How to Feel About Wife Sleeping on Co-Workers Couch After Drinking

[Doorstopper]

Your relationship being rocky is red flag.

 

Driving to a place she could get back to (his place) and then going out and getting hammered, screams of a premeditated decision, to not come home. This is a huge red flag.

 

Since this only happened 2 nights ago, can you find which panties she wore? If shes a "granny panty" girl and she were her sexiest panties, you have another red flag.

 

Finally, Check phone records and her phone, to she if she's deleted any texts from/to him. If she has, it doesn't look good.

 

If phone records check out, tell her you love her, and just wanted to be sure. Work on why your relationship is rocky. Its possible, something was going to happen and didn't.

[SammySammy]

Why would she drive to his house before going out? Leave her car at his house? That means they went out together. And intended to return ... together.

[usa1ah]

Hey all,

 

Wondering how you would go about this. Last night, my wife went out with coworkers because of some new hires starting and going to happy hour. She drove to a co workers apartment first to park there and then her whole department met up. She had invited me to join around midnight but I couldnt make it out.

 

2 am rolls by and she isn't home and at about 2:40 she replies to my text of "are you ok" with, not really, got too drunk, Josh is helping me i might need to crash here cant drive.

 

She woke up in the morning texting me saying she felt so bad for sleeping over there and making me feel uncomfortable by doing so, but I just feel it's inappropriate to sleep on a coworkers couch let alone one that's not married. Which is a different question because I have no reason to suspect anything happened.

 

I asked how she ended up there and they had ubered to her car at his apartment and she realized she shouldn't drive and then crashed on the couch.

 

I feel she should have asked me for the ride so I am just a bit lost.

 

Another member went through this same thing, his wife finally admitted to have sex with her coworker.

 

Why didn’t she Uber home after dropping the coworker off?

 

There is no good reason for her staying at this coworkers house.

 

Why did she not go with one of her female coworkers to begin with?

 

Why did this start and finish at her male coworkers apt?

 

Ask her for her phone and go through it. Look at all the apps and messages. Find anything dealing with this coworker. If she refuses she is hiding the truth from you.

[usa1ah]

I have. She's not usually a rowdy one, and i made it a point that when you pull a move like that it's a really poor reflection of what others may think.

 

She's not the part type so I am not too worried of anyone thinking anything salacious but it's just really lazy and dense to not realize it be an issue.

 

Again, I have no reason to think she did anything. This Co-worker is not an intimate friend and I have never suspected anything.

 

Most BH’s never see it coming.

[usa1ah]

Thank's all for the advice and thoughts. She knows my thoughts and does feel bad. Things have been a rocky as of late which just makes this a bit more of a catalyst to being upset.

 

Do yourself a favor, read some of the threads in the infidelity section.

 

Look at how many have in it what you are describing in your own situation.

 

Wife out all night, crashes at male coworkers place.

 

Our relationship has been a little rocky lately.

 

She never would cheat.

 

All of this has been said before by husbands that have been cheated on.

 

I hope it is not the case with you.

[BettyDraper]

Did Jill spend the night or was it just the 2 of them? If Jill was never there, that changes the story completely.

 

There is no way my fiancee would ever except any excuse to sleep on a single woman's couch. Uber is always available. Drunk or not, that battle won't happen. I wasnt born yesterday.

 

This. A few years ago, my husband was three sheets to the wind after an evening with friends. My husband called me and told me that his friend was putting him in a cab. He didn't stay out all night. Spouses should not do such things....especially when the opposite sex is involved!

[b2121]

Hey all, so again thanks for the advice and thoughts on the issue.

 

A few more facts. She had invited me out earlier in the night, before being really drunk. I did also know in advance she was getting drinks with her whole department.

 

I think what she did was reckless and inconsiderate, but I am not or at least was not implying she cheated.

 

She's viewed, even though young and attractive as a mom in the office because she is always taking care of people. Her boss is the only person, just based on how often they work together I'd ever remotely suspect she could do anything with. Josh is not a name that comes up often but I have met him.

 

More details for you. She was home by seven in the morning, because she goes to volunteer every Saturday morning with children and changed then left. So an argument for her could be to not leave the car and Uber because she needed it in the morning.

