To tell or move on quietly?

[justateach]

My ex and I were together for 4 years. Like all relationships it had highs and lows. We have been broken up for 6 months. Of that 6 months we ranged from still looking out for each other (we partly broke up due to past issues as well as current situations - work, friends had fallen apart for her), not talking to each other, being in a relative casual relationship.

When we were somewhat talking and being friendly we played tag with our emotions, one would need support, then the other would get the wrong idea, get too comfy, then push away because we are just friends ect, repeat that cycle for a bit.

 

Main problem is the hook of just being friends, as suggested by my ex. I understand her reasoning as she has a lot of dramatic changes happening in her life, and due to the short time frame and not ever completely breaking up, we are both somewhat romantically invested, as much as we would like to deny it using those words.

I get that we have 4 years of history and have been each other's rocks as both of us struggle to regularly and deeply connect with our 'friends'. But we have indirectly stated that its just not going to work with our current changes to our individual lives, mainly location. But at the same time, both of us are struggling to put our foot down and move on, in a direct way. For me I think the lack of being direct in saying we are going to do X, and that's it leaves too much open for me.

 

I want to move on as I am slightly more comfortable with this than her. I have enjoyed the times we weren't talking, a sense of freedom. I want to have that freedom again, and not tip toe around moving on, in case it would hurt her feelings (she told me, in tears, that she couldn't handle it if it happened) and think less of me (we both currently respect each other - neutral break up, we don't hate each other).

 

I want to delete her from facebook, I've been good in not checking her profile, but her name still appears on the sidebar/messenger and other parts of facebook. I just don't want her name to pop up on my computer or phone, less of a reminder. But due to our being friends thing, yet not currently talking (assuming, as we just stopped talking), just deleting her with no explanation doesn't seem like its going to do me any favours.

 

Am I being silly in considering the side effects wanting to remove her from facebook?

I feel like the right thing to do would send her a message explaining why and then do it. Or should I just do it, since that's what's best for me?

[stillafool]

The healthy thing for both of you would be to part. Straddling the fence never works because you need to either be in it or out. It may hurt at first but you both will feel better after a while. Go NC but tell her this is what you're going to do.

[d0nnivain]

I would think logic dictates that you remove EXs from all social media. No EX needs that insight into your new life & you don't want to see theirs.

 

No announcement needed.

 

Let's be friends in your situation doesn't mean routine planned interaction. It means civility when you do bump into each other. Disconnect at your discretion.

[primer]

I like that you care about her feelings. I don't see that often.

 

 

That's all . . . .

[Been]

I think you should explain it to her why your going to do it.

And I understand why your doing it.

[justateach]

I think you should explain it to her why your going to do it.

And I understand why your doing it.

Thank you for your understanding.

Dumb question, via a message or in person? Message is enough or too impersonal?

 

I like that you care about her feelings. I don't see that often.

 

That's all . . . .

 

Umm... thanks? Not sure how to take that exactly? Is it wrong to care?

 

I would think logic dictates that you remove EXs from all social media. No EX needs that insight into your new life & you don't want to see theirs.

 

No announcement needed.

 

Let's be friends in your situation doesn't mean routine planned interaction. It means civility when you do bump into each other. Disconnect at your discretion.

 

I know, not there is much to see. We won't be bumping into each other as we now live an hour and a half away from each other, and she has no reason to visit this year.

 

The healthy thing for both of you would be to part. Straddling the fence never works because you need to either be in it or out. It may hurt at first but you both will feel better after a while. Go NC but tell her this is what you're going to do.

 

I know, and I want to. But why do I care if I do it nicely or just quietly let it go? I know part of me wants to end it on good terms, not be seen as that guy that just deleted her from social media and disappeared with no explanation. Ugh this is stupid!