Ignoring/Ghosting

[MeadowFlower]

Do you think it's right that people ignore you? Even if they aren't interested in you, can't they nicely tell you.

[d0nnivain]

No I think it's wrong. It's kinder because it's more definitive to say No Thank you.

 

 

Unfortunately, the people receiving that bad news tend to demand explanations, then beg, & plead they will change making the person who wants out more uncomfortable. It's never enjoyable to hurt somebody's feelings.

 

 

Ghosting is the path of least resistance & in this era where people have diminishing social skills because they hide behind devices, it's easier on the dumper.

[stillafool]

Do you think it's right that people ignore you? Even if they aren't interested in you, can't they nicely tell you.

 

It is uncomfortable for some people to tell others to their face that they are not interested and that is why they ignore/ghost hoping you will get the message. When someone ignores and ghosts on you don't pursue just know it means they don't want you.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I experienced someone ghosting on me this year. This is my first time it happened and honestly it’s one of the worst things someone can do to you. I had 5-6 weeks of what seemed to be a start of a promising relationship. We talked every day, saw each other often and had great sex. The one day, the last day I saw him, he was a bit distant. I thought I was overthinking. He said that he will see me very soon as we kept kissing good bye. The next day, he didn’t contact me. On day 2, I tried to text him. I suddenly found out that he blocked me on all social media and the phone. I didn’t even get “this is not working out”. The total disrespect for me was much harder to take than the ending.

 

Over the next week or 2, I tried to text him in the hope that he ublocked me. I obviously could have texted from a different number or a new social media account but I doubt I would have gotten a response. It’s been a few months now and I never heard from him again.

 

I have dated a lot but this has been the most confusing and weird experience yet.

[LilySun]

I experienced someone ghosting on me this year. This is my first time it happened and honestly it’s one of the worst things someone can do to you. I had 5-6 weeks of what seemed to be a start of a promising relationship. We talked every day, saw each other often and had great sex. The one day, the last day I saw him, he was a bit distant. I thought I was overthinking. He said that he will see me very soon as we kept kissing good bye. The next day, he didn’t contact me. On day 2, I tried to text him. I suddenly found out that he blocked me on all social media and the phone. I didn’t even get “this is not working out”. The total disrespect for me was much harder to take than the ending.

 

Over the next week or 2, I tried to text him in the hope that he ublocked me. I obviously could have texted from a different number or a new social media account but I doubt I would have gotten a response. It’s been a few months now and I never heard from him again.

 

I have dated a lot but this has been the most confusing and weird experience yet.

 

I would be outraged. That is so rude and ignorant. I would have found a way to chew him out for this. You are handling it much better than I would.

Ghosting is the new dumping. Now if there is just one or two dates and you're ghosted, it's not a very big deal and easy to move on for the most part. But to so this when it's a relationship in progress that's going fine... Completely disrespectful. In that case, any decent person with any maturity needs to suit it up and explain themselves. On the other hand, a person who can't even do that is a chump you don't want anyway.

[igotoverit]

One of the lowest forms of communication and as far as I am concerned, shows lack of maturity on the ghosters end. I've been ignored and ghosted and it is a painful experience. It left me with rejection, self doubt, questions all the way around. It felt so unfair. Had the person just come out and communicated with me directly, I feel as thouth I could have moved on quicker and it would have been less painful. This is a great post. I am sure it will catch a lot of responses and I'd be interested to read them.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Ghosting is only appropriate/justified if you've already communicated clearly your lack of interest and the person continues to bug you/berate you for not being interested in them. Otherwise it is just so incredibly rude. I don't think I've ever had it happen to me, and I know I've never done it to anyone.

[todreaminblue]

when i was younger i used to ghost .....i would actually run from guys and hide..avoid all contact...i had a problem saying no.....and what i found is that it made the guys more determined and they became stalkerish ...predators....and agressively pursued me....