 

I could be totally naive, but my biggest grievance was just putting herself in that situation

 

We have been married three years, together ten. Only one issue from a trust standpoint which ironically I posted about on here years ago and we moved past it.

[Cullenbohannon]

Wait a second. She was home at 7am after being up drinking and partying from 7pm till 3am? She was so drunk she had to crash on someone's couch, but wakes up 3 hours later? Who woke her up at 6am? If I go down at 3am drunk, I won't wake until noon. I was going to ask what time she got home and what was her disposition. If she went straight out, she obviously wasn't hung over.

 

I would give her the benefit of the doubt, since there was communication, but now it looks like she may have not slept at all.

Bright red flag in my view. Something doesn't seem right.

Edited January 16, 2018 by Cullenbohannon

[Bobdobalina]

had the car parked at his place sounds like a bit planned

[b2121]

had the car parked at his place sounds like a bit planned

 

I had known she parked there in advance because it's the same apartment complex we used to live at and she had texted me when she first got there earlier that night.

 

And I know this sounds like justification but when she drinks she always gets up really early, it's weird I know.

[jjgitties]

It sounds like the two of you have a very healthy relationship. Perhaps just flat out ask her if she is having an affair and tell her the sleeping over thing made you think that. It's not insecure at all. What if the roles were reversed and you were the one who slept over at a single attractive ladies apartment?

[Maraud3r]

Oh paleeze. That's over the top imo. I trust my wife to the end of the world. I would have said good stay there if she wanted to then I would have rolled over and went to sleep.

I had a friend like that, he always said he had no reason to worry when his fiancee was dancing intimately with other guys at the club when we were going out and acting "inappropriate" so to speak and that they absolutely trust each other. Turned out he was wrong, only thing he had left were several thousand in debt she left him when she finally found one good enough for more than a fling. Well, you do you!

 

 

A few more facts. She had invited me out earlier in the night, before being really drunk. I did also know in advance she was getting drinks with her whole department.

You said this and people asked whether she had ANY way of knowing you would likely say no/be unable to make it. This is an important factor in all of this.

I think what she did was reckless and inconsiderate, but I am not or at least was not implying she cheated.

No, you were not. You merely found her behaviour inappropriate. It's people who are not involved in the situation and not invested in it who picked out several things which look like huge red flags. Things which regularly crop up in other threads and relationship issues and while not always, very often end up in a bad place.

 

She's viewed, even though young and attractive as a mom in the office because she is always taking care of people. Her boss is the only person, just based on how often they work together I'd ever remotely suspect she could do anything with. Josh is not a name that comes up often but I have met him.

Lot's of moms have affairs, so do lots of dads. It hasn't stopped them nor other people. And her rarely mentioning him doesn't really mean there can't be anything.

 

More details for you. She was home by seven in the morning, because she goes to volunteer every Saturday morning with children and changed then left. So an argument for her could be to not leave the car and Uber because she needed it in the morning.

That seems, odd. Really odd. If anything this makes all of this even more suspect. Let me sum this up to see if I got this right.

 

1. Your wife goes out with people from her work. She did not immediatly ask you to join them.

2. She drives to Josh place (Why?) to then go to the bar together with Josh. (Again, why?)

3. At around midnight she writes you, to ask whether you want to join them. Possibly knowing you would not be able to do so. Especially if she's a mom and there are children in the mix you are watching over. If the latter is the case, why would she even do this.

4. You don't hear anything from her for another 2:40 hours. After you write her she writes you back that she's too drunk and wont make it home. Instead she went back to Josh, she guy she drove her car too before going out with him to meet the others. She'll stay there. She doesn't ask you to get her, she doesn't take a taxi, she asks nobody else if they could take her home. No she wants to stay at Josh's.

5. The next morning she writes you. Telling you that she's sorry for making you feel uncomfortable. Have you actually written her something along these lines, telling her this. Otherwise, why would she begin your conversation by telling you "nothing happened". Seems odd.

6. At SEVEN in the morning. Four hours later. After she spend the entire day prior awake. Drove to Josh, went drinking with Josh, was too drunk to drive back home. She suddenly is completely sober, manages to make her way home, shower and immediatly be out and about with your children.

