lovefool822 Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 Hello. I’m a long time lurker. This site has given me so much perspective and strength by reading everyone’s stories. Thank you all for sharing and baring it all. My story I guess is a typical one. Without boring you with the entire saga, I’ll give you the skinny. I’m a MW and he’s MM. We’ve been involved in a EA for about 2 years. There has been some physical. It’s been nothing but a roller coaster with many chapters in our story. We both have/had zero intentions in changing our situation. Subject has never come up. The love word was tossed around. I think though, I am truly in love with him and that is why I decided to end it. I can’t help sometimes fantasizing about what if things were different. I’ve tried before many times to put an end to it but I can never stay away. I know there is no future and we both have our reasons in why we’re involved with each other to begin with, but it really does have to come to a close. I know this. He knows it. He has a tendency to pull away because of guilt. I also pull away when I have emotional moments because of the dead end situation. We get along great and try to fool ourselves that we could be friends but we’re attracted to each other and round and round we go. Today is day 15 of no contact and it was so hard not to reach out. I decided to sign up and post here instead. I had an email written out and I almost sent it. I’m glad I didn’t. I don’t even know what I’m saying or feelings, just trying really hard not to reach out. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 Stay strong lovefool822. You have half the battle won in knowing that it can't/won't work between the two of you. The longer it goes on the more it hurts and the harder it is to stop. Be proud of yourself for 15 days and just take it day by day, remembering all the reasons you should stay apart. Posting here is a good option to take the edge off. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovefool822 Posted January 16, 2018 Author Share Posted January 16, 2018 Thank you, FMW. I know that the sane thing to do is not look at any of his or his SO social media but she has a picture of them two up and it actually helps because when I get tempted, all I need to do is take a look at it and it reminds me that he has a life and a wife that he loves and I’m just a person that he can compartmentalise and place in a box when he needs to. It doesn’t make me to happy knowing I’m such a low priority and that helps, strangely. Link to post Share on other sites
BigBlueSky Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 I could have written your post. My situation was very similar. Yes, remain NC! That is the only way that you will both be able to heal. Post here when you feel weak. We're here for you. Keep yourself busy, focus on your family and things that you're thankful for. I've been working through my own issues and understanding why it happened. I never intended it to happen, and never thought I'd be capable of doing what I did. You're not alone. I'm sure initiating NC must have been so hard. But good for you for doing it. It will get better. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 Get ahead of it all, get it out in the open and move forward with your life. Not doing so will be a sure way that you are stuck here this time next year, two years, 10 years. So often we have people here making absolutely no progress, that's because they think they can do this on thier own. Addicts rarely have the will or ability to do it alone, so they get stuck, miserable alone. NC is a good step, but only ONE step. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovefool822 Posted January 16, 2018 Author Share Posted January 16, 2018 It really was hard but for some strange reason, it’s been easier this time than before. This site is great as it helps to realize that my story isn’t a unique one. That what him and I have isn’t this magical love connection, something my bored mind let’s me fantasize about occasionally. I had to channel some anger and focus on it. I dug up the worst feelings that I have felt through all this and I’m letting them sit in me rather than excuse them with whatever cute little thing he has said to me. The bittersweet thing about this is that he is stronger than I am and he knows it’s best to stay away so he isn’t tempting me. I feel like I’m the one driving this and it’s ultimately up to me to change the situation. Sigh. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovefool822 Posted January 16, 2018 Author Share Posted January 16, 2018 Thank you, DKT3. That’s the plan. There is much more to the story and with time I will share. There’s a lot that has happened that I have never shared or really even attempted to blantely admit to myself because sometimes these situations make you desperate and irrational. I’m not proud of myself. I just know I have a lot of work to do and as much as I hate to admit it, I really look forward to the day where I don’t feel like a slave waiting to hear from him. Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 (edited) Thank you, DKT3. That’s the plan. There is much more to the story and with time I will share. There’s a lot that has happened that I have never shared or really even attempted to blantely admit to myself because sometimes these situations make you desperate and irrational. I’m not proud of myself. I just know I have a lot of work to do and as much as I hate to admit it, I really look forward to the day where I don’t feel like a slave waiting to hear from him. What about the situation your poor husband is in. He is the one I feel bad for here. His wife betrayed him and she feels she is (in your own words) "truly in love with" another man. Does H even know that he is forced to live a lie? Poor guy, that's all I can say Edited January 16, 2018 by Imajerk17 Link to post Share on other sites
FilterCoffee Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 You got this OP. Stay strong! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovefool822 Posted January 16, 2018 Author Share Posted January 16, 2018 Imajerk- please! You know the smallest fraction of what’s going on in my world so please leave your judgements at the door. I made my bed and I’m the one lying in it, not you. Of course his feelings concern me. Question is, did my feelings concern him when he cheated and lied to me various times? Yeah, it’s best you know the whole story before you start dipping your toes in the moral pool. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 So, what's so great about your marriage that you don't want to change your situation? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovefool822 Posted January 16, 2018 Author Share Posted January 16, 2018 I never said my marriage was great. I for one wouldn’t leave it for someone else. Do I fantasize about running away? Yes. Would I? Don’t have it in me. I have a long history with my husband and I’m guilty of turning a blind eye to his prior behavior. He’s a better man now but it’s the resentment that got me here. I’m trying to deal with it and every single day it’s work. I have tried to get him to admit and apologize for the past but he never has. We’re a toxic pair. He likes to sweep it under the rug and I will hold the rug up. I make zero excuses for what I’ve done and if I was caught, I wouldn’t lie about it either. I take full responsibility for my actions. I’m still trying to figure out whether staying married to him is what I want but marriage sometimes doesn’t allow for that choice. It’s just not that easy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 Sometimes we get so accustomed to the roller coaster that it's all we know and it's something we have to perpetuate. We have to keep the drama alive in our lives. It's exciting. It makes us feel alive. It's our drug. I don't think you want to reconcile with your husband at this point, but this isn't a healthy way to dissolve your marriage. I get resentment. I get rug sweeping. I get the roller coaster of emotions. I get the entitlement and selfishness. I get wanting to run away! Do you have any interest in saving your marriage? