jah526 Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 JAH - I was feeling like this today, too. So why does he get to walk away unscathed? I was at an industry conference yesterday and his name came up - he is well regarded in his industry - and someone said "Oh yes, I worked with him. We go way back. He's a good guy." I almost spit out my coffee. If they only knew what a piece of **** he is. Hi Scout, Yep, I feel that way a lot... if they only knew. But I know there are a few people who DO know what he's really like. Ok, maybe not to the extent that I do. But he has done some underhanded things to other people that I know who also don't think much of him. The people who think "he's such a great guy" are buying into the image like I did at the beginning. He is a very skilled manipulator. And probably no one knows more about him than his poor wife. I don't understand why I'm still so hung up. Why I still see his car in the lot and if there's variation in his schedule, wonder what he's up to. My mind goes to a lot of scenarios. I know how persistent he is and I know what he wants. Likely he will find someone else. I'm just stuck on not wanting it to be the one person I know he wanted. I guess because not only would he be walking away unscathed, he'd be getting rewarded. I try to reason logically that this woman is not really the type he'd be successful with because she's not "easy prey" like MB mentioned in another thread. But my mind is stuck on the what if? I really need to find a way to stop giving a crap about him or any of this and try to focus on my own self. Why is it so hard? Why am I so hung up on such a rotten person? How long have you been in NC Scout? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
livinglargecj Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 Been following from a similar attempt to stay NC. How do you all deal with NC on birthdays, holidays, or anniversaries? Do you stay strong? Or do you find them as easy excuses that set you back...and justify that it really doesn't mean as much since you would do the same for any old friend...ie a short message? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovefool822 Posted January 25, 2018 Author Share Posted January 25, 2018 Blue sky, I’m ok with the set back. It was a small one considering all the other times I’ve tried and gone back. It was crucial for me that he didn’t reply because I know I can get sucked back in. Truth be told, it’s really not him that persuades me to get caught up, he just has some kind of hold on me so it could be some simple reply that he sends and there goes my resolve out the window. I know this. I recognize this and I’m trying really hard to dig up older feelings that I’ve had in the past that have made me awful while in it to try and stay out of it this time. I’ve been thinking about whether I “truly” love him and questioning whether it’s true or not. He’s never laid down the pick up lines to get me to sleep with him or has put it on to make me feel like a special snow flake. In fact, I feel like I was the one who chased him more than he chased me so if anything, I might have been the one to lay down the pick up lines. Everyone here has a different story and different experiences but I see and get that there is just one ultimate ending. Heartbreak. It goes both ways, male or female. I have never faulted him for any decisions or lack thereof when it came to me because I know they were based on the love he has for his family. I wanted him bad and still do and I’m trying to come to terms on whether these crazy hormones was driving me and blinding me to believe it’s actually love. I’m no spring chicken and I’m pretty grounded to an extent. I’ve seen enough crap in my life to know that everything isn’t rainbows and butterflies. This however, has thrown me for a loop. I know and get what we were doing is wrong and had we got caught, it would have been devastating for everyone. I’m just really trying to get my head out of my butt and trying to look at this from a different perspective. Every single day is a struggle and I feel different about it every day. I know that even if I send one quick little message, that will just suck me back in and that I know from experience so this is what I have resorted to; spilling to internet strangers who have been there, done that and still going through it. You have to do what you have to do to get through it. Period. End of my rambling. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BigBlueSky Posted January 27, 2018 Share Posted January 27, 2018 I really can relate to everything you say. I also get sucked in really easily without much effort on his part. I think that's why it's important for you and I to develop stronger boundaries. Do you find yourself to generally have poor boundaries? I do... I am a people pleaser and don't like to disappoint others. I've been learning how to be ok with that. You seem like you are a very rational and level headed person. I'm the same way, and like you, the whole A had thrown me for a loop too. It's crazy how I knew it was wrong and how much we both struggled constantly while we were in it, which results in he whole push/pull thing. We both have families and knew this was a very bad thing to continue as it would destroy the people we love. Seriously, why would we have even considered such a stupid, destructive thing? But so many of find ourselves in is situation, don't we? Stay strong and keep working on yourself. I think it's important for you and I to develop those strong boundaries and to dig deep. Keep on riding out the times you want to reach out. I know that I need to.... Hope you have a good weekend with your family! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 27, 2018 Share Posted January 27, 2018 Odds are if you had the will power to kick this on your own then you likely never would have been involved in an affair. Therefore the odds of just pushing through is not good. I'm also thinking that you won't be willing to face confession to your husband. So next best thing is finding someone who will hold you accountable, mother, sister, BF who doesn't approve of the behavior. Otherwise you will just keep going back into the affair time and again like so many others here. Do something different, this route is kinda like planning your retirement on winning the lottery. Link to post Share on other sites
Practicallyperfect Posted January 28, 2018 Share Posted January 28, 2018 Lovefool882, stay NC strong! Each day gets a little easier and with that comes strength and peace of mind. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted January 28, 2018 Share Posted January 28, 2018 Odds are if you had the will power to kick this on your own then you likely never would have been involved in an affair. Sometimes when we are at low points in our life we are vulnerable to things we would otherwise have never dreamed we would do, that failure isn't indicative of us as a whole. lovefool882 get help if you need it in helping you to stay strong, there's no shame in that. But don't automatically think you are powerless over this on your own. Taking control and pulling yourself out of your own situation can be very empowering and healing. Our failings, moral or otherwise, do not define us as long as we learn from them and strive to not repeat them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 28, 2018 Share Posted January 28, 2018 Sometimes when we are at low points in our life we are vulnerable to things we would otherwise have never dreamed we would do, that failure isn't indicative of us as a whole. lovefool882 get help if you need it in helping you to stay strong, there's no shame in that. But don't automatically think you are powerless over this on your own. Taking control and pulling yourself out of your own situation can be very empowering and healing. Our failings, moral or otherwise, do not define us as long as we learn from them and strive to not repeat them. Yeah, that sounds good and all, but it's not reality. This is addictive behavior and addicts rarely successfully kick the habit cold turkey or white knuckling through. Poor boundaries, weak mental state and bad decision-making leads to affairs, what's changed? You've always known it was wrong, you've always had feelings of guilt and shame, so what makes this not insanity? You know doing the same thing over and expecting a different outcome. Want different than do something different. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted January 28, 2018 Share Posted January 28, 2018 DKT3, just giving another viewpoint to the OP, not trying to change yours. I appreciate hearing all sides. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OceanBlues132017 Posted January 28, 2018 Share Posted January 28, 2018 I could have written your post. My situation was very similar. I agree. In the same situation I'm the OW who is in an EA with a MM. I'm single and looking, and our situation isn't going in there. I love him. In ways that may or may not be true love, but I do. You're not the only one going through this. It's not somewhere any of us though we would be. If you can stay NC it will be the best situation for you both. You know it's not going anywhere, nothing is going to change. Have the strength to stay away and be positive and live in the now of your life. Best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
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