 

 

as i matured i got better at saying no ...i am still not good with no and hurting guys..... but i realised the easiest thing for me to do by them was my honesty if i didn't feel we were suitable for each other....or if i am seeing someone its really easy to say hey im with someone sorry....

 

i actually chose that option when i was younger to stop certain guys chasing me ...they were full on...i got sick of running and hiding all the time.......so i went out with a martial artist who was not so aggressive in chasing me.... and they left me alone ....he worked for these guys.....one of their best workers....one of them said to him one day hey you got any pull on how to get her you hang around her a bit ....ive been trying to get that ass for months....and my ex said to that guy...nah man deb is mine i have been dating her a while now....lol shocked the crap out of the guy....and he left me alone........it was like a competition for these guys it seemed they all worked together....anyway

 

i have since learned i have to be able to =communicate no......in a nice way...and i do ...i blame it all on me......i dont go out with a guy to stop other guys from trying..and ill be honest....and i wont ghost...i think ghosting someone is immature .......for me when i was young it was self protection.....i felt really vulnerable...as i aged ...i got a rottweiler....my rotties were my no..:0(..they gave me confidence when i didnt feel it ro had high anxiety......i lost my xena warrior princess late last year.....i havent got another companion animal and i feel a bit vulnerable....... i still feel vulnerable and will feel vulnerable when guys get nasty when i say no.....but it is right for me to be honest and simply tell them we arent suitable....im not the right woman for you....

 

 

i know how it feel to ghost someone and why i used too ghost...........there are reasons people ghost.and sometimes it isnt to hurt another...its the opposite...and i think its easiest ...to just let them ghost not to get too upset and take it personally.... then to try not to dwell on the reasons why they ghosted ..i do understand ghosting is a no anyway...ghosting may not be the nutella of no's ...but its still a no..and tastes the same..you go no contact and move on.......deb

Edited January 17, 2018 by todreaminblue

[jjgitties212]

Is it right or wrong? Are we to judge. People do the things they do and they find ways to justify their actions. I think it's important to not dwell on it and pickup the subtle or obvious hints and move on.

 

It's the way some people in modern society communicate. They decide not to deal with it or overly communicate.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I would be outraged. That is so rude and ignorant. I would have found a way to chew him out for this. You are handling it much better than I would.

Ghosting is the new dumping. Now if there is just one or two dates and you're ghosted, it's not a very big deal and easy to move on for the most part. But to so this when it's a relationship in progress that's going fine... Completely disrespectful. In that case, any decent person with any maturity needs to suit it up and explain themselves. On the other hand, a person who can't even do that is a chump you don't want anyway.

 

To be honest, it really distressed me despite 6 weeks not being a long time. This guy appeared super into me. He texted me all day, every day. He made so many promises for the future and constantly told me how he told all his co-workers and family about me. I spent many nights at his house. He took me on romantic dates, there was no sign of him being lukewarm. And then he just switched it off without a warning or a word. WTF. Very traumatic. Even a single text would do.

 

That experience has left even more wary and anxious about dating...just can't be bothered anymore.

[No_Go]

Do you think it's right that people ignore you? Even if they aren't interested in you, can't they nicely tell you.

 

The good boy/good girl syndrome. They just don't want to appear bad and that's why they are provoking you to do the dirty work - i.e. initiating contact less and less in attempt to make you 'get the hint' and break it off yourself. This is at least valid for the faders.

 

Ghosters ... I guess are extreme faders, again very conflict avoidant, but also having some sociopathic tendencies, i.e. putting their well being above everything... And not even bothering to wait for you to get the hint 'naturally'.

 

Maybe the only *sort of* acceptable fading is the one that happens just due to loss of attention because of multidating, not that it is better but at least is not intentional...