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovefool822 Posted January 16, 2018 Author Share Posted January 16, 2018 You might be right on reconciling with my husband. I think about our issues and whether that’s true or not every day. How I fell in love with someone else is a clear indication that I’m checked out. Going no contact with my AP is a step in figuring it out. When we’re in contact, it clouds my judgement and it’s hard to really understand what I really want. Often more times than not, I self admit that I just don’t love my husband the same anymore and I was madly in love with him. He at the time was not with me. He just coexisted in the relationships and got away with a lot of things. It took the affair for me to realize that, sadly. Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 Keep reading, especially the things that make you uncomfortable and react defensively. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovefool822 Posted January 16, 2018 Author Share Posted January 16, 2018 I didn’t realize I reacted defensively, but ok. I’m here to learn. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Grey Cloud Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 You are doing the right thing - sometimes the pain of being in the A becomes greater than NC. You mention that your xMM would feel guilt and is stronger then you in NC as he ultimately knows it’s best to stay away. He sounds very similar to my xMM. Is he happy in his marriage and loves his wife? Was he just in it for something extra and can compartmentalise? That sometimes makes it easier to stay in NC knowing these things. It helps me to keep strong myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovefool822 Posted January 16, 2018 Author Share Posted January 16, 2018 Grey cloud- he’s in a sexless marriage. I know he has been unhappy but he is not the type to leave a marriage for that reason. He ate up every little compliment I would give him so I know he was lacking affection as well or maybe it was just feeding his ego. During the affair, I believed the former but now I choose to believe the latter because it helps. He never lied to me or promised anything. We just shared certain parts of ourselves that helped us get through whatever we were going through in our marriages. You are correct with the pain being less during NC then during. I have moments when I just want to reach out and that’s when it’s pretty intense but once it passes, I feel happy I didn’t and the pain reduces. Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 Grey cloud- he’s in a sexless marriage. I know he has been unhappy but he is not the type to leave a marriage for that reason. He ate up every little compliment I would give him so I know he was lacking affection as well or maybe it was just feeding his ego. During the affair, I believed the former but now I choose to believe the latter because it helps. He never lied to me or promised anything. We just shared certain parts of ourselves that helped us get through whatever we were going through in our marriages. You are correct with the pain being less during NC then during. I have moments when I just want to reach out and that’s when it’s pretty intense but once it passes, I feel happy I didn’t and the pain reduces. While it does happen, the "I'm in a sexless marriage" is right up there with "I've never felt this way before" and "I'm leaving my wife (after the holidays, when the kids are out of school, when she is out of the hospital)". Trust me when I tell you that you cannot believe anything people say in these things. He probably mirrored you to make you feel a connection. It gets better. Stay strong. Remember, he just wants a connection alright, for an hour. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
sunrise_sunset Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 lovefool -- I wrote up a huge post today at work that you can likely relate to (everything from the A and the lack of a future with him, to my marriage with my H) -- I'll post it after this, I just wanted you to know that you are NOT alone. What you're going through...it's common, unfortunately. BUT you are further along in your recovery than I am, so I am following you and hoping that you can remain vigilant! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 His sexless marriage and lack of affection are NOT your problems to fix. Marriages work both ways and there is often a reason for lack of intimacy. You will probably ( hopefully) never know him well enough to understand why. Stop trying to fix him . Poppy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovefool822 Posted January 17, 2018 Author Share Posted January 17, 2018 Poppy, I was never overly concerned with his reasons on why he was in the A to begin with, I just knew he had reasons and I respected them. I never made any attempts to fix him because I had my own set of problems. To be quite honest, when it started, I really just wanted something physical because I was extremely attracted to him and I suppose those reasons didn’t matter at that point. However, as time progressed and the A started to evolve as emotional one, that’s when I started to fall. We knew why we were doing it and we knew each other’s reasons. He never tried pulling the woe is me my wife never gives me sex card so I could. It wasn’t like that. Things just progressed emotionally and we both got in way too deep and the longer we stayed in it, the harder it was to pull away. So here I am doing my best to cut the cord and never look back. Link to post Share on other sites
shypapaya67 Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 Hang in there. I know the feeling it is so hard!!! I'm currently on day 15 of this round of NC. I have no willpower and have failed at MANY previous attempts. I always seem to falter and reach out. But I gotta keep telling myself I need to do this for my own dignity and self respect. All these times if he really really wanted to keep on with it he would reach out which he does not anymore ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovefool822 Posted January 17, 2018 Author Share Posted January 17, 2018 Shypapaya, I have tried myself so many times I lost count. I always had some excuse on why I should reach out but that ever nagging feeling that I shouldn’t was always there, I just chose to ignore it. I know every time I did, I lost some self respect. I know exactly how you feel about him also having the choice to reach out, but he doesn’t. I get it though. He’s stronger than I am and he does know that it’s for the best. And it is, but my mind sometimes fools me into thinking that I can stop the pain by simply reaching out and it’s a quick fix until I start feeling yet again that we can’t continue. I’m determined to stop this cycle. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
shypapaya67 Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 (edited) It also makes me feel worse after each time I break it. I always feel like a stupid idiot and gotta start all over and the feelings about him are stronger after any kind of crumb I might get from it. I still am always checking my phone and feel so disappointed when there is nothing from him. Here's to us getting through this time ! Edited January 17, 2018 by shypapaya67 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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