New guy + Crying Ex - Whats a girl to do??

[totallyconfused]

who knew i'd be posting in this area ever?

 

so much has happened in just a few short weeks.

 

my ex of 4 years and i broke up mid-July. he cheated on me for 4 months straight through online dating. eventually the 4th month, he actually met the chick and thats when i found out. he was trying to start a relationship with her. i caught him lying to me in so many ways and just completely caught him backstabbing me even when i found out. he still wouldnt completely fess up to it. he played jealousy games with me for an entire month showing pics of him and that girl online and love letters plastered all over the internet.

 

i did the NC deal, went out as much as possible and found myself a nice gentleman to spend time with. 3 weeks into my fling, the ex is crying and begging to come back. long overdue apologies on emails and crying to me on the phone, flowers sent, some more crying, etc. written letters of how we met, etc. i told him he had to change, not just for me but for himself. i tried to help him find God b/c he was an Atheist and that God is the only way to help him heal his guilt. everytime i talk to him, he tells me how horrible he feels about what he had done, but i cant get over it.

 

though spiritually i've forgiven him, i cant seem to forget it. from his love letters, to his intentional cruel actions, to his lies, alot of lies. its like id be asking for it if i took him back, and asking for 20x worse. i do sense some good changes in him, but i know right now i am not ready.

 

but how i miss him. his flexibile personality and his body!!!!!!!!!! we got along so well, it was that 4 year dull that kinda banged us up. i messed up a bit, b/c he messed up a bit...and now he messed up to get back at me sorta. i dont think he wants me back b/c i found somebody, b/c before he knew about the new guy is when he began crying to me.

 

but now what do i do? i have this new guy who wants a relationship with me, wants to practically marry me, whom i do get along with so well. the attraction is there, but at the same time its not. physically there body types are so different, especially personality. this guy is so much cooler. but i looooved my ex's body. gosh i think all i think about is sex. haha but whats a girl to do?? i told the new guy i'd give him a chance, but its so different. (i HAVENT slept with him nor have i messed around that much with him). maybe i am afraid of change? i am truly confused as i want both. i even told the ex about the new guy and that i was going to try to work things out with him. what do i do? i try to be honest, but it doesnt seem like either of them can handle the truth!

 

why is it that guys want a relationship more than girls do nowadays? do i have relationship stamped on my forehead? can i get breather?

 

WTF do i do?

[Opium]

You will never be able to move on until you say goodbye to your ex or give him another try. Even being with the new guy you'll wonder "what if" and it won't work out. You will start to hide your ex from your new guy and it will cause him not to trust you because you're hiding behind his back to talk to your ex. You'll make up excuses to go home early just to talk to your ex and get the comfort you wanted from him and to listen how he's suffering like you did.

 

It's a never ending cycle until you get tired of being treated like shyt. Don't ask what to do, because you know what you want to do, so do it and get it out of your system. The only way you can move on after an ex is if you're completely over them, and it's so clear that you're not.

 

You're still in love with your ex but you don't want to let the new guy down, better let him know that you're not interested so he can move on and not get false hope that one day you'll bet together. Mend your heart and then make a choice. But I will tell you this, if he cheated on you once, he'll do it again.

[sanne]

first of all, i urge you to keep your distance from your ex. he's completely emotional right now and is willing to say and do anything to get you back, but what do you think is going to happen once he has you back?

 

i've been in your shoes, my ex wrote letters and even came to see me and person after she cheated, and I regretfully say that I fell for it. I didn't listen to anybody's advice. Things were great for about two weeks, but then I found out she was lying again and up to her old tricks. Dealing with that pain was just twice as hard, and I wish I had the courage to say no to her.

 

you have that courage, keep up with the NC, and enjoy your time with this nice new GENTLEMAN and forget your ex. your a woman of faith, go find someone who shares your values and morals, you deserve that. best of luck.

[totallyconfused]

sanne, funny u shud mention regret. i am very big when it comes to having no regrets in life.

 

i do feel that if i were to get back together with my ex, eventually the same problems we had before wud resurface. it wud come to no surprise as people do tend to stay the same esp after having known them for four years.

 

i think my biggest regret wud then become, WHAT IF on the new guy. WHAT IF i did have a fantastic time? what if we made sense. what if he does enrich my life. im into him, just unsure/scared of the change. unfamiliar territory.

