Saw his new girl leave his place - lost it!

[flooded]

Wow. I *really* thought I had moved on. Apparently not.

 

I was walking "downtown" (where my ex lives) and sure enough saw a girl exit my exes building. I wasn't even looking - I had just turned my head! I just knew it was his new girlfriend. Strong intuition is both a blessing and a curse.

 

I became instantly super anxious, almost burst into tears, and the emotions just took over. I went to his apartment and banged on the door. I didn't say much, really, except to say "so this is why you're not texting and calling" (his response: "We haven't BEEN texting and calling." Ugh. Fair enough.) Like I said, there wasn't really much to say, but I did say "You told me you didn't have time for a relationship. You just didn't have time for a relationship with me! Right?" He just said we tried it, moved too fast, it didn't work out. (The same lines.)

 

He said "Look, if you want to talk, let's talk later. I don't want to do it at my doorway." I said "There's nothing to talk about. You're a liar, and a player, and one day someone's going to hurt you too" (he's been the dumper for literally all of his relationships.) I stomped away and he was just standing there with the door open and I shouted "Good bye!"

 

I texted him to never talk about me, to not acknowledge me in public, and to never contact me again (LOL I'm sure he was like "no problem!") I blocked his number, his email, his Facebook. I finally took the rest of his **** back to his apartment and stomped a radio he'd given me.

 

I had been so proud of myself for having composure and truly felt I had moved on. I'm kind of embarrassed but mostly hurt. He rejected me. He said he was learning how to be alone/single. It was just ME he didn't want to be with. He found someone else, and quickly, sure enough.

[stillafool]

Sorry you found this out the hard way. You should change your walking route so you don't walk past his building again.

[maybejune]

I don't know how I will react if I see his new girl coming out his building. I think it's hurting that he doesn't want to work things out with you, it's not about the new girl. But you hate his excuses, like he wants to be alone and doesn't have time.

 

At least you have enough self respect to cut him off. I feel I really lost self respect, I still miss him even though I know he doesn't want to be with me and I don't know if he has a new girl or not, and I wouldn't be surprised to see he has one already.

[flooded]

Sorry you found this out the hard way. You should change your walking route so you don't walk past his building again.

 

This is what I hate, hate, hate about living here. It is SUCH a tiny community and he lives right in the middle of the downtown area of the town (I'm a quarter mile away). I have to just totally avoid the town, I guess! And like I said, I was in the area to run a quick errand and at that very moment saw this woman. It just hurts like hell.

[flooded]

I don't know how I will react if I see his new girl coming out his building. I think it's hurting that he doesn't want to work things out with you, it's not about the new girl. But you hate his excuses, like he wants to be alone and doesn't have time.

 

At least you have enough self respect to cut him off. I feel I really lost self respect, I still miss him even though I know he doesn't want to be with me and I don't know if he has a new girl or not, and I wouldn't be surprised to see he has one already.

 

I know everyone lies during break ups, but yeah it hurts that he said he "doesn't have time for a relationship" and "wants to be single" and then BAM he's with someone new. Having fun, having all the good things of a relationship and I'm still in love with him.

[maybejune]

I know everyone lies during break ups, but yeah it hurts that he said he "doesn't have time for a relationship" and "wants to be single" and then BAM he's with someone new. Having fun, having all the good things of a relationship and I'm still in love with him.

 

Everyday I have to look at the mirror which I wrote "he won't come back, move on", "if he ever loved me, he won't leave me here worry about him", so I can remind myself I can't have him back. But apparently, I always want him back, if there is a way to make him talk to me once, I will do it. f#ck... I am shouting out inside of my head.

 

I really want to go to his place- if he hasn't moved yet, but I know I shouldn't do that, it's too embarrassing and not helping me.

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry but nothing about what you did was mature or composed.

 

 

You don't get to pound on an EX's door & confront somebody about a new GF. Granted he didn't deny it, but you had no way of knowing that some woman who walked out of a multi-unit apartment building was his new squeeze. She could have been anybody -- a salesperson, some other tenant's cousin, a prospective tenant. You just decided she had be to be his new GF & you flew off the handle.