[No_Go]

To be honest, it really distressed me despite 6 weeks not being a long time. This guy appeared super into me. He texted me all day, every day. He made so many promises for the future and constantly told me how he told all his co-workers and family about me. I spent many nights at his house. He took me on romantic dates, there was no sign of him being lukewarm. And then he just switched it off without a warning or a word. WTF. Very traumatic. Even a single text would do.

 

That experience has left even more wary and anxious about dating...just can't be bothered anymore.

 

This is actually a pretty shocking story. Six weeks of daily contact is NOT a short time... I think something very serious was up, my guess is he was in another relationship while dating you and got caught.

 

But that is a VERY extreme case, the chance to have this happen again with another person I think is very minor...

[Sbla22]

I have been ghosted a few times. Usually after only one date which is always kind of expected - sometimes you just know it wouldn't go further.

 

The only ghosting that was really bad for me was this girl I met online - we went on 4 dates - she seemed interested then just ghosted, never heard from again. 4 dates seemed too many to do that IMO and I would never do that other way round.

 

People just aren't honest - especially in the online dating world. It's like you're a commodity sometimes - sold on or dropped when the consumer gets a little bored or buys a nee product.

[Eternal Sunshine]

This is actually a pretty shocking story. Six weeks of daily contact is NOT a short time... I think something very serious was up, my guess is he was in another relationship while dating you and got caught.

 

But that is a VERY extreme case, the chance to have this happen again with another person I think is very minor...

 

I hope so. This is so far out of the ordinary ups and downs of dating that I felt nauseated when I discovered I was just blocked like that. Every time I remembered what happened I just got angry again.

 

I couldn't take the "high road" anymore so today (2-3 months after it happened) I sent him a FB message from an alternative account. I just told him how wrong and cruel it is to treat people like that and something about "what goes around, comes around", without even signing my name.

 

5 minutes later I got a couple of texts from his number on my phone. My guess was that he got scared because I know where he lives and was trying to do damage control so that his gf/wife or whatever doesn't find out. My best guess is that he was in another relationship.

 

I deleted the texts without reading them. What's the point? Probably some lies or fake apology. I just feel better that I sent that message.

[Cookiesandough]

To me, ghosting is a clear signal the person is not into you. I will not for the life of me understand the ambiguity about a person purposefully avoiding contact with you and how that gets mixed up with interest somehow, but denial is a strong medicine. Of course, knowing them well does change things. If you've been dating for awhile I think you do owe an explanation. But after a few dates, no one should be that emotionally dependent on you that it kills them to not hear from you again imo.

 

I would much rather have someone ghost. People often say they would rather be told, but in my experience things have been way better when I've blocked. But with my block no one really can I have not received their messages, so it looks no different on their end than just not being answered. With 'confronting' them, only 1 person in all of the dates I have ever been on in my life didn't try to "argue" with me about it(I include "can I ask why?" under this umbrella), but then again I told them clearly why and said I'd get in touch later.

 

So yeah, I guess 1 person has just let it die a silent death, so have usually ended up blocking them too. Usually it is a drag out 'argument', guilt trip, and/or rationalization that's straight up awkward. People just want answers, I get it, but it's so awkward. The worst case scenario has been passive aggressive threats causing me extreme fear for several months that still occasionally visits to this day.

 

I don't have a great deal of lifetime dating experience like some people, but with my sample I have come to telling someone upfront when I'm not interested something I painfully dread though I've started doing it more frequently. I have no question why people do the avoidance strategy. I would have no disrespect for them if they do it to me I'd completely understand.

Edited January 19, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[nospam99]

To me, it's a personal integrity thing. On the one hand, I DO ignore unsolicited OLD messages. I could send a 'not interested' reply but in those situations I don't because there is no interpersonal connection to politely shut down. And, to be fair, I've only had less than half a dozen romantic relationships in my life where it was appropriate to explicitly communicate to acknowledge 'it's over'. I always did. The ladies in question were never ghosted. I intend and hope to never be so, to my mind, 'cold' that I ghost someone in the future.

