Has anyone here ever told BS?

[Scoutjr]

I go back and forth about telling my DH. Affair is over, but doesn't DH have a right to know?

[oceansaway]

What would you gain by telling....other than revenge? It would be best to take the high road and walk away. Because believe me...eventually they'll be back...they always do. You can get revenge by moving on and finding a more deserving partner

[wmacbride]

I go back and forth about telling my DH. Affair is over, but doesn't DH have a right to know?

 

I am assuming by the acronym DH that you are married and wondering if you should tell your spouse you'd had an affair.

 

If this is the case, I can only tell you my opinion as a bs.

 

If my husband hadn't told me the truth and I had found out in some other way, I couldn't have stayed with him because I could never, ever trust him. Not ever. It would have shown me that, when it was a means to an end, he was fine with lying and I just don't see how a person can rebuild trust based on that.

 

Lying also negates any possible positives that can come from an affair. For example, if your A has ended and you want to work on your marriage, how can you do that with an elephant like this is the room? If you go to counseling, and the counselor asks if there has been any infidelity,will you lie to them as well? How can you do that and not have it eat away at you?

 

Then there's always the risk the om will decide to pop his head in again. If he's married and tells his wife what happened, she may want to contact your bs and spill the beans. If it happens that way, your marriage may well be broken beyond repair.

 

In the end, you have to be able to look at yourself in the mirror everyday. Prolonged dishonesty ( all dishonesty) has a way of poisoning both individuals and relationships. If you can't be honest with your spouse about something as big as this, then what point is there in being married at all?

[Starswillshine]

I sometimes wish I could go back and never know. However, finding out by other ways not by him has been damaging beyond repair.

 

Telling him can help build trust. My WH would have been happy living his life with me never knowing. Happy having me believe all our issues were because of me. Etc. Etc.

 

It may be ok if your husband never finds out, but there is no guarantee. He could be told right at this moment by someone. And then your chance to fix and repair the damage may be over. It's a very risky thing. And I get it is risky saying something as well, but you have a greater chance saving your marriage by being the one to say something to him.

[carhill]

I go back and forth about telling my DH. Affair is over, but doesn't DH have a right to know?

Presuming you mean has anyone who's having or is contemplating an affair told their spouse, then yes, sure, in my case, before I took any overt actions. My exW knew what I was going to do and with whom and that remained consistent throughout.

 

If your affair is over, should you disclose? IDK, can't live in your head. I couldn't live with myself keeping such a betrayal from my spouse but plenty of people do. Plenty of people also never disclose, go on to divorce and no one is the wiser. People do wonder sometimes how a mystery man or woman pops up seemingly out of nowhere long down the road to a relationship or remarriage

 

Good luck with your choice!

[seren]

If you never find out then you don't know there has been an A, so you will have been living a lie. My H told me about his A, it hurt like nothing I have ever experienced and I was shocked. had I found out, I would probably not reconciled. I don't know that I would have thought he was as remorseful as he has shown, mainly because I would have thought well, if I hadn't found out from someone else then how could I know he would have ended it.

 

I don't believe ignorance is bliss, I do, however, believe in the right of anyone and everyone to have informed choice about their life decisions. I also think that it is wrong for a WS to benefit from having a partner who works to contribute to their lifestyle, who stays at home maybe and looks after the children, to take time away from the family and, more importantly to lie to the extent the BS doesn't suspect anything. If a BS doesn't suspect anything is wrong, then the WS is still being who they always were, and that is just so disrespectful.

 

So, I would rather know so I could make an informed choice about my life, to do anything else is manipulative.

[Bittersweetie]

I was a WW. The A ended and I had no intention of telling my H. I was going to focus on my marriage and move forward. Fate had other plans when my doctor called to tell me I had an STD.

 

So I told my H what I did. I am not going to lie; it was the worst day of my life. Seeing the anger and pain and shock in his face, all because of my own hurtful choices. It was the final straw in me realizing the true scope of what I'd done.

 

I agree with other PPs in that your H has a right to know the truth of his life. My H made an important career choice while I was in the A. He moved to be with me not knowing that I was spending time with another man. He said if he had known he would've made a different choice. I took away the truth of his life and the ability to make choices based on his true life.

