Long distance relationship... how do I make it work?

[caffeLover29]

My girlfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for a good 7 months now. It’s been going well but the ups and downs are also present. There are moments when it’s unbearable since we sometimes miss each other and the physical needs are always a problem. I can definitely say that our relationship is worth fighting for... but on times when we fight, it’s hard to make up with each other due to the distance. I really need some moral support or advice on how we can make things work between us.

 

I met Gina through a singles tour held in Cebu, Philippines by A Foreign Affair. It was love at first sight. Things went well between us and the chemistry is great. I’ve decided to stay for a couple of months to get to know her better (her family and friends included.) It was a huge jump from the ordinary but I’m glad I did it.

 

The fact that I need to come back to the U.S. because of my business that we are stuck with long distance at the moment. We haven’t talked about marriage since I think it’s still too soon to consider it… so, long distance will be our biggest obstacle for the meantime.

 

I’d really appreciate it if you guys can give me advice or suggestion on how I can keep our relationship stay, if not smoothly, well. I’d also like to ask for advice on how to keep the spark between us to stay alive in this distance. Please, give me advice.

[Chilli]

Most people round here seem to hate them for all those reasons but l was in one for a long time, longgggg distance.

Sadly we couldn't solve moving issues and there was other stuff but two of my nephews are both married to girls in different countries 7, 8 yrs now.

Both are still country hopping but they have plans to move and whatnot.

1 of them even have kids.

 

lf you really love each other you gotta just country hop and get creative and do the best you can until one can move.

Same with everything else.

 

Good luck anyway.

[d0nnivain]

I am no fan of a Foreign Affair. It seems like a mail order bride business to me, where some company takes money from lonely desperate guys to enable women to get out of poverty.

 

 

That said, you make an LDR work by staying in touch. I kept a bicoastal one (NY to LA) alive for 2 years when all we had was snail mail & 1 long distance phone call once per week. You have a myriad of other options. Avail yourself of them, especial things like Skype or FaceTime.

 

 

One trick my EX & I used was whenever one of us would do something unusual we'd send the other a little trinket / souvenir.

 

 

Make a plan to see your sweetie again as soon as possible. Maintain regular visits while you are dealing with all the immigration issues. Also reach out for AFA. They have to have some suggestions.

[drakon12]

I don't know about you and your situation, but I do have 2 friends who lived a similar situation. They were from different countries. They fell in love and they made it work somehow. I think the important thing is to spend time together even though all circumstances. They'd take vacations together and they'd see each other face to face every couple months, at least for a week. They lived together when the dude was doing his masters for a couple months. Now they are happily married. But boy they worked hard for it.

[central]

Frequent contact, chat, Skype, etc. Share feelings and learn about each other, your past histories and family, etc., to build knowledge and intimacy. Discuss what you want in the future, and how you'd create it, etc.

 

IMO, few LDRs are worth it, and most don't work out. I've been in a few, myself, and they are very hard. The only ones that worked were shorter distance - less than 200 miles - so we could see each other most weekends.

 

For greater distances, I suggest a non-exclusive relationship. Of course, that may not be fair or equitable, unless you both have similar ability to date others. And, either of you could meet someone local and pursue that person instead - but, that's the risk you'd take. Frankly, it is almost always better to find someone more local. If the relationship persists anyway, that's a very good sign. If it doesn't, oh well!

[justwhoiam]

Hi caffeLover29,

 

Welcome to the LS community.

 

My girlfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for a good 7 months now.

It's nothing, let me tell you.

 

It’s been going well but the ups and downs are also present.

Ups and downs are present in most LDRs. I'm not sure if that can console you, as it's not just you.

 

There are moments when it’s unbearable

It's 7 months. Can you picture 5/6 years of what you've gone through or possibly much much more in terms of s-it? You have no idea what other couples have to endure. Also, please, put things in perspective. In the end, that's just logisistics. Nothing compared to health problems or serious matters that can't be humanly solved.

 

the physical needs are always a problem

I hear you. Nothing can really replace intimacy in person, but having some intimate time just for you two while being far away from each other, through Skype or other supposedly secure means, is advisable, not to lose the spark, keep up attraction and desire, to unwind and relieve stress. For me it's a must inbetween visits. When that's missing, stress gets out of proportion. But I must say that I happened to wait more than just two months for the next visit, so that's more to endure for us.

But our last time together in person, for instance, was like 2 months ago. Unfortunately, for a number of reasons, we had ZERO intimate time since then, and it feels like a year now since we last met. It's difficult to explain, just take it at face value.

 

I really need some moral support or advice on how we can make things work between us.

Quite likely, every LDR is different from another, though many have things in common. I already suggested something to deal with the lack of in-person intimacy. Other suggestions I can give you are:

 

- Try to set up something special now and then, surprise her with something nice: routine can kill the magic; please note that this is especially valid for girls/women, as men seem not to have a problem with that, actually they usually embrace routine, so many guys find themselves with a hot potato in their hands all of a sudden, unknowingly.

 

- Have a place the other can resort to, when they can't reach out to you (this is especially valid for couples who also have to deal with very different schedules, or have some noticeable time difference): it could be cloud space where you upload pictures, letters, videos, etc. that can be accessed any time, or a diary like Penzu, some have a blog together with all their memories, vacations (personally, I don't like that, as it can become more of a job, and remember, it's not something meant to stress you out, rather to relieve stress and make you feel nearer).

 

- Warn her in advance when some possible s-it is going to hit the fan, like you won't be available at night for two weeks in a row, for whatever reason, or if you're unsure you'll have a steady connection where you're at. Whatever it is, by announcing it and talking about it, you won't leave her in the dark thinking the worst, undermining the relationship.

 

- Last but not least, remember: you need to have some fun with her now and then. Missing that light ingredient is a sure cause for stress and strain. So always keep that in mind.

 

We haven’t talked about marriage since I think it’s still too soon to consider it

Wise decision. Also, don't underestimate the reasons why she might get attached to you. It might well be not love, rather affection, for someone who can make your life better. But love and passion are something else. Unfortunately, when you turn to poor countries to pick up a woman, you need to keep that in mind. She might be grateful to you or not. Culture can play an important role in that too. A woman might just use you. So you are facing additional risk embarking in such a relationship. Just be aware.

AFA doesn't run background checks about the ladies in their databases. All their tours are in third world countries aka poor countries. It's all over the internet that the ladies invited to their "socials" get paid, and many of them join socials and events organized by other dating companies too. They are usually offered the taxi ride to the event, and basically get advantage of free refreshments, drinks and buffets. It's not unusual to find hookers there, it's just that the men don't know about that. It's very likely that all the girls invited are in their 20s, and the men "touring" are middle-aged. You get the dynamics. Many of the girls have profiles on other dating websites, so it's like a business. Watch out for requests of money, that's a pretty clear sign of what the woman wants from you.

 

I’d also like to ask for advice on how to keep the spark between us to stay alive in this distance. Please, give me advice.

I already gave you suggestions about that. Please also make sure the girl is not entertaining multiple relationships at the same time, because that's quite possible and feasible in your circumstances.