soshy Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 Hello, I have been married for 16 years and have a teenage son. Seven years ago, my husband cheated on me. I stayed with him for all of the reasons that many BWs do. Unfortunately, my husband has not touched me sexually for the past 6 years. Recently, I decided that I was done putting my needs on the back burner and asked for a divorce. My husband and I still live in the same house, have not filed and have not told our son. We are amicable and working through some details before we do this. Backstory: I have been friends with a guy for the past 10 years. His kids go to my son's school. So our families know each other very well. My friendship with this guy was not known by my husband or by his wife. From time to time, we would grab coffee, chat on the phone and that was it. There has always been an attraction there both mentally and physically but it has always remained unsaid. Present: The day after I'd asked for a divorce. My friend called and asked to grab coffee. I tell hima bout the divorce and days later he begins pursuing me. This lasted 1 month. We did not become physical nor did we discuss feelings, anything long term, etc... Basically a fun , flirty emotional affair. My husband could sense that something was different with me. I was probably glowing:) He confronted me and I told him the truth. My husband took it rather well. The truth is that I have been crazy about this guy for 10 years. And I really would like a chance of getting to know him on an intimate level. We both feel very guilty about the fact that I am still married. So, decided to put everything on hold at least until my husband has moved out. So my question is this. Does it sound like I am on the right path, towards handling this properly? I would like to have a fresh start with this guy, if possible. My intended outcome would be to: 1) Not cause my OM any more guilt, strife or hurt. 2) Be respectful to my husband 3) Not ruin anything that could potentially be there with my OM...understanding that there are no guarantees. Thanks very much for you input! Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 He is married? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author soshy Posted January 14, 2018 Author Share Posted January 14, 2018 (edited) He is married? No, he has been divorced for 3 years. Please note, that our kids carpool together so I see he and his ex-wife often. He and his ex are on very good terms. Edited January 14, 2018 by soshy Link to post Share on other sites
Veronica73 Posted January 15, 2018 Share Posted January 15, 2018 File for divorce and don’t give your husband any reason to think that you there is any chance that you are going to reconcile. Live separately. Make sure your child is handling things okay. Then pursue. Always be honest and open. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author soshy Posted January 15, 2018 Author Share Posted January 15, 2018 File for divorce and don’t give your husband any reason to think that you there is any chance that you are going to reconcile. Live separately. Make sure your child is handling things okay. Then pursue. Always be honest and open. Thanks Veronica! That verifies my thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 15, 2018 Share Posted January 15, 2018 Welcome to LS.... This.... So, decided to put everything on hold at least until my husband has moved out.Then this.... I tell him a bout the divorce and days later he begins pursuing me.Easy. Just let it happen. Since the kids know each other, IMO some discretion is in order during the emotional period of family separation, especially if the kids are young. The hard part? Sticking to the plan. You both have had a taste and human nature is what it is. Hope it works out! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author soshy Posted January 15, 2018 Author Share Posted January 15, 2018 Welcome to LS.... This.... Then this.... Easy. Just let it happen. Since the kids know each other, IMO some discretion is in order during the emotional period of family separation, especially if the kids are young. The hard part? Sticking to the plan. You both have had a taste and human nature is what it is. Hope it works out! Thanks Carhill! Yes...he's sticking to the plan...and it's killing me:) But there will for sure be discretion regarding the kids. Assuming that we ever even go out again. Although he pursued me, the poor guy is pretty freaked out. I just hope there's a chance to start over. Thanks Again! Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 15, 2018 Share Posted January 15, 2018 I'd guess that, given all the conditions and history involved. you'll find this relationship more complicated than one you started fresh after your divorce was in place. But I get that the heart wants what the heart wants. Hope it works out... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author soshy Posted January 15, 2018 Author Share Posted January 15, 2018 I'd guess that, given all the conditions and history involved. you'll find this relationship more complicated than one you started fresh after your divorce was in place. But I get that the heart wants what the heart wants. Hope it works out... Mr. Lucky Hi MR Lucky, Yes...will definitely be more complicated. Thanks for your kind words! Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted January 15, 2018 Share Posted January 15, 2018 One does not ask for a divorce. It is not a present or a favour that needs to be given to you. If you want a divorce then you see a lawyer and FILE. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 15, 2018 Share Posted January 15, 2018 If your husband is okay with your seeing the OM then I suppose it's okay. I wouldn't prolong the divorce but actually get it started. What is the hold up? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 15, 2018 Share Posted January 15, 2018 One does not ask for a divorce. It is not a present or a favour that needs to be given to you. If you want a divorce then you see a lawyer and FILE. That's a good point. The court lays out specific processes and fees for filing and it's pretty easy. The most expensive part for most folks who file with a lawyer is the retainer. However, the court may have assistance for relatively simple divorces. With children, IMO better to use a lawyer. Still, cough up the cash, bring the requisite asset/debt records, take an hour or two for the initial interview, they pound the keyboard and a court filing is produced. Usually takes a couple days at most to get it filed and served, maybe a week tops. That's just the start. After that, anything can happen. It's not like falling off a cliff, rather more like walking a path, the path in this case to be with the OM. Get started today! Link to post Share on other sites
