Between a rock and a hard place

[deanmoriarty]

Hey everyone,

 

I’ve been reading a lot of things here and learned some great things. However, now it’s time for me to ask for your advice.

 

My wife and I got married 5 months ago and we have been together for more than 2 years. When we got married, we also moved to a new country, which took a big toll on us and we haven’t been able to stabilize but we are doing better.

 

We usually have great, open communication. We talk about everything and tell each other the things that we don’t like or like. When we fight, we instantly make up by apologizing for the things we’ve done wrong.

 

The problem is that my wife does not have her own thing. For instance, I make music. I used to be really into music. I even have an EP and a music video out. I was doing really well and then we decided to move to another country and I stopped making music because I had to provide for the family. She doesn’t work and she is in school. I also make video games just for fun. Whenever we don’t do stuff together, she doesn’t do anything and she calls the things I do “things that nobody cares and won’t amount to anything.” She fell in love with me because I was doing all those things.

 

She wants me to do all the things that I don’t want to do “all the time.” I like watching movies every once in a while but she likes watching three movies a day. I don’t want to do that and when I tell her that she just freaks out and starts accusing me of being boring. She has her standards about what is fun and what is not and she judges me by those standards.

 

Now the thing is we’re moving to the country she was born in so we could spend more time with her family. She has been away from her family for a long time. I love her family. They are great and we get along perfect. They also love me. Since we don’t have a place there yet we are going to stay at her family’s place but now she acts like we are going to stay there forever. She tells me stuff like: “Once we get there, you won’t be able to do all these things. Grow up.” It is really hurtful and when I tell her that she flips out again and tries to change me.

 

I know it sounds really complicated and that I’m leaving some things out but I am really confused.

 

How do I deal with this? How do I tell her she should stop trying to change me because I fear she is going to flip out again and we are going to have another stupid fight?

Edited January 15, 2018 by deanmoriarty
Spelling

[staggerlee71]

I actually think getting her close to her family is a good thing. She can focus on THAT.

 

She says that the things you do "no one cares about" because she is uncomfortable that you enjoy it, see it as direction and its fulfilling.

 

 

She is unfulfilled. So she is trying to bring you closer by saying and doing the things she does.

 

You cant help her get fulfilled, but empathy goes a long way

 

live your life, do your thing, but try and work to get closer to her. she feels alone, unfulfilled and directionless

[deanmoriarty]

live your life, do your thing, but try and work to get closer to her. she feels alone, unfulfilled and directionless

 

Yeah, thanks. I feel what she is going through even though I can’t exactly feel what she’s going through but I can’t help her find her direction and she has her own standards such as: “My father is very active, you can’t be like him. You can’t sit home all day and do your thing.” She doesn’t understand there are some things that I really don’t want to do all the time and I am more of an introvert.

 

And now I am at a loss as to how I can make her understand and take me as I am. Because she used to love the way I was

Edited January 15, 2018 by deanmoriarty
Spelling

[staggerlee71]

its time to understand how she is. dig deep. its about her and understanding her, not you. Not easy, but fruitful

[healing light]

Don't give up the things that you enjoy. It's unhealthy for a couple to be attached to the hip all the time with no outside hobbies. I would tell her she knew you enjoyed these activities when she met you, it's part of the package deal--you can't just erase your identity to please her, nor should she want you to. Perhaps you can set aside a day during the week where you join her for her hobbies (film watching), and have a day during the week that is dedicated to your pursuits.

 

It also sounds like she's overly focused on you because she doesn't have a full enough life outside of you. I would encourage her to try new things with you to expand her interests. If this doesn't work, realize that you may have a very controlling person on your hands. Not to mention judgmental.

 

I would also revisit your goals with moving out of the parent's place. Don't just sweep that one under the rug. Maybe have a conversation with her about what she intends to do once school is over--what are her plans? What kind of place could the two of you potentially afford together, etc. That sort of thing. Otherwise she may become complacent and you might encounter a lot more resistance if you allow this to go on for several months/years and then bring up moving.

[healing light]

Also, if she tries being manipulative, I would ask her how she felt if the shoe was on the other foot. How would she feel if you said to her watching movies all day was a "thing no one cared about that would amount to nothing?" Not very respectful, is it? Quite dismissive.