 

We are still together over 8 years after d-day. After d-day we were very honest with each other about everything (as my H put it, we'd already had the absolute worst conversation of his life, what could be more terrible?). I doubt we would've gotten to the place we are now if I (or he for that matter) had hid things, especially large things like an A.

 

So I advocate for truth. I took my H's truth away from him for a time, that was wrong and unfair and hurtful. The least I could do afterward is tell the truth to him and accept the consequences of my actions.

 

Good luck.

[Sampson]

BH here,

 

I am sure your betrayed spouse already is being affected by your affair. They just don't know what is actually going on or in denial and making excuses. I know I did. And my suspicions of my wayward wife through my denials and excuses caused me to have huge self doubt, low self esteem, and changed the way I treated myself and others. It wasn't until I could not deny it anymore and excuse it that I asked the questions and began to dig and found out. It is just a matter of time. I caught her on affair #3.

 

Some of the not knowing effects that I discovered about myself;

 

I figured she needed space to unwind from work

I felt she didn't find me as funny or entertaining as other men (not true)

I began to hate my own body (no reason)

I kept others from getting to close

I wouldn't argue or stand my ground to avoid losing her

I spent time with the kids to allow her to work out, rest, etc..

I didn't push her as much or try to figure out why she was grumpy

I began to self medicate with my own hobbies and family (wedge)

She began to not want to talk about work, anything for fear of discovery

 

All wedges.

 

Almost 25 years together, 3 kids, 3 affairs, 3 years post discovery, 9 months of lying about 2 of the 3 and hell of trickle truth. Lots of counseling not marriage but individual we are doing better than ever. Discovering the affair and truly coming clean, seeking help for the underlining feels and emotions driving the affair, self discovery, finding a better way to live and treat others especially those you are suppose to love and protect, breaking down the excuses, justification, and minimization mechanisms. Being honest with others and herself. I chose to reconcile and stay.

 

Now she is a different person, honest, happy, and fulfilled, no longer hiding. She is vulnerable, open, and feels safe with others cause she is confident. She no longer allows others to control her emotions or feels the need for validation and attention. The kids are happier with her, she is present, wants to be a part, feels on the inside and not outside now. Realizes that her beautiful body is a gift not a tool. Feels proud of her accomplishments without the need for others to be a cheer leader. Makes her own decisions. And is honest with herself and others.

 

We are doing great, but I won't lie it was painful, tough path. I am still here, we are closer than ever. Three years post d day.

 

I would not be if I didn't think she was absolutely committed to being a different person. Affairs are destructive. Even when you don't know about it as a betrayed.

Edited January 15, 2018 by Sampson

[Scoutjr]

What would you gain by telling....other than revenge? It would be best to take the high road and walk away. Because believe me...eventually they'll be back...they always do. You can get revenge by moving on and finding a more deserving partner

 

No, I wouldn't tell AP's spouse. I'm talking about telling MY husband.

[Cullenbohannon]

I was a WW. The A ended and I had no intention of telling my H. I was going to focus on my marriage and move forward. Fate had other plans when my doctor called to tell me I had an STD.

 

So I told my H what I did. I am not going to lie; it was the worst day of my life. Seeing the anger and pain and shock in his face, all because of my own hurtful choices. It was the final straw in me realizing the true scope of what I'd done.

 

I agree with other PPs in that your H has a right to know the truth of his life. My H made an important career choice while I was in the A. He moved to be with me not knowing that I was spending time with another man. He said if he had known he would've made a different choice. I took away the truth of his life and the ability to make choices based on his true life.

 

We are still together over 8 years after d-day. After d-day we were very honest with each other about everything (as my H put it, we'd already had the absolute worst conversation of his life, what could be more terrible?). I doubt we would've gotten to the place we are now if I (or he for that matter) had hid things, especially large things like an A.

 

So I advocate for truth. I took my H's truth away from him for a time, that was wrong and unfair and hurtful. The least I could do afterward is tell the truth to him and accept the consequences of my actions.

 

Good luck.

 

I have never heard a better reply to the confession question than what this woman just wrote. We hope your husband has removed the bitter and calls you sweetie.

[Cullenbohannon]

STBW. Her confession was immediate as was her decision to divorce. She is 100% sure the decision to divorce was correct. The decision to confess may have been unnecessary.