 

would it be wrong for me to want to/come back to the ex once if i find out the grass aint greener on the other side? would he want me back a few months or a year from now? does it always have to be the whole "wanting what we cant have" deal?

 

i think i answered my own question, but i doubt myself over and over.

 

and does sex really matter?

[Sal Paradise]

and does sex really matter?

 

Yes it matters but you haven't slept with the new guy, you haven't even given the relationship a chance. How do you know he won't please you? Are you basing his ability to please you on the shape of his body? I think you should at least give the guy a chance. You're just assuming he won't satisfy you.

[upsetnhurt]

totally confused,

 

Are you telling me that you can foresee yourself having sex with a guy that has disrespected you in so many ways in the past. LUCKY GUY!

[totallyconfused]

ohhhh why are females so wrapped up in emotions??

 

im feeling the second chances again. it pains me to see what i am clearly doing, giving him a second chance. i havent told him that, but i want to so badly.

 

this new guy, im trying to work things out with him, but this man has no idea of what logical compromise is. he is just so weird and trying to push a relationship on me but not willing to go out of his way for me to hang out and stuff. its really weird. its him that wants the relationship and i keep giving him these chances to build it, but he just keeps on being selfish. PLEASE NOTE: he's never gone down on a girl either even while he was in a 5 year relationship. i know not all men i could be dating will be as illogical and as selfish as him, but it sure makes my ex 20x better.

 

the x sent me a CD of love songs and a written letter of apology. he's also guiltily yet acceptedly agreed to paying off the $4,000 credit card debt i left him with once he cheated on me. (i know its messed up, but eventually i will pay him back slowly but surely, but i wont let him know that yet).

 

i told him if he wanted to impress me, he should write out all the lies he ever told me and forward it to me and the girl he cheated on me with. because i wanted to know the truths and i wanted that girl to know the truth to, it would also help free his guilt too. (2 birds with 1 stone right?). he emailed me a list of lies he had told me (some i had known about, some i hadnt) but he didnt send it to that girl. but he did send a gist of an apology to her about cheating and lying and about how i had no idea wtf was going on.

 

when he cheated on me, he hadnt slept with, he had kissed her and probly messed around. i know i am rationalizing this all out, and trying to make excuses to find a reason to have that comfort back.

 

but its the fact that i miss him, and he seems to be doing the right things to heal and try to make it up. i do see good changes suprisingly and he has come a long way. how far can forgive and forget lead to?? i know there will be alot of baggage between us if we get back together, i just cant tell anymore what is worth it or not? is there rules to second chances? should i expect a huge comeback, an amazement? or does one need to have low expectations with guards high up?

[sanne]

it's all a part of their game. each time you reject them, they step it up a notch. once you give in, you will regret it I promise you that.

[tanbark813]

So basically you're going to give a guy who is a liar and cheater a second chance because he has a nice body. Good luck with that.

 

People don't change. Your ex's grandiose displays of remorse will stop once he has you back.

 

At least cut the new guy loose so he can find someone who will give him a fair shot. You might want to rethink who is the selfish one in this scenario.

[moon]

I wouldn't give your ex a second chance because he totally disrespected you and cheated on you and lied to you and flaunted it in your face. Of course he's sorry. At least he should be. That's really the lowest thing you can do to a significant other. I think he has come to terms with his pathetic behavior and thinks getting you back will make HIM feel all better. So what about him. You would probably only be hurting yourself again if you got back together with him. You have to think about yourself and what it would mean to get back together with him. You know what this guy is capable of. Do you want to see this happen to you again? He's already done it. It's conceivable and quite possible that he'll do this again. I'd keep telling him no. I doubt he's learned enough yet to have really changed. As sad and as horrible as it probably feels at this time, I'd cut this guy lose. Tell him you forgive him, but can't trust him anymore after what he did to you. Then I'd move on from it. Sooner of later you'll probably be very happy with that choice. And if the new dude isn't right cut him lose too....or waste valuable time on a going nowhere relationship. You're in a bad spot right now, but eventually all this will fade from your memory....it always does. Imagine how much worse it'll feel when this cheating man fools you AGAIN.

 

Good luck.