 

So, do I have this right? Did I get something wrong? Imagine for a moment someone else would tell you this instead of you being in that situation. If anything, this is rapidly becoming more and more suspect.

 

 

I had known she parked there in advance because it's the same apartment complex we used to live at and she had texted me when she first got there earlier that night.

 

And I know this sounds like justification but when she drinks she always gets up really early, it's weird I know.

The body needs time to actually process alcohol. If she wasn't in any position to drive at 3 Am. She wasn't in any to drive at 7 Am. After she was awake for an entire day, partied and then barely got 3 hours sleep. http://www.drinkfox.com/information/alcohol-metabolism

 

Edit, also is this the same woman who broke up with you. Pursued another man. Slept with him. Then got back together with you after that relationship went nowhere and lied to you for YEARS about it?

Edited January 16, 2018 by Maraud3r

[Mr. Lucky]

Even if there's not a whiff of cheating, your wife has poor judgment and uncertain boundaries. That alone would be enough to put me at Defcon 2...

 

Mr. Lucky

[S2B]

The next morning she would have still been driving drunk at 7am if she was seriously too drunk to drive at 3am.

 

How do even know she was with Josh - maybe she was somewhere else. Maybe she wasn't drunk but just wanted to sleep with someone else that night so she made up the "I'm drunk/can't drive" story.

 

Looks like she assumed you would be upset - she knew she was inappropriate and didn't care about your feelings the night before.

 

I think you have been naive in giving her the benefit of the doubt - you seem to make justifications and excuses FOR HER. That's very odd - you may be truly too trusting of her. Start checking on her - she's not trustworthy as the whole evening seems very suspect in so many levels...levels you seem to be making excuses for her.

 

 

Why has your relationship been rocky lately?

[DKT3]

Hey all, so again thanks for the advice and thoughts on the issue.

 

A few more facts. She had invited me out earlier in the night, before being really drunk. I did also know in advance she was getting drinks with her whole department.

 

I think what she did was reckless and inconsiderate, but I am not or at least was not implying she cheated.

 

She's viewed, even though young and attractive as a mom in the office because she is always taking care of people. Her boss is the only person, just based on how often they work together I'd ever remotely suspect she could do anything with. Josh is not a name that comes up often but I have met him.

 

More details for you. She was home by seven in the morning, because she goes to volunteer every Saturday morning with children and changed then left. So an argument for her could be to not leave the car and Uber because she needed it in the morning.

 

I could be totally naive, but my biggest grievance was just putting herself in that situation

 

We have been married three years, together ten. Only one issue from a trust standpoint which ironically I posted about on here years ago and we moved past it.

 

Hmm, this plus the past issue where you guys broke up so she could sleep with another guy should really be setting off alarms.

 

It really seems odd, I mean the whole thing. If I were I betting man, I would bet there is a too be continued here...sorry doesn't sound like you have a faithful trustworthy wife.

[road]

When she texted you that she may crash there, why didn't you insist on going to pick her up instead?

 

No way would I let my wife go out drinking alone.

No way I would not of gone to get my wife when that call

came in.

 

What was so important at 2 am that you could not stop and

go get your wife?

[road]

Hey all, so again thanks for the advice and thoughts on the issue.

 

A few more facts. She had invited me out earlier in the night, before being really drunk. I did also know in advance she was getting drinks with her whole department.

 

I think what she did was reckless and inconsiderate, but I am not or at least was not implying she cheated.

 

She's viewed, even though young and attractive as a mom in the office because she is always taking care of people. Her boss is the only person, just based on how often they work together I'd ever remotely suspect she could do anything with. Josh is not a name that comes up often but I have met him.

 

More details for you. She was home by seven in the morning, because she goes to volunteer every Saturday morning with children and changed then left. So an argument for her could be to not leave the car and Uber because she needed it in the morning.

 

I could be totally naive, but my biggest grievance was just putting herself in that situation

 

We have been married three years, together ten. Only one issue from a trust standpoint which ironically I posted about on here years ago and we moved past it.

