haven't been able to connect with people or move forward

[igotoverit]

I have been stuck. I have a coffee date tomorrow and it's a platonic coffee date with a very kind man who has offerred his assistance in helping me move on.

Up until today, all connections have been brutally painful. A few months ago, I end up with my sons father and that felt great. I was selfish and slept with him ... he's been married since 2010.

It happened once and never again.

 

that wasn't painful but all other connections bring me these flashbacks. Flashbacks of him laughing across a table I am at and I end up beside myself and he's not sitting across from me but someone else.

I met a guy last fall and we spent two months together, maybe three, and each time I slept with him, I just pictured this guy doing it to other women.

Is this even normal? I am in counselling at the moment but have an actual psychologist appointment In march.

any suggestions? Give it to me, even if it's tough love, I'll take it.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

This is the first time I've heard you mention being a mother. How old is your son?

 

What is your actual question? What do you need help with in this thread? It's not super clear.

Edited January 16, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[igotoverit]

You didn't even give it ten minutes......

 

This is the first time I've heard you mention being a mother. How old is your son?

 

What is your actual question? What do you need help with in this thread? It's not super clear.

 

 

Thank you for reading and responding lol.

 

I have a son, a house, I shovel snow lol, i have a job, attend school, a cat.. I mean usually behind these profiles, there is somebody but I don't talk too much about my personal "life" as I do my problems.

I have to move on and I guess I dread the way it's going to make me feel connecting, I guess I should have asked if anyone had experienced this, and how to manage connecting. I was hoping to get some support on being persistent maybe? I don't want to go but I should.

[TheBathWater]

I have been stuck. I have a coffee date tomorrow and it's a platonic coffee date with a very kind man who has offerred his assistance in helping me move on.

Up until today, all connections have been brutally painful. A few months ago, I end up with my sons father and that felt great. I was selfish and slept with him ... he's been married since 2010.

It happened once and never again.

 

that wasn't painful but all other connections bring me these flashbacks. Flashbacks of him laughing across a table I am at and I end up beside myself and he's not sitting across from me but someone else.

I met a guy last fall and we spent two months together, maybe three, and each time I slept with him, I just pictured this guy doing it to other women.

Is this even normal? I am in counselling at the moment but have an actual psychologist appointment In march.

any suggestions? Give it to me, even if it's tough love, I'll take it.

 

You said you're in therapy. What you're describing has a lot in common with PTSD - the thought intrusion, flashbacks, avoidance, emotional numbness, etc... Have you considered this angle with your therapist?

 

We all have different recovery rates from breakups. A lot of it depends not only on the relationship, but what it meant to us, as well as how it fits into our overall family and developmental history.

 

From what you wrote here, it sounds like it's been nearly a decade at this point for you. I imagine sleeping with him when you did really set you back, though you may have felt hopeful in the moment when it happened. That doesn't mean there's something "wrong" with you, but it does mean that you are in significant pain, and you deserve to be understood and have a chance at recovery.

 

I have been in recovery from a breakup for 6 months, but depending how you look at it, I might as well call it 15 months. I experience EXACTLY what you've described, so you're not alone.

 

Please hang in there and look after yourself.

[igotoverit]

You said you're in therapy. What you're describing has a lot in common with PTSD - the thought intrusion, flashbacks, avoidance, emotional numbness, etc... Have you considered this angle with your therapist?

 

We all have different recovery rates from breakups. A lot of it depends not only on the relationship, but what it meant to us, as well as how it fits into our overall family and developmental history.

 

From what you wrote here, it sounds like it's been nearly a decade at this point for you. I imagine sleeping with him when you did really set you back, though you may have felt hopeful in the moment when it happened. That doesn't mean there's something "wrong" with you, but it does mean that you are in significant pain, and you deserve to be understood and have a chance at recovery.

 

I have been in recovery from a breakup for 6 months, but depending how you look at it, I might as well call it 15 months. I experience EXACTLY what you've described, so you're not alone.

 

Please hang in there and look after yourself.

 

this makes sense as a lot of trauma was caused and i was very violated by this person despite my fixation. That could be why I am sufferring with obsessive thoughts and excuse my typing. I am using a tablet and believe it or not, keep up with my parental duties. I was posting while clothes shopping for my son on Saturday!!!

Do you think it's too soon for me to connect. Should I do things and deal with the psycoligst before trying to connect?