Author soshy Posted January 15, 2018 Author Share Posted January 15, 2018 If your husband is okay with your seeing the OM then I suppose it's okay. I wouldn't prolong the divorce but actually get it started. What is the hold up? There is no hold up. We are proceeding with the divorce. Did something make it sound otherwise? Link to post Share on other sites
Author soshy Posted January 15, 2018 Author Share Posted January 15, 2018 That's a good point. The court lays out specific processes and fees for filing and it's pretty easy. The most expensive part for most folks who file with a lawyer is the retainer. However, the court may have assistance for relatively simple divorces. With children, IMO better to use a lawyer. Still, cough up the cash, bring the requisite asset/debt records, take an hour or two for the initial interview, they pound the keyboard and a court filing is produced. Usually takes a couple days at most to get it filed and served, maybe a week tops. That's just the start. After that, anything can happen. It's not like falling off a cliff, rather more like walking a path, the path in this case to be with the OM. Get started today! Good grief you guys....why is everyone under the impression that the divorce is stalled? It is not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author soshy Posted January 15, 2018 Author Share Posted January 15, 2018 One does not ask for a divorce. It is not a present or a favour that needs to be given to you. If you want a divorce then you see a lawyer and FILE. Thought it might be a good idea to at least to discuss (ask) it with him before I have him served:D:bunny: Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted January 15, 2018 Share Posted January 15, 2018 If you can’t see it would you like it to be explained? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 15, 2018 Share Posted January 15, 2018 Thought it might be a good idea to at least to discuss (ask) it with him before I have him served:D:bunny: I think the member is referring to this, as am I: Present: The day after I'd asked for a divorce. My friend called and asked to grab coffee. I tell him about the divorce and days later he begins pursuing me. This lasted 1 month. This indicates that you had a talk about the divorce at least one month ago and 'asked for a divorce'. Having gone through this, yeah, we had that talk too, agreed who would file and my exW filed a week or so later and I was served by the sheriff two days after that. Easy peasy. Make sense? I'm also looking at this from an OM perspective since I was one once with a MW who gave lip service to getting a divorce but didn't for years. When we don't see concrete actions, movement, love and hope dies and resentment takes its place. Since you wish to make a fresh start with this OM and have agreed to cease contact until you're divorced, the longer you wait to get started, the less likely he'll be around when you get around to it. Men don't generally stay chaste and committed to a nebulous future with no present reciprocation. That's reality. Exceptions? Sure. I was one. A dope. Great life lesson in MW's. Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 (edited) Hi Soshy, I guess it's late in the day and one cannot turn back the clock. However, as a point of interest, I wanted to ask you whether it could be that since you fell for your OM ten years ago, your husband felt the alienation due to vibes/ attitude change on your behalf which led him to his affair? You were in fact, in an emotional affair before your husband cheated on you emotionally or physically, so the question of what came first, the chicken or the egg was more or less settled there. Although you may not acknowledge it, your EA would have enabled you to put up an emotional barrier vis a vis your husband which he would have detected at a subconscious level. I would think this is the barrier which led him to rejecting you sexually, something that you probably wanted him to do subconsciously, as it made it easier for you to continue with your EA guilt free. So I guess you have played the game well and come out the winner. However, the question remains, Who is the victim in all this? Your husband, your son or your marriage or is it the whole package? Guess you have a lifetime to figure that out. What is it that they say about cheaters getting together? Hope you are able to weather the impending storm. Wish you the best for the future. Edited January 16, 2018 by Just a Guy Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 Hello, Thought it might be a good idea to at least to discuss (ask) it with him before I have him served:D:bunny: He confronted me and I told him the truth. My husband took it rather well. We both feel very guilty about the fact that I am still married. So, decided to put everything on hold at least until my husband has moved out. I thought with the above bolded statements that you had already discussed divorce with your husband. Link to post Share on other sites
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