 

Wait a second. She was home at 7am after being up drinking and partying from 7pm till 3am? She was so drunk she had to crash on someone's couch, but wakes up 3 hours later? Who woke her up at 6am? If I go down at 3am drunk, I won't wake until noon. I was going to ask what time she got home and what was her disposition. If she went straight out, she obviously wasn't hung over.

 

I would give her the benefit of the doubt, since there was communication, but now it looks like she may have not slept at all.

Bright red flag in my view. Something doesn't seem right.

 

Before I finished reading the first quote I said to myself: to

hammered to drive but is home by 7 am that morning, on 3 hours

sleep. Makes me paranoid.

 

Also no need to go a his house and end up at his house.

She has a car. Makes it so much convenient to drive directly

to the bar then straight home.

[road]

Hmm, this plus the past issue where you guys broke up so she could sleep with another guy should really be setting off alarms.

 

It really seems odd, I mean the whole thing. If I were I betting man, I would bet there is a too be continued here...sorry doesn't sound like you have a faithful trustworthy wife.

 

How come the most important fact/s is always left out.

Thanks to those that brought us up to speed.

[Doorstopper]

I've read threads on the infidelity forum where I've said to myself: "she's not cheating, he is just being paranoid" only to be later proven wrong when all of the facts came out. I don't feel that way with your situation.

 

Believe me, I've been there. I would have never in a million years suspected my wife of an EA (emotional affair)....until I caught her.

 

Do some searching! I hope you find nothing, but I don't think that's going to be the case.

[S2B]

Op, have you checked her phone and computer to see if she's been corresponding more with one particular person the past few days?

[salparadise]

I looked at the other thread, and it kinda makes me wonder if she just wants what she wants (or who) and feels some entitlement about it. A married woman doesn't just get drunk and sleep over at a male co-worker's apartment as if it's nothing... not to mention the irrational stuff about parking there, taking Uber to and fro. She could just as easily have taken an Uber home, or called you to pick her up.

 

I really hope it's nothing as far as any involvement with the co-worker, but if this were my wife, esp. given the history, I'd not be looking for ways to rationalize a rug-sweep of the whole episode.

 

At best it was a gross error in judgement that directly undermines trust. There are so many easy, obvious choices she could have made to avoid creating such doubt and appearances. Most people would simply not allow that to happen, for many reasons.

 

I really hope it's nothing more than terrible judgement. Nobody should have to be saddled with such doubts.

[ICEMAN69]

divorce she is cheating. I would never allow that happen to me.

 

Okay, let's disregard this ridiculous advice and move to some more intelligent thinking.

 

My question is how long have you been together and is this a pattern of behavior or something out of the norm?

[ICEMAN69]

Thank's all for the advice and thoughts. She knows my thoughts and does feel bad. Things have been a rocky as of late which just makes this a bit more of a catalyst to being upset.

 

So looking at your comment about "rocky of late" is she unhappy with you to the point where she might want to make you feel jealousy? This type of tactic doesn't necessarily mean she's banging the guy, particularly when you know where he lives. But it could be one of those "I need to get my husband's attention" games and this would be the perfect move on her part.

[ICEMAN69]

questionable decisions leading up to some even more questionable damage control on her part for which there should be no reason if there had been nothing to worry about to begin with.

 

Why would his wife have to even tell him where she was at if she wanted to do this guy? She could have made up a dozen other stories if she was hiding the fact that she was screwing this guy. Doesn't make sense to me. My guess . . she's trying to get you to think and it's probably a jealously move. She wants to see if she can get you to notice her for some reason. Perhaps she doesn't think you notice her enough, or perhaps she feels overlooked or taken for granted. I've been around women who play games and this is right out of their playbook. And before the ladies start berating me, yes . . I'm aware that guys play games as well.

[ICEMAN69]

Before I finished reading the first quote I said to myself: to hammered to drive but is home by 7 am that morning, on 3 hours

sleep. Makes me paranoid.

 

Also no need to go a his house and end up at his house.

She has a car. Makes it so much convenient to drive directly

to the bar then straight home.

 

Maybe she's a lightweight? Maybe "too hammered" for her is 4-5 drinks over 3-4 hours. There are a lot of variables here and a lot of people jumping to conclusions. OP obviously knows his wife and he's not jumping to all these irrational conclusions.