Twice scared depressed Boyfriend wants me back after break up 5 days ago

[Practical Dreamer]

Hi guys. I'm new here and would like to get an impartial sounding board on my current predicament.

 

Just to cut it short, my ex-boyfriend has broken No Contact 5 days after he broke up with me (I'm the dumpee, hurray), and is trying to backtrack on the breaking up bit I think. Now for the long story. I hope you can bear with me!

 

We were in a long distance relationship for a year, of which I spent 3 months living together with him in Europe. (I'm a New Zealander). I met him while travelling in Africa and we really hit it off, travelling together for about a month and a half. After which, he returned to Europe with the promise that we would try to work out a place/country that we could both find jobs and live in. We are both older, I'm in my mid-30s and he's in his early 40s, so we're not spring chickens.

 

There were a couple of bumps and hitches along the way. Upon my arrival in Europe last May, he became quite distant. Not messaging as much, chatting with less enthusiasm (the usual story). He fessed up later that he hadn't told me that he was still living platonically, separate bedrooms with his ex in a house they both co-own. I'm not sure why he had to withhold this from me. I believe him though, as he certainly wasn't being a player when I first met him. Nice but a bit stand-offish and he admitted he was scared to get close to people.

 

Anyhow, he suffers from depression and at a certain point, he messaged me out of the blue while I was visiting other friends in Europe, that I shouldn't meet up with him in Paris as we had planned. Bear in mind, we hadn't seen each other for 3 months since Africa. He cited that he was lost, couldn't find another job or a way out of his current situation. I had already bought a ticket for Paris in 3 weeks time, and this was a huge blow.

 

I lost all confidence in him then and decided to call it a day, since I felt he wasn't fighting for me and continued to travel alone to the Balkans. A week later, I hear from him again and he has changed his mind. Come to Paris! I was hesitant and mistrustful. Why should I? I really cared for him, but .... as the story goes, I went to Paris. Booked a separate Airbnb and was prepared just to meet for coffee in the afternoon. Needless to say, that didn't happen. I ended up staying at his sister's place there, we talked and we reconciled. Met his family. He was more upbeat and happier because he had gotten a job in Germany.

 

So, between my intermittent travels, I went to visit and stayed with him for a total of 3 months. They were fantastic. I had to go home for a bit as I didn't want to overstay in Europe. The idea was that I would job hunt (I like working in curious places) and whatever I found, I would then go ahead and pursue it. He was happy to follow after me. So I left.

 

Fast forward 3 months down the line. He has found another job in Norway and isn't enjoying it. He keeps saying he doesn't talk to anyone in this new position and he is always tired. Communication starts to lapse a bit. He is a bit of a loner and needs his alone time, so he booked a cabin to spend Christmas and New year where he could enjoy some solitude and no internet...I can understand that. We had a lovely video chat and wished each other a merry christmas. Then.... nothing much. A few sentences here and there between 3-4 days. He said he didn't have any access, unfortunately, I'm a bit internet savvy and can see when someone has been online etc etc. It started to worry me, why was he distancing himself from me? I wasn't asking for that much contact. I confronted him with this (not angrily) when he returned to 'civilisation'. He apologised and said again that he needed the time alone and space. He just has no energy.

 

Bear in mind, we are at this time, on 2 different continents. I'm not sure how much more space you need in a long distance relationship. But this was feeling off.

 

Just a 6 days ago, I found a cheap ticket to visit him in 2 months time. At this point, we haven't seen each other for 3 months. I asked him if it was ok for me to swing by in March, it would have been 5 months since we had last seen each other. He said yes ok. I bought the ticket and then gave him the details.

 

Suddenly, I get a message back saying he hopes I didn't buy the ticket just because of him. He may not be in the country, also he has no energy and no time for anyone. Meaning me. So, I wasn't to book the ticket to see him. I rebutted, saying yes I booked the ticket to see him, to which he replied that he was tired, was under huge pressure and couldn't even think about me. Just himself.

 

This was a shocker. I told him that at that point that I wasn't going to message for a bit, as I didn't want to say anything that I would regret. And I would come back to him. He beat me to it about a day after with this message

 

"This isn't easy.

I think it is time to let you go as I can’t go on even if you are and have been an important person in my life. Just the fact that you have planned to visit me is really stressing me out. I don’t have the energy or willingness to be in a relationship.

I am just not ready to be in a relationship as I am finding it difficult just being with myself. I am sorry."

 

This, again! A huge shock! I took a day to compose myself, because I couldn't believe we had come full circle. Then I asked for a phone chat (because you should never break up in a message) to which he agreed. I tried to be as compassionate as I could, because this was really breaking my heart. But, what can you do when someone is so stressed out about you and has no enthusiasm at even the thought of seeing you again. It's so painful to be rejected like this, again. Especially after already buying a ticket, again!

 

So I said my piece, that I was sad. That I hoped he could find himself out of this depressive state. And that I wished him well. Also for my sake, I requested that we have no contact for 5 months. I was serious about this, as I wasn't going to waste my ticket and it pained me to think I would be so close to him. 5 months would mean I would be out of the vicinity, as well as in the safe non-trigger zone should we wish to get into contact and stay as friends.

 

It's been a painful 5 days of withdrawal. Non sleeping, bouts of crying then some normality in between. I've been trying to rewire my brain (although my heart still says otherwise).

 

Today, he messaged me to backtrack, apologising for breaking the NC but explaining that he got scared. He doesn't want me to move to Europe for him (yes I was going to look for a job there, potentially) and wanted me to follow my own dreams and ambitions as he didn't consider himself to be 'a dream'. He also said I could visit him in Germany. Wth?!

 

Apologies for this long post. In your opinion, what should I do? I haven't contacted him yet. He messaged me about 10 hours ago. I'm not trying to punish him and certainly the NC was for my peace of mind. But this? If I wanted to get in contact, should I put conditions? I'm kind, but I'm not a pushover.

 

I feel numb to be honest. I love the guy, but he needs to sort himself out. What would you do in this situation? Help please!!

[preraph]

I bet anything he spent that "solitary holiday" with his ex and is still involved with her. I think he's messed up enough that I'd be done with him. He sounds like a mess. And I think he's also a liar. I mean, he's just pushing and pulling on you all the time and I bet you're not the only one. Just sayin.

[perception]

That sounds like alot to handle in terms of a relationship.

The anxiety/depression he's got might be directly intertwined with the relationship - he might be just unsure about if you two really fit, I guess he's fascinated with your enthusiasm and explorer-spirit.

And compares his situation to yours.

 

Either that or he really wants to prevent you from making a mistake with him - In which case he just isn't strong enough to follow through. This will only get better if he can do something for his self-worth.

 

Last scenario is of course that he still feels deeply for his ex/another woman.

 

In either case - the man is in his forties but he has quite alot of self-growth to do, before he can handle you responsibly. (corny )

In my opinion it might be better to let this go, check on him in a years time and see what that did for him - he needs stability right now.

And breaking up with you might give him the spur to finally get it.