 

My sons father is not the j guy. I am very good friends with my sons father and now live closer to him then when I lived near j. When I was with J, I was two provinces away from my sons father. I moved back home for my son.

Edited January 16, 2018 by igotoverit

[Been]

I think your confidence about your self took a lot of damage and now you feel lost like your just drifting without any purpose.

I think you might be also too hard on yourself and that further erodes your confidence which is already low.

Everything you once believed in now you question or don't believe in.

Decisions that you could make easily now you can't - everything is questioned due to you being unsure about yourself.

I think by dwelling on the negative parts of your life you didn't look at the positives in your life- job,house, son etc.

[igotoverit]

I think your confidence about your self took a lot of damage and now you feel lost like your just drifting without any purpose.

I think you might be also too hard on yourself and that further erodes your confidence which is already low.

Everything you once believed in now you question or don't believe in.

Decisions that you could make easily now you can't - everything is questioned due to you being unsure about yourself.

I think by dwelling on the negative parts of your life you didn't look at the positives in your life- job,house, son etc.

 

I got into a lot of crap today because of how lucky I am compared to others. Everything in my life is repairable. I can attend the gym, make new friends etc. I have a 3 bedroom house with my beautiful son. I have an office so I can work from home a lot and I recently switched my courses online to do there too. I can move to a successful life but I mentally am not capable of moving past this. A lot happened and I feel very damaged as a result of this person whom knows how affected i was by this.

Edited January 16, 2018 by igotoverit

[Been]

I think people tend to forget that it is hard mentally to get over things.

And once you start to mentally feel not like yourself its very hard to get back on track.

Its easy for people to point out how fortunate you are but I understand where your coming from- all of those things don't really matter if you can't be yourself.

Have you gone on any casual dates just for fun? Or have you basically kept to yourself?

[igotoverit]

Keep to myself. I am in DBT therapy once a week. I have counseling. I seen a psychiatrist. I have a posologist appointment coming up through the universities mental health studies in my area. It was more affordable as psychologist are expensive in Canada.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I started to do really well and end up going to the gym. It wasn't easy but I pushed myself everyday and then he found out what gym I was going to.

 

 

I was on the phone with my mom and later found out her phone was hacked. I went to the police but they didn't believe me. I started to gather evidence and eventually an officer came on board and the file is still open.

This guy end up being involved and showing up to my gym. He would just gock me and follow me around. He would go over to the water fountain and watch me and it was very obvious by the things these guys posted about me at the gym, that he was involved. I was told if I don't like it block them which ultimately meant leaving my gym.

Since leaving the gym, things kind of went down hill from there and now I don't really go anywhere unless I have to. It's been really lonely.

I went snowboarding and did some activities over the Christmas break but after new years hit, I went down again.

[igotoverit]

I also got this bike. It was two summers ago and I rode it everywhere to get into shape. I wasn't ready for cardio so I grabbed this bike so I can start to build up endurance and it did wonders for me. The J found out I was riding a bike and started to make fun of me sending me all this stuff about does it have a basket and what not.. I should have blocked him but I confronted him and told him that his contact was not helping me since what I felt was not love but an obsession. I expected him to respect that but instead what happened, was a lot of other people joined in. Death by ductape, you can't fix stupid either with ductape, called my dyslexic, said I had Asperger's because I was incapable of growing as a person. That isn't even a quarter of it. That is just a few words of hundreds.

[Been]

You know I had a really bad break up. Don't wish it on anyone. And it damaged my self confidence. My self esteem.

I didn't want her back but I couldn't stop talking about what happened.

And I have great friends who listened to me and it just seemed that no matter what we were talking about I somehow managed to bring up my situation about what happened with my ex.

So I decided I needed to be by myself for a bit for in my opinion I had ceased to be fun to be around. And my friends never said anything- they were very patient and caring- I just thought that they didn't deserve to have to constantly hear about my failed relationship. That I was doing everyone a favor by keeping to myself.

So I would go to work. Go to school and the gym. And that was it. And I didn't talk to anyone.

So I would replay events in my head- why I didn't do this or why she did what she did. Why didn't I see certain things that everyone else had clearly seen etc.

In my opinion choosing to be by myself made it worse.

What you need to do is take baby steps. Go get coffee once a week.

Go walking/running once a week- something that gets you out of the house. Just pick something and do it ONE time a week. Doesn't matter how long you do it just that you do it.

