How do you keep a woman interested?

[Logo]

So you've approached a woman, you've started talking, there's some back and forth banter, but how do you keep the conversation interesting? How do you metaphorically pull them in, closer and closer?

[d0nnivain]

You carry on a conversation that includes genuine interest on your part in what she has to say & eye contact.

 

 

You avoid all the taboo subjects. You don't spill your every secret & every fear or insecurity.

 

 

You make her laugh.

[Logo]

For some reason I find myself running out of things to talk about, and not for a lack of knowledge or intellect if I may say so myself. It's just that what's funny to one person can be either a yawn inducing act or a complete turn off.

 

I feel like I'm walking a tight rope when I'm in the moment, trying not to fall. And when I "wing it" they suddenly excuse themselves.

 

From experience, even among my friends, my sense of humor is an acquired taste. To me it's witty, quirky or cute, but to them it's ......well.......crickets.

 

And we all know that if a woman finds the man attractive, she'll laugh at every joke or anything remotely funny even when it isn't. So it's a big gray area.

Edited January 16, 2018 by Logo

[d0nnivain]

Then read some articles about the art of conversation & have a few "go to" filler questions that you always rely on when dealing with a new person.

 

 

I like to inquire about the following:

 

 

Major / job and how they got interested in the field.

 

 

Feelings about roller coasters & favorite rides.

 

 

Beach v mountains v cities for vacations & why. Segway into bucket list or next vacation

 

 

Favorite TV shows, restaurants, movies etc.

 

 

Something current event related but not taboo. Right now I'd ask about the weather; Super Bowl pick / plans; death of singer from the Cranberries; that horrible story out of California where the kids were chained up in the house; Kim Kardahian's new baby & all the preggo Kardashians -- talking about them is always good for a laugh; the Royals etc.

 

 

You need to be willing to answer all those Qs too

[alphamale]

How do you metaphorically pull them in, closer and closer?

you compliment her on things like her clothes, shoes, hair, eyes, jewelry, etc...don't tell her how beautiful she is until the 2nd or 3rd date

[d0nnivain]

But don't overdo the initial compliments either. Pick one thing. Say it once. Then hush

[carhill]

IME, if there's mating in the air, thinking about keeping the lady interested is not even in the same room. The interaction flows without any real conscious thought or agenda.

 

When you run out of things to talk about, you suddenly notice one of you is pushing the other one around in a wheelchair and skin is wrinkled and hair is gray.

 

I like silences where we either share a moment of the place we're at or just gaze at each other. Comfortable silences are to me a great sign of things to come. Talk, talk definitely has its place, sure.

 

In the past it usually was a few insightful questions and off to the races. Then, too, there's simple statements. I remember the first time I met my exW in person, the first words out of my mouth were 'you're late'. Heh. Didn't hurt that I'd had both my own margarita and the one I'd ordered for her.

[Logo]

All great advice, but I want respond to something d0nnivain wrote:

 

 

I like to inquire about the following:

 

 

Major / job and how they got interested in the field.

 

 

Feelings about roller coasters & favorite rides.

 

 

Beach v mountains v cities for vacations & why. Segway into bucket list or next vacation

 

 

Favorite TV shows, restaurants, movies etc.

 

 

Something current event related but not taboo. Right now I'd ask about the weather; Super Bowl pick / plans; death of singer from the Cranberries; that horrible story out of California where the kids were chained up in the house; Kim Kardahian's new baby & all the preggo Kardashians -- talking about them is always good for a laugh; the Royals etc.

 

 

You need to be willing to answer all those Qs too

 

 

You see, I try these things. Perhaps not the current events part or talking about celebs, but once I bring up work, education, plans, likes dislikes, I start to feel them pulling away, as though they're losing interest because -- I can only assume -- the conversation is too formulaic. I feel like I have to make an effort and go to great lengths to entertain her, I really mean that, otherwise she loses interest.

 

It's frustrating. And once I feel frustrated then it's a vicious cycle and things only get worse from there.

 

A lot of times I get that vibe, that feeling, that I need to come up with one great story after another to keep them interested. They give me the feeling that one gets from students when the teacher shows them a documentary as opposed to playing their favorite video game or watching a great action movie.

 

Ignore what he says up until the 1:27 mark. But look at her reaction after that:

 

That's what I get after trying to keep the conversation going, asking questions, telling an interesting story, whatever......

