reversing his vasectomy won't erase the fact that he elected to have one in the first place. It won't change the fact that he cheated with other women.

 

My advice to you then would be this....

 

Put husband in "the holding pattern", let him know that YOU have some things to think about and will not commit yourself either way until that is done. Let him know that you are trying to find a way to feel forgiveness in your heart for him, but haven't quite managed it yet.

 

Then work on you. Work through your feelings one by one. Give them each their correct names, allow yourself to feel them, and then put them away in their proper places. Work on forgiveness.....which is FOR YOU....cleaning the slate and "writing off" the debt as uncollectible.

 

After all that's done....then spend some time thinking about IF you still want this man in your life, and in what capacity. It's just too hard to make a decision like that when you're still feeling anger intensely.

 

He has expressed a wish to work on forgiveness. It's a good plan. But I don't think he understands that forgiveness doesn't necessarily mean reconciliation of the marriage. Perhaps you should point that out to him.

[RecordProducer]

You were absolutely wrong and ridiculous! His option was okay. He wants to work on the marriage, but no more children. It's not selfish. It would have been selfish if he had 3 children and you had none.

It's actually very selfish that you want a child that's unwanted by him. If you do that, he will have every excuse (I didn't have justification) in the world to be a bad husband and cheat on you again. You're supposed to start all over again on a healthy basis. And what you're doing is very unhealthy. Children should be planned by both parents. Why do you want so desperately another child? And why do you need HIM for another child? If the marriage means so little to you then get divorced and have a child with someone who will be grateful to you for having his baby.

[RecordProducer]

What I meant to type was:

 

Originally posted by RecordProducer

If you do that, he will have every excuse (I didn't say justification) in the world to be a bad husband and cheat on you again.

 

I think you've already decided to give it a try, but want to use his inferior position in the whole situation to blackmail him with another baby. Don't do that! You will end up cheated on and treated like crap again.

[SunshineLady]

Thank you all, so much for your input. After my counseling session, and reading some of the replies here, I realized that it would be my worst mistake to ever consider having another child with this man. I should not have had even one with him, let alone the two we have. I guess the plain truth is that I am a giver and he is a taker.

 

I spoked with WH last night and told him that I thought marriage counseling (for the 3rd time), would be our only chance at saving this marriage. The first two times, he went twice, didn't like it that the counselor(s) told him there were things he needed to change about the way he treated me, and refused to go back. So, the third try would be the last draw for me. His response "we'll be all right." My take on that, is "I won't listen to anyone tell me how to fix my life."

 

My counselor explained to me that he puts me through a cycle of emotional abuse. He has problems that are unrelated to me, so, has to find something wrong, and take it out on me in order to release his frustration. Once that frustration is relased, he can go into a calm state (when he acts like a decent guy), until the tension builds up inside of him again. Then it starts all over.

 

I am so at my wits end. I have three children who are 8, 5 and 4. I have a medical problem that might require surgery, and am currently on disability for it. I don't have any family support. I don't even know what to do. I can't live like he wants to, pretending nothing ever happened, and he will magically be this decent guy for the rest of our marriage.

 

:(