flakey friend

[ShannonM10]

I am in a bit of a dilemna right now and could really use some advice. So there is a girl I work with who I have recently become close with. We had worked together a few times but it wasnt until the last 2-3 months we started hanging out more and messaging eachother. The thing is, I feel drawn to her for whatever reason, she is about 5 years younger to me and maybe she reminds me of myself, so I have this innate feeling that I want to be close to her. Anyways on new years we all went out, and it was a fun night, but at the end of the night she kind of just dissapeared with her best friend and abandoned me downtown. I was supposed to stay with her and there was no way u would get a cab at that time on new years. I was pissed, made it back to her apartment and called her out on it. I have had prior friendships that have been flaky and ty like that, and it made me feel that way all over again and made me feel very uncomfortable. I knew emotions were heightened cause of drinking but i told her how I felt because I believe in clear communication. She apologized profusely and I told her not to do it again, as I would cut off the friendship.

 

Anyways, everything was fine, put it behind us and I asserted my boundaries and we seemed to be ok. We had made plans about a week or so ago for her to come over this weekend and cook and drink wine. I confirmed on tues and then reconfirmed yesterday when I was at work. She said she would be there, I also invited another friend. After confirming with her I get home and start getting ready. I get a text from her saying she may be a little later and then another one not even 10 min after that saying "I think im gonna stay here if thats ok'. I was pissed to say the least, I had bought 80 dollars worth of booze, food and was cooking...it was 6 at night...I had not made any other plans..and I felt like a fool. I messaged her back saying "if thats what you want to do'. No response..and when my other friend that came had messaged her asking her when she was coming she didnt even respond to that.

 

I mean I get if she was having a good time that she didnt want to leave, but when I make a commitment to someone and things may be up in the air..i TELL them. The fact that she couldnt even respond to me after says alot....I dont want to guilt her but I was really hurt, cause yet again it brought me back to that feeling of those flaky friendships I have had in the past.

 

I guess I am asking if i should just never text her again and if she makes the move then tell her then. Or if I should message her and basically say that I expect mutual respect as I value my friends time and I expect the same in return. And a friendship that is unbalanced like that is not one I want to persue. Am I overreacting>??> It just seems like such a disrespectful thing to do to someone...and then to not even own up to it boggles my mind. I guess shes younger and maybe emotionally immature but seriously??? How do you not think thats a crappy thing to do?? She was so upset thinking I was mad at her last time and then pulls this 2 weeks later?

 

Im sorry for the long read, any advice it appreciated. I have a hard time not giving people chances and thats why i have been hurt in the past and maybe being a little overly sensitive...but at the same time is it better just to go the silent route and let her make the effort?? Thanks again guys

[CC12]

Did you find out why she wasn't coming to your place? There are some circumstances where it's okay to bail on plans. Illness, family issues, emergencies, etc.

[ShannonM10]

She was drinking with her roommates

[CC12]

She was drinking with her roommates

 

Ah. Well, then.

 

I think you've experienced her flaking out on you enough times that you should pretty much just expect it from her from now on. If you ever make plans that involve her, make sure you'll still be able to enjoy your plans if she doesn't show up. Like with your dinner party thing at your house, you still had someone else who came, so it's not like your night was ruined. Try to only plan group activities where it won't really matter if she's there or not. Or if you do plan a one-on-one thing with her, plan something else to do with your time in case she flakes - something fun or nice for yourself, or complete a project or chore that you've been neglecting.

 

Orrrr...if you don't want to put that much production into making plans with a friend, or you can't bring yourself to not get upset when she flakes, then just don't hang out with her anymore.

[MsJayne]

You're at the bottom of the priority list with this girl, but don't let it get to you. Just accept that she's unreliable and don't put yourself in that position again. She's a casual, spur-of-the-moment friend, and if it's convenient to her and she's got no better offers she'll give you her time. Personally I wouldn't bother with her. Possibly, depending on how annoyed I was, I might arrange to meet her somewhere in public and then just leave her sitting there like a dweeb on her own staring at her 'phone, but someone's really gotta p*ss me off with their bad manners before I'll stoop to payback.

I find these days that a lot of people don't know what commonly accepted social rules are, they truly don't understand why it's unspeakably rude to say you'll be somewhere and then flake out at the last minute or just not turn up at all.

Flick her off and find someone with manners to hang out with.

[Arieswoman]

ShannonM10

 

at the end of the night she kind of just dissapeared with her best friend and abandoned me downtown.

 

^^^ that should have told you loud and clear that she's not that bothered about you of being frinds with you.

 

You made a mistake giving her another chance

 

You don't need friends like this.

 

Next !

[Popsicle]

I have a couple of flakey friends like this. One of them is my oldest friend in the area. You have to put them in their appropriate place on the priority ladder and lower their value in your mind as a friend. You also have to learn to fully accept their flakiness and plan accordingly. With mine, I never plan anything with them, whatever we do always has to be last minute plans. I also never put up any money for them, never inconvenience myself or put myself in a situation where they may leave me stranded or abandoned somewhere by myself without transportation or whatever. i.e. I always drive. If you learn to accept the truth of them then you can protect yourself and things go smoother. Just keep everything last minute (i.e. literally not more than an hour in advance). They are not offended by this either because they know how they are. Then you can have a happy friendship with a buddy you just hang out with from time to time.

[sdraw108]

I have a couple of flakey friends like this. One of them is my oldest friend in the area. You have to put them in their appropriate place on the priority ladder and lower their value in your mind as a friend. You also have to learn to fully accept their flakiness and plan accordingly. With mine, I never plan anything with them, whatever we do always has to be last minute plans. I also never put up any money for them, never inconvenience myself or put myself in a situation where they may leave me stranded or abandoned somewhere by myself without transportation or whatever. i.e. I always drive. If you learn to accept the truth of them then you can protect yourself and things go smoother. Just keep everything last minute (i.e. literally not more than an hour in advance). They are not offended by this either because they know how they are. Then you can have a happy friendship with a buddy you just hang out with from time to time.

 

This is the best answer. My philosophy with friendships is that you get different things from different friends, and you shouldn't expect perfection. One person's flaw might be flakiness but they might provide other good qualities. As long as you know and accept the flaws (and can work around them), then you can still enjoy the positive aspects of the friendship.

 

I generally never advise people to cut off a friendship unless (a) there is nothing positive in it and/or (b) the negatives cannot be avoided or mitigated.

[stillafool]

This girl is younger than you and probably wants to hang out with people her age or has her own friends outside of work. I wouldn't invite her to anything else. If she wants your company let her invite you and even then I'm not sure I'd go.

[preraph]

I don't even think it's about age. My best friend is like 10 years younger than me. I think it's about sh isn't that interested in staying friends with you. I think you shouldn't say one more word to her and just be polite at work and just totally dump her and never invite her to do anything again. I can't make the call on NY because I don't know if you invited yourself to stay at her place or if she agreed to transport you, but I can make the call on this dinner. You invited her ahead of time, and I assume she said "Yes, I'll come." If not, then you shouldn't have gone forward with it. If she said she was coming and then backed out at the last minute, that was just rude and it's very clear she is not very interested in being friends with you because her actions say it loud and clear. I don't know why you're drawn to her, but don't be. Get over it and leave her far behind. She's not worth it.