 

The irony is that if you still love your husband, you will have to tear him apart. If you don't love him, you may not have to.

 

Before you ask the question, you have to decide what you want to do with the answer.

Edited January 16, 2018 by Cullenbohannon

[MidnightBlue1980]

I go back and forth about telling my DH. Affair is over, but doesn't DH have a right to know?

 

It depends on your motive for telling him. If your motive is because you feel that there is something greatly wrong with your marriage and you need him to know how far gone it is so you can either fix it or end it, then yes, tell him. If you don't, nothing will change.

 

If your motive is because you feel that there is something greatly wrong with you, that is different. That is called dumping all your crap on another person because you cannot deal with it alone. Sometimes it brings you closer but sometimes you cause the other person extreme pain because you cannot deal with your pain alone. You need to be ready to deal with his pain.

 

Why did you have an affair? You need to really dig down deep and figure out why. Did you have a mid life crisis? Did you feel bored, unappreciated, getting older and suddenly you felt young, desirable and alive again because someone paid you attention? How are you feeling now? Some people go through something on their own, come out of it, realize how stupid they were and change on their own without wrecking other people's lives. Others can't. The pain from the affair is too great.

 

Telling your H will not magically make you feel better though, you will feel exponentially worse. Sometimes this is unavoidable. A person can get to a point when the secret is too much to bear but you have to be willing to lose it all. Plus your H will most likely contact your xmm and tell his wife. You need to be okay with that, with all the fallout that happens. Including divorce.If he does stay with you, you will probably wish you could get a divorce. Living with someone in that situation is a special kind of torture.

 

In my own life, my H and I know about each others affairs. I do wish that I could unwind the past, it takes years to get through it. Going forward though, I would not want to know. If something should happen, it is not my husband's right to destroy my life, and my kids life, because he has the guilties. It's one thing if you are in love with someone else, that I would want to know, but otherwise, take it to the grave.

[Scoutjr]

It depends on your motive for telling him.

 

I think it's a combination of guilt, and then what others say, that he has a right to know who he is married to. Why did I have an affair? Probably boredom, low self-esteem, not getting intimacy from my husband. Mid-life crisis? Feeling that I was attractive to someone else made me feel good.

[malvern99]

Telling your BS the truth is absolutely the best thing you can do for both of you. Yes, it is a terrifying prospect because once the cat is out the bag, you will no longer be able to control the situation, but such is life. You made choices (which you or may not regret), now in order to move forward, you need to face the consequences of those choices and the only way to do that is through honesty. It's no coincidence that one of the key steps to recovery from addiction is apologizing to those your choices affected negatively. It has to be that way because you can't heal yourself while holding onto secrets like that. Any "progress" made will be false. Good luck to you.

[jjgitties212]

I dont think its such a good idea. I guess if it's really eating away at you and you can't sleep. but as others have said, what do you have to gain? if the affair is over and you got away with it -- good for you. somethings are better left unsaid.

 

I know I personally would not want to know or hear of the details if my wife cheated. (well, maybe I would if I wanted to use it to get out of the M!)

[MuddyFootprints]

Everything is on the table, here. We can talk about anything and everything and we do. There is nothing that we can't or won't discuss around our kitchen table.

 

 

I think we are 5 years out.

 

I read about ..."... " on LS, happens semi-regularly with my family.

 

It is far from easy, but I recommend it. Get help in rl if you need to.

[JustJoe]

No, I wouldn't tell AP's spouse. I'm talking about telling MY husband.

I would tell, if I were you. Let me explain why. Everybody has heard the urban legends about the completely undiscovered affairs. This is almost completely untrue. Affairs almost always come to light, months , even years from now. I have never heard of a documented affair that was PERMANENTLY secret. This is the most wishful of wishful thinking. The old saying applies, "3 people can keep a secret if two of them are dead"

I had an affair with a married woman years ago (we are now married) I always thought it was secret, but I found out that there are so many ways to be discovered, that it boggles the mind. Our affair was discovered by a person who knew me, but who I didn't know. She was the wife of a co-worker, who knew me on sight , but who I had never met. She saw my AP and I together and told her husband, who told the BH. I know a woman who's affair was discovered because she dropped a hotel receipt, which was picked up and given to her BH because his name was on the credit card. A big dramatic D day isn't all you have to worry about, it's the little things that will sink you. Why go through life worrying?