[igotoverit]

It's going to be one hell of a walk out of this.. I am hoping tomorrow I get up and start by making my bed. The best advice I received today was about a man in the military, how they make their bed everyday because it makes them feel accomplished. Now I have made my bed what else can I do. I hope I can get my house cleaned and force myself out of this.. I appreciate everyone's advice.

I can't turn back the clock and moving forward is going to be very difficult or I'd have done it by now.

[maybejune]

I never thought making bed can be a real good thing, I will do that myself and clean my place to spotless.

 

I am reading this article, maybe you will be interested ,

 

https://www.apartmenttherapy.com/10-things-that-will-make-you-happier-at-home-174151

[igotoverit]

I never thought making bed can be a real good thing, I will do that myself and clean my place to spotless.

 

I am reading this article, maybe you will be interested ,

 

https://www.apartmenttherapy.com/10-things-that-will-make-you-happier-at-home-174151

 

thank you. I cleaned my house spottless today as well as lit pumpkin scented candles. I also went for two walks and that was all I could do. I cancelled my coffee date and am in bed. Tomorrow I'll do the rest of the laundry and have asked my son to spend the evening with me for dinner tomorrow and he agreed to.

 

That article is so true. In my case, if he just left me alone, I'd heal.

[maybejune]

Just reminded me I haven't stepped out today, I will do my walking today.

 

If you don't feel fine, don't push yourself to meet anyone, no matter for dating or networking. I am okay with hanging out with friends, but still have difficulty with networking and dating.

 

I remember you said it's good that my ex doesn't contact me, so I can move on. Hmm, I am too stubborn, lol I should thank him on that. It seems like everyone here has their ex coming back or reaching out, except mine, he is so determined to leave me.

 

It's great you have your son to spend time with. Do you read in bed? I tried to listen to a meditation recording last night, it didn't help much, I will give another try today.

 

thank you. I cleaned my house spottless today as well as lit pumpkin scented candles. I also went for two walks and that was all I could do. I cancelled my coffee date and am in bed. Tomorrow I'll do the rest of the laundry and have asked my son to spend the evening with me for dinner tomorrow and he agreed to.

 

That article is so true. In my case, if he just left me alone, I'd heal.

Edited January 17, 2018 by maybejune

[igotoverit]

Just reminded me I haven't stepped out today, I will do my walking today.

 

If you don't feel fine, don't push yourself to meet anyone, no matter for dating or networking. I am okay with hanging out with friends, but still have difficulty with networking and dating.

 

I remember you said it's good that my ex doesn't contact me, so I can move on. Hmm, I am too stubborn, lol I should thank him on that. It seems like everyone here has their ex coming back or reaching out, except mine, he is so determined to leave me.

 

It's great you have your son to spend time with. Do you read in bed? I tried to listen to a meditation recording last night, it didn't help much, I will give another try today.

 

they don't contact for reconciliation, they end up damaging the dumpee more through contact. He doesn't contact me in a nice way, he calls me too ugly for him and really hurts me with his advice. Sometimes advice isn't support. He shows up places I use to cope and interrupts my healing process. He doesn't want to be friends hence why he never acted like one. Your very lucky that he is nc. It hurts because it's rejection but it's much better then the alternative.

[inmyownworld]

It's going to be one hell of a walk out of this.. I am hoping tomorrow I get up and start by making my bed. The best advice I received today was about a man in the military, how they make their bed everyday because it makes them feel accomplished. Now I have made my bed what else can I do. I hope I can get my house cleaned and force myself out of this.. I appreciate everyone's advice.

I can't turn back the clock and moving forward is going to be very difficult or I'd have done it by now.

 

That is so interesting, because I haven't been able to clean my house lately. I never made the connection to how I was feeling. I just thought I was having a lazy moment. I have just been doing the bare minimum to have clean clothes and not be thoroughly disgusting.

[maybejune]

Maybe because I was the 'dumper'. And after BU,

my initial contact to him was to understand why this relationship failed,

and then I started to regret because I didn't know how he thought and he refused to tell me real stuff. I have been living with what ifs and unknown reasons ...

 

I always say wrong things to him. before and after BU.

 

 

they don't contact for reconciliation, they end up damaging the dumpee more through contact. He doesn't contact me in a nice way, he calls me too ugly for him and really hurts me with his advice. Sometimes advice isn't support. He shows up places I use to cope and interrupts my healing process. He doesn't want to be friends hence why he never acted like one. Your very lucky that he is nc. It hurts because it's rejection but it's much better then the alternative.