 

 

I can't quite put my finger on it, really. Perhaps I need to focus more on HER. Make HER the "centerpiece" of the conversation. Women like attention and feeling desired.

 

I feel like I live in an area were subtle seduction is more effective that the art of conversation.

[alphamale]

A lot of times I get that vibe, that feeling, that I need to come up with one great story after another to keep them interested.

 

I've never felt that way about conversing with women. Remember that a conversation is a two way street, both people have to hold up their end. Ask more questions and defer talk about yourself.

[SammySammy]

Don’t try to keep her interested.

 

I mean ... be interesting ... but don’t go out of your way to create interest where there is none.

 

I’m not a clown or a comedian. I never feel it’s my job to entertain a woman.

 

You can’t really change your personality or sense of humor. It’s going to come out eventually. Either she feels you or she doesn’t. If she does, then your quirky personality won’t be a problem. If she doesn’t, there’s no magic trick that will make her stay. As you’ve seen, the least little thing you say “wrong” they bail. That’s a sign of low interest. Not necessarily what you said or how you said it.

 

Be friendly and interesting, but don’t feel you have to do something special to increase the interest of someone who is not interested in you. It’s unlikely to work. Just move on until you find someone who is highly interested.

[RecentChange]

For some reason I find myself running out of things to talk about, and not for a lack of knowledge or intellect if I may say so myself. It's just that what's funny to one person can be either a yawn inducing act or a complete turn off.

 

I feel like I'm walking a tight rope when I'm in the moment, trying not to fall. And when I "wing it" they suddenly excuse themselves.

 

From experience, even among my friends, my sense of humor is an acquired taste. To me it's witty, quirky or cute, but to them it's ......well.......crickets.

 

And we all know that if a woman finds the man attractive, she'll laugh at every joke or anything remotely funny even when it isn't. So it's a big gray area.

 

The way I see it, if two people are COMPATIBLE, as in there is mutual attraction, similar communication styles, similar interest.... things just flow.

 

If your humor is perhaps "yawn inducing" to her, and you find yourself running out of things to talk to her about.... is there any natural flow here?

 

I find when I meet someone I really click with, its like we are both rabid and just can't stop wanting to talk about everything!

 

You say your humor is an acquired taste... do they ever acquire it, or are you just "quirky"?

[Logo]

You say your humor is an acquired taste... do they ever acquire it, or are you just "quirky"?

 

 

I'm not sure I understand that.

 

My point is that my sense of humor is based on my own life experiences, layers on top of layers that made me who I am.

 

Do they "acquire it"? Yes. Some women find my sense of humor to be healthy and refreshing instead of relying on crassness or toilet humor.

 

 

Be friendly and interesting, but don’t feel you have to do something special to increase the interest of someone who is not interested in you. It’s unlikely to work. Just move on until you find someone who is highly interested.

 

 

That's what bothers me. Before my recent relationship, I felt that women were more interested and receptive.

 

After my ex betrayed my trust, I was left with anger and resentment. When I started approaching women again, I noticed that things weren't the same. I was getting rejected, a lot. And my self confidence took a hit, on top of what I was left with after the relationship.

 

So now I feel like someone who's learning to walk again after an injury. I'm trying to get my bearings, but I can't seem to find my way back to that person I used to be, exuding confidence, optimism, kindness and chivalry.

 

I'm more picky, more critical, and more careful. But it's emotionally draining because I feel that at this rate, I won't find the right person for along time.

[RecentChange]

I'm not sure I understand that.

 

My point is that my sense of humor is based on my own life experiences, layers on top of layers that made me who I am.

 

Do they "acquire it"? Yes. Some women find my sense of humor to be healthy and refreshing instead of relying on crassness or toilet humor.

 

There are many funny people who can light up a room with being crass or using toilet humor.

 

All of us are the result of our experiences - The way you worded your original post it made it sound as if your sense of humor is often not well received or understood. Perhaps I am wrong there. Do they find it refreshing... or funny?

 

 

That's what bothers me. Before my recent relationship, I felt that women were more interested and receptive.

 

Is it the women who changed, or you?

 

After my ex betrayed my trust, I was left with anger and resentment. When I started approaching women again, I noticed that things weren't the same. I was getting rejected, a lot. And my self confidence took a hit, on top of what I was left with after the relationship.