 

Your video game making and music video production are SKILLS. They can be turned into an occupational venture if you wanted to. It's a talent that not everyone has. Watching films on your ass all day might be entertaining, but if she's not involved in the movie industry in some way, it IS a go nowhere activity. And she's talking to you about being sedentary? This whole thing just rubs me wrong.

 

I would consider counseling if she's unreceptive to your needs after a few conversations.

[staggerlee71]

Don't turn it to a power struggle

try and see it her way, what she wants, needs etc.

 

welcome to the relationship...its not always about you

 

balance man....find a way to balance this

[preraph]

She sounds like she has little regard for what you want to do. I guess she figures she can keep watching 3 movies a day if she lives with her parents, which is childish. I'd say she's the one who especially needs to grow up and get a job! Both of you need to get out of the house and away from each other and either work or go to school. Otherwise, you're just two people who really have no room to tell the other what to do. If you work and she doesn't she sure can't squawk.

[staggerlee71]

I have to admit, I'm surprised at how the focus is on her, watching three movies a day and how she sucks.

 

instead, why are we not looking to solve the issue. In my experience, the overt behavior is never the problem. the problem is covert.

 

also, wtf, my man cant just be like go f yourself and step up. part of the union is for him to help her be her best self. get to work

[deanmoriarty]

I have to admit, I'm surprised at how the focus is on her, watching three movies a day and how she sucks.

 

instead, why are we not looking to solve the issue. In my experience, the overt behavior is never the problem. the problem is covert.

 

also, wtf, my man cant just be like go f yourself and step up. part of the union is for him to help her be her best self. get to work

 

I definitely agree. I am at a loss and I know there is a problem that is somewhere deep down. I am trying to do my best to solve the problem but I am just asking here if there is an angle I am missing and if you can help me.

 

I am also not here to see and listen that I am right. I appreciate all the advice I am getting. I just want to see different angles that i might be missing.

[staggerlee71]

in my experience, when a significant other is not communicating, it because of fear. fear you will judge, fear you wont love, fear she is weak, FEAR!!

 

find a way to alleviate that. word wont be enough. she need to feel you WANT to know what her beef is.

 

Mars venus man...good luck

[healing light]

I was pointing out that it is hypocritical of her to try to get him to quit his hobbies and say they will "amount to nothing" when she is wasting her life away in front of a TV. I love movies, don't get me wrong. Now, if she wants to do that and he's fine with it, that's their prerogative.

 

But, it sounds like they are in a financial situation which is not allowing for the common pre-discussed goal of having a place of their own. I think a lot of her unhappiness with his activities stems from her not having a full life of her own--why wouldn't this have been a problem before?

 

I offered potential solutions: compromise by having a set day where she has her fun and he joins her, suggesting they try new activities together, having a set day where he does his pursuits, going to counseling, asking her to reflect on how respectful her request is, etc.

 

While being in a relationship means reasonable compromise, it doesn't mean the guy needs to neuter himself and roll over to the woman's every whim--particularly when she is being unreasonable. She is asking him to give up a part of himself that has existed the whole relationship, before she was dating him, by calling him boring and other judgmental things. There is no concrete reason given for why she wants this. Additionally, she is trying to manipulate him and control him with "freak outs" every time he doesn't want to join her in her (excessive, by most people's standards) movie watching. It's one thing to have your own activity and quite another to force someone to partake in it with you every day when you don't even enjoy it. He says that she "doesn't do anything...whenever he doesn't do something with her."

 

I don't expect the original poster to have to live out his days in misery at her parent's house simply because she thinks his activities are boring. Doesn't he have a right to think that joining her for 3 movies a day is boring? Obviously he doesn't derive the same enjoyment that she does from that activity. The way this is presented sounds like she's being quite unreasonable to me.

 

You have the fundamental problem of your wife looking to you for her entertainment, OP. And she doesn't agree on what constitutes fun and isn't motivated to do other activities. So then you have a second problem of her being dismissive of you and your interests entirely, trying to get you not to just reduce your hobby but to cut it off entirely in favor of hers. And a third problem of her changing your base agreement to live outside of her parents house.