 

 

If that is the way you solve problems I can see why things didn't work out. You need to get a grip. In the short term. walk down a different street on that black at least.

 

 

When people say they don't have time for a relationship you need to hear the silent prepositional phrase "with you" that they didn't say.

[Zahara]

OP, you need to work on your impulse control. I would have shut the door if an ex showed up out of nowhere at my doorstep, on a tirade.

 

When you both broke up initially, you kept showing up at his home unannounced. You now fly off the handle and assume that a random woman walking out of an apartment complex is his new girlfriend.

 

I think all this is a lesson for you to figure your own behavior. It's not healthy and will likely transition into your next and it's not attractive if you don't self-reflect and self-improve.

[flooded]

I know what I did was uncool. I did fly off the handle. I did lose it. I'm not justifying what I did, just outlining it. I had no idea I still felt this way.

[Zahara]

I know what I did was uncool. I did fly off the handle. I did lose it. I'm not justifying what I did, just outlining it. I had no idea I still felt this way.

 

See below. You posted that 9 days ago when you bumped into him. How could you think you weren't still affected by him? I lived down the street from my ex but I avoided that vicinity like the plague for a year. If you can't handle yourself, stay away from where he lives. Plus you were broken up, you had no business questioning him.

 

Just last week I thought I was over it and loving on. I am so weak. We've been broken up almost as long as half of the ****ing relationship.

 

A few days ago you posted about the drama with his belongings (returning bits and pieces) and then giving his things to goodwill. Then you freak out again and dump his stuff at his front door and smash things. You are very reactionary. Always best to step back and reflect and then act. Sometimes a temporary reaction can cause permanent damage.

 

I hope you learn from this and work on yourself.

Edited January 16, 2018 by Zahara

[d0nnivain]

I know what I did was uncool. I did fly off the handle. I did lose it. I'm not justifying what I did, just outlining it. I had no idea I still felt this way.

 

 

 

Acknowledging that you have issues is the first step in addressing them. Good for you for at least realizing that this was not a well balanced reaction.

 

 

At the very least think about what you coulda / shoulda done so you have a strategy for next time he or anybody else pushes your buttons.

 

 

Heck 10+ years after the fact even though I was married I had to duck into the ladies' room to control my emotions after meeting an EX's new GF. Granted I had a pep talked in the mirror that started with "thank heavens I look good today & I'm prettier then her". Catty yes but nobody witnessed my pain. See the difference?

Edited January 16, 2018 by d0nnivain

[flooded]

I'm sorry but nothing about what you did was mature or composed.

 

 

You don't get to pound on an EX's door & confront somebody about a new GF. Granted he didn't deny it, but you had no way of knowing that some woman who walked out of a multi-unit apartment building was his new squeeze. She could have been anybody -- a salesperson, some other tenant's cousin, a prospective tenant. You just decided she had be to be his new GF & you flew off the handle.

 

 

If that is the way you solve problems I can see why things didn't work out. You need to get a grip. In the short term. walk down a different street on that black at least.

 

 

When people say they don't have time for a relationship you need to hear the silent prepositional phrase "with you" that they didn't say.

 

 

Just to be clear this is the first time I ever acted in such a way toward him. I *had been* proud of myself for being composed, mature, and accepting the BU (toward him) until today. I was not prepared for what I saw and had not prepared for such a moment.

 

I will be actively avoiding downtown for quite a while now. I just can't deal at the moment.

[flooded]

See below. You posted that 9 days ago when you bumped into him. How could you think you weren't still affected by him? I lived down the street from my ex but I avoided that vicinity like the plague for a year. If you can't handle yourself, stay away from where he lives. Plus you were broken up, you had no business questioning him.

 

 

 

A few days ago you posted about the drama with his belongings (returning bits and pieces) and then giving his things to goodwill. Then you freak out again and dump his stuff at his front door and smash things. You are very reactionary. Always best to step back and reflect and then act. Sometimes a temporary reaction can cause permanent damage.

 

I hope you learn from this and work on yourself.

 

Thank you. I am learning to work on myself.