 

So now I feel like someone who's learning to walk again after an injury. I'm trying to get my bearings, but I can't seem to find my way back to that person I used to be, exuding confidence, optimism, kindness and chivalry.

 

I'm more picky, more critical, and more careful. But it's emotionally draining because I feel that at this rate, I won't find the right person for along time.

 

Honestly... I think right here is the reason. For the most part, people flock to HAPPY people. People are drawn to optimism, not negativity. Confidence not insecurity.

 

Perhaps you need more time to recover from your break up, I don't know. But I think these feelings are core reason you are having a hard time meeting the right woman.

[SammySammy]

That's what bothers me. Before my recent relationship, I felt that women were more interested and receptive.

 

After my ex betrayed my trust, I was left with anger and resentment. When I started approaching women again, I noticed that things weren't the same. I was getting rejected, a lot. And my self confidence took a hit, on top of what I was left with after the relationship.

 

So now I feel like someone who's learning to walk again after an injury. I'm trying to get my bearings, but I can't seem to find my way back to that person I used to be, exuding confidence, optimism, kindness and chivalry.

 

I'm more picky, more critical, and more careful. But it's emotionally draining because I feel that at this rate, I won't find the right person for along time.

 

I think that's what the women are picking up on.

 

You think it's your personality or sense of humor when it's really an underlying resentment and insecurity from your past relationship.

 

Women are very perceptive. They may not know why they bail on you, but they can tell something is "off" about you. And that's a turnoff.

 

It might be a good idea to not seek another relationship until you let go of that baggage. You can learn lessons from a relationship without taking negative feelings and emotions into a new relationship.

 

This might sound crazy, but I would stop trying. Just stop ... trying ... with women. I would just relax. Have a conversation with them. Do something fun with them. And not be judgmental or try so hard to protect your heart. Accept her for who she is and not be bothered if things don't work out.

 

I would set a goal to do that with 100 women. Just to relax and have a good time with them. Realize they aren't your ex. Accept things as they come. If you can do that - totally let go - then, I'd bet you'd click with someone long before you get to 100. Despite your personality or sense of humor.

[Shanex]

My simple thought OP is that according to your posts you are feeling a bit down because of a bad break up. It's not easy. We have all been there including women.

 

Some very good points above: You won't change who you are. Neither your sense of humor or your broader personality.

 

You are interesting for maybe... 5% of women? The key is to find them, or just one and be overall a good guy, genuine and caring. I dunno if we are talking online or offline dating here. Either way the same rules so to speak applies.

[d0nnivain]

. Perhaps I need to focus more on HER. Make HER the "centerpiece" of the conversation. Women like attention and feeling desired.

 

 

It's called the ART of conversation for a reason. If it feels stilted something is wrong. However, did you ever consider it was her not you?

 

 

Do not turn it into an interview.

 

 

However, you are right that focusing on the person you are talking to -- making them the center of your attention is helpful. Most people like to feel heard. So stop focusing on what you are going to say next & concentrate on what she's saying. Really hear her. Use what she said to continue the discussion.

[dichotomy]

A small compliment is nice - so is a bit of a slight "wry challenge" at the right times - positioning if you will.

[Logo]

I recall a few weeks into the relationship, one day as we were passionately holding hands, a thought popped in my head; I thought, "I hope I'll never lose her. I hope this won't end." I quickly brushed that thought away and tried to stay in the moment.

 

By the end, keeping the relationship together felt like a Sisyphean endeavor. There was so much one person could do to keep things from falling apart. By then I had found out that she was cheating and there wasn’t much I could do. She drove a proverbial dagger through my back and heart.

 

These days, whenever I come across a book or an article about narcissism I make a point of reading it, if only to feel a sense of vindication that it wasn’t my fault. Or at least, that it had little to do with my actions or words.

 

Alas there’s not much comfort in that. I have put it behind me. I’m looking to meet someone new. But, when I think about it, I don’t know if I will be the same person I once was.

 

Once I finally meet someone and we start seeing each other on a regular basis, I can see myself sitting next to this woman in this hypothetical scenario as we both sip wine. She might play with my hair a little and tell me all about how I make her feel, and then my first thought would be, “Here comes the manipulation and deceit.”

 

It will be instinctive; I will be guarded, constantly waiting for the proverbial sand to slip through my fingers only to disappear into the ether.