 

In this case, I do not think that him accommodating her is the solution.

Edited January 15, 2018 by healing light

[Mr. Lucky]

She tells me stuff like: “Once we get there, you won’t be able to do all these things. Grow up.” It is really hurtful and when I tell her that she flips out again and tries to change me.

 

If you let her manipulate you into giving up things you enjoy and are important to you, you'll only resent her. Look for a middle ground but keep your hobbies.

 

Are there new activities in this new country you could do together? Bike riding, hiking, tennis and other similar couple activities might help bridge the gap.

 

Are you from the US? Where are you moving to?

 

Mr. Lucky

[staggerlee71]

I was pointing out that it is hypocritical of her to try to get him to quit his hobbies and say they will "amount to nothing" when she is wasting her life away in front of a TV. I love movies, don't get me wrong. Now, if she wants to do that and he's fine with it, that's their prerogative.

 

But, it sounds like they are in a financial situation which is not allowing for the common pre-discussed goal of having a place of their own. I think a lot of her unhappiness with his activities stems from her not having a full life of her own--why wouldn't this have been a problem before?

 

I offered potential solutions: compromise by having a set day where she has her fun and he joins her, having a set day where he does his pursuits, going to counseling, asking her to reflect on how respectful her request is, etc.

 

While being in a relationship means reasonable compromise, it doesn't mean the guy needs to neuter himself and roll over to the woman's every whim--particularly when she is being unreasonable. She is asking him to give up a part of himself that has existed the whole relationship, before she was dating him, by calling him boring and other judgmental things. There is no concrete reason given for why she wants this. Additionally, she is trying to manipulate him and control him with "freak outs" every time he doesn't want to join her in her (excessive, by most people's standards) movie watching. It's one thing to have your own activity and quite another to force someone to partake in it with you every day when you don't even enjoy it. He says that she "doesn't do anything...whenever he doesn't do something with her."

 

I don't expect the original poster to have to live out his days in misery at her parent's house simply because she thinks his activities are boring. Doesn't he have a right to think that joining her for 3 movies a day is boring? Obviously he doesn't derive the same enjoyment that she does from that activity. The way this is presented sounds like she's being quite unreasonable to me.

 

You have the fundamental problem of your wife looking to you for her entertainment, OP. And she doesn't agree on what constitutes fun and isn't motivated to do other activities. So then you have a second problem of her being dismissive of you and your interests entirely, trying to get you not to just reduce your hobby but to cut it off entirely in favor of hers. And a third problem of her changing your base agreement to live outside of her parents house.

 

In this case, I do not think that him accommodating her is the solution.

This response is incredibly one sided. See, he doesn't need to neuter himself. give up the things he loves.

 

what he should be doing is try to understand why she is saying the things she is. I mean really, do you really think she wants him to stop doing what he loves???.. NO!! she is saying something else, she cant communicate her need. so she attacks. if OP really wants to be an empathetic partner, truly figure out what the beef is, he will have to ask the right questions, respect she is not where he is emotionally, figure out how to balance it, all the while keep his own interests live.

this is why we have a divorce rate so high. you cant just bully your partner. you have to realize they are not you and also try and find out how you can help them and make them better. t

 

This is not a my way or highway situation. its a emotional balancing act.

 

maybe you should have suggested he punches her in the face and says snap out of it

[Just a Guy]

Hi dean, sorry about your dilemma. I wanted to ask you if the country you moved to after marriage is the one where your wife was born and her family is? If not then are you moving to a third country to be with her family?

 

That said I have to say that from all that you have written, the decision to stay with her family appears to me to be disastrous for you. You said you are an introvert and your wife is already displaying controlling traits. The remark about comparing you to her father is something really insensitive on her part. Apparently she wants to subjugate you to her will and once she is with her family, she will have the moral support to flaunt her power over you. By living with her family you will be living under an obligation to her and will constantly be reminded of it. I'm sorry but you've painted yourself into a corner. Ask the more experienced posters here like Mr. Lucky and Donnivain and others to chime in on your situation. You will get good advice from them. To me it seems that there is a fundamental compatibility problem here. You both may need IC and MC to be able to reconcile the rough edges in your relationship otherwise it is likely to go south very soon. Warm wishes.