[igotoverit]

Maybe because I was the 'dumper'. And after BU,

my initial contact to him was to understand why this relationship failed,

and then I started to regret because I didn't know how he thought and he refused to tell me real stuff. I have been living with what ifs and unknown reasons ...

 

Well if he was mature you could always reach out and ask him. Reach out for closure, not to get back together. You know the relationship is over, you just need some closure.

[maybejune]

I didn't want to reconcile at the beginning, I just want closure,

which he didn't give me.

 

Couple months later, when I was out of contact and a close friend avoided me at all cost ( I was always there for her, but she wouldn't reply my text about my hard time dealing with BU and answer my only call to her), I suddenly changed my mind, and I start to want him back.

 

If he gave me the closure, I wouldn't change my mind and nor want him back.

 

It seems like he is not mature either.

 

 

Well if he was mature you could always reach out and ask him. Reach out for closure, not to get back together. You know the relationship is over, you just need some closure.

[igotoverit]

I didn't want to reconcile at the beginning, I just want closure,

which he didn't give me.

 

Couple months later, when I was out of contact and a close friend avoided me at all cost ( I was always there for her, but she wouldn't reply my text about my hard time dealing with BU and answer my only call to her), I suddenly changed my mind, and I start to want him back.

 

If he gave me the closure, I wouldn't change my mind and nor want him back.

 

It seems like he is not mature either.

 

I am in a way, in the same boat. You have to move on with no answers and understand that all of that reflects them and not you.

 

You can't take your girlfriends too serious if they are still acting like they are in high school. strong women empower other women so you don't need those types of girlfriends in your life.

Edited January 17, 2018 by igotoverit

[Been]

I'm glad you were able to do that. The little steps will add up eventually towards bigger things- don't rush yourself you'll know when you're ready.

[igotoverit]

I'm glad you were able to do that. The little steps will add up eventually towards bigger things- don't rush yourself you'll know when you're ready.

 

This is my last post because as great as this site is, it isn't helping me move on. I did learn a lot and the one thing I learned is what a waste of time he is. After what he did to me, I'll never have a drink with him, talk to him, laugh with him, quite frankly I don't think he deserves anyone who will and who knows what the future holds. I personally am going to enjoy being alone for a change.

 

He stole a picture off my sons iPad and posted it on facebook. That's low and every person who partook in this is just as low.

 

Now I didn't turn out the way I wanted to and my life isn't what i expected. I can't say I am going to wake up healed because the walk will take months.

 

But I'm through with that guy and no I don't think he is going to live happily ever after I mean I certainly hope not.

 

I don't want this sick feeling the thought of him brings to me so the only move I know for sure is that im taking a break from LS where I don't have to talk about this guy anymore or any of his friends.

[Beachead]

This is my last post because as great as this site is, it isn't helping me move on. I did learn a lot and the one thing I learned is what a waste of time he is. After what he did to me, I'll never have a drink with him, talk to him, laugh with him, quite frankly I don't think he deserves anyone who will and who knows what the future holds. I personally am going to enjoy being alone for a change.

 

He stole a picture off my sons iPad and posted it on facebook. That's low and every person who partook in this is just as low.

 

Now I didn't turn out the way I wanted to and my life isn't what i expected. I can't say I am going to wake up healed because the walk will take months.

 

But I'm through with that guy and no I don't think he is going to live happily ever after I mean I certainly hope not.

 

I don't want this sick feeling the thought of him brings to me so the only move I know for sure is that im taking a break from LS where I don't have to talk about this guy anymore or any of his friends.

 

I think this is a good move. Definitely don't date. Alone time is crucial. It allows for self-reflection. As you said, expect that it will not be an overnight process. To truly get over this heartbreak and reach a point where you will feel okay to date may take a year or more. Anger, sadness or any kind of emotion you feel about the situation is all normal and you will need to allow yourself to feel it to heal it. It'll be ups and downs so take it one day at a time and remember to treat yourself right..especially during the downs.

 

Goodluck OP

Edited January 18, 2018 by Beachead

[Nadine123]

@beachhead can you please get back to my post. Ive seen some of your replies and they have helped me alot.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/649368-s-time-i-moved-after-worst-experience