[wmacbride]

I would tell, if I were you. Let me explain why. Everybody has heard the urban legends about the completely undiscovered affairs. This is almost completely untrue. Affairs almost always come to light, months , even years from now. I have never heard of a documented affair that was PERMANENTLY secret. This is the most wishful of wishful thinking. The old saying applies, "3 people can keep a secret if two of them are dead"

I had an affair with a married woman years ago (we are now married) I always thought it was secret, but I found out that there are so many ways to be discovered, that it boggles the mind. Our affair was discovered by a person who knew me, but who I didn't know. She was the wife of a co-worker, who knew me on sight , but who I had never met. She saw my AP and I together and told her husband, who told the BH. I know a woman who's affair was discovered because she dropped a hotel receipt, which was picked up and given to her BH because his name was on the credit card. A big dramatic D day isn't all you have to worry about, it's the little things that will sink you. Why go through life worrying?

 

 

op,

 

Add to this that if your spouse finds out from anyone but you, he may well never, ever be able to trust you again.

 

The assumption that a bs will never find out is pretty naive, especially in this day and age. One drunk text,social media post or call from the ow or om is all that's needed to blow everything up.

[William]

Has anyone here [who's had an affair] ever told your betrayed spouse about the affair? How did that go for you? How did your betrayed spouse respond?

 

There are plenty of other threads to discuss affairs in general or provide opinion on whether one should 'tell' or not. This isn't one of those. It's for present or past affair participants to share their experiences in an honest and forthright way.

 

That's the directive. What happens after my directives is members who ignore them are removed from the forum temporarily or permanently depending on past interactions. I've found that's the only way to give some semblance of compliance with our guidelines here. Unfortunate but that's the way it is.

 

Now, back to the topic!

[Bittersweetie]

I guess if it's really eating away at you and you can't sleep. but as others have said, what do you have to gain?

 

Well I gained nothing in confessing. And the things my H probably gained were things like pain, anger, betrayal. So I don't know if looking at what one gains in confessing is the right persective. It's about doing the right thing after making some really poor and hurtful choices. And if, scout, the right thing means telling your H, great. If it means not telling, that is your call too.

[Scoutjr]

I am meeting with my therapist tomorrow. I will talk with her. I don't think I will "gain" anything. It's not to make me feel better. I am pretty sure he would be devastated.

[DKT3]

Well I gained nothing in confessing. And the things my H probably gained were things like pain, anger, betrayal. So I don't know if looking at what one gains in confessing is the right persective. It's about doing the right thing after making some really poor and hurtful choices. And if, scout, the right thing means telling your H, great. If it means not telling, that is your call too.

 

Keep in mind the confession didn't cause anything, it was your actions that caused your husband pain, anger and betrayal. Confession only gave him the option to accept them and move forward or not. A choice about his life that he deserves to make.

[road]

I am meeting with my therapist tomorrow. I will talk with her. I don't think I will "gain" anything. It's not to make me feel better. I am pretty sure he would be devastated.

 

Keep in mind that most therapists only act and advise what

will in the best interest of their client. When a client hears things

that they do not like they stop seeing that therapist. Therapist

loses money.

 

Also when the therapist gives advice to the WW they do not take in consideration what is best for the BH.

 

Your BH needs the truth. There are so many problems in my life

30+ years later because I never got the truth.

[Sampson]

BH here,

 

As a betrayed husband of my wife's 3 different affairs. I would like to attest to the following.

 

After the initial pain and anger. I now see my wife in a different healthy light. She is human. And her overcoming who she had become, coming clean about everything, changing how she feels about herself, how she treats others. I am so proud of her. Her relationship with me and the kids is night and day. She no longer hides who she is or how she feels. She lives.

 

So after driving a huge stake in my heart. I can say we are going to be better off in the future together because of it.

 

But it started with a clean slate, truth, and solid foundation to build upon. Now she says there is nothing in this world worth risking how happy she is with her life and family.

 

Her main excuse was she told herself she was protecting me by not telling me what happened fully (trickle truth) but in reality she was only protecting herself and taking away my freedom to choose who I wanted to be with for the rest of my life.