[flooded]

Had a kerfuffle this afternoon.

 

Saw ex at an outdoor table at a cafe as I approached. The door is super awkward and I was pushing a stroller, so I quickly turned hoping I could go in through the back - nope, stairs. Ran into the cafe through the back door and saw my girlfriend and she offered to help me in. It was big commotion.

 

Anyway, on my way out my three year old jumped out of the stroller and stood in front of my ex. She didn't say anything and I was trying to get her back into the stroller. And he said "Hey, Maggie," to her.

 

I expressly communicated not to acknowledge me in public. Why did he say hi to her????

[Zahara]

He didn't acknowledge you. He said hello to your child as she was standing infront of him. He was being kind to the child rather than ignore her. I think you're getting too twisted over nothing. The next time you see him, act normal.

[darkmoon]

you all sound quite young

 

so if you are all under 30, my two cents is that girl number 3 will turn up, then girl 4...

 

see his pattern? the leaver

 

he might like your child a lot, people like tots

[CantTakeMySmile]

He would have been a jerk if he had not acknowledged your three year old doll

[flooded]

He didn't acknowledge you. He said hello to your child as she was standing infront of him. He was being kind to the child rather than ignore her. I think you're getting too twisted over nothing. The next time you see him, act normal.

 

She didn't say anything to him. I did act normal.

[Zahara]

She didn't say anything to him. I did act normal.

 

And that's fine. He acknowledged a little kid standing infront of him. That's all it is. I'm not sure how he disrespected your NC.

 

Most times when you're angry, you tend to magnify and pick at things. Let it go. Expect that you'll run into him again and when he does acknowledge you, you can then ignore him or reinforce your NC terms.

[flooded]

He would have been a jerk if he had not acknowledged your three year old doll

 

You think so?

 

I think he could have smiled at her without speaking

[d0nnivain]

I expressly communicated not to acknowledge me in public. Why did he say hi to her????

 

Your request is unreasonable. You can & should be civil when you bump into each other. A tight smile & a curt nod is all that is required but to ignore causes more problems.

 

As for the child, what was he supposed to do? He greeted a toddler who was standing in front him begging for him to acknowledge her. If he did anything else he could have damaged her young formative psyche. It's bad enough to get broken up with as an adult. Don't you dare suggest that your needs are greater than those of a developing child. Be grateful that he seems to be handling this maturely which is more than I can say for you.

 

You really need to get a grip. If you don't, you are going to turn your kid into a paranoid nut who is a afraid of her own shadow & who has no self esteem. Do not drag a 3 year old into your unnecessary adult drama.

 

Here's a thought: once you saw him at the outdoor café you could have gone to a different café.

[flooded]

And that's fine. He acknowledged a little kid standing infront of him. That's all it is. I'm not sure how he disrespected your NC.

 

Most times when you're angry, you tend to magnify and pick at things. Let it go. Expect that you'll run into him again and when he does acknowledge you, you can then ignore him or reinforce your NC terms.

 

She's with me, she's my kid. He didn't have to say anything. He could have smiled.

[CantTakeMySmile]

You think so?

 

I think he could have smiled at her without speaking

 

Yes I do think so.

Would it have made a difference if he just smiled?

Do you think he stood there and calculated if he should speak or smile?

[Zahara]

She's with me, she's my kid. He didn't have to say anything. He could have smiled.

 

Based on your reactions on all your threads, it's almost expected that you would react this way.

 

Maybe you should keep yourself and your child behind closed doors. If such triviliaties are going to set you off, you best avoid any possibility of bumping into him.

 

Or the next time you see him, walk the other way. You're causing more drama than there has to be.

[flooded]

Self-preservation is good but take into account that there will be the occasional bump in and that's when you act mature and civil. He acted mature by acknowledging a child standing infront of him. He did not acknowledge you as you requested. Then you both moved on with the day.

 

Stop nit-picking.

 

 

If we both moved on with the day, where's the issue? My issue is what I took to be a boundary violation on his part. I didn't acknowledge him but I was not rude and did not create any drama. He crossed the line. He knows he hurt me, he should have more respect *especially* in light of my recent request.