[Imajerk17]

WHAT THE

 

With all due respect @cookies, you should NOT consider the way you handle dating situations to be the model of how others should act.

 

Your way of handling things is easiest, for YOU. It enables you to deny/not deal with the confusion your behaviour causes other people because you don't really care about that. But it's not the right way.

 

 

 

To me, ghosting is a clear signal the person is not into you. I will not for the life of me understand the ambiguity about a person purposefully avoiding contact with you and how that gets mixed up with interest somehow, but denial is a strong medicine. Of course, knowing them well does change things. If you've been dating for awhile I think you do owe an explanation. But after a few dates, no one should be that emotionally dependent on you that it kills them to not hear from you again imo.

 

I would much rather have someone ghost. People often say they would rather be told, but in my experience things have been way better when I've blocked. But with my block no one really can I have not received their messages, so it looks no different on their end than just not being answered. With 'confronting' them, only 1 person in all of the dates I have ever been on in my life didn't try to "argue" with me about it(I include "can I ask why?" under this umbrella), but then again I told them clearly why and said I'd get in touch later.

 

So yeah, I guess 1 person has just let it die a silent death, so have usually ended up blocking them too. Usually it is a drag out 'argument', guilt trip, and/or rationalization that's straight up awkward. People just want answers, I get it, but it's so awkward. The worst case scenario has been passive aggressive threats causing me extreme fear for several months that still occasionally visits to this day.

 

I don't have a great deal of lifetime dating experience like some people, but with my sample I have come to telling someone upfront when I'm not interested something I painfully dread though I've started doing it more frequently. I have no question why people do the avoidance strategy. I would have no disrespect for them if they do it to me I'd completely understand.

[No_Go]

I just told him how wrong and cruel it is to treat people like that and something about "what goes around, comes around", without even signing my name. His reaction to this makes me even more convinced he has a gf/wife and is mortified that she may catch him. I can only imagine how many people he f*ck&ghosts and feel sorry for her

 

I hope so. This is so far out of the ordinary ups and downs of dating that I felt nauseated when I discovered I was just blocked like that. Every time I remembered what happened I just got angry again.

 

I couldn't take the "high road" anymore so today (2-3 months after it happened) I sent him a FB message from an alternative account. I just told him how wrong and cruel it is to treat people like that and something about "what goes around, comes around", without even signing my name.

 

5 minutes later I got a couple of texts from his number on my phone. My guess was that he got scared because I know where he lives and was trying to do damage control so that his gf/wife or whatever doesn't find out. My best guess is that he was in another relationship.

 

I deleted the texts without reading them. What's the point? Probably some lies or fake apology. I just feel better that I sent that message.

[CptInsano]

Do you think it's right that people ignore you? Even if they aren't interested in you, can't they nicely tell you.

 

I think the term ghosting is a bit overused. I believe it is not:

 

- Breaking contact after a first date,

- Going silent if the other person doesn't accept the reasons for a break up.

- Not keeping a relationship alive that has run its course.

 

Sometimes you reach a point where it makes no sense to continue communicating, and somebody has to stop.

 

Actual ghosting, as being in a relationship that seems to be going well, leaving suddenly and without having a talk has never happened to me. I have also not left somebody without a clear indication that something was wrong.

 

But yes, I have stopped communicating with women who wouldn't accept my reasons. I don't think there is a way to nicely break up with somebody, there really isn't.

[Shanex]

Its true, the term is overused. You don't owe some guy or gal an explanation after a failed first date. Most of the time, if I'm not being outright rejected, the lady suggest the friendzone, or just don't reply anymore. In either situation I move on, I'm literally accustomed to this and it doesn't bother me, or hurt me anymore.

 

There are never happy breakups, but I have never been forever ignored or ghosted on after a relationship of at least a couple months. You just don't do that, if you lack the courage to have a chitchat in person, a text or a call to break up seem acceptable, just not to fade away for no reason.