 

It won’t be a deliberate or a conscious or an intentionally malicious thought process or state of mind, but merely an instinctive act of self-preservation, one of survival. Otherwise, the entire thing would feel like running along the ledge of a cliff in icy conditions. Who in their right mind would do that? No sane person would do that. That’s how I foresee myself feeling when I do find that one person with whom I click and have shared interests.

 

And to be completely honest, I don’t want that and don't like it one bit. I don’t want to be that person.

 

As for the dating process, in and of itself? Right now, it feels like a chore, “Here we go again. Another stale job interview lacking in passion, excitement or a rush of meeting someone new. Very little if anything will come of it."

 

I do give women the benefit of the doubt when I go out and try to meet one, but in the back of my mind, I have that lingering thought that it’s all a charade, an act we both put on because there’s no real and true love anymore, only self-interests, agendas; and she will have a hidden one.

 

As for talking to a hundred women just for the sake of talking to them. I can do that. But is it me or do most women nowadays feel like a man who approaches them is working an angle? I write that because I sometimes, more often than not, get the old, "Oh I have a boyfriend" or "Excuse me, I have to go" when all I'm trying to do is just socialize. I'm not trying to get into her pants. For me, companionship, affection and passion are far more important than a simple act of mechanical sex.

 

The only thing I can do is hope for the best, be open and optimistic and try to give it a chance. There is no other way around it. I realize that much. I will do my best. I just hope she will be a good person.

 

Thank you all for your insights and helpful feedback.

Edited January 17, 2018 by Logo

[SammySammy]

If dating feels like a chore, then stop doing it. If you hate the dating interview, then don't do it. If you feel like you have to move heaven and earth to keep a relationship together - when it's doomed to fail anyway - then don't do it.

 

In my mind, a man's only goal in life should be to strive to reach his fullest potential. To be the best he can be spiritually, intellectually, physically, financially, and socially. This is a personal quest of self-fulfillment. To be achieved regardless of what anyone else around him does or does not do. Including women.

 

Mark Manson, the author of the dating book Models, also wrote another book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck.

 

What I would like you to understand is how differently you would feel if you were confident you would be whole and complete regardless of what any woman does. That you would KNOW you're going to be fine no matter what any of them say, think, feel, or do.

 

If she lies to you, you don't give a f***.

If she cheats, you don't give a f***.

If she "has a boyfriend", you don't give a f***.

If she doesn't like your personality or sense of humor, you don't give a f*ck.

If she leaves you, you don't give a f***.

If she says you're ugly and have a small penis, YOU DON'T GIVE A F***!

 

You don't get defensive. You don't get bitter. You're not fearful. You're not hurt. You're not insecure. It's like water off a duck's back. You simply move on knowing that your purpose - the only thing you can really control - is striving to fulfill your potential. You're going to be whole, complete, confident, and secure regardless. Interestingly, the combination of being excellent and secure is incredibly attractive.

 

What you're doing now - being worried, fearful, and trying too hard - is supplicating behavior. It's repulsive and naturally drives people away.

 

Change your focus. Stop going out trying to meet and please women. Just socialize and not worry about the results. When you're a guy that focused on being excellent in the areas I mentioned - spiritually, intellectually, physically, financially, and socially - people notice. If you can do it with an inner peace - unbothered, knowing you'll be fine no matter what happens - people will be drawn to you. And things are better when there's a mutual attraction. When she wants you as much as you want her. When she's as interested in you as you are in her. As someone said earlier, things seem to just flow better.

 

Mutual attraction is what you're looking for. That starts with you losing unattractive thoughts and behaviors.

[d0nnivain]

You need more then witty banter to keep a relationship in tact. I thought you were asking about the initial meeting or first couple of dates.

 

Understand your EX cheated on you. No amount of conversation, no topic, no keeping the focus on her was ever going to improve her moral character. That is on her, not you.

[Logo]

How does the heart not give a f***?

 

Is that a learned skill? A conscious decision?

[Gaeta]

How does the heart not give a f***?

 

Is that a learned skill? A conscious decision?

 

Some reading:

 

* The Buddha in Your Mirror.

* The Giant Within.

 

These books will teach you the art of 'letting go'. You have no control over anything but yourself. It will teach you to be your best and to let the universe decide for the rest. If it works then it does, if it doesn't then you're the same man, with the same job, same bills to pay, same responsibilities. Life will go on, the planets will keep on turning. Someone else will come along and life will go on.