[healing light]

Wow, staggerlee, just wow. You're free to disagree with me all you want in how this man wants to solve the problem with his wife, but we are all here trying to help him. That's the end goal.

 

 

 

I mean really, do you really think she wants him to stop doing what he loves???.. NO!!

 

This woman is outright asking him to quit his hobbies. And calling them boring and go nowhere. Yes, given that they've been in multiple arguments over this--I do think she wants exactly what she is asking him to do.

 

you cant just bully your partner. you have to realize they are not you and also try and find out how you can help them and make them better.

 

This woman is bullying her partner when she "freaks out" and throws fits when he expresses that he doesn't want to join her every day watching movies. And then she's verbally chastising him by calling him boring. She needs to realize that she's not the only one who gets to define what's fun, that he's not her.

 

 

This is not a my way or highway situation.

 

I know, it shouldn't be, and that's why the original poster is having problems with his wife. She only wants him to do what she wants to do. She is acting "my way or the highway."

 

maybe you should have suggested he punches her in the face and says snap out of it

 

The only one throwing punches here is you in your response to me. I would never advocate for violence.

[staggerlee71]

I got you healing, I was excessive.

 

she is trying to push him, but he needs to recognize that he is a place of strength, not power.

 

he is happy, he likes his life. she is pressing a negative or toxic idea or vibe. but why?

 

shes directionless, probably feels one down, lesser, not enough.

 

now, he cant directly fix that, but as her partner, it would serve him well to get her in his space, up to speed so to speak.

 

if he cant, then and only then he has a decision. but she is his partner so he should, I would think, work out of his comfort zone to see what she really wants.

 

she wont tell him in words, that's the hard part. she will eventually if he get her safe enough to do so.

 

this is a classic case to me

[deanmoriarty]

Great points. The thing is that my wife is not an incredibly unreasonable person. She tells me that things are not going the way she wanted with this move and she feels like she is losing control over her life. I feel her and I also know that we are not in a situation that we wanted to be in. I am doing everything I can to make her happy. I work a lot and I spend a lot of time with her just because I want to but I also want to have some space and time of my own. Again, I understand how she feels and that it is extremely difficult for her to lose control of her life. I know it is a terrible feeling but the things like “Grow up” and comparing me to other people are demeaning and I am trying my best not to snap because I know it is not going to help. Asking questions and communicating do not lead us anywhere these days because she knows what the problem is and we can’t figure out how to solve them. I usually enjoy spending time with her but there are also things that I love doing on my own and I will keep doing them.

 

Btw we moved from Turkey to Canada. I got a job at the biggest university in Canada as a lecturer and now we are moving to Germany because we were alone here (no family, no close friends). As I mentioned before, I love her family and we get along extremely well. The part I am worried about is that I will be “required” to partake in those activities “all the time.” I don’t mind doing all those things; I enjoy them but I enjoy my kind of activities more. I always have and I always will.

 

And the concrete reason for her wanting me to give up on those things is I believe she does not believe in any of them personally because she has never been interested in them personally.

 

Another thing about living temporarily in her parents’ house is that we have plans to find a place of our own in the shortest amount of time possible and my concern is even if we move out I think I will be forced to do all those extrovert activities ALL THE TIME, EVERY WEEKEND with the family. Don’t get me wrong; I also like those activities and I am not at all an indoorsy dork. Actually, I am always on the move and I love repairing, assembling things, working with my hands—and I can’t stress this enough—but not all the time. And the problem is I don’t know how to tell her this

 

Another good thing is she is open to IC and MC.

[Mr. Lucky]

Btw we moved from Turkey to Canada. I got a job at the biggest university in Canada as a lecturer and now we are moving to Germany because we were alone here (no family, no close friends).

 

Get married and see the world !!!

 

I think you're both jumping the gun attitude-wise. I'd guess you'd find many people in Germany that enjoy the same tech hobbies you do and she'll be busy enough with family she won't have time to monopolize yours.

 

In other words, wait and see...

 

Mr. Lucky